Q: Why are Catholic girls always so silent during sex? A: They don't believe in talking to strangers. Q: What do you get when you cross a German with an Irishman? A: Someone who is too drunk to follow orders. Q: What about the klansman from Arkansas? A: He was a real sheethead. Q: Why don't cannibals eat Jewish kids? A: Because they're always spoiled. Q: Why are turtleneck sweaters so popular in Poland? A: Because they cover up the flea collars. Q: Did you hear about the new dance hall in Israel? A: It's called "Let My people go-go." Q: Why did the Polish scientist stay up night after night? A: He was trying to find a cure for insomnia. Q: Why is teen sex so exciting in Baghdad? A: You never know if the car is going to explode before you do. Q: Why don't Iraqis go to bars anymore? A: Because they can get bombed at home. Q: How can you tell for sure if a bride is Jewish? A: After the wedding, all her relatives gather up and save the rice. Q: What is a sure sign that a hospital patient has AIDS? A: He gets is shots with a dart gun. Q: What proof do we have that parrots are smarter than chickens? A: There's no such thing as Kentucky Fried Parrot. Q: Why did the faggot pickpocket always come home empty-handed? A: He was just browsing. Q: Hear about the Jewish American Princess who was bisexual? A: Twice a year was too much. Q: What is the motto of the gay Canadian Mounties? A: We always get our man. And we get to keep him, too. Q: Hear about the queer Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dyke? A: She beat the shit out of him. Q: Why did the Jewish lesbian move back to Israel? A: She missed the Hebrew tongue. Don’t know why we’re afraid of the North Koreans. They haven’t gone to war in 60 years, but look at all the medals their generals are wearing. We could defeat them with a large magnet. Q: Hear about the young guy who gave his first blow job? A: It left him with a queer taste in his mouth. Q: Did you hear about the new popsicle for queers? A: Its got hair around the stick. Q: Did you hear the one about the Australian guys who came late for the gay Olympics? A: They couldn't get out of Sydney. Little Billy the Boy Scout comes home and has a hand grenade in his pants. His mother asks him, "What's that you have in your trousers?" "A hand grenade," he replies honestly. "Holy Shit! Why do you have a hand grenade in your pants?" "So the next time that fucking faggot scoutmaster tries to grab my cock I can blow his fingers off." Q: How can you tell if your wife is truly ugly? A: When the waiter brings your food to the table and places her plate on the floor. Q: What is the lesbian's favorite ice cream flavor? A: Sardine. A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Q: What do you call a retired black hooker? A: Grandma. Q: What did the rooster say to the hen? A: How would you like your egg this morning? Q: What is a surefire clue that a nuclear power plant is unsafe? A: The billing department moves out. Q: How can you tell when you have bad breath? A: The first thing in the dentist's office, he heads for the laughing gas. The Puerto Rican girl was on the witness stand and the prosecutor asked her, "When you were being raped, did you scream for help?" She nodded. "And did anyone come?" "First he did, then I did." Q: How can you tell if your son is a true sadist? A: He gets a girl pregnant just so he can watch the rabbit die. Q: Did you hear about the slutty cheerleader? A: She came home late from the football game with a bad case of athlete's fetus. Q: Why did Woody Allen have to go see the doctor? A: He had a diaper rash. Q: What is the definition of a true genius? A: A nudist who has a good memory for faces. Q: How can you tell your parents really hate you? A: Your house catches on fire and they send you back inside to play. Q: Why do Polacks have arms? A: So their fingers don't smell like armpits. Q: How can you tell when you have a bad acne problem? A: When your dog calls you Spot. Q: How do they play baseball in Mexico? A: Drink some water and then try to make it home. Q: What's the difference between love and insanity? A: Insanity lasts forever. Q: How can you spot the redneck at Sea World? A: He's the one carrying a fishing pole. Q: What is a surefire clue that a chick is really ugly? A: She blindfolds herself before she showers. Q: How can you tell when your dick is really, really small? A: When your girlfriend uses it like a toothpick. Q: Why are tampons so popular all over the world? A: Because they keep the Reds in, the Poles out, the Greeks happy, and the French hungry. Q: Why don't some men mind chicks with unshaved pussies? A: Because they don't mind going through the bush to get to the picnic. Q: Did you hear about the flea who suffered from insomnia? A: He could only sleep in snatches. A Polish girl walks into a grocery store and says, "Can you give me change for this $50 bill?" "That's not a $50 bill, that's a soap coupon!" "My God! I've been raped!" Two Polish chicks go to Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break. One complains to the other, "This brand of suntan oil is useless." "Why do you say that?" the other asked. "Because I have already drunk three bottles of the stuff, and look at me...I'm still as white as a sheet." Did you hear about the Italian girl who was so fat that every time she had her picture taken she was charged group rates? Q: How does a Polish boy scout start a fire? A: By rubbing two match sticks together. Q: What does an Ebonics public service announcement sound like? A: It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it be? Q: How can you tell if a pirate is a Polack? A: He has patches over both of his eyes. A shrink is talking with a mother and says, "I have interviewed your young son, and he seems extremely upset by something you told him. What did you tell him about death?" "I told him that after we die we get buried and the worms feed on our eyeballs and other soft parts and we rot away until there's nothing left but our bones." "That's TERRIBLE!" he answered. "I know, I should have told him the truth - that most of us die and go to Hell, where we burn for all eternity." Q: How can you tell if you're a redneck? A: Your mother has more chest hair than your father. Q: How can you tell you're a redneck? A: Your sewer system consists of a pipe running down a hill. Q: How can you tell if you're living in Arkansas? A: Your main source of income involves either pigs or manure. Q: How is buying a used car like going into a whorehouse? A: Either way you know you're going to get screwed. Question: Are needles used in lethal injections sterilized first? Q: How do you pierce Oprah Winfrey's ears? A: With a harpoon. Q: Did you hear about the black psychic who knew the exact day he would die? A: The warden told him. Q: What is the best way to remember dead relatives? A: Put their ashes in your kids Etch-A-Sketch. Q: What do you call guys having sex with mannequins? A: Guys in dolls. Q: How are blondes and computers alike? A: You don't really appreciate them until they go down. Q: How can you tell when you're really, really poor? A: The Salvation Army comes over and takes the wrong furniture. Q: Did you hear about the family from Arkansas that went camping? A: The mosquitoes threw up after biting them. Q: What is the hottest selling item in a convent? A: A vibrating crucifix. Q: Why did the 80 year-old lady buy two candles? A: In case she wanted to light one of them. Q: How can you tell if a chick is really flat-chested? A: She works in a topless bar as a bus girl. Q: What is the definition of a Democrat? A: Someone who loves government for all it's worth. Q: What is female, weighs three hundred pounds, and wears a long-sleeved Pendleton shirt? A: Moby Dyke. A lady called 911 and reported, "Help! There's a Republican masturbating in front of the house across the street!" "OK, lady, we're sending someone over, but how do you know he's a Republican?" "Because if he were a Democrat, he'd be out screwing someone." Q: What is the definition of a real slob? A: A guy who has more dishes in the sink than the cabinet. Q: What is the definition of Branson, Missouri? A: Vegas for the toothless. Q: Why do chicks always fart after they piss? A: They can't shake it, so they blow dry it. Q: How can you tell for sure that your kid is a pervert? A: He plays with the dog and dresses up like a fire hydrant. A man goes to a dive motel with a hooker and asks her, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I'll let you do it for an extra fifty bucks." Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room. Q: What is a transvestite's definition of a good time? A: Eat, drink, and be Mary. Q: How can you tell if a WASP bride is truly ugly? A: Everyone gets in line to kiss the caterer. Daffynition: Pizza: an abortion on toast. Graffito: Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth. The good news: M&Ms won't give you AIDS. Q: What should you look for if you're searching for one-ton canary? A: A psychiatrist. Q: What is the main difference between a JAP and a pitbull? A: The jewelry. Q: What do you call a skinny Protestant? A: A WISP. Q: Why don't Mexicans need to wear life preservers? A: Because grease floats. Q: What do promiscuous angels get? A: Harpies. Q: Why do you always tie off the umbilical cord of a newborn? A: Because if you don't, he goes WHOOOOSH! Out the window. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite religious text? A: How to Serve your fellow man. Q: What do you call a chick with no arms and no legs in a jewelry store? A: Ruby. Did you hear about the new jokes for the deaf? Q: How do you bury a Pakistani? A: Flush. Q: What does a lesbian get every 28 days? A: A free meal. Q: What's a Puerto Rican limousine? A: A garbage truck with Mecedes hubcaps. Q: What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails? A: She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome. Q: How many Italians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to shoot the witness. Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? A: So she wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying out in the Sun? A: Ray. Q: How do married couples do it doggie style? A: The same, but without all the licking and sniffing. Q: Did you hear about the new Crooked Hitlery bond available on Wall Street? A: It has no interest, no principal, and no maturity. Q: Did you hear about the Great Wall of China? A: It has chinks in it. Woman: Help! Help! A Polack tried to rape me! Cop: How do you know he was Polish? Woman: I had to help him. Q: What song did Jerry Lee Lewis sing to commemorate the disaster of the Challenger? A: Its called: Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! Q: Did you hear about the hard left Democrat congressman who was so big they couldn't find a coffin large enough to contain him? A: They gave him an enema and then buried him in a shoe box. Horny guy: Please, I'll only be in you for one minute. Girl: What do you think I am, a microwave? Did you hear about the good Catholic priest who gave up his celibacy for Lent? Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who always gets dumped on? A: John. Q: What's the cruelest thing you can do to Helen Keller? A: Use a hand buzzer on her when shaking her hand. Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A: A hematologist pricks your finger... Q: What is red and screams? A: A skinned baby rolling in salt. Funeral parlor sign: Our staff will stuff your stiff. Whorehouse sign: Our stuff will stiff your staff. Did you hear about the Englishman who thought that manual labor was the President of Mexico? Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a JAP? A: Nothing. There are some things even a gorilla won't do. Q: What do you call twenty naked hookers lying on one table? A: Whores d'oeuvres. Q: How did one old maid proposition the other? A: Let's go down to the cucumber patch and do pushups. Q: What's better than a cold Budweiser? A: A warm Busch. Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Rican astronauts? A: Because they'd honk the horn, squeal the tires, and play the radio too loudly all the way to the Moon. Q: What is the only thing that is long and white and comes with balls? A: A baseball bat. Did you hear about the ten year-old black girl who was afraid of flies...until she opened one? Q: Why is rape such a rarity? A: Because a chick can run faster with her skirt up than a guy can with his pants down. Richard Nixon, Gary Hart, and Teddy Kennedy started a law firm. It's called Trick 'Em, Dick 'Em, and Dunk 'Em. Q: What did the lesbian say as she guided her girlfriend's tongue towards her clit? A: This bud's for you. Q: What do you call a gay Hispanic? A: A spiggot. Q: Why do you always boil water when a baby is being born? A: So that if it is born dead, you can make soup. Q: Why does the Hartz Mountain Flea Collar come in flourescent colors? A: So that Mexican girls can wear jewelry, too. Q: Why don't Pakistanis like enemas? A: Because they make them turn transparent. Q: How do chicks play the new video game called Dick Man? A: They put in a quarter and get fucked. Q: How do faggots play Russian Roulette? A: They pass around six boys...one of them has AIDS. Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper and a fruit? A: A banana that peels itself. Q: What is a female dog's best friend? A: A bone-r. Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road? A: Because it got stuck in someone's exhaust pipe. Q: What is worse than finding glass in your baby food? A: Finding astronaut in your tuna fish. Q: Why aren't there any Mexican astronauts? A: Because every time they hear "Launch" they leave to eat. Q: What did the faggot masochist say when he entered the bar? A: "Any man in the place can whip me." Q: How many people does it take to bury a Puerto Rican? A: Five. One to lower the coffin and four to lower his radio. Q: What glows and can't scream? A: A baby with his finger in an electric socket. Q: How can you tell if a termite is gay? A: It only eats male boxes. Q: What is very small and crawls into walls? A: Helen Keller as a baby. Q: Hear about Crooked Hitlery's fried chicken franchise? A: It only serves left wings and assholes. Q: What do you call a faggot community in Alaska? A: Frosted flakes. Q: What is the ultimate in a cheap date? A: Taking an anorexic to dinner. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Take your foot off its head and let it rise to the surface. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were both Puerto Rican, what would Cheetah be? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a black quadriplegic in the ocean? A: Kareem Abdul Sandbar. Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead." There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!" An Army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting for it?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir." "Good man!" said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting for it?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir." "Good man!" barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two soldiers do, Sir!" A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way is it headed?" Q: Why does miss Piggy douche with honey and vinegar? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.” "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!" This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to piss. A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th." Q: What's the definition of a really macho man? A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron. Q: What do you do if an Iraqi with half a head comes running at you? A: Stop laughing and reload. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He again approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady. Well I am in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!" An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet, please advise!" A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him, "Well, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my God!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news," the doctor adds, "Is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant." Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said, "I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him." The second smiled, "That's nothing," he said. "I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them." The third grinned and said, "You two didn't have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks just to get the smile off her face." A guest called down to the front desk of his expensive hotel and said, "I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out of the window." "I'm sorry sir," the manager replied, "but we cannot intervene in what is purely a personal matter." "No, damnit! This is a maintenance issue! I can't get the window open!" "Shit!" said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's pantyhose off!" "What's the rush?" his friend asked. "The damned elastic in the legs is killing me," the guy replied.  A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?" "Hmmm...maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths," the doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "No. But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!" A guy goes to the farmer to buy a horse. He give the farmer the money and says that he will be around later to pick up the horse. When he returns he is shocked to find that the horse is dead! He goes to the farmer and asks what happen to the horse, and can he get his money back. The farmer replies no because he has spent the money and that he has no more horses to sell. The guy is unhappy but says OK, and takes the dead horse anyway. The farmer is shocked but doesn't say anything. A couple of weeks later the guy returns to the farmer to buy a couple more dead horses, so the farmer asked him what in the world would you want to do with a dead horse? The guy replies that he had an auction to sell the dead horse, and charged 10 dollars entrance fee and had over two hundred people there. The farmer is shocked and said didn't anyone get angry when they found out that the horse was dead? The guy replies only the person that won. The farmer says what happened next, and the guy says nothing I gave him back his 10 dollars. Q: What do cannibals use to freshen their breath? A: Men-tos. Hallmark Cards That Never Made It I'm Sorry! My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat! Get Well Soon You had your bladder removed, and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends. Bad Hangover You totaled your car And can't remember why. Could it have been that case of Bud Dry? Cheer Up Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be, But don't fret about it, She moved in with me! Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You: 20.  After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19.  Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18.  Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?" 17.  Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16.  Only moans during commercial breaks. 15.  Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14.  Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13.  Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12.  You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11.  Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10.  During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda." 9.  Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8.  Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7.  Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too. 6.  Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5.  Boredom?  So that's why she keeps deflating! 4.  Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3.  Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2.  She yells out her own name. 1.  Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.       Good Answering Machine Messages:  1) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... really slowly. So leave a message, and when we're finished brushing ] our teeth we'll get back to you. 2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send more money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 3) Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you. Q: What do you call a vampire from Tijuana? A: Spicula. Q: What's the difference between a mind and an ass? A: A woman will always give you a piece of her mind. Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it. He looks up at the priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not on your penis." The priest replies, "It's working just fine... I'm down to two butts a day." Which side of the fence? If you ever wondered on which side of the fence you sit, this is a great test: If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Democrat is homosexual, he expects the government to force people to give him respect. If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him. If a Republican hasn't learned about a candidate running he won't vote for him. If a Democrat hasn't learned about the candidates running he'll vote based on gender, race, and the one promising the most free stuff. If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. A Democrat demands that the show be shut down. If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion censored. If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his. If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended." A Jewish man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: 'Bernie is dead'." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: 'Bernie is dead. Cadillac for sale'." A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?" Terms for female masturbation: 5 Digit DiscoBuzzing the honey hole Backslappin' Betty Bailing out the Gravy Boat Beaver bashin' Bouncing the bearded clam Buffing the box Buffing the jewel Buttering up the whisker biscuit Clam twiddlin' jamboree Critter crammin' Damming the beaver Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone Diddling Miss Daisy Diggin' for clams Digitis Erectus Fingering the fountain Flicking the minnow Friday night lip service Frosting the muffin of love Giving yourself the finger Going for the gooey duct Impeaching Bush Juicing the clam Let your fingers do the walking Lip smacking Menage a'moi Petting the kitty Piddly Diddler Playing the squeezebox Pokin' the pie Polishing the little pink pearl Pumping the kooter Punchin' the chipmunk Reading in Braille Riding the clitoris-sauras Romancing thy own Roughing up the suspect Self-guided tuna boat tour Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose Spanking Lucy Stroking the newt Ticklin' the taco Tissue tickling Twirling the pearl Unbuttoning the fur coat Warming the wrist rocket I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point she said,  "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again, and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?" A faggot goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you." The faggot gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the faggot's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The faggot calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says to the cop, "Your turn!" You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm. Q: Why do midgets laugh when they run? A: Because the grass tickles their nuts. They say that love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver." Q: Where do one-legged waitresses work? A: IHOP. Tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning. "Mommy, my pet turtle is dead," the little Johnny, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then buy you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Johnny, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "May I kill it?" Q: Why is sex like pot? A: The quality depends on the pusher. Q: What do starving Ethiopian children get for their birthdays? A: Flies. Q: And, for Christmas? A: Buried. CONFUCIOUS SAY: 1. Marriage is good deal like taking bath - not so hot once you get used to it. 2. Absent-minded nurse is one who makes patient without disturbing bed. 3. High fidelity is a drunk who goes home regularly to his wife. 4. Marriage is like long banquet with the dessert served first. 5. Slip cover is maternity dress. 6. Kiss is upper persuasion for lower invasion. 7. Cow who gets divorce got bum steer. 8. Nudists are people who go in for altogetherness. 9. Girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. 10. Farmer who can't keep hands off wife better fire them. 11. If you want a youthful figure, ask a woman her age. 12. Fellow who lose girl, forget where he laid her. 13. You never know how a girl will turn out until her folks turn in. 14. Aviatrix who fly upside down sure to have crackup. 15. Shotgun wedding is case of wife or death. 16. Madam is someone for whom the belles toil. 17. Bird in hand is not as good as girl in bush. 18. A mistress is a cutie on the q.t. 19. Drive-in movie is wall to wall car-petting. 20. Woman's best asset, man's imagination. 21. Man with one track mind most likely possesses dirt track. 22. It is very easy to lie with straight face, but it's nicer to lie with curved body. 23. Man will often take girl to some retreat in order to make advances. 24. Good resolution is like many a modern girl, easy to make but hard to keep. 25. Boy who know love from A to Z, always make girl say: OH! 26. Sex is most fun you can have without laughing. 27. Eunuch not strange creature, just a man cut out to be a bachelor. 28. The best years of a woman's life usually counted in man hours. 29. Vicious circle is a wedding ring. 30. Next thing to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world. 31. Money is poor man's credit card. 32. I know a girl who started out with a little slip and ended up with a whole new wardrobe. 33. Executive suite better known as sugar daddy. Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny. A mugger jumps out of the bushes in Washington, D.C. and points an illegal gun at a well-dressed jogger who is passing by. "Give me your money," he demands. "Are you kidding?" the jogger replied. "I am a Democrat US Congressman!" "In that case," the mugger quickly adjusts, "Give me my money." I'm Off like a Prom Dress! Advice to all college students: Choose a major that you love and you'll never work a day in your life...because that field isn't hiring. Q: How do you identify a Scottish clansman? A: Well, if he has a quarter pounder under his kilt, he's a McDonald. Agent: 'Do you have an 8"x10" '? Aspiring male porn star: "If I did, I wouldn't be out of work." I was in bed with a blind chick last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg!"  What Are Cats? What, exactly, ARE cats? • Cats do what they want, when they want. • They never listen. • They are not predictable. • They whine when they are not happy. • When you want to play, they want to be left alone. • When you want to be alone, they want to play. • They expect you to cater to their every whim. • They are moody. • They leave their hair everywhere. • They drive you nuts. Cats are small women in fur coats. "I think we should go dutch," the hot chick told her date. "You pay for dinner and a movie and the rest of the night will be on me." Arguing with a chick is like reading an app license agreement. In the end you ignore everything and click "I agree." Q: What should you do when your girlfriend is faking orgasms? A: Pretend you don't hear her. Q: What is worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn by your mouth? A: Finding out it has been traced. A man encountered his ex-girlfriend at the mall and said, "I thought of you last night while I was having sex." "Well, you must really miss me," she responded. "No, it just keeps me from coming too quickly." Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone? Grandma Dear, now get in the coffin. Mommy, Mommy! Can I have a bike for Christmas? Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair.   Q: What's the difference between broccoli and sodomy? A None really. You can add as much butter as you want, kids still won't enjoy it.    WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" "How come it's so BIG in there?" "You've done this with a lotta guys before, huh?" "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?" (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." "Do you know what a 'douche' is?" "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow." "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" "I've been getting these little blisters lately..." "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?" "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"     26 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name 5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 6. A dog's parents never visit. 7. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 10. Dogs seldom outlive you. 11. Dogs can't talk. 12. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day. 13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 15. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get angry. They just think it's interesting. 21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. 22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. 25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. 26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. Spelling Lesson : The last four letters in American...I Can The last four letters in Republican...I Can The last four letters in Democrats...Rats End of lesson A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Dumb: - A few hairs short of a wig. - Three feathers short of being fluffy. - The dip stick doesn't reach the oil. - Sharp as a bubble. - Nice toy---no batteries. - A few quacks short of a duck. - A few peas shy of having a casserole. - A few trucks short of a convoy. - An experiment in artificial stupidity. - An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. - Doesn't have all the dots on his dice. - Forgot to pay the brain bill. - If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund. Q: What did one testicle say to the other?  A: "Why should we hang, Dick did all the shooting!' Kim Jung Un Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership. He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon. So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea. Terrific! Oh shit! I'm sorry...I just remembered that we did the same thing for eight years here. Q: What's a condominium?  A: A condom for an extra small dick. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East . Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran, and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Sodom Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle, and food crops. The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling.  Q: What has six legs and eats pussy? A: You, me, and Ellen Degenerate. Q:Did you hear that Ellen Degenerate drowned? A: She was found floating face down in Ricki Lake. Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls. Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese camera? A: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed. Q: Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the difference between arson and incest? A: He set fire to his sister. I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine ... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar. Q: What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute? A: At least with a pro, you get what you pay for. Q: Wha's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle." Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie? A: It's called, "Honey, I married the kids." Q: What did the frustrated cannibal say? A: Nothing, he just threw up his hands. A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "What? Are my eyes bulging?" I love Christmas lights! They remind me of the people who voted for Obamarx. They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do work aren't all that bright. Q: Why can't women ski? A: Because there isn't a ski slope between the kitchen and the bedroom. Daffynition: Anchovy - a fish that smells like a finger. Q: Where does the KKK buy its costumes? A: From KKK Mart. Q: What do Black Lives Matter and the homosexual community have in common? A: They both suck. The perfect chick's T-shirt to get their undivided attention: "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whorehouse and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?" "Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom and leave the lights out." "A while later he comes back out and says, "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?" "Dude, ya gotta show some respect for the dead!" Dear Abby, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off! Should I clobber him with one of his golf clubs or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated, Mad as Hell Dear Mad as Hell, You don’t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP! Don`t resort to clobbering him with a golf club, and try to act like a lady! Remember...you're running for President of the United States! Abby Q: How does a JAP call her family for dinner? A: "Get in the car, kids!" Q: How can you tell a blonde has been at your computer? A: There's cheese in front of the mouse. Once a hot blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: "What was your dream about?" Blonde: "A vampire was chasing me!" Doctor: "Really. What was the scenery like?" Blonde: "I was running in a hallway." Doctor: "Then what happened?" Blonde: "Well, that is the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I could not open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it would not budge!" Doctor: "Did the door have any letters on it?" Blonde: "Yes, it did." Doctor: "And what did the letters spell?" Blonde: "It said, 'P-U-L-L'." The Best Things in Life Aren't THINGS. Q: What do dykes cook for dinner? A: They don't cook, they eat out. Q: What is Spanish Human? A: An insecticide that makes flies so horny that they fuck themselves to death. Q: What's worse than having your dentist tell you that you have herpes? A: Having your mother tell you. God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not murder." "Not murder? We're not interested.." So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." "Father? We don't even know who our fathers are. We're not interested." Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French, too, wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Sacre bleu! Not commit adultery? We're not interested." Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." Hearing suggestive noises coming from the sophomore's dorm room door, the resident advisor knocked and said, "Are you entertaining a lady in there?" "I don't know," the college kid replied. "Let me ask her." Rule at the all-girls Catholic school: Lights out at 10.00. Candles out at 10:15. Q: Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? A: After a month they were fighting tooth and nail. Q: What did the mouse say when they gave him Viagra? A: "Here pussy, pussy, pussy!" Q: What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies? A: A zipper. Q: What do you call a JAP's nipple? A: The tip of the iceberg. One day, little Johnny was bugging his mother, so she told him to go outside and play. Johnny went outside and down the street. He saw firemen rescue a little baby from a burning building and save the day. He ran home all excited that he saw this, and started to tell his mother. She interrupted him, saying, "I already heard it all on my scanner." Little Johnny pouts and goes to his room. The next day, his mother tells him to go out and play. Again he goes down the street and this time he sees an ambulance show up at an accident and the driver get out and save the people's lives. He rushes home and starts to tell his mother what he saw. She interrupts saying she already heard it on her scanner. Again the next day, she sends him out to play, but this time he decides to go a different way. He walks around farmer Brown's barn and sees him fucking a pig in the ass. He thinks to himself man I shouldn't be here. He starts to sneak away when there's a loud "snap," as he steps on a twig. Brown hears him and says, "Hey Johnny is that you?" Johnny says, "Yeah." The farmer ask Johnny if he wants to try it. Johnny thinks, why not, and has himself the time of his young life. When he's done he runs home and starts yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, guess what I did today!" She says, "OK, what?" He proudly says, "I got laid." She replies, "In a pig's ass." Johnny, now pissed, screams, "DAMNED SCANNER!" Q: What's the biggest advantage of speed-reading? A: You can take a shit in half the time. Q: How can you tell a bachelor from a married man? A: A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning. Q: What is the definition of a bachelor? A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony. Q: When do you know a man is desperate ? A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head. Horny Old Geezer One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, toots, you gave me crabs!"   The hooker replies, "Hey, old geezer, what did you expect for $10, lobster?" Did you hear about the gay plastic surgeon who hung himself? Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. Q: If a tennis player gets tennis elbow, what does a gynecologist get? A: Tunnel vision. There was once a hot chick who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?" Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?" Q: Did you hear about the one-legged chick who got raped? A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass. Q: What did the termite say when he walked into a nightclub? A: "Is the bar tender here?" Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others. When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President. "It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation. Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal' s resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave." The General saluted and said, "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again." Q: How many Karen Carpenters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That depends on how high you stack all the bones. Q: What do cowboy hats and hemorrhoids have in common? A: Sooner or later every asshole gets one. Q: What is the difference between a black guy and a bicycle? A: The bicycle doesn't sing "Kumbaya, Lord" when you chain it up. Q: What is the definition of a metallurgist? A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is virgin metal or common ore. Q: Did you hear about the two new leprosy theme songs? A: "Put your head on my shoulder" and "I wanna hold your hand." Overheard at Whole Foods: "Um, I need to read the barcode numbers to you aloud," said the fussy customer to the clerk. "I don't want lasers to touch my food." At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a large-breasted, hot blonde, was making overtures to her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart, and screamed, "Look toots! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!" This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note: "Off to the grocery store." He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the rented video into his player, and starts masturbating. He's just about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over, and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and...what happened!" To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean that floor again." "If you turn off the light, I'll take it up the ass," said the wife abed, who just saw her naked husband enter the bedroom. The room went dark and shortly the wife let out a bloodcurdling scream. "Maybe I should have let the bulb cool down first," the husband noted to himself. So when we lie to the government, it's a felony. When they lie to us, it's politics. We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden" Anniversary.  I asked her to give me a blowjob and she "wooden." Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?  (Now that's scary!) To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead. A husband sent his wife of many years a text: "Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Tina took me to the hospital. They started taking X-rays and doing tests. The trauma to my head was serious, and the damage may be severe. Also, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of my left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot." Wife's text to husband: "Who's Tina?" Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a whirlpool? A: Eddy. Dating over the past 20 years - 1995: "I made you this mixtape." 2005: "I made you this mix CD." 2015: "Here's a selfie of my dick." Condoms In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them. So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms. Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left. Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms.  He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms. What I want to know is...are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?" Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?" Mabel: "Yes, the dentist." Q: Why don't WASP girls like to take part in gang bangs? A: Because the sex is icky, and then there's all those thank-you notes. Q: What was the Pope's fourth miracle? A: He heeled a dog. Q: Why did the Indian wear a jock strap? A: To totem pole. In old age, the only two things we do with i ncreased frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals . She: You smell good, what have you got on? He: A hardon, but I didn't know you could smell it! Mary had a little lamb... That'll teach her to stay out of the barnyard. The Truth Behind Men's Statements: "Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor." "I need you." "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys." "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." "I don't know if I like her." "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much." "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" "I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." "Next!" "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" "I gotta turn on my answering machine." Q: What do you call a guy who is half Welsh and half Hungarian? A: Well hung. Q: What do you call a faggot in a chariot? A: Ben Her. From a Marine's wife. I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power January of 2009. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his Oath of Office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had already deteriorated. Everyone of them missed the bastard. Q: Why does Britney Spears diet consist mainly of salads? A: Because she eats like a rabbit, too. Q: After the war, how come none of the lepers could walk? A: They were defeated. Q: What kind of venereal disease do rabbits get? A: VW. Q: What is a Polish menage-a-trois? A: Masturbating with both hands. Q: What do you call a chick with no arms and no legs in court? A: Sue. Q: What's blue and creamy? A: Smurf cum. Q: Why are Polish mothers so strong? A: From raising dumbells. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Spaniard? A: Spic 'n Span. Q: What did the queer nurse give his patients? A: First AIDS. Q: Did you hear the one about the Polish starlet? A: She went to Hollywood and slept with a writer. A chick accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was abusing herself with a vibrator while driving. She is said to be in "stable and extremely relaxed" condition. The driver of the van said he never saw her coming. Hitlery Rotten and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says: "The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal." Hitlery: "You mean the Mexican gun running?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean the death of SEAL Team 6?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean my State Department lying about Benghazi?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean the massive voter fraud?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails, and everything else?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean the of drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Red Chinese?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean Obama arming his Muslim Brotherhood?" Trump: "No the other one:" Hitlery: "The IRS targeting conservatives?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "The DOJ spying on the press?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "You mean Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the ChiComs bought them?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "The NSA monitoring citizens' phone calls, emails, and everything else?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Obama's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal aliens from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming it on the sequester?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Obama's threat to impose gun grab by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress and the Constitution?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Obama's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Oh, you mean the 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Obama's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "Me, The IRS, Clapper, and Holder all lying to Congress?" Trump: "No, the other one." Hitlery: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don't pay taxes and get free stuff from the taxpayers, and they've stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt, and divisive administration in American history?" Trump: "THAT'S THE ONE!" Q: Why is it considered a crime to tell jokes in a leper colony? A: Because they might laugh their heads off. A guy was having difficulty performing in bed. "Don't worry. It happens to a lot of guys," his girlfriend reassured him. He shouted, "First of all, who are all those other guys? And secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?" After undergoing a major surgical procedure, the patient spoke to the recovery room nurse, "During the operation I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word which upset me." "Please tell me which word do that I can include it in my report," said the nurse. "Oops." Q: What is the favorite casino of epileptics? A: Seizure's Palace. 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School: 1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc...school just sucks. 3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger. 4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to. 5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. 6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress. 7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. 8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless. Q: What is the ultimate embarrassment for a chick? A: When her Ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector. Q: Did you hear about the tight end who had to serve hard time? A: He came out a wide receiver. A young black kid asks his mother, "Mammy, what is Socialism?" "Well, child, Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff free like cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, school lunch, healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on - you know. That's Socialism." "But mammy, don't the white people get mad about that?" "Sure they do honey. That's called Racism." Confucius say: Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Man who scratches ass must not bite fingernails. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money. Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Q: What's the difference between Dean Martin and Willie Nelson? A: Willie Nelson is an old country Western singer, while Dean Martin was older than most Western countries. Q: Why does Paris maintain so many tree-lined boulevards? A: So the German army can march in the shade. Q: What did the midget say to the gorgeous 6'6" blonde hooker? A: Take me to your ladder. Q: What is the most tasteless song to play at an old folks' dance? A: Taps. Q: Did you hear about the husband who divorced his wife due to her illness? A: He got sick of her. Q: Did you hear about the new Calvin Klein jeans for fags? A: They have knee pads in front and a zipper in the back. Q: What's the difference between a JAP and poverty? A: Poverty sucks. Q: Why can't blacks celebrate Thanksgiving? A1: There's no such thing as Kentucky Fried Turkey. A2: OJ Simpson is the only one who knows how to slice white meat. Q: What is the difference between spinach and boogers? A: Not everyone loves the taste of spinach. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a fag? A: Legal AIDS. Q: What does it say on the bottom of Polish Coke bottles? A: Open other end. Q: How do WASPs wean their children? A: They fire the maid. Q: Why is Cuba such a fucked up country? A: The island is in the Caribbean, the government is in Russia, the troops are in Angola, and the population is in Miami. Q: What do you call a reporter's sperm? A: Journaljism. Q: What do you get when you cross Mick Jagger and a cat? A: A pussy with big lips. Q: Why were the midget and the fat lady so happy together? A: She let him try a new wrinkle every night. A little boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have a Green Thumb when their thumbs aren't actually green?" His dad replies, "It's just a saying son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something. They say that he was caught 'Red Handed,' even though his hands are actually black." Q: How can you tell when there's a gay president in the White House? A: All the cigars taste like shit. Q: What do you call someone with no arms and no legs in a flower garden? A: Bud. Or Rose. Q: What do you call a horny pumpkin? A: An jack-o-lantern. Q: Why did the rooster cross the basketball court? A: He heard the ref was blowing fouls. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon pudding. Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his ass. "Sherlock, what the Hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps. Sherlock smiles and replies, "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." Q: How can you tell you're at a Scottish stag party? A: A sheep jumps out of the cake. Q: What's the difference between and asshole and a rectum? A: You can't put your arm around a rectum. Q: What do you get when you cross a Xerox copier and a Wurlitzer? A: Reproductive organs. Blood is thicker than water. But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically, pancakes are more important than family. Men may wear the pants in the family, but women are the ones who control the zipper. Q: What is the proper way to invite a dwarf to give you a blow job? A: Ask her to go up on you. Q: Why was the leper kicked off the relay team? A: He lost the last leg. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: Popping a boner and running out of skin. Q: Why did the handicapped girl fall off of the swing? A: She didn't have any arms. A man approached a beautiful, stacked redhead in the grocery store. "I've lost my girlfriend," he said. "Could you please just stand there and talk with me for few minutes?" "Sure, pal," she answered. "But I don't understand how that will help you find your girlfriend." "It's inevitable. Every time I talk to a chick as hot as you, she appears out of nowhere." Q: How many varsity football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, and he's getting an A in it. Q: What do you call someone with no arms and no legs and a speech impediment in the sink? A: Dwayne. Q: What do you call a rehab facility for prostitutes? A: An all-the-way house. A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Daddy, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy, but she said that Susie was in heat, and for me to ask to you." Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay,you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a short time later with the leash but without the dog. Her Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute. She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home." Q: How did Helen Keller tell the Ladies room from the Mens room? A: She just felt her way around. Q: What would you rather be, a light bulb or a bowling ball? A: Depends on whether you'd rather get screwed or fingered. Q: Hear about the Italians who emigrated to Poland? A: They raised the collective IQ of both countries. A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house. She approaches him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asks in a soft, sweet voice. Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies, "No." Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice, "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" Intrigued, he answers, "Uh, no." She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she says as she leans down and whispers, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" Totally confused and excited he stammers, "No!" "Well," she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..." "Do I look Fat" Responses: "Not to Stevie Wonder." "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!" "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'" "No hablo ingles." "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out." "No, but taking it *off* sure does." "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won." "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make." "Not if you were traveling at the speed of light." "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains." "Whoa! A talking couch!" "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?" A guy races into the men's room, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit! Can you make me one, too?" Q: Why do faggots make such good basketball players? A: Because they can make such great swishes. Pickup Lines That Might Get You Slapped 1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock. 2. Let's play Titanic:, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down. 3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise. 4. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra? 5. What time do you have to be in heaven? 6. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me? 7. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy? 8. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO"? - May I? 9. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ? 10. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you. 11. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No"? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. 12. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming. 13. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place? 14. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine. 15. That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. What Men Really Mean: Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question... * "I brought you a present." Really means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." * "I missed you." Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." * "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again." * "We share the housework." Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." * "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means... "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." * "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" * "It sure snowed last night." Really means... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." * "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means... "You just bought new clothes three years ago." * "She's one of those rabid feminoids." Really means... "She refused to make my coffee." * "But I hate to go shopping." Really means... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." * "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions." * "I heard you." Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." * "You look terrific." Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." Q: Why did David Kennedy get buried at sea? A: So Uncle Ted could drive to the funeral. Q: What did one leper say to the other? A: "Haven't seen much of you lately." Bumper snicker: Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch. Q: What is the most useless present Helen Keller ever received for Christmas? A: A camera. Q: What did Donna Rice and Christa McAulifffe have in common? A: They both went down on the challenger. Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal! Two guys hire a hooker to raise their "morale." The first one whips out his dick, which is a whopping ten inches long. The hooker smiles eagerly, and starts to blow him. Then the second guy takes out his dick, which is only five inches long. "Who's this guy?" she asks number one. Number one answers, "That, obviously, is my half-brother." Chicks should know that when a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart. All three guys want to fuck you, though. Q: What do you call a calf's pussy? A: Veal cuntlet. Q: You know that God wouldn't have made women smell like fish... A: ...if He hadn't made cum look like tartar sauce. Q: How do you bury a Panamanian? A: Flush. "When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Jamie, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled Jamie. "No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls." A man is out, driving happily along in his car LATE one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. A policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away." A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich and a cat behind him and, as he sits, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the other two. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The cat says "Sure, I'll have a beer too, but don't expect me to pay for it!" The bartender pours the beers and says, "That will be $3.48, please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and cat, and the ostrich come again, and the man says, I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." The cat says, "Me too, but I'm not paying for it!" Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the three enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat says, "Scotch sounds good, but someone else is paying, not me!" "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage always to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic in my house and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there. "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies, "Oh yeah, them. You see, my second wish was for a chick with long legs, and a tight pussy." The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people. Q: What's the cruelest thing you can do to Helen Keller? A: Shake her hand with a hand buzzer. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who always gets dumped on? A: John. If Rand Paul got the Republican nomination and he picked Scott Walker as his running mate, would the Paul/Walker bumper stickers cause the cars to crash and burn? If Bruce Jenner goes missing will they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half? Q: What do you call a chick who has no arms and no legs in a jewelry store? A: Ruby. For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest cunt contest. So this husband shows up with his fat disgusting wife. She's so fat and lazy that he has to carry her up onto the stage. She blows the doors out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and accepted the check for winning the contest. The management couldn't help but ask, "How do you stand the smell?" He says, "Well, when she first died two weeks ago, it was pretty bad, but you get used to it." The highly pious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him spread eagled naked on their bed. "My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!" "OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "But I always get the goddamned hiccups when I fuck in that position." A Polish husband returned early from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the closet. She lay down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: "Daddy, Daddy! Peter is hiding in the closet!" The man went to the closet and shouted: "You asshole! Instead of helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with my kid!" Funeral parlor sign: Our staff will stuff your stiff. Whorehouse next door: Our stuff will stiff your staff. Q: What do promiscuous angels get? A: Harpies. Q: Why do they always tie the umbilical cord on newborns? A: Because if they didn't, they'd go whooooosh! Out the window. Q: What do cannibals call unborn babies? A: Hors d'oeuvres. Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth. Fortunately, M&Ms can't give you AIDS. Daffynition: Pizza - an abortion on toast. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite religious text? A: How to Serve Your Fellow Man. Q: Did you hear about the Great Wall of China? A: It had chinks in it. Q: What do you call a skinny Protestant? A: WISP. Q: What does a lesbian get every 28 days? A: A free meal. A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!" Q: How can you tell that a Polish bride is exceptionally ugly? A: Everyone lines up to kiss the caterer. Did you hear the one about the good Catholic priest who gave up his celibacy for Lent? A young amorous couple were about to do the wild thing, so, being smart, they bought a box of a dozen rubbers. They had a nice time in bed, playing and fondling and finally culminating it by having sex. When she came back to her boyfriend's apartment a week later, the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of twelve. A little upset, she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His reply was, "Honey, I masturbated with them." She then went to her male confidant friend and told him the story, and asked him if he had ever done this. "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said. "Oh!" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend." Q: How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? A: Douche with beer. Disney movie cancelled FOX News reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Soot Black," the Negro version of "Snow White" has been canceled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing, "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes, either that or constitutes a verbal contract of engagement. They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go." Daffynition - Jewish Nymphomaniac: A Jewess who will have sex even though she has just had her hair done. Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Q: What has no arms and no legs and hangs over your mantel? A: A buck. Q: What's the difference between anxiety and panic? A: Anxiety - the first time you can't do it the second time. Panic - the second time you can't do it the first time. Q: What did one ball say to the other? A: "Why should we hang? It was Peter that did all the shooting." Q: What Jerry Lee Lewis song was selected by NASA to commemorate the Challenger disaster? A: "Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Fire!" Q: Why don’t sharks eat niggers? A: They think they're whale shit. 10 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN GORILLAS AND NIGGERS, 10. Gorillas get silverbacks - Niggers get gold teeth. 09. People pay to see gorillas in cages - People pay to put Niggers in cages. 08. Gorillas wouldn't fuck black women. 07. Gorillas pick the bugs off one another. 06. Gorillas do tricks - Niggers turn tricks. 05. Gorillas have enough sense to refrain from dying their hair blonde. 04. 100 years ago explorers searched the dark recesses of Africa for proof of the existence of the mythical Gorilla - 200 years ago explorers searched the dark recesses of Africa because we had crops that needed picking. 03. Gorillas take care of their young. 02. Hollywood executives spent millions of dollars producing motion pictures about Gorillas ruling the world in the future - The same executives turned down scripts involving Niggers ruling the world because they were too far- fetched. 1. One or the other is higher up on the evolutionary ladder. Q: How many Sicilians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and other to shoot the witness. Q: What's red and white and screams? A: A baby having an epileptic fit on a bed of nails. An elderly man is out for a drive when he receives a call from his wife telling him, "Be very careful, dear. I just heard on the radio that there is some dangerous person driving the wrong way on the freeway." "Are you kidding me?" he replied, "There are hundreds of them!" If a guy remembers her eye color after the first date, odds are good that she has small boobs. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women. I can't figure them out. A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been burgled. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!" Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert, or what? Once you get married, S&M night turns into her sleeping while you masturbate. Life's Lessons #1. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked. #2. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it. #3. Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck! #4. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "HANDSOME," don't take it as a compliment. #5. Life is like a dick, sometimes it gets hard for no reason. #6. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life. Things NOT to say to your date's father: Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne? Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready? Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father. Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying? A: A chick's mouth. Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job? A: Kiss me. At the Country Club, Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off - with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." Q: Did you hear about the new line of appliances for faggots? A: They're called kitchen AIDS. Q: How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? A: The toilet gets clogged. Q: What is the difference between Obama and Rock Hudson? A: Obama's aides haven't killed him yet. One of the lttlle-known side effects of Viagra is a headache. When the husband takes a Viagra, the wife gets a headache. Q: What happens to a Vulcan woman whose tampon fails? A: She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome. Q: What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea? A: A flea's teeny weeny. Q: What's the definition of gross? A: Sitting on your grandpa's lap and feeling him get wood. Q: What's a Puerto Rican limousine? A: A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps. Q: How can you tell which guy in the highschool biology class is a queer? A: While everyone else is dissecting frogs, he's opening flies. The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose. Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you did the right thing," says Mommy. "But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap." Mary: Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian? Jill: Really? Wow! Mary: Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want "meat" of any kind. A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage. Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic in your life." "Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!" "Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers." "What for?" "I needed a second opinion." Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God? A: God doesn't think He's a lawyer. You Know You're Trailer Trash When: The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this." You've got more than one brother named "Darryl." You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the "fridge." One of your kids was born on a pool table. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." A precocious ten year old blonde girl came into her mother's bedroom and asked, "Mommy, can I have a baby?"          "Why, of course not!" her mother shrieked.         The girl ran out of the room smiling and her mother soon heard her yelling as she ran back outside the house, "OK, all you guys, we can play that game some more!" Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra? A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week. Michael Jackson in a car pulled up to a schoolboy and said, “Hey little boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.” “Like fucking Hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me smash your old useless dick with a hammer.” Michael Jackson pulled up in his car beside a little boy. Holding a bag full of sweets, he said: "Hey, kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?" "Heck, Michael, give me the hole bag and I'll come in your mouth!" Q: How do you get 12 niggers in a Volkswagen? A: Throw in a welfare check. Q: How do you get them back out? A: Throw in a job application. Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? A: They drowned during spring training. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis. This guy is eating this prostitute's cunt and he says, "This tastes like rice pudding!" "That's what all the boys say, but it's really just maggots." Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pajamas and dressing gown. Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your dick's sticking out!" Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My dick is HANGING out!" Q: What happens when a whore house catches fire? A: Some come out running and some run out coming. A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is each to stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he committed. The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder." Everyone gives him approving looks and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says, "My name is Mike, and I'm in for armed robbery." Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says, "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you why I'm in here." The group leader says, "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok, then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "WHAT! How LOW can you get?" "Well...I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies. A wel-dressed woman in a fancy restaurant was just getting served her dinner when she let rip a horrendous fart.  Embarrassed, she turned immediately to the waiter and snapped, "Waiter!  Stop that this instant!" "Very well, Madam," the waiter replied with professional cool.  "And in just what direction do you think your fart was headed?" A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home." Sergeant: "What is her height?" Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sergeant: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sergeant: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sergeant: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." Sergeant: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my truck." Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?" Husband: "A red 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate-controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting." At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: "Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck." A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and mutters aloud, "Man, Oh Man! I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin!" The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh, fuck no," the guy says. "I just got tired of waiting." Ten Thoughts To Ponder:   Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT - We know exactly where one cow with madcow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in  America but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal aleins and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security. You are never too old to learn something new. Here is today's lesson: "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES: English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Lithuanian As Tave Meliu Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia: Nice Tits. Get in the Truck. Mommy, Mommy! My bottom's sore! Shut up son, we need you to earn the money. Mommy, Mommy, I don't like the milk! Shut up son, and keep on sucking my nipple. A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?" The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately. But it was a damned dirty habit anyway." Grandpa A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he inquired. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. . .This was your Grandma's idea." Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, little Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly. He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants." The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants." At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em, Pussy!" A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?" The little boy replies,"Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"