Q: What's the worst thing a 6 year old girl could tell you after you've fucked her? A: I've had better. Q: And the most heartbreaking? A: I've had bigger! Q:  Why don't men know the meaning of fear? A:  They only know one four-letter word beginning with "F." Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll? A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin. Q: What is the best part of marrying a chick with leprosy? A: She can only give you lip once.   Q: What's small, green, and falls apart? A: A leperchaun. When I asked her to the prom she just looked at me and giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she would bear my children she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when I realized she was a fucking retard. A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad fucking for all they were worth. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It’s OK," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW." Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He was getting into everybody’s hair. Q: What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it? A: Strip Poker. Q: Moms have Mother’s Day, Fathers have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts. Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial "transsexuals"? A: On cartons of half-and-half. Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed, Little Bo Peep was giving him head. As soon as he came, she started to weep - She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep. John is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the rise and fucks six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change females every time." Q: What's green and melts in her mouth? A: A leper's cock. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. A blonde chick strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"  The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered,  "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?" John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself even more attracted to the hot blonde. After some really passionate caressing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to my fucking your brains out?" "That is something I've never done before," his date replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!" A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said 'goats'." LiberAl Gore to masseuse: "Say babe, I'll throw in another $100 if you'll sequester my emissions!" LiberAl Gore to masseuse: "Say babe, have you read my book: 'An Inconvenient Grope'?" Q: Why are the target silhouettes used by Arizona State Troopers necessarily wider than those used by every other law enforcement agency in these US? A: Sombreros. Q: How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out. Q: What's green and sits in a wheelchair? A: A moldy spastic. Q: What is the difference between a midget and a freak? A: Political "correctness." Q: What's the best part of marrying a chick with leprosy? A: She can only give you lip once. I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate lovemaking with her. Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head...so I shot her. Ya gotta love the Marines! This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny, naked hot chick lying in bed right next to you?" He replied, "Don't worry, honey I'd stay faithful!" Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later. Q: Why did God invent football? A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives. Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives great head? A: Partially disabled. LiberAl Gore pickup line - "Hey, baby, want to massage some old growth?" Q: What's charred and stands between two sticks? A: A burnt cripple. Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there were a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction. "Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland ? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree at Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked. "Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied. "Then where in the flying fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that 'crude' horseshit?" Q: Why did LiberAl Gore sexually assault his masseuse in Portland? A: He was tired of Clinton getting all the good press coverage. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Did you hear about the new blonde doll? A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. Q: What is the difference between blondes and hookers ? A: Blondes cost less per score. Q: How are a blonde and a bowling ball alike? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. A guy gets on a bus and sits in the front seat. He spits on the floor and says, "FUCK! What a driver!" After he does this a few times, the driver orders him off the bus. Another guy gets off at the same time. The guy spits on the sidewalk and says, "FUCK! What a driver!" The second guy says, "I didn't think that guy was a bad driver. What's your problem with him?" He says, "I wasn't talking about the bus driver. When I was walking to the bus stop I saw a really fat hideous broad trying to park a pink 1979 Cadillac Eldorado convertible in a space that was about a foot longer than the car. I yelled at her 'Lady, if you can get that car into that space, I'll eat your snatch.' Ptui! Fuck! What a driver!" How to stop the Gulf Oil Leak Every married man alive has known the secret for years: Put a wedding band around the well, and it instantly stops putting out. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their panties. Q: What is a girl scout knife? A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment. Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding? A: Puffed rice. Q: What do you call a hot chick in England? A: Tourist. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. "*Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Hillbilly Pick-up Lines*"* * **brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in. 3) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em. 5) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 6) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 7) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 8) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til noon. *AND.. the best for last! 9) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up. Q: What do a 7-11 and long-married sex have in common? A: Neither is anything to get excited about, but what else is open at 3 in the morning? Q: Why are blondes like pianos? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand. Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job. Interviewer : Name? Tarzan : Me, Tarzan. Interviewer : Married? Tarzan : Wife, Jane. Interviewer : Children? Tarzan : Son, Boy. Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? Tarzan : Tarzan, King of the Jungle Interviewer : Jane's Whole Name? Tarzan : Jane's Hole named Pussy. A young chick who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, Wife comes home to find the old man fucking their dog in the front room. "My God, Henry," she screams, "I know you've had other women, but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck." A cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife lying in the bed reading a book looks up and responds, "If you weren't such an idiot you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." "How many calories are in sperm?" "Why?" he replied. She explained how she loved to swallow guys' cum. After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, then no guys are going to care how much of a porker you are!" Today's Important Lesson: Never piss off a woman who can operate a backhoe. The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with a hugest cock in the most massively erect state she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the "stiff" and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her lascivious behavior. "What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I'm on my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants to see you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "I was," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion." A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to murder your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different...You didn't tell me you had a prescription." What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Bob and his wife Annie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched Annie's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Bob's life of celibacy. Ramona said, "My, but you look different today," to Marianne, a coworker at the hospital. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?" "No!" replied Marianne. "My vibrator shorted out this morning." Little Johnny and Little Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to play. Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's room. "Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers, clowns, or elephants," Little Tommy complained. Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard some high school boys say your hot sister was a three-ring circus." Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she heard her son's explanation: "Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock, on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you fuck her in the ass!" A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why 'Carmen'?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck." Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear." Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park? A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love. Q: Did you hear about the queer who's on the patch? A: He's down to four butts a day. Q: How can you tell if a chick is a true redneck? A: Because she can chew tobacco and suck a dick and still know when to spit and when to swallow. A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a stacked 20-something hot chick dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear trickled from his other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as my pussy?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm about to get fucked out of my peaches." There was this long-married couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband seemed confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your gear off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier." The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh, no", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book." Ten Words That Don't Exist But Should: 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your dick in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be OK next week." The doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint and taped it all together - an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful D-cup breasts. She said, "You're the first! No one has EVER touched these before." The quick-thinking groom immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this! Still in the CRATE!" A little girl asks her father, "Where do little girls come from?" The father says, "They come from a hard-on." The little girl then asks her father, "Where does a hard-on come from?" The father says, "Little girls!" A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. This your first time in a gay bar, isn't it?" This huge man marries a tiny little girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "Wow! She's like a true spinner! What's that like?" The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."