Q: How is a streetwalker like an unemployed school teacher? A: Both have no class and no principles. Q: What clue do you have that your wife is truly ugly? A: Frankenstein comes to your Halloween party dressed as her. A guy was just getting dressed after an extremely satisfying session in a "full service" massage parlor, and looked at the extremely hot chick who had just manipulated him and said, "What is such a hot chick as you doing in a grody place as this?" She answered, "I'm in debt to a loan shark. You might say that I'm rubbing peters to pay Paul." Q: Why are theater critics considered such great lovers? A: Because they never miss an opening. Q: When should you suspect that a chick is a nympho? A: When she has landing lights installed on her stomach. Q: Did you hear about he new birth control pill made of sugar and cocaine? A: Any chick who takes them will be flying so high that her husband can't touch her. Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A: He walks past a cemetery and two guys with shovels started chasing him. Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A: His shrink sends him hate mail. Q: Did you hear about the new microwave fireplace? A: You can have a complete romantic evening in just seven minutes. "You're such a procrastinator," the wife complained. "You never do anything!" "You're wrong," he replied. "Just wait." Q: Why did the horny guy always hit pregnant chicks? A: Because he was certain that they would put out. Q: What must you do to gain entry into the Serial Killers Club? A: Show your dismemberment card. Q: What's better than a bird in the hand? A: A hand in the bush. Q: How does a hot chick break into Hollywood? A: She has to sit on the right face at the right time. Q: How does the Serial Killers Club decide whether or not to take on a new member? A: They look inside his refrigerator to see if he has any guts. Q: How can you tell if a baby is really ugly? A: When his parents give him a rattle it's still attached to a snake. Q: How can you tell if a baby is really ugly? A: The first time he shits, the mother keeps the diaper and throws him away. Q: How can you tell your son will grow up to be a serial killer? A: You find him masturbating in front of roadkill. Q: How can you tell if your son will grow up to be a serial killer? A: He dismembers Barbie. Q: How can you tell if you son will grow up to be gay? A: He plays with your daughter's Barbie doll. Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself "Tender Tony," a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call, "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." Q: How can you tall if a baby is really ugly? A: When his mother goes to bathe him, she puts him in a bucket and lowers the whole bucket into the well. Q: How can you tell if your son will grow up to be a serial killer? A: He gets an erection when you serve liver for dinner. Q: If Santa Claus were a serial killer what would you find in your Yule stocking? A: Your foot. Q: How can you tell if your son is going to grow up to be a serial killer? A: You take him to pick out a toy in the supermarket and selects giblets. Q: How can you tell if your kid has been seriously abused? A: He's been whipped so much that he thinks he's a sleddog team. Q: What question did Ted Bundy's mother ask him? A: "Whey don't you ever go out with the same girl twice?" Q: What is a surefire clue that your boyfriend is a serial killer? A: On Valentine's Day, he arrives with heart in hand. Q: How can you tell if your acne is excessively bad? A: Every time a pimple pops you have to change your sheets. Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant called the Bulimia Cafe? A: You get to eat all the food you can puke. Q: What's the definition of gross? A: Waking up from a wet dream to discover that your wife has diarrhea. Q: What do you get when you cross Drano with Ex-Lax? A: A gentle laxative that's tough on clogs but won't hurt your pipes. Q: How can you tell you are living next door to a serial killer? A: When he borrows your power mower and returns it with blood on the blade. Q: How can you tell when your dandruff is getting really bad? A: When a snowplow follows you down the street. Q: How can you tell your little girl is getting abused at her daycare center? A: Because you have to play strip poker with her to get her ready for bed. Q: What's the best example of injustice? A: You can get fined for spitting in the NYC subway, but you can throw up for nothing. Q: Did you hear that Death decided to go on a diet? A: He wants to be known as the Slim Reaper. Q: When should chick suspect that her date is a serial killer? A: When she asks him to eat her, and he gets out a fork and knife. Q: Why does a male hooker charge more for anal sex than for blow jobs? A: Because a hole is worth more than a hum of your parts. Q: Why hasn't the Iranian Olympic team ever won a gold medal? A: Because camel fucking is not an Olympic event. Q: How can you tell that your son is going to grow up to be a pervert? A: Because his hobby is giving enemas to the family dog. Q: What do you call a stockbroker who's always right? A: Under indictment. "I figured that salesman for a crook the minute he walked in here," said the buyer. "I knew I should never have trusted him." "Why?" "Because when he left, he shook hands with me." "So?" "So now I'm missing a finger!" As a great book lover, Betty consulted every day at her favorite shop. She usually trusted the judgement of the man who ran the place, but was offended when she saw his latest recommendation for her, "The Husband's Friend - Five Hundred Good Reasons to Explain Why You Stayed Out Late Last Night". "What makes you thing this kind of junk could possibly be interested in this junk?" "Because," he said calmly, "your husband just bought a copy of this yesterday." Q: What is the definition of an excellent salesman? A: A guy who can go door-to-door selling "No salesmen allowed" signs to everyone in the neighborhood. Definition of a brush fire: What happens when someone drops a match on the Fuller man's samples. The salesman went home and bragged to his wife, "I am completely cured of my gambling addiction! Totally cured! No more gambling for me, only sound investments!" "Well," she responded, "That sounds good, but what system do you have that will prove profitable in the stock market?" "Easy," he answered. "I'm betting on IBM to win, AT&T to place, and Comcast to show." Q: What is every sales manager's dream? A: Finding out that his secretary is pregnant and that her boyfriend is going to marry her. "Honey, I'm home! How are the kids?" "Well, dear, I have some good news and some bad news. Little Billy cut up little Suzy into small pieces and used the pieces for bait to go fishing." "Holy Shit! Then what's the good news?" "The good news is that the fish that Billy caught were very tasty." Q: Why was the hooker always hopping around on one foot? A: Because when business got slow, she took twenty per cent off. Q: What do you call a stock broker with diarrhea? A: A Wall Street runner. Two salesman were discussing their secretaries and one of them sadly said he had to fire his because she was two hours late. "I have a secretary story, too," the other one said. "Mine is different because I gave my secretary a big raise for being late." "Two hours?" queried the first. "Two months." Little Dustin told his father, "When I grow up, Daddy, I want to be just like you!" "That's great son! I always wanted my son to join me in the sales department!" "That's not what I mean, Daddy. I want to fuck Mommy, too!" Daffynition: Promoter - someone who wants to sell you something you don't want and he doesn't have. Did you hear how the high-pressure salesman sold 100 pounds of Venetian blinds to a bunch of Somalis? He told them it was bunk beds. Q: What is the difference between a pair of jockey shorts and a securities salesman? A: A pair of jockey shorts only has to cover one asshole at a time. The manager of a small computer hardware company called his three man sales force in for a motivational meeting. "Men, we are going to have a terrific sales contest this April. The man who sells the most stock by the end of the month gets a free trans-world cruise, all expenses paid. The runner-up gets a set of steak knives. The one who comes in third gets a permanent vacation with no pay." "Well," said the manager of the selfsame company who was proud of the success of his company from the prior year. "The time has come to announce another big sales push contest." "The man who can sell the most hardware in April gets a blowjob! The one who loses the contest has to give it." Q: What's the difference between a woman who sells used cars and a barracuda? A: Nail polish. Q: Did you hear about the business started by the Polish salesman? A: A self-service massage parlor. Q: Did you hear about the leper who was a successful businessman, for w while? A: He did great until his business fell off. Q: How do salesmen say, "Fuck you" ? A: "Trust me." Q: What did the traveling salesman say to the one legged hot chick who was hitchhiking? A: "Hop in!" Q: What is a lawyer's idea of a balanced breakfast? A: A drink in each hand. Q: Why are paper salesmen so popular in homosexual haunts? A: Because they always know they're good for a ream or two. Q: What do you call a Wall Street Trader who smokes pot? A: A Stocktoker. Q: What is it called when a broker buys and sells stocks while making love to his wife? A: Inside her trading. Q: What's the best thing about turning sixty-five? A: No more calls from insurance salesmen. "Don't let me put any undue pressure on you, Mrs Murphy," said the salesman. "Why don't you sleep in it tonight, then call me in the morning. If you wake up." Did you hear how the high-pressure salesman sold 100 pounds of Venetian blinds to a bunch of Somalis? He told them it was bunk beds. An aggressive salesman was told that, the outer office was where he could wait for his prospective customer, the big boss. The boss knew he was out there, but decided to outwait him in his office. Three hour later, the boss could take it no more, so allowed the salesman in. "My secretary told you several times that I was out of the office. How did you know that she was lying?" "Oh, that's easy, sir! She was working the whole time." Q: What is the toughest thing to sell in Somalia? A: After dinner mints. Q: How can you tell when a salesman is exaggerating? A: His lips are moving. Q: How can you spot the man who is the top salesman from Somalia? A: He's the one wearing a brand new Rolex around his waist. Q: What is it salesmen so admire about hookers? A: "Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it. Q: Why did Michael Jackson so enjoy baseball games? A: Because he got to see a lot of balls. Q: What team did PeeWee Herman like to watch? A: The Expos. Q: What do you get when you cross a tree with a famous baseball player? A: Babe Root. Q: What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists? A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. Q: What do you call a tent full of lesbian balls players? A: A finger hut. Confucius say baseball very funny game; man can walk on four balls. INSULTS TO BASEBALL UMPIRES: How about asking the audience? Would you like to use another lifeline? What were you, the lookout at Pearl Harbor? Hey, Mr Magoo, nice call. I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog. Do you take VISA and MasterCard? Can I pet your seeing-eye dog after the game? Pull the good eye out of your pocket! Wipe the dirt off that called strike. You couldn't make a call in a phone booth! Stevie Wonder could have seen that one! Q: What were OJ Simpson's favorite baseball teams? A: The Red Sox and the Dodgers. A man is being tried for murder and the judge announces, "You have been found guilty of murdering your wife with a baseball bat." "You Bastard!" a voice chimes in from the back of the courtroom. The judge continues, "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a baseball bat." "You Bastard!" the same voice repeats. The judge stops reciting his reading, "You! In the back of my courtroom! You are interrupting my sentencing! What's the problem here?" "For fifteen years, your honor, I have lived next door to this bastard, and every time I wanted to play baseball I've asked him if I could borrow his bat to do so, he always told me that he never had a bat." "Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in." -Casey Stengel Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis. Even a thought can raise it. Two football players agree to a fucking contest, seeing which can score the most on his chick in a 10 hour period. Our hero strains mightily for two hours and achieves an orgasm. Dutifully he writes a "1" on the hotel mirror with her lipstick. It takes another three hours to score yet another orgasm. He writes another "1" next to the first on the mirror. Four and one-half hours later, nearing exhaustion, he scores one more and adds another "1" on the mirror. Just then his competitor, who is ten years younger and in much better shape than he is, enters the room and exclaims, "Holy Shit! One hundred and eleven! You beat me by four!" One day Satan challenged God to a baseball game. "OK, but you don't have a chance!" God chuckled. "I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and ALL the greatest baseball players up here!" "Doesn't matter," the Devil replied. "I have all the umpires!" An energetic young baseball rookie asked his MD if he thought he would live to be a hundred. "Well," pondered the doctor. "Do you drink or smoke?" "No! I have never done either of those things. I am in tip top shape!" "Do you gamble, drive fast motorcycles, or vigorously fuck hot chicks frequently?" "No. I have never done any of those things, either." "OK, so why would you want to live to be one hundred?" Q: What does an 85 year old chick smell like? A: Depends. A quarterback went to his doctor with pain in his shoulder. "I am very sorry, son, but you have a vicious and incurably fatal disease." "Wow! Isn't there anything that I can do Doc?" "Maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." "Mud baths! Will those cure me?" "No, but they will accustom you to being covered with dirt!" Q: How is a penis like a Rubik's Cube? A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets. Q: What's the definition of a bachelor? A: A guy who prefers to ball without the chain. Q: What do you call it when you sleep with a judge? A: Honorable discharge. Q: What is the definition of complete conceit? A: A mosquito floating down the river with a hardon while shouting, "Open the drawbridge! Open the drawbridge!" Mark was on a first date with a hot chick and, when they got to the "do it" phase, whipped out his penis and smiled broadly, as it was eighteen inches long. "Eeeek!" she exclaimed. "You're not sticking that thing into me! I'll kiss it...I'll lick it..."] "No way," he interrupted. "I can do that by myself!" Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Q: What's worse than a fellatrix with an overbite? A: A cunnilinguist with five o'clock shadow. Q: Why shouldn't a chick go down on a twelve inch cock? A: Because she might get foot-in-mouth disease. Q: What is the difference between a dick and a magic lamp? A: If you rub a dick three times, the genie isn't going to be the one to come. Q: What is the difference between light and hard? A1: It's light all day. A2: You can sleep with a light on. Q: What is the one thing worse than a piano out of tune? A: An organ that goes flat in the middle of the night. A guy went to his doctor and asked for some Sex-Lax. "Don't you mean Ex-Lax?" asked the doctor. "No, I don't have any trouble going, just trouble coming." Q: What is a Cinderella 10? A: A chick who sucks and fucks until midnight, then turns into a pizza and a six pack. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf, dumb, and blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. Q: What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? A: Bo Derek getting older. Did you hear the one about the Polish chick who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass? Q: What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme. Q: So, how do you make a hormone? A: Put sand in the Vaseline. Q: What do you call a rehabilitation house for hookers? A: An all-the-way house. Q: What's a cunt that talks back? A: An answering cervix. Q: Hear the one about the weirdo in California who was trying to cross a Mexican jumping bean with a cucumber? A: He was trying to create the first organic vibrator. Q: Why do chicks so like to play Pac-Man? A: Because they can get eaten three times for a quarter. One day a young housewife got horny as she started to clean her house. She took off all of her clothes and began masturbating right in the middle of the living room floor. As she got more and more worked up, she fell to the floor where she was loudly moaning and groaning. Just the her husband arrived home from work and, without taking his eyes off the days' mail, he said, "Dear, when you finish the vacuuming could you start my dinner?" Q: Why did the chick with the overly large pussy douche with Crest? A: She read that it reduced cavities. Q: What defines a highly skilled metallurgist? A: One who can tell if a platinum blonde is virgin metal or common ore. Q: What id the worst thing for a chick who is on her period and has a cold? A: Sneezing and having her tampon pop out. Q: A man and his wife were fooling around when she complained, "Honey! Could you take your ring off? It's hurting me." A: "Ring, Hell! That's my wristwatch!" Q: What is the difference between a chick and a volcano? A: Volcanoes don't fake eruptions. Q: How are pregnant chicks like typewriters? A: They skip their periods. Q: What's the difference between an Italian chick and Bigfoot? A: One is over six feet tall, covered with long, matted hair, and smells very bad; the other merely has big feet. Daffynition: Orgasm - a gland finale. Q: What's an 11? A: A 10 who swallows. Q: Did you hear about the guy who went to the Premature Ejaculators Support Group, but when he got there, there was no one else yet arrived? A: He got there an hour early. Q: What do you call a chick who moans and groans while having sex with her husband? A: A hypocrite. Q: What does a chick say after her third orgasm? A: You mean you've never heard? Q: Why is it ridiculous for chicks to complain about how white men make love too quickly? A: Just how much speed can you build up in 45 seconds? Q: What did the white loser guy do when the hot chick said, "What I want is a guy who'll really deliver." A: He ran out and got a pizza. Q: What's the lawyer's definition of a bachelor? A: Some stingy asshole who is cheating some deserving chick out of her settlement money. Q: What is a chick's definition of a perfect husband? A: One who has three million dollars worth of life insurance, and dies on his wedding night. Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A: The only time he wakes up stiff is if he jogged ten miles the day before. "Say, Buffy, weren't you dating that cute guy who played the trombone? How'd that turn out?" "Not good. He was affectionate enough, but every time he'd kiss me, he'd try to shove his fist up my ass." Q: How can you tell for sure that a man is planning for the future? A: When he buys two cases of beer instead of the usual one. Q: How can you tell if a guy's a real loser? A: The only way he gets to see a woman naked is if he buys the clothes off a department store mannequin. Q: What does a smart chick do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's Gift? A: She exchanges him. Q: How are husbands like gas powered lawn mowers? A: Because they are hard to get started, they don't work half the time, and when they do work they are always emitting fowl odors. A lonely guy is in a bar and always orders two drinks at time. He drinks one and then pours the second over his right hand. The bartender notices this and, partly because he has to wipe up the spilled second drink, asks the man why he was doing this. "Because I want to make sure my date is just as drunk as I am." Q: How can a chick tell that her husband is overly ugly? A: When she goes to mate-swapping party and she is forced to throw in the mailman. Q: How can a guy tell for certain that his partner is losing interest? A: When her favorite position is "next door". Q: Why don't many men have midlife crises? A: Because they are still stuck in adolescence. Q: Did you hear about the guy who was a real loser? A: He phoned a dial-a-sex line and the chick told him, "Not now. I have an earache." Q: Did you hear about the smart white kid whose mother caught him beating off in the bathroom? A: She told him that he was going to go blind if he continued, so he asked if he at least could proceed until he needed glasses. Q: What is the hallmark of the fantasies of an insecure lover? A: Imagining he's someone else. Q: Did you hear about the dumb white guy who was so hard up for cash that her held up a lawyer? A: He lost $1100. Q: What is the definition of "dumb"? A: A guy who rolls up his sleeve when a hot chick asks him to show her his "muscle". Q: What do a cobra and a two-inch dick have in common? A: No one wants to fuck with either one. Q: What's the clue that a guy's dick is really small? A: When a chick goes down on him, she doesn't suck, she flosses. An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I became Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred." Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: Jock itch. Q: What made the hockey player suspicious when his girlfriend told him that she wanted to have sex in the backseat? A: Because she had insisted that he drive. Q: What does a guy get when he crosses a hooker with a pitbull? A: His last blowjob. Q: Why do men think the contraceptive sponge is so swell? A: Because after sex the chick can get up and wash the dishes. Q: What sure sign do we have that chicks have less brains than men? A: Because they don't have a dick to put them in. Q: Why did God give women nipples? A: To make suckers out of men. Q: Why is beauty more important than brains for a chick? A: Because many men are stupid but few are blind. Q: What has always been the most effective method of birth control since the days of Adam and Eve? A: Laughter. Q: A woman of 30 thinks about having children. What does a man of 30 think about? A: Dating children. Q: What does a man define as the length of eternity? A: The time between when he comes and she leaves. Q: How many men does it take to mop a floor? A: None. Men know that mopping floors is a woman's job. Q: What one thing do we men think is OK about Women's Liberation? A: It gives you girls something to do in your spare time. Q: What a man's definition of a wife? A: an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. Q: What is a man's idea helping with the housework? A: Lifting up his feet so that his wife can vacuum underneath. Q: What's the definition of a faithful husband? A: One whose alimony checks never bounce. "Linda," the man said to his wife. "I saw you today at a restaurant with another man. I want you to tell me why, and I want you to tell me the truth." "OK, dear. Which do you want?" Q: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? A: You could have gotten by with a smaller fig leaf. Q: Why do men like love at first sight? A: Because it saves a lot of time. Men: give them an inch and they'll add it to their own. Q: When is it considered proper for a chick to spit in a guy's face? A: When his moustache is on fire. Q: What is proof positive that soap operas are fictional? A: In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. Q: What's the best defense against rape? A: Beating off the attacker. Q: Why do chicks love to play Pac-Man? A: Because they get eaten three times for a quarter. Q: Did you hear about the bargain hunter who had his vasectomy done at Sears? A: Every time he got a hardon, his garage door opened. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest near her home when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out at her from behind a tree. "Little girl, I'm going to eat you up!" "Eat, eat, eat! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" Q: Why are bankers such good lovers? A: They have a good grasp of the penalty for early withdrawal. Q: Who was the dumbest soldier in US history? A: The one who wrote to Stars and Stripes demanding to know the identity of the man buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Did you hear about the masochistic Marine sergeant who drilled his privates? Q: What do Air Force flight simulators and Playboy have in common? A: They both improve eye to hand coordination. Q: Have you read the new Russian bestseller? A: Its called Cream of the Army by Ivan Jackinoff. Q: How can you tell which Green Beret at the beach is gay? A: He's the one with shaving scars on his legs. Q: What is the worst tile to hear called while playing bingo in Iran? A: B-52. The incredibly handsome GI went to the PX and asked for a great Valentine's Day card. The blushing hot chick clerk showed him one and said, "This one is my personal favorite!" It read: To the only girl I'll ever love. "Great!" he responded. "I'll take 12 and a dozen rubbers." Did you hear about the new special Medical Alert dog tags being issued to black epileptic soldiers? It says: I am not break dancing. Q: Why did they send so many females with PMS to fight in the Gulf War? A: Because they love to pick fights, and they retain water for four days. Q: Why do so many black chicks miss the first day of school? A: Morning sickness. A dignitary from Sodom Arabia asked a US Marine why he and his felloe troops were always smiling. "That's because, sir," the Marine answered, "We all get to go back to the States. You guys have to live here. One questioon asked of an OCS candidate was: "Were is the Suwanee River?" When he answered, "Far, far away," he passed the test. One troop who was in the service line looked at the soldier serving the hash and asked, "What's in this, anyway?" "Relax," came the answer. "No one you know." Q: Why won't they let Puerto Ricans pilot the Stealth Bomber? A: Because they'd honk the horn, squeal the tires, and play the radio too loudly. Commanding Officer to enlisted man, "Why aren't you working, Private?" Enlisted man: "Because I didn't see you coming, Sir!" Q: Did you hear about the big sale of surplus Venetian blinds to the Ethiopian Army? A: They are using them for bunk beds. Q: Why did the Drill Sergeant walk around with his fly unzipped? A: In case he had to count to eleven. Q: What's the difference between an Army parachute and a prophylactic? A: When the parachute fails, someone DIES. Q: How can you tell if the new helicopter was built specifically for the Polish Air Force? A: The pilot's seat is an ejection seat. Q: How do Iranian firing squads form up? A: One behind another. The drill sergeant lost no time waking the troops at 0400. Yelling to those in the bunks on the right hand side of the barracks, he said, "You're all a bunch of shit-ass good for nothing excuses for men!" Turning to the left side he shouted, "And you limp- wrist cocksuckers are nothing but waists of skin!" Q: How do you make "Chicken Vietnam"? A: First, you napalm a chicken farm... Q: Why couldn't the WAVE get pregnant during the gale at sea? A: All the seamen kept falling down to the deck. Q: Have you seen the latest Italian fighter plane? A: Its got a pointy nose and plenty of hair under its wings. Q: What do you call a soldier whose lower legs have been blown off by an IED? A: Neal. Q: What is the definition of a virgin Venezuela soldier? A: One who hasn't raped a nun yet. Q: What do you call a woman pilot with VD? A: An aircraft carrier. Q: Why won't the Army accept recruits who are half German and half Italian? A: Because they always attack suddenly the surrender immediately. Did you hear about the aerial reconnaissance expert who didn't believe in flying saucers? That is, until the day he patted the ass of a waitress who worked in a coffee shop... Q: What was the motto of the Greek soldiers who helped fight in the Falkland Islands? A: "Save the Sheep!" Unaware of the other's existence, an Arab in his tank and an Israel in his, were approaching each other head-on but out of sight since they were climbing opposite sides of the same hill. When they crested the hill, they espied one another. "I surrender!" shouted the Arab. Not to be outdone, the Israeli grabbed the back of his neck and shouted, "Whiplash!" Q: How do you sink the Iraqi Navy? A: Put it in water. Did you hear about the new Italian Army rifles? The ad for them read: "Never fired. Only dropped once." Q: Why are the Iraqi pilots able to train in half the time as all others? A: Because they don't have to learn how to land. Q: What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a Mexican? A: Oil of Olé. Q: How do you find a foxhole? A: Lift its tail. Want to know what test the Army gives to their potential recruits? They show each guy a hot chick and an ugly chick. If the potential soldier goes for the hot chick, the accept him. If he goes for the ugly chick, they reject him. If he doesn't go for either chick, they send him over to the Navy recruiting office. Q: How does a French soldier make love? A: He kisses both his wife's cheeks before moving to the front. The Inspector General was examining as he walked through the mess hall, and asked one of the troops, "How do you like the food?" "We fight over it all the time, sir." "That good, eh?" "Not exactly, sir. Whoever loses the fight has to eat the food." Q: What is the military definition of slow dancing? A: A naval engagement without the loss of sesamen. Q: What happened to the fly on the seat of the latrine? A: It got pissed off. Q: How were the promiscuous chick's legs like the US Army? A: Because they were open to any man between the ages of 18 and 35. Q: What goes, Hop, Skip, Jump, Ka-Boom? A: Afghani children playing in a mine field. Q: Why did the faggot sergeant get kicked out of his military unit? A: He was caught playing with his privates. The FSU football team were all in a remedial English class. "What," asked the professor, "comes after a sentence?" "The appeal!" they all shouted in unison. Q: What happened when all the men in the leper colony enlisted? A: They were defeeted. Q: And after they were defeeted? A: They were disarmed. Sign on the wall in a military mess hall: FOOD WILL WIN THE WAR. Below that some enlisted wag had written: How do we get the enemy to eat here? Q: What do you call an Afghani soldier with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A: Bisexual. Q: Did you hear about the draftee who tried to get exempted on the basis of bad eyesight? A: He brought along his wife as evidence. Q: Why do so many sailors from San Francisco do so well serving on submarines? A: They love to go down. Q: How many Syrian arms experts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to turn the bulb and one to ask the Russian advisor in which direction it should be turned. Q: How did the Germans manage to capture Poland so easily? A: They marched in backwards and told the Poles they were leaving. Q: What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute? A: A quarter-ton pickup. A horny young couple were touring New England when the spirit moved them, so they had vigorous sex on an eight foot grave capstone. The next day the bride went to the doctor complaining of back pain. "How exactly old did you say you were, Miss?" "Twenty four, why do you ask?" "Because it says on your ass that your died in 1787." Q: What is a Jewish mother's ultimate dilemma? A: Having a queer son who is dating a doctor. Q: What does it mean when you go on the Scarsdale Diet? A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life on bread and water. Q: How much did the shrink charge the elephant? A: $1100. One hundred for the visit and 1000 for the sofa. Q: Did you hear about the hooker with a degree in psychiatry? A: She'll blow your mind. Q: What did the doctor say to the nymphomaniac? A: Take two aspirin and ball me in the morning. Q: When does a doctor become most irritated? A: When he is out of patients. Q: What does a faggot nurse give his patients? A: First AIDS. A racist has to go in for emergency surgery and says, before being put under, "Whatever you do, don't give me the heart of a nigger." When he wakes up the doctor tells him, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the bad news: We gave you heart of a black guy. Now the good news: Your dick has grown three inches since the transplant!" Q: What did the doctor tell Rock Hudson when he first was diagnosed with AIDS? A: Don't worry, we'll have you back on your knees in no time. Q: What is the most difficult thing for a JAP who is having a colostomy? A: Finding a pair of shoes that match. Q: Why are there so few Hispanic doctors? A: Because it is too difficult to write prescriptions with spray paint. A badly psychotic patient who had been seeing the same shrink for four years went in and saw him for a followup visit. "Good news, Mr Biden, you are completely cured!" Upon hearing this the patient leapt to his feet and pulled out a high-capacity semi-automatic pistol and pointed it at the shrink. "Holy Shit! Mr Biden what on earth are you doing?" "What I must," the patient answered. "Now you know too much!" The dumb blonde who wanted to become a neuro- pathologist decided to conduct an experiment of her own. She took a frog and cut off one of its legs, then yelled, "Jump!" The frog took an almost normal leap. She amputated another leg and yelled, "Jump!" The frog took a respectable leap. She amputated a third leg, the yelled "Jump!" The frog moved only about one foot. She amputated the fourth leg then yelled, "Jump!" The frog couldn't move at all. The blonde then wrote in her science log: "Frogs that have had all four legs cut off suddenly become deaf." Q: How can you spot a poor doctor? A: He's the one driving an American made car. Q: Why do so few black people fill out organ donor cards? A: Because nobody wants to end up with black lung. The faggot made an appointment with his urologist and said, "Doc, I think I have VD." "From whom did you contract this?" the doctor asked. "Holy Shit, Doc!" came the reply. "How should I know. You think I got eyes in the back of my head?" An extremely obese man went to the nutritionist and pled desperately for help with his problem. "Easy. From now on we'll shove the food up your ass. You'll get mighty hungry, but I guarantee you'll lose a lot of weight." Six weeks later the fat guy went back to the nutritionist for a followup. He weighed in at over 100 pounds lighter. "How do you feel?" "Great!" the patient answered cheerfully, bouncing up and down vigorously. "Good. But what's with all the bouncing up and down, dude?" "Just chewing some gum," the patient answered with a broad smile. Q: Did you hear about the newly constructed hospital for homosexuals being built just outside Atlanta? A: It's called Sick Fags Over Georgia. Q: Did you hear about the new non-profit organization known by its a acronym DAM? A: It is know as Mothers Against Dyslexia. Q: Why didn't the leper cross the road? A: He didn't have the balls. Q: How many paranoid schizophrenics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just who wants to know? Q: Why don't any neurosurgeons have leprosy? A: In that line of work, they tend to fall apart under pressure. The middle age man went to a urologist for a circumcision. "Now that I am divorced, and dating again with great frequency, I want to make as many chicks as possible happy, and they seem to prefer it." The doctor consented to operate the next morning. When his patient regained consciousness the doctor was standing over him and said, "Mr Smith, I have some bad news and I have some good news." "What's the bad news, Doc?" "The bad news is that during the operation, my hand slipped. The scalpel completely severed you penis." "Holy Shit! What's the good news, Doc?" "The good news is, at least your dick wasn't malignant." "Well, Mr Smith, I have some bad news, and I have some worse news." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you have galloping leprosy. It is inevitably fatal in twenty four hours." "Holy Shit, Doc!" Smith replied, looking crestfallen. "What could POSSIBLY be worse news than that?" "I tried to call you yesterday, but couldn't get you on the phone." Q: How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That depends on how good is the insurance the lightbulb has. Having just graduated from medical school, young Simpson gloated, "What a profession! Just think I can now order a hot chick to strip naked, examine her thoroughly inside and out, and send the bill to her husband!" "Doctor Smith!" screamed the nurse to her boss as she rushed in to his office. "You just pronounced Mr Jones as healthy as a bull, but he took one step out of the office and dropped dead like a sack of potatoes!" "Quick!" the good doctor said without missing a beat. "Rotate his corpse around so that it looks like he was coming IN to the office!" At a seminar on psychopathology, the lawyer patiently listened to the shrink talk, then asks, "You've been talking about all forms of aberration and perversion, but what if my client is normal?" "Just send him to me. We can fix that, too." Late one night a young man ran into an all night pharmacy and blurted out, "Quick! Do you know a way to stop hiccoughs?" "Yep," said the pharmacist who without any fanfare gave the young fellow a major right backhand to his face. "Now you don't have hiccoughs any more, do you?" The customer looked shocked and refaced said, "No, but my girlfriend out in my car still does." Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a doctor? A: When a lawyer finishes a case, he asks if he left anything out. When a doctor finishes, he asks if he left anything in. A new doctor was working insanely long hours every day, seven days a week and turned to his colleague and said, "I am going home for the weekend just so my kids will remember what I look like." "Just keep an eye on what THEY look like!" Walter went to specialist after specialist, and finally learned that he was suffering from an acute need for fresh breast milk. Always having been a tit man all his life, Walter was pleased with the diagnosis. He put an ad on craigslist and was wowed by the large breasted redhead who had green eyes and freckles. They started in almost immediately, and Elsie was very pleased to learn that Walter had an extremely skilled pair of lips and a long, strong, and flexible tongue. After only a few minutes of this, she was highly aroused and took off all her clothes, lay back on the bed, and asked, "Is there anything else I can give you?" "Yes! Do you have any Oreo cookies?" Mr Smith was outraged when he received the bill from his dentist, so called him up. "It was just a simple extraction, yet you charged me three times the normal rate! How do you account for the discrepancy?" "Easy," said the dentist. "Your screams set my two other patients fleeing. I just did cost leveling." Q: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who thought his own dick was too small? A: He decided to hang himself. Two psychiatrists were comparing notes on their most difficult cases. One said, "Mine was a patient who had delusions of wealth, always telling about how he was expecting vast incomes from diamond mines in South Africa and from oil fields in Texas. "After four years of intensive therapy I had him to where he was cured." "What happened?" the second shrink asked. "Just then, his notice arrived." Q: What is the scariest thing about flu season? A: When you start describing your symptoms to your doctor and he begins backing away from you. Definition family doctor: Family doctor - he treats your family, you support his. Q: Did you hear the one about the sex maniac who had asthma? A: He could only catch his breath in snatches? The shrink closed his notebook, steepled his fingertips, and smiled toward the couch where the chick lay. "One very rarely uses the word 'cure' in our imprecise profession. But you are one hundred percent normal now. Goodbye and good luck." "Real fine, Doc. Swell." she answered. "I am surprised by your negative reaction to such good news, Miss Smith." "Well, it may represent an accomplishment from your viewpoint, but from mine - three years ago I was Joan of Arc, and now I'm just a nobody." "You'd better sit down," the doctor announced terrible news to his famous "player" young male patient. "You have a virulent blood disease, and you'll be dead in six months, at the longest." "Holy Shit, Doc! What should I do?" "Well, I think you should immediately marry some hideous fat chick and move to Kansas...it won't prolong your life span, but it will seem like the longest six months of your entire life." At one of the DC marches, one woman carried a sign that said: "I dream women will someday have the same rights as guns." Does that mean that this SLOBBERING libTARD wants... - women to be banned from entering school and college campuses? - women to be banned from any establishment selling alcohol? - women to be banned from polling places on election days - women to be banned from any official government group meetings? - all women to be banned from all airports? - you to have to pay a fee to the state before you can have a woman with you? - some women to be banned outright simply because they look too scary? - all women to be locked up at all times that they are not in use? Hmmmm.... - Does she also think that all guys should have more than one? - That all women should come with silencers? - All women need to be cleaned and greased after each use, then put in a locked box? A teenage boy went to a urologist complaining of painful discharge from his penis. The doctor glanced at it and told him he had VD. "No way, Doc!" he blurted. "It's gotta just be a cold!" "Very well," responded the doctor calmly, "But I am going to treat you for the clap until your dick sneezes." Finally Mr St James exclaimed, "After all these months of all your extra treatments, all your exorbitant fees, and no results! I think you are a quack, Doctor!" "Well, that's gratitude for you. And I just named my new yacht after you, no less." After executing a sideways four-wheel skid wherein he drifted to a stop, the man got out of his car and ran into the drugstore "You idiot! You bastard! Instead of bromide, you supplied my wife with cyanide!" "Oh, really? In that case you owe me another $8.50 for the prescription." Q: Did you hear the one about the super-resourceful proctologist? A: He always used two fingers, just in case the patient wanted a second opinion. Q: What is the difference between love and herpes? A: Herpes lasts forever. The doctor's wife was awakened from a sound slumber by her husband elbowing her forcefully as he said, "Quick! Get my bag, I have to hurry! Some guy just called and said he couldn't live without me!" "Calm down, dear," she answered. "I'm pretty sure that call was for me." Did you hear the one about the super hot chick who swallowed a razor blade on Monday? By Thursday she had given herself a hysterectomy, castrated her husband, circumcised her boyfriend, and given her minister a harelip. A large, muscular lumberjack walked in to the urologist's office and said, "Castrate me, Doc. Do it now!" "Are you certain?" the doctor asked. "That's pretty drastic!" "No talk, just do it now." Later, after the doctor had prepped and sawn off both the man's testicles, he asked the patient, who was regaining consciousness, if he would also like a circumcision while he was still on the operating table. "Circumcision! That's what I meant to ask for!" Dustin wasn't worried about his chiropractor's reputation for roughness, but by the time he'd finished his first treatment, he'd signed one check and two confessions. Mr Smith was nervous about going under the knife. When he awoke from his hernia surgery, his worst fears were confirmed: in addition to the large bandage on his abdomen, his groin area was encased in gauze. He yelled for the nurse, who brought in the doctor, who assured Mr Smith that the operation had been a complete success. "Oh, yeah? Then why all the gauze on my groin, Doc?" "Oh, that. I owe you an apology, Mr Smith. When I had completed my quick and deft surgical procedure, all the gastroenterology interns who viewed it burst out in applause. And as I took a bow of acknowledgement, I accidentally cut off your penis." Two shrinks were riding the elevator down from their offices, when one turned to the other and said, "How do you manage Dr Goldstein? All day long we hear a litany of insanity and perversions from the patients, but you look fresh as a daisy. How do you do it?" Dr Goldstein shrugged and said, "Who listens?" Mr Johnson went to the doctor complaining of terrible memory problems. "I forget everything! Appointments, bills, chores. It's terrible! What should I do?" "Pay me in advance." "Tell me the truth, Doc," the emaciated AIDS patient asked the doctor. "Exactly how long do I have to live?" "Well," the sawbones answered cheerfully. "It's hard to say, exactly. But if I were you, I wouldn't start watching any miniseries on TV." Olympic History Here is a piece of Greek history regarding the Olympic games. 2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in G= reece. This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter. At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics". So now you know... The woman patient went to the doctor complaining of being pained in her lower back. He watched her walk into his office and noticed how bowlegged she was, and that she was limping. "Have you been doing anything differently in the near past?" "I've been having sex doggy style."' "No problem!" he answered. "Just use a different position." "No way!" she yelled back at him. "My Great Dane won't do it in any other position!" "Great news, Mr. Smith!" the shrink announced. "After four years of weekly treating you, I can now firmly announce that you are completely cured!" "How can I be certain?" Mr Smith asked. "Simple. Just walk through the big Walmart, and you'll see that you won't be tempted to shoplift a single thing." "How can I ever thank you, Doc?" "Well, if you relapse, I could always use a new microwave." Who says there's no such thing as an honest doctor? "Why are we operating on this patient, Doctor?" the nurse asked. "Five hundred dollars," he replied. "No, I mean what does he have?" "Like I said, five hundred dollars." Patient: "Doctor, I'm feeling a bit schizophrenic." Shrink: "That makes four of us. Next!" Patient: "Doctor, I need to tell you that there's an invisible man waiting for you in your waiting room." Shrink: "Tell him I can't see him now. Next!" Patient: "Doctor, no one ever listens to me." Shrink: "Who's next?" Doctor to patient: "I have some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. You had to jump out of the window of the fourth floor of the hotel in which you were living to escape the fire. You landed on your feet with terrible force, and I had to amputate both your legs at the knees to save you." Patient: "What's the good news, Doc?" Doctor: "The good news is that you had terribly ingrown toenails on both feet, and they'll never trouble you again." A man was taking a tour of Hell with Satan when they came to a room filled with wine bottles and hot naked chicks. The guy comments, "Boy, I sure could have fun in this room!" "No," says the Devil. "See all those wine bottles? They all have holes in their bottoms. And that's not all. See all those hot chicks? They don't." A guy comes home from work and is greeted at the front door by his wife wearing only a skimpy negligee. She immediately drops to her knees and starts giving him a sloppy blowjob. "OK, Mabel. What happened to the car?" Daffynition - Wet dream: coming unscrewed. A woman entered the bathroom to find her 12 year old son masturbating furiously. "Stop that son, or you'll go blind!" "Well, then, is it OK if I keep going until I need glasses?" A college professor who was famous for his severe tendency to wander off topic, was lecturing about the evils of marijuana. "It can cause disorientation, sterility, cancer, and castration." "CASTRATION!" A male student ejaculated. "Vizualize if you will," the professor smugly continued, "Your girlfriend uses marijuana and gets the munchies." Q: Speaking of temperature, what is the coldest body part of an Eskimo? A: His balls; they are two below. Q: What is the great health hazard of electric blankets? A: Wet dreams. When Mike went to the doctor, he was told, "I have some good news and some bad news for you, Mr. Smith." "What's up, doc?" "The good news is that your penis is about to grow four inches in length and one inch in diameter." "So, what's the bad news?" "It's malignant, and then I'll have to cut it off." Q: What is the definition of a loser? A: The guy a hooker tells, "Not now. I have a headache. Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: Jock itch. Q: What do you call sperm from a reporter? A: Journaljism. What was the worst possible thing that the urologist could possibly say to the male patient who was awaiting circumcision? "It won't be long now." A guy was bragging about the size of his penis. "It measures four inches," he said. "Some chicks find it pleasing, but some complain that it is just too wide." Q: Who should you see if your hand isn't enough? A: A wet nurse. Q: What do you say to a black chick who is begging you for sex? A: "How much?" Q: Hear about the new generic rubbers? A: They're for cheap fuckers. A flasher walked up to a heavily wrapped up female standing at the bus stop in the bitterly cold New England Winter. "It's really c-c-cold out. Mind if I just describe myself?" An eight year old boy was charged with raping a twenty-nine year old woman. As unlikely as that sounds, apparently the evidence was overwhelming. Desperately, the defense attorney stands the boy up one the witness chair and "pantses" him so that he is bottomless in full view of the entire jury. He was prodding the tiny male member and said, "How could such a small and underdeveloped penis be a part of the rape of full grown female?" "WATCH IT!" said the kid from the stand. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!" Q: What's the only thing wrong with oral sex? A: The view. Q: What do you call a mountain climber who has had a vasectomy? A: A dry sack on the rocks. Q: How do you say "premature ejaculation" in France? A: Ooh la la--so soon? Q: What do you call a 200 foot long rubber? A: A condominium. Q: Why can men swim faster than women? A: Because each of them has a rudder. Q: Why did God make the man first? A: He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder. Q: How are tight pants like a cheap hotel? A: No ball room. A recent poll revealed that 90% of all males masturbate in the shower, while the other 10% sing. Do you know what these 10% sing? I didn't think so... One day the attractive female teacher walked in to her junior high class and found the word "p e n i s" in very small letters. She promptly erased it off the chalkboard after having scanned the class for the perpetrator. The next day she came into the classroom and found the word "P e n i s" in slightly larger letters. Another visual scan was negative, so she again erased it. The third day she came in and found it written "P E N I S" in large capital letters. Scan and erase. The next day she came in and found printed out in large letters, "See, Teach, the more you rub it, the bigger it gets." Q: What do you call a midget's circumcision? A: A Tiny Trim. New Male horror movie: Chainsaw Vasectomy A guy goes to see the urologist and when he drops his shorts reveals a penis the size of an olive. Disappointingly, both the doctor and his nurse break out in hysterical laughter. "Whazza Matter?" he responded sarcastically. "Ain't neither of youse seen a hardon before?" Q: What is green and is used to fry pricks? A: A Peter Pan. Q: What does the perfect male look like? A: Long, dark, and handsome. Joe went to the funeral parlor to visit his friend, who worked there as the embalmer. Joe took one look at the cadaver's humongous penis and yelled, "Holy Shit! I would LOVE to have a dick like that!" His friend answered, "Might as well. This dude's done with it. Here," he said as he deftly sliced free the whanger with a scalpel and handed it to Joe. When Joe got home he took his pants off and held the monstrous male member in front of his own ordinary contestant. "Look, dear," he said with a broad smile. "Oh, My God!" his wire shrieked. "What happened to Sydney?" Q: What do pitchers and player have in common? A: Fast balls. Hot Chick buying records: "Have you got 'Hot Lips' on a ten inch Decca?" Young male selling records: "No, but I have nine inches on a pecker." Hot Chick buying records: "Is that a record?" Young male selling records: "No, but it's way better than average." Two very nervous young men were sitting in the urologist's office, and learned in casual conversation that they shared highly similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other a green ring. The one with the red ring was admitted first, and he came out smiling within five minutes. "Don't worry, dude! It's no biggy! No sweat!" Relieved, the second patient went in for his turn. The doctor told him that he would have to amputate the guy's penis. "Whet!" exclaimed the distraught man. "That other guy you just saw also had a colored ring around his dick, and you told him it was nothing to worry about! How do you explain the difference between his case and mine?" "Because," said the doctor. "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene." Daffynition - Skyjacking: A hand job at 33,000 feet. Q: Why do men sleep better on their sides? A: Because they have kickstands. Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with fruit? A: A banana that peels itself. Q: What giggles and smokes like a chimney? A: A white chick in heat. Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with an elephant? A: A chick who'll do it for peanuts, then will never forget you. Q: Did you hear about the new ad for Clairol hair dye? A: Buy two and get a snatch to match! Q: What is a female Taurus? A: A Clitaurus, of course. An elegant looking middle aged woman wearing a mink stole walked into a pharmacy and asked the young male clerk where she could find batteries for her vibrator. He thought for a moment, then beckoned her with his curled up finger and said, "Come with me." "If I could come that way, I wouldn't have to have a vibrator!" Susy had dated a guy who played the French Horn. "So, how did it go with your new date last night?" her friend asked. "He was handsome, rich, personable, and perfect in almost every way," Susy said. "OK, what was the downside?" her friend asked. "Every time he'd kiss me he tried to stick his fist up my ass." Q: Why did the hooker wear French heels? A: She didn't want to sell herself short. What does a chick typically say after her third orgasm? What! You don't know? Daffynition: Cunt - a root canal. Q: What is the name of a hooker's favorite rock group? A: Yes. Q: If whiskey makes her frisky and gin makes her grin, what makes her pregnant? A: Two highballs and a squirt. Q: What's harder than getting six pregnant in a Volkswagen? A: Getting six women pregnant in a Volkswagen. Q: Did you hear about the woman who woke up with a rat on her stomach? A: The problem was, her pussy fell asleep. Q: Did you hear what happened to the call girl who scheduled two clients at the same time? A: She managed to fit them both in. Daffynition: Rib-tickler - a vibrator shoved in too far. Q: What is the only good prospect of electing a woman as Vice President? A: We wouldn't have to pay her as much. Q: What do a hooker and a shotgun have in common? A: One cock and they're ready to blow. Daffynition: Henpecked - a sterile man who doesn't inform his pregnant wife. Q: What do a hooker and an ice cream cone have in common? A: Everybody gets a lick. Q: What does a hooker have in common with a bus? A: Every body has to pay to get on. Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a nymphomaniac? A: Finding a guy with herpes and a giant dick. Q: What is the best defense against rape? A: Beating off the attacker. Q: What are Brownie Points? A: What you find inside a future Girls Scout's bra. Three morticians were arguing their trade with each other. "Just last week I had a man who committed suicide via hand grenade. It took me three days of maximum effort, but I finally finished and it turned out to be an open coffin funeral!" he boasted. "That's nothing!" said Mortimer. I had a chick who died by being run over by a steamroller. It took me two days of supreme effort just to get her ready in time for the open coffin service!" "You guys both have me beat," Charlie said dejectedly." "I was working on a chick who got killed skydiving, and it took me four whole days just to get the smile off her face...she landed on the Chrysler Building in New York!" Q: What is black and white and red all over? A: A half-breed on the rag. This is about the end of the oppression of statues in Baltimore. Unbelievable good news! Baltimore Is Now 'FREE AT LAST' as Mayor Removes Confederate Statues! Praise needs to be given to the Mayor of Baltimore. For years the Black community has been under assault by 4 Confederate Monuments. These monuments were relentless in their destruction of the Black family as over 70% of Black children were born out of wedlock. So terrified by the presence of these monuments, over 60% of Black men in the city could not work a job and found comfort in fathering numerous children with numerous women that they could not feed. Just knowing that the monuments were there made Black school children have the lowest test scores in the Nation and many turned to drugs to relieve the sting of the monuments presence. Worst of all, the mere presence of the monuments caused death. Not being able to handle the hate and violence that the monuments represented, the Black males in the city took to killing each other by the thousands. Just in the last 2 years they have murdered 500 of their own. Praise be to God and the Wisdom of the Mayor. It is a new dawn for Black Baltimoreans! The shackles have been removed and all that can be said is, Free at last, free at last, Lord God Almighty, we're free at last." Adam and Eve were strolling around in the Garden of Eden when Eve whirled on Adam and said, "Adam, do you still love me?" "Of course, Eve. Who else?" A newlywed couple went to a doctor complaining of fatigue. After examining them carefully, he was able to reassure them that their problem was not organic, but just a result of too much intercourse. "Here's my prescription for you. Restrict your vigors of lovemaking to days with an 'r' in them. That is Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. In a few weeks your batteries should be all recharged nicely." Well, all went well for them until the weekend. The bride had tremendous difficulty making it through "dry" Sunday. By the next day she was ready to climb the walls and told her husband to do her, with gusto. He was not averse to her proposition, but was puzzled. "What day is today?" he asked. "Mondray." Q: Why did the Polish chick tattoo her Zip code on the inside of her upper thigh? A; So she could get male delivered to her box. Q: What do you call a female peacock? A: A Peacunt. Q: What happens to Egyptian chicks who don't take the Pill? A: They become mummies. Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a Chinaman? A: Someone who will suck your laundry clean. Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a JAP? A: Someone who will suck your credit cards. Q: What's a lap dog? A: An ugly chick who gives good head. Q: What do you call an airline stewardess who gives male passengers had jobs? A: A hijacker. Maisie was a stacked beautiful red headed hooker who was the most popular employee at Mabel's Whorehouse. On a slow night she would climb the three flight of stairs up to her penthouse bedroom at least ten times per shift. On a busy weekend night she would climb up with at least two dozen guys. Finally Maisie goes to her madam and says, "I have to quit. This job is killing me!" But you're so popular, you could just cut down a few guys a night, and you could still retire by the time you reach age 30!" "Oh, I like all the guys just fine!" Maisie answered. "But all the fucking stairs are too much for me." Q: Why do Polish babies have such big heads? A: So they won't fall out and hit the floor during the wedding polka. Daffynition: Female bisexual - A lesbian with car trouble. The madam at the local whorehouse hired a carpenter to install a partition between two of her rooms. "That will be $60." the carpenter said at the time to settle up. "Oh!" exclaimed the aging hooker. "I don't have the money, but I will let you take it out in 'trade' if you like." "OK, but I insist that YOU perform the service, not one of your flunkies." The madam was flattered by his attention and took him to one of the rooms, where she promptly took off all her clothes and was immediately startled when he stuck his thumb in her pussy and his fingers in her asshole. "Give me the $60 in cash RIGHT NOW, or I'll tear out the partition!" Q: What is the ultimate embarrassment for a chick? A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the metal detector at the airport. Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and eating sushi? A: The rice. Q: Why do lawyers like to play golf? A: It's the only time they get to dress up like pimps. The lawyer whose client is on trial for murder turns to him and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. First, the bad news. The DNA in your blood test came back and your DNA has been positively identified as all over the murder weapon, the murder victim, and the crime scene." "Holy Shit! What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140." Q: How does a New York women get rid of a cockroach? A: She asks him for a commitment. Q: What can you always find inside a clean nose? A: Fingerprints. Q: Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? A: He chewed off three of his legs and was still caught in the trap. Q: Why do male sheep fuck female sheep on high cliffs? A: It makes the female sheep push back even harder. Q: What did the lawyer say when he stepped in dog shit? A: "Oh, my God! I'm melting!" Q: How can you tell if your house has been burglarized by a faggot? A: All the jewelry is missing and the furniture has been tastefully re-arranged. A Baptist minister is speeding on the freeway when he gets pulled over by a State Trooper. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the Trooper asked. "No, I don't." The Trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. "Have you been drinking tonight?" "Only water," the minister replied. "Isn't that an empty wine bottle I see on the floor of your car?" the Trooper asked, smiling sarcastically. "Good Lord!" the minister exclaimed. "He has done it once again!" Q: How do lawyers sleep? A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other. Q: What was Gianni Versace's last line? A: Chalk. Q: Why did so many people take an instant dislike to Crooked Hitlery? A: It saved time. Q: What happened to John Denver's career? A: It took a nosedive. Q: What is the worst thing you can throw to a drowning guitar player? A: An amplifier. Q: How can a chick tell if the baby she is carrying will be a lawyer? A: She has a strong urge for bologna. Q: What is the definition of the difference between a blonde and a parrot? A: A parrot can say "No". Q: What is an Irish porno movie? A: One minute of sex and 59 minutes of whiskey commercials. FIVE INDICATORS YOU'RE A REDNECK: 1. You hold your wedding reception at the Waffle House. 2. You spit on your own floor. 3. Your hairline started receding in the sixth grade. 4. You have three first names. 5. Your garbage man can't tell what goes and what stays. Q: Hear about the song Elton John wrote for Mother Teresa? A: It's called, Sandal in the Wind. Q: What's the difference between a Metallica concert and the Tyson-Holyfield match? A: After the concert there is ringing in your ears. After the match there are ears in the ring. Q: Who is Mike Tyson's next opponent? A: Lorena Bobbitt - winner eats all. Q: What did Evander Holyfield say to his barber? A: Just take a little off the ears. Q: What did Slick Willie do when someone threw a beer at him? A: It was a draft, so he dodged it. THE FIVE SHORTEST BOOKS IN THE WORLD: 1. The Moral Principles of the Clintons. 2. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette. 3. The Amish Phone Book. 4. George Forman's Big Book of Baby Names. 5. Barack Obama's Handbook of Patriotisms. Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton doll? A: You wind it up and it never tells the same story twice. Q: Why are fundamentalists boycotting "The Flintstones"? A. Because they refuse to have a gay old time. Q: What does it mean when the flag is flying half-staff at the Post Office? A: Now hiring. Q: How did John Denver learn to fly an airplane? A: He took a crash course. Q: What was the last thing that went through John Denver's mind when his plane crashed? A: Its propeller. Q: Why did the Unabomber move to the Middle East? A: So he could blend right in. Q: What is the difference between Evander Holyfield and corn? (Hint: This is a Cannibal Mike Tyson joke.) A: Corn has ears. Q: How many gangsta rappers are there in America? A: It depends on whether you ask now or ten minutes from now. Q: What is the name of Dr Kervorkian's rock album? A: Unplugged. Q: What did Slick Willie tell Teddy Kennedy? A: At least MINE are still alive when I finish with them. Q: What is a surefire clue you are flying on a Mexican air line? A: When you get to your destination you have to buy your luggage back. Q: How did the Nazis capture Poland so easily? A: They marched in backwards and told everyonethey were leaving. Q: What does a black guy harvest when he picks his nose? A: Noogers. Q: Why did the cannibal starve to death in Mexico? A: He found plenty of food, but he couldn't clean it. Q: What did the black guy do after he won the lottery? A: He bought a limousine and hired a white guy to ride around in the back seat. Q: What do you call a butler from India? A: Mahat Macoat. Q: What did the Polish mother do to stop her son from biting his nails? A: She bought him a pair of shoes. Q: What is the difference between a Polack and a turd? A: The color. Q: What was big, brown, hairy, had big lips, and fell off the Empire State building? A: Martin Luther Kong. Q: How long do folks from Arkansas cook their meat? A: Until the tire marks go away. Q: What did Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Crooked Hitlery have in common? A: The first three liked to sleep with men. Q: When Slick Willie was president, what was the Presidential anthem? A: "Kneel to the Chief." Q: What was the recipe for Slick Willie stew? A: One small weenie in hot water. Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say to Slick Willie? A: "Why didn't you just drive her home?" Q: What would have happened if the draft dodging Slick Willie were gay? A: All the cigars in the White House would have tasted like shit. Q: What do you call a doctor who treats fat chicks' vaginas? A: A rhinocologist. Q: What did one testicle say to the other testicle? A: It was Peter who did all the shooting. Why should we hang? Q: Why do Mexicans eat refried beans? A: To get a second wind. Q: What do Puerto Ricans use for wedding rings? A: Flea Collars. Q: What is the definition of "fair"? A: If chicks can have PMS, men can have ESPN. Q: What is a good sign you're getting too old? A: Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't find out until Easter. Q: What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: A Senator. Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so short? A: Because they aren't his. Q: Why do they frisk students in New York public screwels? A: So if you don't already have a gun, they can provide you one. Q: Why did Michale Jackson give up Pepsi? A: He went back to Seven and Up. Q: What is a sure sign that a guy is really in love? A: When he divorces his wife. Q: How can you tell when you're really a loser? A: When, on your wedding night, your bride says she wants to date other men. Q: How can you tell when a chick has been masturbating with a cucumber? A: When the salad comes, so does she. Q: What happened to the transvestites who got arrested? A: They were charged with male fraud. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat? A: You have to take her to Sea World to get baptized. A little boy walks in to his parents' bedroom while they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing, Mommy?" "Daddy is so fat that I am bouncing all the air out of him." "That won't do any good Mommy," he responded. "The lady next door will just blow him back up again." Q: What is the definition of Branson, Missouri? A: Las Vegas for the toothless. Q: What is the difference between a faggot and a suppository? A: Nothing. Q: What is a lesbian's favorite pet? A: A lap dog. Q: What is the name of the TV show that featured fags in Nazi prison camp? A: Hogan's Homos. Q: What is the name of the faggot organization that sexually abuses pigs? A: HAMBLA. Q: What's the difference between an Irishman and a Muslim? A: The Irishman gets stoned before he sleeps with someone else's wife. Q: What did the guy do when his Italian wife left him? A: He masturbated with a brillo pad. Q: How did the Jewish American Princess commit suicide? A: She jumped off her stack of credit cards. Q: How ugly was the Italian girl? A: She was so ugly even a leech wouldn't give her a hickey. Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Not enough. Q: What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony? A: Unemployed. Q: What's the definition of a jury? A: Twelve people who decide which side has the better lawyer. Q: What's the difference between O J and Colonel Sanders? A: Colonel Sanders kills his chicks before he batters them. Q: Why did Slick Willie have a clear conscience? A: Because he never used it. Q: What did Mark Fuhrman do that a black chick can't? A: Got O J off. Q: How does Snow White get seven inches of hard cock? A: One inch at a time. Q: What do you get when you cross Madonna and a convertible? A: A singer whose top comes right off. Q: How can you tell if the wedding you're attending in Arkansas is high class? A: The bride's veil covers most of her overalls. Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a lawyer? A: A lawyer who won't fuck you. Q: What has four balls and eats ants? A: Two uncles. Q: What's the difference between meat and fish? A: When you beat your fish, it dies. Q: How can you tell Deadhead has been to your house? A: He's still there. So your lawyer and your mother-in-law are both trapped in a burning building, and you only have time to save one of them. What is the best thing you can do? Go catch a movie. Q: Hear about the Jewish American Princess with leprosy? A: She talked her head off. Q: What comes after 69? A: Listerine. Q: Hear about the Puerto Rican who was too young to drive? A: He stole taxis. Q: What does a JAP consider aerobics? A: Shopping faster. Q: What does a JAP at an orgy say? A: What? MY turn again? Q: How can you tell which parents at the PTA meeting are Sicilians? A: They're the ones attending under an assumed name. Q: How can you tell if an chick is half Irish and half Italian? A: She mashes her potatoes with her feet. Q: Why did the Polack marry his dog? A: Because he had to. Q: How do you stop a Polack from biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes. Q: Hear about the Polish duck hunters? A: Their decoy got away. Q: Why are Catholic girls always so silent during sex? A: They don't believe in talking to strangers. Q: What do you get when you cross a German with an Irishman? A: Someone who is too drunk to follow orders. Q: What about the klansman from Arkansas? A: He was a real sheethead. Q: Why don't cannibals eat Jewish kids? A: Because they're always spoiled. Q: Why are turtleneck sweaters so popular in Poland? A: Because they cover up the flea collars. Q: Did you hear about the new dance hall in Israel? A: It's called "Let My people go-go." Q: Why did the Polish scientist stay up night after night? A: He was trying to find a cure for insomnia. Q: Why is teen sex so exciting in Baghdad? A: You never know if the car is going to explode before you do. Q: Why don't Iraqis go to bars anymore? A: Because they can get bombed at home. Q: How can you tell for sure if a bride is Jewish? A: After the wedding, all her relatives gather up and save the rice. Q: What is a sure sign that a hospital patient has AIDS? A: He gets is shots with a dart gun. Q: What proof do we have that parrots are smarter than chickens? A: There's no such thing as Kentucky Fried Parrot. Q: Why did the faggot pickpocket always come home empty-handed? A: He was just browsing. Q: Hear about the Jewish American Princess who was bisexual? A: Twice a year was too much. Q: What is the motto of the gay Canadian Mounties? A: We always get our man. And we get to keep him, too. Q: Hear about the queer Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dyke? A: She beat the shit out of him. Q: Why did the Jewish lesbian move back to Israel? A: She missed the Hebrew tongue. Don’t know why we’re afraid of the North Koreans. They haven’t gone to war in 60 years, but look at all the medals their generals are wearing. We could defeat them with a large magnet. Q: Hear about the young guy who gave his first blow job? A: It left him with a queer taste in his mouth. Q: Did you hear about the new popsicle for queers? A: Its got hair around the stick. Q: Did you hear the one about the Australian guys who came late for the gay Olympics? A: They couldn't get out of Sydney. Little Billy the Boy Scout comes home and has a hand grenade in his pants. His mother asks him, "What's that you have in your trousers?" "A hand grenade," he replies honestly. "Holy Shit! Why do you have a hand grenade in your pants?" "So the next time that fucking faggot scoutmaster tries to grab my cock I can blow his fingers off." Q: How can you tell if your wife is truly ugly? A: When the waiter brings your food to the table and places her plate on the floor. Q: What is the lesbian's favorite ice cream flavor? A: Sardine. A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Q: What do you call a retired black hooker? A: Grandma. Q: What did the rooster say to the hen? A: How would you like your egg this morning? Q: What is a surefire clue that a nuclear power plant is unsafe? A: The billing department moves out. Q: How can you tell when you have bad breath? A: The first thing in the dentist's office, he heads for the laughing gas. The Puerto Rican girl was on the witness stand and the prosecutor asked her, "When you were being raped, did you scream for help?" She nodded. "And did anyone come?" "First he did, then I did." Q: How can you tell if your son is a true sadist? A: He gets a girl pregnant just so he can watch the rabbit die. Q: Did you hear about the slutty cheerleader? A: She came home late from the football game with a bad case of athlete's fetus. Q: Why did Woody Allen have to go see the doctor? A: He had a diaper rash. Q: What is the definition of a true genius? A: A nudist who has a good memory for faces. Q: How can you tell your parents really hate you? A: Your house catches on fire and they send you back inside to play. Q: Why do Polacks have arms? A: So their fingers don't smell like armpits. Q: How can you tell when you have a bad acne problem? A: When your dog calls you Spot. Q: How do they play baseball in Mexico? A: Drink some water and then try to make it home. Q: What's the difference between love and insanity? A: Insanity lasts forever. Q: How can you spot the redneck at Sea World? A: He's the one carrying a fishing pole. Q: What is a surefire clue that a chick is really ugly? A: She blindfolds herself before she showers.