Q: What can a chick do to interest her husband into performing oral sex? A: Douche with beer. Q: What can a chick do to force her husband to do sit-ups? A: Put the TV remote between his toes. Q: What should a chick do to find out what life is like without a man around? A: Get married. So the player spies a hot chick inside a bar and announces to his two pals, "Watch the master at work, men!" He then proceeds to walk up to her, and says, "Hey, good-lookin', haven't I seen you before?" "As a matter of fact, you have." "So, how do I know you?" he asks, taken aback by her unexpected response. "I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." Q: What is an excellent clue that your wife is way too fat? A: She falls asleep next to the ocean and six lifeguards run up and try to roll her back out to sea. Q: What is the only thing that allows a married woman to have a sex life? A: Half time. Q: Define the difference between a husband and a lawyer. A: The same as the difference between ten minutes and whole hour. Q: What are three miracles? A: The parting of the Red Sea, water turned into wine, and your wife saying, "Would you like a blowjob?" Q: Hear about the vacuum manufacturer that came with a vibrating attachment? A: It is called Electro-Fucks. Q: How did the whole squadron of Navy pilots come down simultaneously with VD? A: They all made a landing on the same carrier. Q: How can you tell if your wife is truly ugly? A: She is sunbathing naked on the beach when a gang of Hells Angels rides up, surrounds her, and gang-dresses her. Q: What compliment can you pay to a chick who has no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Q: What kind of fur would your mother-in-law look best in? A: Pit bull. Q: What is the least sensitive part of the penis? A: The man. Q: What is the difference between a man and a cat? A: One is a finicky eater that couldn't care less if you lived or died; the other is merely a house pet. Q: How can a chick tell if her date is a real loser? A: When his hobby is collecting dust. Q: Why are the Japanese as a race so smart? A: No blondes. Q: How do you compel a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the golfer have such a terrible sex life? A: It was his short putts. Q: Did you hear about the divorce lawyer whose services were guaranteed? A: "You must be satisfied, or you get your honey back." Q: What's the definition of a wet dream? A: Coming unscrewed. Q: Why is the new contraceptive sponge such a good idea? A: Because after sex, the chick can get up and wash the dishes. Q: What do a nympho and a shotgun have in common? A: One cock and they're ready to blow? Q: What is a Tempura House? A: A house for highly battered women. Q: Did you hear about the new home surgery kit? A: It's called Suture Self. Q: What's the primary difference between a tree and a leper? A: A tree has limbs. Q: Why shouldn't a little girl ever ask a man for a soda? A: Because he might make her cherry pop. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to one of his friends when he asked for a beer? A: "That'll cost you an arm and a leg." Q: How did the police know that Jeffrey Dahmer killed one man in his shower? A: They found his head and shoulders. Q: What could be found in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator? A: Ground Chuck. Q: What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite food? A: Finger sandwiches. Q: How did Jeffrey Dahmer get away with murder for so long? A: Because he had a lot of balls. Q: How do you get double protection? A: Buy a pitbull with AIDS. After years of marriage, the WASP was finally persuaded to have a baby. Ten months later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She spent three more months on bed rest. Then, at the suggestion of her husband, she took the baby to the zoo to look at the animals. As they walked past the gorilla cage, the adult gorilla reached out, grabbed the baby, and ate her. A policeman soon arrived and tried to comfort the WASP by saying, "It's OK, lady. You and your husband can always have another kid." "Like Hell!" yelled the wife. You think I haven't got anything better to do than make babies and feed the gorillas? Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a pit bull? A: Your last blowjob, ever. Q: What music do they play at a skydiver's funeral? A: A RIP chord. Q: What was the name of the skydiver whose 'chute didn't open? A: Spot. Q: Why did the little girl stuff a rabbit into her vag? A: She wanted pubic hare. Q: What is a larger dose called? A: Genecider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What is the golden shower enthusiast's favorite movie? A: Flushdance. Q: Why are golden shower enthusiasts proud to be called "perverts"? A: Because the word "pervert" begins with "pee..." Q: Why did the golden shower enthusiast make his girlfriend dress up like a fairy? A: So he could call her Tinkle Bell. Q: What's the definition of "panic"? A: When you are on an airliner just lifting off and the pilot announces on the PA, "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking, and my name is Mohammed..." Q: How can you tell that you are flying on Puerto Rican airlines? A: When you reach your destination you have to steal back your own luggage. Q: How can you tell if you're flying Vatican Airlines? A: The emergency escape instructions are printed in Latin so that Catholics can get out first. Q: Did you hear about the Polack who drowned inside his own home? A: He was constipated, and the doctor gave him a powerful laxative and told him to stay in bed. A man came home from work early and found his wife in bed, naked, and next to her was a cigar butt in the ashtray. "Where did THAT come from?" he exclaimed. "From Cuba!" said the stupid naked Polack who popped out of the closet. Q: How can you tell you are in a Jewish mother's house? A: There is even a safety mat in the bird bath. Q: What is a sure test of authenticity in a Polish girl? A: When a mosquito bites her, he vomits. Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier with a medal? A: A thief. Q: What is the difference between a Polack and a turd? A: The color . Q: Why are golfers such terrible lovers? A: Because they can't get used to the fact that the hole is in the middle of the rough. Q: Why wouldn't the nudist team join the baseball league? A: They only would play in exhibition games. Q: What should you do if ever you get attacked by an Iranian tank? A: Shoot the guys pushing it. Q: Did you hear about the new Iranian laxative? A: Every time they hear a US plane, they shit. Q: Did you hear about the new Israeli Army doll for girls? A: It's called G I JAP. Q: What's the difference between an American Airlines plane and a Mexican Airlines one? A: On the American Airlines, the steward offers you a drink for $5. On the Mexican Airlines plane, the steward offers you his sister for $5. Q: What kind of dress does an Italian woman wear that looks authentic? A: One with wine stains in front and shit stains in back. Q: What is the definition of a premature baby in Harlem? A: ONe who is born before the mother becomes addicted to crack. Q: What's different about the Warsaw stadium? A: The artificial turf died. Q: Did you hear how the Klansman who was a bedwetter addressed that problem? A: He attended meetings in a rubber sheet. Q: Why won't they let Puerto Ricans pilot the Stealth bombers? A: Because they always squeal the tires, honk the horn, and play the radio too loudly. Q: Why did the Scotsman take up golf after nearly ten years away? A: He found his missing ball. Q: Did you hear about the Italian girl who nearly died from ballet? A: The first time she did a pirouette, the hair in her armpits nearly strangled her. Q: Did you hear the one about the Jewish bandit who walked into a department store with a pricing gun? A: He yelled, "Give me all your money, or I'll mark down the price on every item in the place!" Q: Did you hear the one about the Polish prankster? A: He walked into a fire and yelled, "Theater!" Q: What is the difference between a redneck wedding and an urban wedding? A: The redneck wedding is never consummated until the bride is weaned. Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who visited his folks at home? A: Just to make him feel at home, they bombed his bedroom. Q: Did your hear about the first "beautiful body" contest they held in Moscow? A: The winner was a phone booth. Q: How does an Italian chick shave her armpits? A: She uses up two fresh razor blades, then dynamites the stumps. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish helicopter? A: The pilot's chair is an ejection seat. Q: Did you hear about the Puerto Rican who called the Suicide Hotline for help? A: They sent two guys over to shoot him. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish smoke detector? A: It comes with a snooze alarm. Q: Did you hear about the Beverly Hills juvenile delinquent? A: He was too young to drive, so only stole cars with chauffeurs. Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi Army flag? A: It's a white cross on a solid white background.