Q: Did you hear about the new radio station with the call letters WPMS? A: It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime. I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi.” They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Musloid started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested, so I asked, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started… A recent study revealed that 64 percent of all women have used vibrators. The other 36 percent have new ones. My girlfriend was in labor with our first kid. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'NooOooo. That would hurt too much'."  My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Noooo, That would hurt too much'."   Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people, to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine. Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes. Q: Why were lesbians invented? A: So feminoids wouldn't breed.   Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nineteen. One to change it and eighteen to make a documentary about it. The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself from Indian names. The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington DC, effective immediately. Q: What do you call women who hang out with hookers? A: Support hoes. Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar? A: Not even the pool table has balls.   WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer...twice. Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons Naughty girls unbutton your pants Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies Bad girls know they could do it better Naughty girls do it with whips and chains Good girls wear white cotton panties Bad girls don't wear any Naughty girls don't really give a shit Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace " Good girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragms Naughty girls pack their dildos Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection Good girls wear high heels to work Bad girls wear high heels to bed Naughty girls make you wear high heels Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance Bad girls think no place is the wrong place Naughty girls have sex all over the place Good girls prefer the missionary position Bad girls do too, but only for starters Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra Good girls say no Bad girls say when? Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot. Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home. Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them. Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians? A: A tong war. An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five year old son. The doctor instructed the boy to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born boy by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the sibling said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" Two guys were discussing the ill side effects of their heavy drinking problem. The first said, "I got so drunk last night that I forgot my own girlfriend's name." "That's nothing," said the other. I got so drunk last night that I walked across the danceroom floor to use the bathroom and I won the dance contest." On October 9th, 2012, a group of bikers from Perkin, Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw what appeared to be a woman about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley. He walked past the gawkers and State Troopers and said, "What are you doing?" She replied, "I'm going to commit suicide." George didn't want to appear "sensitive," but he couldn't pass up the opportunity to become a hero either, so he asked, "Before you jump Sugar Shorts, why don't you give me a kiss?" With no hesitation, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed by another one - wetter and even more convincing. After they finished, George hearD the approval of his biker-buddies. Even the onlookers and State Troopers were applauding. George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I ever had Sweet Pants! You’ve got real talent. It’d be a shame to waste it. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. A young man was pouring his hot date a drink and said, "Say 'when'." "Right after this drink," she smiled. Two chick friends were chatting one day and the hotter one said, "I am going to have to be very careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend commented. "Exactly." Q: What do you call a hot chick with no arms and no legs who gives great head? A: Partially disabled. A miser read in the paper about a new whorehouse in town that charged $50 for the first visit and $25 for each visit thereafter. On his first visit he knocked and the madame said, "Who is it?" "It's me again," he answered. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid: *A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A few peas short of a casserole *The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead *One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl *A few feathers short of a whole duck *All foam, no beer *Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel *Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt *Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear *Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel *Too much yardage between the goalposts *An intellect rivaled only by garden tools *As smart as bait *Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash *Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair *Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top *Forgot to pay his brain bill *Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels *His belt doesn't go through all the loops *If he had another brain, it would be lonely *No grain in the silo *Receiver is off the hook *Several nuts short of a full pouch *He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down Q: What do you get when you cross LSD and a birth control pill? A: A trip without the kids. The great irony of a blowjob is: even though you have her on her knees, she still has you by the balls. Every fight is a food fight, if you're a cannibal. Q: What should a woman say to a man with whom she's just had sex? A: Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Little Johnny's big brother had just gotten married and spent his first wedding night with his parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Little Johnny said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said his mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the foul-mouthed eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, she once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, Little Johnny started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. Little Johnny once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked his mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!" I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before. Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes, "You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?" "I wasn't quite sure," replied the man. "Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife. "You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."     A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, Doc?" "Hmmm... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "No...but at least you'll get used to being covered with dirt."     A redneck was standing at a bar. A beautiful woman was  beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my  little toe."   She giggles and replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and  cute?"   "No," he says, "I mean I 'll probably bang you on the coffee  table later when I'm drunk." I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me. Q: What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy? A: Banging your head on her coffin lid after you're done. Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese. Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?" Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you." Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic? A: The hotdogs all taste like shit. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt? A: The other guys awaiting their turn. Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period? A: Your palm Red. Q: What's the definition of a tongue-twister? A: A spiral pussy. Q: What's the difference between dark and hard? A: It stays dark all night. Q: What's the definition of oral sex? A: The taste of things to come.   A pal of mine said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money in your wallet than you thought you had. I said, "Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than you thought you had." A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must have been the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one." A schoolboy came home home from classes and told his father that they had a spelling bee that day and he got the very first word wrong. "What was the word?" his father asked. "Posse." "Hell, no wonder you can't spell it," his father said dejectedly. "You can't even pronounce it." If Rob is short for Robert and you get Willy out of William, how do you get Dick from Richard? Ask him nicely. Condoms don't give a 100 percent quarantee of safe sex. Why, just the other day a friend of mine was wearing one when he got shot dead by the woman's husband. I am going to reveal to you 7 magic words. With these words you will have a new understanding of issues you have contemplated at length. If these words were spoken years ago we would have entirely different influences in music, movies, and language. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have a much smaller national deficit. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have had far less turmoil in America. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have all of our great cities prospering as well as the small towns. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have far less murder, rape, robbery, drug use, pimping, and burglary. Ready ? ”We should have picked our own cotton." Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached." To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blond!" There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?" "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin." "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it." "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look." "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast." A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times left! We shouldn't waste those! We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it." Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? A: You can drop her off anywhere. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted. Q: How can you make your wife angry while making love? A: Call her from your cell phone. New Medications For Women Only DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. PENISCILLIN Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALl When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome. NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Q: What is a nigger's idea of a perfect 10? A: Any white bitch who lets him lay pipe in her. Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? A: The kid stutters. A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow - Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June -June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, does my huge rack have anything to do with why you keep staring at me?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,having eight inches of Snow in June?" Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot? A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them. Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot? A: He puts the return address on the ransom note. Q: What do lesbians always bring to work? A: Box lunches. What is this? "Give it here!" "NO, IT'S MINE!" "I said let me have it!" "NO! IT'S MY TURN!" "Come on! Give it to me!" "NO WAY!" Siamese twins beating off. Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex. He asked what they were doing. His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card." The next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girl friend and he asked what they were doing. His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card." The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him beating off like there is no tomorrow. She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card?" Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this?" "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked. "Uh, no," he said. She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," he said, now really intrigued. "Well, go look in the garage." Q: Why are faggots such pricks? A: You are what you eat. Q: What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? A: Cunt Stubble. Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween? A: Free home delivery. Q: How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one. But it takes an entire Emergency Room to remove it. Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass gets disconnected A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! The husband, typically nonromantic, replied, "I am on the commode. Please advise." Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly? A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold. All 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp, and Rape, have refused to sing "Hi Ho." Additionally, they have no intention of "Going off to work." God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the salesman, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. " Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!" Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say? A: Thank you for not coming. After making love, I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" She said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." Q: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins. Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants? A: On television. Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? A: She had three men giving her directions. A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."     Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Can't remember...read #4 again. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.