Q: Did you hear about the last re-election slogan for Teddy Kennedy? A: "A blonde in every pond." Q: Did you hear about the new mens' magazine for Evangelicals? A: It's called RePenthouse. Q: What is the most time-consuming part of having sex with Oprah Winfrey? A: Setting up all the on- and off-ramps. Q: What is the best place for Dolly Parton to hide things from her husband? A: On her forehead. Q: What do you get when you cross a Kennedy with a Jew? A: An alcoholic who buys his booze wholesale. Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ears? A: Answering the stapler. Q: What was the first question Helen Keller asked her teacher when she learned hoe to communicate? A: "Are your tits bigger than mine?" Q: What proof do we have that Cinderella was a virgin? A: She always ran away from a ball. Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? A: Oscillate her tits a lot. Q: What can a duck do that a goose can't and a doctor should? A: Stick a bill up his ass. Q: What animal wears the biggest sized bra? A: A Zebra. Q: What do you call two skunks doing "69" ? A: Odor eaters. Q: How does an elephant get off on an oak tree? A: He hits on an acorn and then waits. Q: What is a good clue that your husband hates cats? A: He fills the litter box with quick-drying cement. Q: What is the biggest difference between a fly and a mosquito? A: You can't unzip a mosquito. Q: What has claws, whisker, fur, and a tail, and sees equally well from either end? A: A blind cat. A guy walks into the veterinarian and says, "Hey, Doc. I would like to cut off my pet Lab's tail." "Dude! That's cruel. Why on God's green earth would you want to do that?" "Well, my Mother-in-law is coming over tonight to stay with me, and I don't want there to be an outside chance she will feel welcome." So, a guy calls up his next door neighbor, and says, "I just got a new pitbull and wonder if your kids would like to come over and play with it." "I don't know, Hal. I heard that pitbulls are dangerous. Don't they bite?" "I don't know. That's what I want to find out." Q: What did the Russian call his pet rodent? A: Comrat. Q: Why was the magician late for his stage show? A: He washed his hare, and couldn't do a thing with it. Q: What kind of snake joined the Canadian Police Force? A: Mountie Python. Q: What kind of snake likes mustard and ketchup? A: An anacondiment. Q: What do you call a snake that squeezes Miss Derek to death? A: A Bo constrictor. Q: What do you call a well-behaved snake? A: A civil serpent. Q: What is a good way to tell that you are getting REALLY old? A: Your wife trusts you. Q: What do you call a promiscuous nun? A: A roamin' Catholic. Q: What has four legs, is green and furry, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree? A: A pool table. A woman sued her doctor for failing to diagnose a serious kidney ailment. Her friend asked her, "So, Mary, what can you say about the outcome of that?" "Well, Helen, there was some good news and some bed news." "What were the good news and the bad news?" "The good news is that I got a free kidney transplant out of the deal. The bad news is that it cost me an arm and a leg." Q: Why did the lawyer pick 12 black men to serve on the jury? A: He wanted to have a hung jury. Q: How can you tell when you really ARE getting old? A: When life insurance salesmen stop calling. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer in the courtroom and a corpse in the courtroom? A: One just lies there, and the other just lies, there. Q: What's the difference between butt-fucking and golf? A: In golf, one bad hole won't kill you. Q: What did the pyromaniac do when he got convicted at trial? A: He fired his lawyer. Q: Did you hear the one about the nun who became a hooker? A: She'd still suck you off, out of habit. Q: What is a Catholic priest favorite dish? A: Cream of altar boy. Q: Why are Catholic priests so opposed to abortion? A: So there will be more little boys to molest. I too was once a male trapped in a female’s body...but them I was born. Q: How can you tell your priest is gay? A: When he substitutes a hot dog for the Host. Q: Why are dead babies from Chernobyl so much in demand? A: Because they also make such great flashlights. Q: Why did the cannibals in a deal with the abortion clinic? A: Because a fetus makes great hors d'oeuvre. Q: What do you do with dead baby twins? A: Use one to swat the flies gathering on the other. Q: What do you do when your baby dies on Thanksgiving? A: Stuff the turkey with it. Q: What do you have when you strap dead babies to your feet? A: Slippers. Q: What do you call a dead baby on a Cadillac? A: A hood ornament. Q: How can you tell if the crooks who burgled your house were gay? A: You come home and find all your furniture tastefully re-arranged. Q: What do Dr Spock and a pedophile have in common? A: They're both experts in child rearing. Q: What is the best way for a faggot to avoid AIDS? A: Sit down and shut up. Q: Why is the word "butt" the most lethal word in the English language? A: If you either smoke 'em or poke 'em, you'll end up dead. Q: What epitaph did the family put on their gay son's headstone? A: Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust. If he's stuck to pussy, He'd still be with us. Q: Did you hear about the new gay adventure film? A: It's called "Rambutt." Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She forgot and had sex with guys, occasionally. Q: How can you tell if a chick is a dyke? A: She uses SOS pads instead of kotex. Q: Why do gay Puerto Ricans make such terrible basketball players? A: They are poor team players; they prefer only to play Juan-on-Juan. Q: Why did the faggot get thrown out of West Point? A: For switching Majors. Q: Why are faggots such a terrible idea for composing members of the Air Force? A: Too many tail gunners, not enough pilots. Q: Did you hear about the new Army unit made entirely out of faggots? A: They are called the Pink Berets, and their mission is to infiltrate the enemies' rear areas. Two friends were comparing woes. One said, "Last week was the worst week of my life. I took my wife to Florida for a vacation. It rained all week, and she stayed in stores and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on my credit card. "Then, when I got back, my brother-in-law had embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from my business. "The next day, I walked into my office and found my son brutally fucking my best model on my desk." The other friend replied, "Last week was the worst week of my life. I took my wife to Florida for a vacation. It rained all week, and she stayed in stores and ran up thousands of dollars in charges on my credit card. "Then, when I got back, my brother-in-law had embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from my business. "The next day, I walked into my office and found my son brutally fucking my best model on my desk." "Just how is that in ANY way different from my worst week?" "Because YOUR business is photography. MINE is manufacturing men's underwear." Q: What proves that sex nowadays is dangerous? A: It's safer to skip straight to the cigarette. A handsome college student's car breaks down in a slum, so he gets out to thumb a ride. A middle-aged man drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he answered. He gets a middle finger and a drive off. A middle-aged woman drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he again answers. He gets another middle finger and another drive off. Pretty soon a hot chick drives up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "I am a Democrat," he answers, having learned his lesson about the neighborhood. As the stacked hot chick drives her convertible down the road, the wind blows her blouse open, revealing her boobs which are every bit as beautiful as they are big. "Stop the car! Stop the car!" he yells. "What's wrong?" she understandably asks. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" Q: How can you tell if your wife is getting too fat? A: Every time she jumps into the swimming pool, she gives your car a wash. Q: How can you tell if your wife is getting too fat? A: You plan a candlelight dinner and have to sell your car to pay for all the food. Q: How can you tell when your wife is getting too fat? A: She's got so many rolls, you have to use a bookmark to find her pussy. Q: How can you tell that your wife is getting too fat? A: When she goes to Sea World, Shamu gets a hardon. Q: What can a chick do to interest her husband into performing oral sex? A: Douche with beer. Q: What can a chick do to force her husband to do sit-ups? A: Put the TV remote between his toes. Q: What should a chick do to find out what life is like without a man around? A: Get married. So the player spies a hot chick inside a bar and announces to his two pals, "Watch the master at work, men!" He then proceeds to walk up to her, and says, "Hey, good-lookin', haven't I seen you before?" "As a matter of fact, you have." "So, how do I know you?" he asks, taken aback by her unexpected response. "I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." Q: What is an excellent clue that your wife is way too fat? A: She falls asleep next to the ocean and six lifeguards run up and try to roll her back out to sea. Q: What is the only thing that allows a married woman to have a sex life? A: Half time. Q: Define the difference between a husband and a lawyer. A: The same as the difference between ten minutes and whole hour. Q: What are three miracles? A: The parting of the Red Sea, water turned into wine, and your wife saying, "Would you like a blowjob?" Q: Hear about the vacuum manufacturer that came with a vibrating attachment? A: It is called Electro-Fucks. Q: How did the whole squadron of Navy pilots come down simultaneously with VD? A: They all made a landing on the same carrier. Q: How can you tell if your wife is truly ugly? A: She is sunbathing naked on the beach when a gang of Hells Angels rides up, surrounds her, and gang-dresses her. Q: What compliment can you pay to a chick who has no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Q: What kind of fur would your mother-in-law look best in? A: Pit bull. Q: What is the least sensitive part of the penis? A: The man. Q: What is the difference between a man and a cat? A: One is a finicky eater that couldn't care less if you lived or died; the other is merely a house pet. Q: How can a chick tell if her date is a real loser? A: When his hobby is collecting dust. Q: Why are the Japanese as a race so smart? A: No blondes. Q: How do you compel a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the golfer have such a terrible sex life? A: It was his short putts. Q: Did you hear about the divorce lawyer whose services were guaranteed? A: "You must be satisfied, or you get your honey back." Q: What's the definition of a wet dream? A: Coming unscrewed. Q: Why is the new contraceptive sponge such a good idea? A: Because after sex, the chick can get up and wash the dishes. Q: What do a nympho and a shotgun have in common? A: One cock and they're ready to blow? Q: What is a Tempura House? A: A house for highly battered women. Q: Did you hear about the new home surgery kit? A: It's called Suture Self. Q: What's the primary difference between a tree and a leper? A: A tree has limbs. Q: Why shouldn't a little girl ever ask a man for a soda? A: Because he might make her cherry pop. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to one of his friends when he asked for a beer? A: "That'll cost you an arm and a leg." Q: How did the police know that Jeffrey Dahmer killed one man in his shower? A: They found his head and shoulders. Q: What could be found in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator? A: Ground Chuck. Q: What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite food? A: Finger sandwiches. Q: How did Jeffrey Dahmer get away with murder for so long? A: Because he had a lot of balls. Q: How do you get double protection? A: Buy a pitbull with AIDS. After years of marriage, the WASP was finally persuaded to have a baby. Ten months later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She spent three more months on bed rest. Then, at the suggestion of her husband, she took the baby to the zoo to look at the animals. As they walked past the gorilla cage, the adult gorilla reached out, grabbed the baby, and ate her. A policeman soon arrived and tried to comfort the WASP by saying, "It's OK, lady. You and your husband can always have another kid." "Like Hell!" yelled the wife. You think I haven't got anything better to do than make babies and feed the gorillas? Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a pit bull? A: Your last blowjob, ever. Q: What music do they play at a skydiver's funeral? A: A RIP chord. Q: What was the name of the skydiver whose 'chute didn't open? A: Spot. Q: Why did the little girl stuff a rabbit into her vag? A: She wanted pubic hare. Q: What is a larger dose called? A: Genecider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What you call apple juice laced with cyanide? A: Suicider. Q: What is the golden shower enthusiast's favorite movie? A: Flushdance. Q: Why are golden shower enthusiasts proud to be called "perverts"? A: Because the word "pervert" begins with "pee..." Q: Why did the golden shower enthusiast make his girlfriend dress up like a fairy? A: So he could call her Tinkle Bell. Q: What's the definition of "panic"? A: When you are on an airliner just lifting off and the pilot announces on the PA, "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking, and my name is Mohammed..." Q: How can you tell that you are flying on Puerto Rican airlines? A: When you reach your destination you have to steal back your own luggage. Q: How can you tell if you're flying Vatican Airlines? A: The emergency escape instructions are printed in Latin so that Catholics can get out first. Q: Did you hear about the Polack who drowned inside his own home? A: He was constipated, and the doctor gave him a powerful laxative and told him to stay in bed. A man came home from work early and found his wife in bed, naked, and next to her was a cigar butt in the ashtray. "Where did THAT come from?" he exclaimed. "From Cuba!" said the stupid naked Polack who popped out of the closet. Q: How can you tell you are in a Jewish mother's house? A: There is even a safety mat in the bird bath. Q: What is a sure test of authenticity in a Polish girl? A: When a mosquito bites her, he vomits. Q: What do you call an Iraqi soldier with a medal? A: A thief. Q: What is the difference between a Polack and a turd? A: The color . Q: Why are golfers such terrible lovers? A: Because they can't get used to the fact that the hole is in the middle of the rough. Q: Why wouldn't the nudist team join the baseball league? A: They only would play in exhibition games. Q: What should you do if ever you get attacked by an Iranian tank? A: Shoot the guys pushing it. Q: Did you hear about the new Iranian laxative? A: Every time they hear a US plane, they shit. Q: Did you hear about the new Israeli Army doll for girls? A: It's called G I JAP. Q: What's the difference between an American Airlines plane and a Mexican Airlines one? A: On the American Airlines, the steward offers you a drink for $5. On the Mexican Airlines plane, the steward offers you his sister for $5. Q: What kind of dress does an Italian woman wear that looks authentic? A: One with wine stains in front and shit stains in back. Q: What is the definition of a premature baby in Harlem? A: ONe who is born before the mother becomes addicted to crack. Q: What's different about the Warsaw stadium? A: The artificial turf died. Q: Did you hear how the Klansman who was a bedwetter addressed that problem? A: He attended meetings in a rubber sheet. Q: Why won't they let Puerto Ricans pilot the Stealth bombers? A: Because they always squeal the tires, honk the horn, and play the radio too loudly. Q: Why did the Scotsman take up golf after nearly ten years away? A: He found his missing ball. Q: Did you hear about the Italian girl who nearly died from ballet? A: The first time she did a pirouette, the hair in her armpits nearly strangled her. Q: Did you hear the one about the Jewish bandit who walked into a department store with a pricing gun? A: He yelled, "Give me all your money, or I'll mark down the price on every item in the place!" Q: Did you hear the one about the Polish prankster? A: He walked into a fire and yelled, "Theater!" Q: What is the difference between a redneck wedding and an urban wedding? A: The redneck wedding is never consummated until the bride is weaned. Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who visited his folks at home? A: Just to make him feel at home, they bombed his bedroom. Q: Did your hear about the first "beautiful body" contest they held in Moscow? A: The winner was a phone booth. Q: How does an Italian chick shave her armpits? A: She uses up two fresh razor blades, then dynamites the stumps. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish helicopter? A: The pilot's chair is an ejection seat. Q: Did you hear about the Puerto Rican who called the Suicide Hotline for help? A: They sent two guys over to shoot him. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish smoke detector? A: It comes with a snooze alarm. Q: Did you hear about the Beverly Hills juvenile delinquent? A: He was too young to drive, so only stole cars with chauffeurs. Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi Army flag? A: It's a white cross on a solid white background.