"Hey, Mom!" exclaimed the bride-to-be. "Lennie just passed his bar exam, now we can get married next week!" "Gee, I don't know," Mom replied hesitantly. "Don't you think you should wait until he has been practicing for a year or so?" "Oh, Mom!" retorted the bride to be with a blush. "We've BEEN practicing!" When Mr Smith was audited by the IRS, they took exception for certain claimed deductions. One was the birth of his daughter. "No, that deduction was for her. She was born in January." "So?" said the auditor. "That obviously," he continued, "was last year's business." Q: Have you heard about the "Tempura House"? A: It's a halfway house for lightly battered women. Q: What is the definition of a "virgin soldier" in the El Salvadoiran army? A: A soldier who has not raped a nun, yet. Q: What do you call one pervert too many? A: An extrovert. Q: What is the quickest way to become a millionaire? A: Become a plastic surgeon, then work part time. Q: What is the difference between an accordion player and brain surgery? A: You get an anesthetic for brain surgery. Q: How do you get a DeadHead off your front porch? A: You pay for the pizza. Q: What were the last words that Dodi Fayed said to his chauffeur? A: "I said I wanted to fuck Di in the tunnel, not fucking die in the tunnel." Q: What is the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund? A: Eventually, the mutual fund will mature and start making money. Q: What is the definition of the word "sadist"? A: A proctologist who stores his rectal thermometer in the refrigerator. Q: Why is the Catholic church now going to permit priests to get married? A: So they can find out what Hell is really like. Q: Did you hear about the blind skunk? A: For 50 minutes, he had a conversation with a fart. Q: How are men like blenders? A: Women need them, but they are not sure why. Q: How can a husband tell that his wife is cheating on him? A: When he buys a used car and finds his wife's dress in the backseat. Morris' wife of forty years passes away and the mortician asks him, "So, do you want her buried, embalmed, or cremated?" "Why take a chance. Do all three." Q: Why do men keep lying to their wives? A: Because they keep asking questions. Abe is approaching his fiftieth birthday with dread when his friend Sam says, "Don't worry, Abe. "You know what they say: Life begins at fifty." Abe says, "Yeah, but everything else starts to wear out, fall apart, or spread out." Q: What is another definition of "middle age"? A: When it starts taking longer to get rested than is does to get tired. Q: What is one definition of "middle age"? A: When work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. Q: What is the best way to live forever? A: Live modestly, gets lots of sleep, and lie about your age. Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. Q: What is the difference between "ooooh" and "aaaah"? A: For chicks, it's about three inches. Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A: New Age music. Q: How many female Country Western singers does it take to sing "Crazy"? A: All of them. Q: What do you call a turtle with a hardon? A: A slowpoke. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick falls off when you die. Q: What is a Tupac Shakur cocktail? A: Five shots and you're dead. Q: What was the only thing Michael Jackson hated about having sex? A: Getting the bubble gum off his dick. Q: What is the best thing about living next to a Hare Krishna? A: You get a free ride to the airport. Q: What do you call a DeadHead who just broke up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: How can you tell when a Deadhead has just burgled your house? A: All your thongs are missing. Q: What was Johnny Cockring's theory of jurisprudence? A: A man is innocent until proven broke. Q: What did Cher and a pine tree have in common? A: They both got nailed by Sonny Bono. Q: Did you hear about Crooked Hitlery's latest book? A: It was entitled: It Takes a Village...to Keep My Husband Satisfied. Q: What game did the Draft-dodging Slick Willie the Impeached Rapist most enjoy playing with Monica Lewinsky in the White House? A: Swallow the leader. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that the Draft-dodging Slick Willie the Impeached Rapist doesn't? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say to the Draft-dodging Slick Willie the Impeached Rapist? A: Why didn't you just drown the bitch. Q: How did the Draft-dodging Slick Willie the Impeached Rapist paralyze Crooked Hitlery from the waist down? A: He married her. Q: What are the five shortest books ever written? A1: My Plan to Find the Real Killer, by OJ Simpson. A2: Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette. A3: All the Men I've Loved Before, by Ellen Degenerate. A4: George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names. A5: LiberAl Gore: The Wild Years. Q: What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? A: 45 minutes. Q: What defines the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A: 30 pounds. Q: What should you do if both your wife and your lawyer were drowning? A: Have lunch and take in a movie. Q: Why didn't the man speak to his wife for eighteen straight months? A: He didn't want to interrupt her. Q: How are tornadoes and marriages alike? A: They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, but the end result is disastrous - you lose your house. Q: Did you hear they've discovered a new use for sheep in Wyoming? A: Wool. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nurery rhyme? A: Humpme, Dumpme. Q: What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked an entire plane filled with lawyers? A: He threatened to release one of them each hour until his demands were met. Q: What in an excellent place to find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks your blood at night. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline. Q: How do you prevent a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: What do you call a corrupt lawyer? A: Senator. Q: Why did the Italians lose World War 2? A: They ordered lasagna instead of shells. Q: What's brown and has holes in it? A: Swiss shit. Q: What is the most popular ride at a Mexican Carnival? A: Guess Your Age - One Dollar. Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish Santa Claus? A: He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve and says, "Ho, ho, ho! Anybody want to buy some toys?" Two little 6 year olds are playing, when the boy looks at the girl and says, "I'd sure like to get into your pants." "Why?" the little girl asked. "Is it because you think I'm cute?" "No, it's because I just shit mine." Q: What did the Polish girl do after she dropped her bubble gum in the toilet? A: She chewed the shit out of it. Q: What is the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A: One cuts it off and one sucks it off. Q: What did the Polish chick say to her husband when she got horny? A: "Dear why don't you send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so that we can fuck?" Q: What's the difference between a man and a woman? A: For a man, foreplay is optional. Q: What did one black lesbian say to the other black lesbian? A: "You da man!" Two guys were drinking in a bar, and one told the other, "So, I fucked my wife in the ass last night." "No shit?" responded his friend. "Well, maybe a little." Q: What do you call a female turtle? A: A clitortoise. Q: What is the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck. Q: What did the wife say to her stockbroker husband when he caught her cheating on him? A: "Sorry, Dear. I've gone public." Q: Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony? A: He kept getting in everyone's hair. Daffynition - SEX. The most beautiful and natural thing that money can buy. The teenager said to his date: "Do you know the difference between a conversation and fucking?" "No, I don't." the hot chick said. "Then take off your clothes and lie down on my bed. I want to talk to you." Q: For what good reason do Japanese sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A: So they won't be confused with lesbians. The Irish high school girl came home one day and announced, "Mom! I have VD!" "Well, Darlin'," her mother replied, "Ye'd best put it in the basement. Yer father will drink anything!" Q: What do Pepsi and pussy have in common? A: They each have a really bad aftertaste. Q: Why did the feminoid cross the road? A: To suck my fucking dick! Q: How are women like toilet seats? A: Without the hole in the middle, neither is worth a shit. Q: What does 80 year old pussy taste like? A: Depends. Q: What did the draft dodging Slick Willie (the impeached rapist) like most about Monica Lewinsky? A: She had the prettiest smile he ever came across. Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him to tell you which period it came from. Q: Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? A: His wife died. Q: How do you make five pounds of ugly fat look great? A: Put a nipple on it. A Polack is fucking his wife in the ass for the first time and she yells, "Ouch! That hurts!" "No, it doesn't! It feels great!" Q: Why do Italian chicks always spend so much time in the beauty parlor? A: The estimate alone take alone takes three hours. Q: What did the nun do when she got tired of candles? A: She hired an electrician. Q: How can you spot the redneck at Sea World? A: He's the one carrying a fishing pole. Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A: Their balls are just for show. Q: What is the epitome of an "optimist"? A: An accordion player with a beeper. Q: Why was the Japanese leper forced to commit suicide? A: Because he lost face. Q: What is the surest sign that a guy truly loves a chick? A: When he divorces his wife. Q: What explains why a man has a clear conscience? A: Because he never uses it. Q: What is the difference between attending a singles bar and attending a circus? A: In the circus, the clowns don't talk. Q: What do you call an all-Italian slum? A: A spaghetto. Q: Why did the turd cross the road? A: The chicken forgot to wipe his ass. Q: What proves that men with pierced earrings will make high- qualified husbands? A: They have already experienced great pain and have purchased jewelry. Q: What is the definition of marriage? A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done. Q: A guy walks up to a flashy chick and says to her, "Do you know how many animals had to die to give you that fur coat?" A: "Do you know how many animals I had to FUCK to earn this coat?" Q: What do a lawyer and a fag prostitute have in common? A: They both earn their livings fucking people in the ass. Q: How did the faggot burn his asshole? A: He forgot to blow out the candle. Q: What prompted the doctors to give the faggot with AIDS six more weeks to live? A: A gerbil came out of his ass and saw its own shadow. Q: How can you tell you are in a gay amusement park? A: They pass out gerbils in the Tunnel of Love. Q: What is a lesbian's favorite flavor of ice cream? A: Anchovy. Q: How do faggots like their eggs? A: Up their asses. My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? Irish Confession: I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." He replied, "You moron, you're sitting on my side." An Irishman's first drink with his son: While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it? By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home! Q: How do you know you're first date is going to be great? A: You ask her to dance and she strips and stands on the table. Q: Why couldn't the Polcack call 911? A: There was no 11 on his phone. Q: Why couldn't the Polcack call 911? A: There was no 11 on his phone. Q: How did the Polish skydiver die? A: He missed the Earth. Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget? A: A speck. Q: How is an ugly chick like a bedspread? A: They both get turned down every night. Q: What is sexual harassment? A: That's when you talk dirty to a chick. When a chick talks dirty to you, it's $9.95 a minute. Q: What is the definition of a sadist? A: A guy who rapes a deaf and dumb chick, then cuts off both her hands so she can't scream for help. Q: What do you call a fag with diarrhea? A: A juicy fruit. Q: What do you call a Polack who marries a black chick? A: A social climber. Customer to waiter: How do you prepare your chicken? Waiter to customer: Nothing fancy. We just tell them straight out that they're gonna die. Q: How about the new M&M condoms? A: They melt in your mouth. Q: Did you hear about the new Star Trek condoms? A: They boldly go where no man has come before. Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. After it burns out they follow it around for years. Q: What does Ellen Degenerate do every day at noon? A: Eats a box lunch. Q: What did the bumper sticker on Ellen Degenerates' car say? A: Save a tree; eat a beaver. Q: What is Ellen Degenerate's favorite flavor of ice cream? A: Anchovy. Q: Where did Michael Jackson go to find dates? A: Boys R Us. Q: How do we know that Ellen Degenerate is a dyke? A: She kick-starts her own vibrator and rolls her own tampons. Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were alive today? A: Scratching at her coffin lid. Q: Who taught Princess Di's chauffeur how to drive? A: Teddy Kennedy. Q: What does Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend say to her when he wants to have sex? A: How now, brown cow. Q: What happened to Jesse HiJackson when he looked up his family tree? A: A monkey pissed on him. Q: Why did Richard Gere have to check into a hospital? A: To have a mole removed. Q: What do you get when you put 50 monkeys in front of 50 typewriters? A: The entire working staff of the New York Times. Q: What is really old and moldy and writes mysteries? A: Agatha Crusty. Q: What did Jodie Foster say to Ellen Degenerate at the dyke bar? A: Your face or mine? Q: What did Jodie Foster say to Ellen Degenerate at the dyke bar? A: Your face or mine? Q: What is brown and hides in the attic? A: The Diarrhea of Anne Frank. Q: What do you call a Nazi who likes little rodents up his ass? A: Joseph Gerbils. Q: What was the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Di? A: Tiger Woods had a dependable driver. Q: Why did the leper lose at poker with Mother Teresa? A: Because he threw in his hand. Q: What was Princess Di's chauffeur drinking the night of her crash? A: Harvey Wallbangers. Q: Why did Princess Di hate chauffeurs? A: They drove her up a wall. Q: What was the last thing that Princess Di said to the paparazzi? A: Don't take my bloody picture! Q: What is the difference between Roseanne and the Hells Angels? A: The motorcycle. Q: What is the difference between Ellen Degenerate and a whoopee cushion? A: A whoopee cushion is a funny stunt. Q: How do we know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? A: Because he got shot in the temple. Q: What was the difference between Princess Di and an NFL team? A: The football team came out the tunnel on Sunday. Q: How did Princess Di stay so thin? A: She went on a crash diet. Q: What was Princess Di wearing the night of her accident? A: Crushed velvet. Q: From what did Princess Di really die? A: Carpool tunnel syndrome. Q: What happened to Princess Di when she stayed out past midnight? A: She turned into a concrete wall. Q: What did Princess Di and George Burns have in common? A: They both died when they hit 100. Q: What was the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A: One was the first one two walk on the moon and the other fucked little boys up the ass. Q: What is worse than having your doctor tell you you have AIDS? A: Having your mother tell you. Q: What does Good Humor sell in San Francisco? A: Cocksicles. Q: What is the difference between a bar and a clitoris? A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar. This man has been stranded on a deserted island for about ten years. Suddenly a beautiful, stacked redhead comes out of the surf, and says to him, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," he answered. She reached towards a fanny pack, which she unzipped, and pulled out a cigarette. The man lights it, takes a puff, and says, "Wow! That was good!" "How long has it been since you've had a shot of good whiskey?" She asked next. "Ten years," he answered. She reached towards her fanny pack, which she unzipped, and pulled out of bottle of Chivas Regal, and handed it to him. He opened it, took a swig, and said, "Wow! that was good!" She started to unzip the front of her wet suit and said, "How long has it been since you've had a tremendously good time?" "Holy SHIT!" he said, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs inside there, too?" Q: What do lesbians use for lubricant? A: Tartar sauce. Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was considering retirement? A: He decided to stick it out for another year. Q: What is 69 plus 69? A: Dinner for four. Q: Hear the one about the Eskimo chick who a one-night stand? A: When she woke up, she was six months pregnant. Q: What do you call it when you save up money for prostitution? A: A thrust fund. Q: What's the difference between a typical man and ET? A: ET phoned home. Q: What do you call a guy who wants to have sex on the second date? A: Slow. Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to childhood, men are always there. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick stops sucking your blood when you die. Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall new stamps with pictures of lawyers on them? A: Customers couldn't decide on which side to spit. Q: What is the lawyers creed? A: A man is innocent until proven broke. Q: Why surefire proof do you have that it is truly cold out? A: You see lawyers with their hands in their OWN pockets. Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh. Q: What is every man's idea of the ideal romantic setting? A: A candlelit football stadium. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don't men blink during foreplay? A: They don't have the time. Q: Why do men like to talk dirty? A: So they can later wash their mouths out with beer. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a porcupine? A: A lawyer has his pricks on the inside. Q: How do you kill pink elephant? A: Go on the wagon. Q: Where do cannibals prefer to shop for furniture? A: Eatin' Allen's. Q: When do cannibals leave the dinner table? A: When everyone's eaten. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite game? A: Swallow the leader. Q: What do you get at Jeffrey Dahmer's new restaurant? A: An arm and a leg. Q: What do you all it when Jeffrey Dahmer eats two politicians? A: A baloney sandwich. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer order at the Italian restaurant? A: A pizza with everyone on it. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer get when he came home late for dinner? A: A cold shoulder. Q: What can a bird do that a man can't? A: Whistle through his pecker. Q: What is the difference between a man and a lawnmower? A: The lawnmower doesn't bitch after it cuts the grass. Q: What is the difference between a man and a lawnmower? A: The lawnmower doesn't bitch after it cuts the grass. Q: What do you call a Polack with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What do you call in intelligent man in Poland? A: A tourist. Q: Did you hear about the Polack who watched "Sixty Minutes"? A: It took him an hour and a half. Q: How can a chick tell if she is way too fat? A: Her yearbook photo must be taken by helicopter. Q: Why does a black man have to buy two tickets to the zoo? A: One to get in, and one to get out. WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE NOT A KID ANY MORE: 1. You're dating a chick half your age and you're not breaking any laws. 2. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. 3. Your favorite cable station is the Weather Channel. 4. You actually make an appointment to see the dentist. 5. You have a party and the neighbors don't complain about the noise. Q: How can you tell that you are at a Mexican wedding? A: You get stabbed after you kiss the bride. Q: What did the Puerto Rican kid give his father for Christmas? A: An alibi. Q: What happened to the Polack when he jumped off the Empire State Building? A: He got lost. Q: Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? A: He worshipped Santa. Q: What happened when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton when he was jogging? A: It was a draft, so he successfully dodged it. Q: What is the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo? A: A Northern zoo posts the name of the animal and also its scientific name. A Southern zoo posts the name of the animal and its recipe. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: How are chicks and rocks alike? A: You skip the flat ones. Q: What do you call two lesbian skunks having sex? A: Odor eaters. Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? A: Because she was a woman. Q: How is the Italian Olympic swim team like the sinking of the Exxon Valdez? A: Both caused huge oil slicks. Q: What do you see when you look at the audience of the Grand Ole Opry? A: The same three genes. Q: What is the difference between a moral redneck and an immoral redneck? A: A moral redneck won't fuck his own daughter until she turns 13. Q: What is the one thing that all men in singles bars have in common? A: They're married. Q: Why do all birds flying over California fly upside down? A: Because the entire State is not worth shitting on. Q: How can you tell if a flasher is Polish? A: He is exposing himself outside a school for the blind. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? A: He went around saying, "Oy!" Q: What do you get when you cross a Polack with an American Indian? A: A boy named Running Dumb. Q: Why did the WASP couple do it Doggie style? A: So they could both watch Jeopardy. Q: What did the zen master say to the hotdog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. Q: How can you tell when a fur coat is being worn by a Polack? A: It has tire tread marks on it. Q: Why didn't Saddamy Insane go bar hopping? A: He could get bombed at home. Q: Which of these three doesn't belong? A dog, a horse, and a Polack. A: Polack. The other two pee outside, a Polack pees in the sink. Q: Did you hear about the KKK's new lynching rope? A: It's called Snare Jordan. Q: What did they find when they took down the Berlin Wall? A: The Polish national hide-and-seek-champion. Q: Did you hear about the new "SCUD" beer? A: You have to drink two dozen of them before it hits you. Q: Did you hear about the Polish prisoner who was found unconscious with 14 bumps on the top of his head? A: He tried to hang himself with a rubber band. Q: Who says, "First, second, third, home...First, second, third, home..." A: A Polish batter walking up to the plate. Q: What's the longest sporting even in history? A: The slam-dunk contest in an all-white high school. Q: Why do cowboys chew tobacco? A: To sweeten their breath. Q: How can you tell the Vietnamese entry in the Olympic sailing team? A: They have 478 people in one boat. Q: What do you call the Polish sky diving team? A: Air pollution. Q: Why don't Hawaiian chicks ever surf? A: They are afraid of getting harpooned. Q: What do you call a Vietnamese walking four dogs? A: A caterer. Q: All the famous WASPs are listed in Who's Who. Where are all the famous Polacks listed? A: Who? Q: What is the Italian diet? A: You clean your nails and you lose 20 pounds. Q: How is an Irishman like a houseplant? A: If he's not potted, he's dead. Q: How can you tell if a chick's boyfriend is Polish? A: From the bruises around her navel. Q: How do you keep an Italian kid busy for hours? A: Tell him to alphabetized an entire bag of M&Ms. Q: How do you drown a JAP? A: Glue a diamond to the bottom of her swimming pool. Q: How are postal employees like sperm cells? A: Only one in three million does any work. Q: How is a JAP like a miner? A: To get gold and diamonds, she has to work the shaft. Q: Why is the crew for a SCUD missile in Iran always made up of three men? A: One to load it, one to fire it, and one to run home and watch CNN to see where it lands. Q: What is the name of the new department store in Iran? A: Target. Q: What is the national bird of Iran? A: Duck. Q: What do White people's asses and lips have in common? A: They are both flat. Q: What is the quickest way to get 18 illegal aliens out of a Chevy pickup truck? A: Throw in a bar of soap. Q: What is the quickest way to get 18 illegal aliens into a Chevy pickup truck? A: Throw in a can of beans. Q: Have you seen the new ad for BMW in Ebony Magazine? A: It says, You already own the radio, now own the car. Q: What is the difference between a Harlem mother and a Scarsdale mother? A: The Scarsdale mother cannot wait until her daughter is old enough to walk; the Harlem mother cannot wait until her daughter is old enough to street walk. Q: What is the NYC Central Park Zoo? A: Where there are thick, strong bars around the lions, tigers, and bears...for THEIR protection. Q: What formerly made Michael Jackson feel nostalgic? A: Recalling the feeling of blowing his first nose. Q: What did Michael Jackson and paper napkins have in common? A: They both were dyed white. Q: How do you sleep like a politician? A: First you lie on one side, then you lie on the other. Q: Did you hear what caused the death of Woody Allen's latest lover? A: Crib death. Q: What is the biggest drawback for Woody Allen having an Asian lover? A: Half an hour after having sex, he's horny again. Q: What is the worst selling celebrity product of the year? A: Arnold Schwarzegger toilet paper - it's rough, tough, and doesn't take any shit off of anyone. Q: Did you hear that Buckwheat changed his name when he later became Muslim? A: He's now known as Kareem of Wheat. Q: What do you call a comedian whose shorts are too tight? A: Dickie Smothers. Q: If faggots get AIDS from butt fucking, how do LA Laker girls get AIDS? A: Magic. Q: What looks like a dog and has Wings? A: Linda McCartney. Q: What is Woody Allen's philosophy on child rearing? A: Spare the rod and spoil the child. Q: Did you hear about the new Magic Johnson porno flick? A: It's called Lethal Weapon 5. Q: When did Magic Johnson's wife first suspect he had an STD? A: When he began to dribble before he shot. Q: What was the difference between Teddy Kennedy and the Iraqi Army? A: Teddy Kennedy had at least one confirmed kill. Q: What do Fred Flintstone and South Central L A have in common? A: They both live next door to rubble. Q: Did you hear about the latest arrest of Rotney King? A: He was charged with impersonating a pinata. Q: What's the difference between PeeWee Herman and Rotney King? A: PeeWee Harman beats himself. Q: What did Pee Wee Herman say when the judge asked him if he wanted a lawyer? A: "No thanks, I can get myself off." Q: What is Pee Wee Herman's favorite restaurant? A: The Palm. Q: Did you hear about the new Pee Wee Herman movie? A: It's coming in a theater near you. Q: Why did ET so desperately want to phone home? A: His girlfriend's name was EZ. Q: Did you hear about the last re-election slogan for Teddy Kennedy? A: "A blonde in every pond." Q: Did you hear about the new mens' magazine for Evangelicals? A: It's called RePenthouse. Q: What is the most time-consuming part of having sex with Oprah Winfrey? A: Setting up all the on- and off-ramps. Q: What is the best place for Dolly Parton to hide things from her husband? A: On her forehead. Q: What do you get when you cross a Kennedy with a Jew? A: An alcoholic who buys his booze wholesale. Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ears? A: Answering the stapler. Q: What was the first question Helen Keller asked her teacher when she learned hoe to communicate? A: "Are your tits bigger than mine?" Q: What proof do we have that Cinderella was a virgin? A: She always ran away from a ball. Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? A: Oscillate her tits a lot. Q: What can a duck do that a goose can't and a doctor should? A: Stick a bill up his ass. Q: What animal wears the biggest sized bra? A: A Zebra. Q: What do you call two skunks doing "69" ? A: Odor eaters. Q: How does an elephant get off on an oak tree? A: He hits on an acorn and then waits. Q: What is a good clue that your husband hates cats? A: He fills the litter box with quick-drying cement. Q: What is the biggest difference between a fly and a mosquito? A: You can't unzip a mosquito. Q: What has claws, whisker, fur, and a tail, and sees equally well from either end? A: A blind cat. A guy walks into the veterinarian and says, "Hey, Doc. I would like to cut off my pet Lab's tail." "Dude! That's cruel. Why on God's green earth would you want to do that?" "Well, my Mother-in-law is coming over tonight to stay with me, and I don't want there to be an outside chance she will feel welcome." So, a guy calls up his next door neighbor, and says, "I just got a new pitbull and wonder if your kids would like to come over and play with it." "I don't know, Hal. I heard that pitbulls are dangerous. Don't they bite?" "I don't know. That's what I want to find out." Q: What did the Russian call his pet rodent? A: Comrat. Q: Why was the magician late for his stage show? A: He washed his hare, and couldn't do a thing with it. Q: What kind of snake joined the Canadian Police Force? A: Mountie Python. Q: What kind of snake likes mustard and ketchup? A: An anacondiment. Q: What do you call a snake that squeezes Miss Derek to death? A: A Bo constrictor. Q: What do you call a well-behaved snake? A: A civil serpent. Q: What is a good way to tell that you are getting REALLY old? A: Your wife trusts you. Q: What do you call a promiscuous nun? A: A roamin' Catholic. Q: What has four legs, is green and furry, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree? A: A pool table. A woman sued her doctor for failing to diagnose a serious kidney ailment. Her friend asked her, "So, Mary, what can you say about the outcome of that?" "Well, Helen, there was some good news and some bed news." "What were the good news and the bad news?" "The good news is that I got a free kidney transplant out of the deal. The bad news is that it cost me an arm and a leg." Q: Why did the lawyer pick 12 black men to serve on the jury? A: He wanted to have a hung jury. Q: How can you tell when you really ARE getting old? A: When life insurance salesmen stop calling. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer in the courtroom and a corpse in the courtroom? A: One just lies there, and the other just lies, there. Q: What's the difference between butt-fucking and golf? A: In golf, one bad hole won't kill you. Q: What did the pyromaniac do when he got convicted at trial? A: He fired his lawyer. Q: Did you hear the one about the nun who became a hooker? A: She'd still suck you off, out of habit. Q: What is a Catholic priest favorite dish? A: Cream of altar boy. Q: Why are Catholic priests so opposed to abortion? A: So there will be more little boys to molest. I too was once a male trapped in a female’s body...but them I was born. Q: How can you tell your priest is gay? A: When he substitutes a hot dog for the Host. Q: Why are dead babies from Chernobyl so much in demand? A: Because they also make such great flashlights. Q: Why did the cannibals in a deal with the abortion clinic? A: Because a fetus makes great hors d'oeuvre. Q: What do you do with dead baby twins? A: Use one to swat the flies gathering on the other. Q: What do you do when your baby dies on Thanksgiving? A: Stuff the turkey with it. Q: What do you have when you strap dead babies to your feet? A: Slippers. Q: What do you call a dead baby on a Cadillac? A: A hood ornament. Q: How can you tell if the crooks who burgled your house were gay? A: You come home and find all your furniture tastefully re-arranged. Q: What do Dr Spock and a pedophile have in common? A: They're both experts in child rearing. Q: What is the best way for a faggot to avoid AIDS? A: Sit down and shut up. Q: Why is the word "butt" the most lethal word in the English language? A: If you either smoke 'em or poke 'em, you'll end up dead. Q: What epitaph did the family put on their gay son's headstone? A: Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust. If he's stuck to pussy, He'd still be with us. Q: Did you hear about the new gay adventure film? A: It's called "Rambutt." Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She forgot and had sex with guys, occasionally. Q: How can you tell if a chick is a dyke? A: She uses SOS pads instead of kotex. Q: Why do gay Puerto Ricans make such terrible basketball players? A: They are poor team players; they prefer only to play Juan-on-Juan. Q: Why did the faggot get thrown out of West Point? A: For switching Majors. Q: Why are faggots such a terrible idea for composing members of the Air Force? A: Too many tail gunners, not enough pilots. Q: Did you hear about the new Army unit made entirely out of faggots? A: They are called the Pink Berets, and their mission is to infiltrate the enemies' rear areas. Two friends were comparing woes. One said, "Last week was the worst week of my life. I took my wife to Florida for a vacation. It rained all week, and she stayed in stores and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on my credit card. "Then, when I got back, my brother-in-law had embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from my business. "The next day, I walked into my office and found my son brutally fucking my best model on my desk." The other friend replied, "Last week was the worst week of my life. I took my wife to Florida for a vacation. It rained all week, and she stayed in stores and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on my credit card. "Then, when I got back, my brother-in-law had embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from my business. "The next day, I walked into my office and found my son brutally fucking my best model on my desk." "Just how is that in ANY way different from my worst week?" "Because YOUR business is photography. MINE is manufacturing men's underwear." Q: What proves that sex nowadays is dangerous? A: It's safer to skip straight to the cigarette. A handsome college student's car breaks down in a slum, so he gets out to thumb a ride. A middle-aged man drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he answered. He gets a middle finger and a drive off. A middle-aged woman drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he again answers. He gets another middle finger and another drive off. Pretty soon a hot chick drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he answers, having learned his lesson about the neighborhood. As the stacked hot chick drives her convertible down the road, the wind blows her blouse open, revealing her boobs which are every bit as beautiful as they are big. "Stop the car! Stop the car!" he yells. "What's wrong?" she understandably asks. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" Q: How can you tell if your wife is getting too fat? A: Every time she jumps into the swimming pool, she gives your car a wash. Q: How can you tell if your wife is getting too fat? A: You plan a candlelight dinner and have to sell your car to pay for all the food. Q: How can you tell when your wife is getting too fat? A: She's got so many rolls, you have to use a bookmark to find her pussy. Q: How can you tell that your wife is getting too fat? A: When she goes to Sea World, Shamu gets a hardon. Q: What can a chick do to interest her husband into performing oral sex? A: Douche with beer. Q: What can a chick do to force her husband to do sit-ups? A: Put the TV remote between his toes. Q: What should a chick do to find out what life is like without a man around? A: Get married. So the player spies a hot chick inside a bar and announces to his two pals, "Watch the master at work, men!" He then proceeds to walk up to her, and says, "Hey, good-lookin', haven't I seen you before?" "As a matter of fact, you have." "So, how do I know you?" he asks, taken aback by her unexpected response. "I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." Q: What is an excellent clue that your wife is way too fat? A: She falls asleep next to the ocean and six lifeguards run up and try to roll her back out to sea. Q: What is the only thing that allows a married woman to have a sex life? A: Half time. Q: Define the difference between a husband and a lawyer. A: The same as the difference between ten minutes and whole hour. Q: What are three miracles? A: The parting of the Red Sea, water turned into wine, and your wife saying, "Would you like a blowjob?" Q: Hear about the vacuum manufacturer that came with a vibrating attachment? A: It is called Electro-Fucks. Q: How did the whole squadron of Navy pilots come down simultaneously with VD? A: They all made a landing on the same carrier. Q: How can you tell if your wife is truly ugly? A: She is sunbathing naked on the beach when a gang of Hells Angels rides up, surrounds her, and gang-dresses her. Q: What compliment can you pay to a chick who has no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Q: What kind of fur would your mother-in-law look best in? A: Pit bull. Q: What is the least sensitive part of the penis? A: The man. Q: What is the difference between a man and a cat? A: One is a finicky eater that couldn't care less if you lived or died; the other is merely a house pet. Q: How can a chick tell if her date is a real loser? A: When his hobby is collecting dust. Q: Why are the Japanese as a race so smart? A: No blondes. Q: How do you compel a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the golfer have such a terrible sex life? A: It was his short putts. Q: Did you hear about the divorce lawyer whose services were guaranteed? A: "You must be satisfied, or you get your honey back." Q: What's the definition of a wet dream? A: Coming unscrewed. Q: Why is the new contraceptive sponge such a good idea? A: Because after sex, the chick can get up and wash the dishes. Q: What do a nympho and a shotgun have in common? A: One cock and they're ready to blow? Q: What is a Tempura House? A: A house for highly battered women. Q: Did you hear about the new home surgery kit? A: It's called Suture Self. Q: What's the primary difference between a tree and a leper? A: A tree has limbs. Q: Why shouldn't a little girl ever ask a man for a soda? A: Because he might make her cherry pop. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to one of his friends when he asked for a beer? A: "That'll cost you an arm and a leg." Q: How did the police know that Jeffrey Dahmer killed one man in his shower? A: They found his head and shoulders. Q: What could be found in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator? A: Ground Chuck. Q: What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite food? A: Finger sandwiches. Q: How did Jeffrey Dahmer get away with murder for so long? A: Because he had a lot of balls. Q: How do you get double protection? A: Buy a pitbull with AIDS. After years of marriage, the WASP was finally persuaded to have a baby. Ten months later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She spent three more months on bed rest. Then, at the suggestion of her husband, she took the baby to the zoo to look at the animals. As they walked past the gorilla cage, the adult gorilla reached out, grabbed the baby, and ate her. A policeman soon arrived and tried to comfort the WASP by saying, "It's OK, lady. You and your husband can always have another kid." "Like Hell!" yelled the wife. You think I haven't got anything better to do than make babies and feed the gorillas? Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a pit bull? A: Your last blowjob, ever. Q: What music do they play at a skydiver's funeral? A: A RIP chord. Q: What was the name of the skydiver whose 'chute didn't open? A: Spot. Q: Why did the little girl stuff a rabbit into her vag? A: She wanted pubic hare. Q: What is a larger dose called? A: Genecider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What is the golden shower enthusiast's favorite movie? A: Flushdance. Q: Why are golden shower enthusiasts proud to be called "perverts"? A: Because the word "pervert" begins with "pee..." Q: Why did the golden shower enthusiast make his girlfriend dress up like a fairy? A: So he could call her Tinkle Bell. Q: What's the definition of "panic"? A: When you are on an airliner just lifting off and the pilot announces on the PA, "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking, and my name is Mohammed..." Q: How can you tell that you are flying on Puerto Rican airlines? A: When you reach your destination you have to steal back your own luggage. Q: How can you tell if you're flying Vatican Airlines? A: The emergency escape instructions are printed in Latin so that Catholics can get out first. Q: Did you hear about the Polack who drowned inside his own home? A: He was constipated, and the doctor gave him a powerful laxative and told him to stay in bed. A man came home from work early and found his wife in bed, naked, and next to her was a cigar butt in the ashtray. "Where did THAT come from?" he exclaimed. "From Cuba!" said the stupid naked Polack who popped out of the closet. Q: How can you tell you are in a Jewish mother's house? A: There is even a safety mat in the bird bath. Q: What is a sure test of authenticity in a Polish girl? A: When a mosquito bites her, he vomits. Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier with a medal? A: A thief. Q: What is the difference between a Polack and a turd? A: The color . Q: Why are golfers such terrible lovers? A: Because they can't get used to the fact that the hole is in the middle of the rough. Q: Why wouldn't the nudist team join the baseball league? A: They only would play in exhibition games. Q: What should you do if ever you get attacked by an Iranian tank? A: Shoot the guys pushing it. Q: Did you hear about the new Iranian laxative? A: Every time they hear a US plane, they shit. Q: Did you hear about the new Israeli Army doll for girls? A: It's called G I JAP. Q: What's the difference between an American Airlines plane and a Mexican Airlines one? A: On the American Airlines, the steward offers you a drink for $5. On the Mexican Airlines plane, the steward offers you his sister for $5. Q: What kind of dress does an Italian woman wear that looks authentic? A: One with wine stains in front and shit stains in back. Q: What is the definition of a premature baby in Harlem? A: ONe who is born before the mother becomes addicted to crack. Q: What's different about the Warsaw stadium? A: The artificial turf died. Q: Did you hear how the Klansman who was a bedwetter addressed that problem? A: He attended meetings in a rubber sheet. Q: Why won't they let Puerto Ricans pilot the Stealth bombers? A: Because they always squeal the tires, honk the horn, and play the radio too loudly. Q: Why did the Scotsman take up golf after nearly ten years away? A: He found his missing ball. Q: Did you hear about the Italian girl who nearly died from ballet? A: The first time she did a pirouette, the hair in her armpits nearly strangled her. Q: Did you hear the one about the Jewish bandit who walked into a department store with a pricing gun? A: He yelled, "Give me all your money, or I'll mark down the price on every item in the place!" Q: Did you hear the one about the Polish prankster? A: He walked into a fire and yelled, "Theater!" Q: What is the difference between a redneck wedding and an urban wedding? A: The redneck wedding is never consummated until the bride is weaned. Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who visited his folks at home? A: Just to make him feel at home, they bombed his bedroom. Q: Did your hear about the first "beautiful body" contest they held in Moscow? A: The winner was a phone booth. Q: How does an Italian chick shave her armpits? A: She uses up two fresh razor blades, then dynamites the stumps. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish helicopter? A: The pilot's chair is an ejection seat. Q: Did you hear about the Puerto Rican who called the Suicide Hotline for help? A: They sent two guys over to shoot him. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish smoke detector? A: It comes with a snooze alarm. Q: Did you hear about the Beverly Hills juvenile delinquent? A: He was too young to drive, so only stole cars with chauffeurs. Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi Army flag? A: It's a white cross on a solid white background.