Q: When is it proper to wear a white tie and tails? A: When playing the piano or when imitating a penguin. Q: Is it all right to be wearing a negligee nightgown when room service arrives? A: It is only if your meal is breakfast or your waiter is exceptionally attractive. Q: Must I wear those "dress for success" unfeminine male business suits at work? A: Yes, because you're fat and ugly. No hot chick would even ask that question. Q: A close lady friend recently underwent an expensive face lift, and you can tell she is expecting many compliments but I think she looks like a death's head. What should I say to her? A: "I'm so sorry." Q: While attending a baseball game, is it rude to boo your home team when they are playing too poorly? A: Yes. It is much more satisfying to throw things. Q: While attending a supporting event, who is responsible to provide the refreshments? A: The butler. Q: Is there a polite way to tell a friend she's too fat? A: Try, 'Hey, fatso, take human bites!" Q: Is it rude to ask someone who their dermatologist is? A: Of course, zitface. Q: My jogging partner is much slower than am I. How can I let him know that it is time I start jogging alone? A: Take him for a run in Harlem in the dead of night.. Q: My boyfriend just gave me as a gift a one year subscription to a QL Is badminton considered a manly sport? A: Since it includes a "birdie" and a "shuttlecock," what do YOU think? Q: When I am at a track and running, who has the right of way, a runner or a wheelchair? A: The runner. Rolling is not running. Q: I a college guy gives his fraternity ring to a chick, does that mean they are engaged? A: If you mean, are they fucking, the answer is definitely yes. Q: My teenage friends like to drink and drive. I don't drink. and am scared to death of having an accident, but I don't want them to think I am a chicken. Is there a polite way these little "excursions"? A: Not at your age. Q: I have a crush on a bout in one of my high school classes. Would it be too forward of me to ask him out on a date? A: No. Just be prepared to put out. Q: What is the best way to let a guy know that his fly is open? A: Point and giggle. Q: My friends snicker at me when I tell them that I met my boyfriend through a notice in our local newspaper. What is so funny? A: You had to ADVERTISE to get a date? Q: A good friend is dating a guy can't stand. Would it be wrong to tell her how I really fee? A: Go ahead. Find out just how good a friend she really Q Q: A friend of mine recently lost a leg, but being a lifelong runner, wanted to continue running with me. Do I have to accommodate his new pace? A: No. Tell him you're out for a run, not a hop. Buy him a pet frog if he still insists. Q: Should I spot for a hot chick at the gym even if she doesn't ask for assistance? A: How else are you going to get a good gander at those great tits? Q: A guy who is a friend of mine works out every day, but only washes his gym clothes about once a month. Should I say something to him>? A Sure. Over the phone. Q: I just joined a health club, and frequently get embarrassed when I sprout a humongous hardon, with all those scantily clad hot chicks around. What should I do? A: Lift weights with it. Q: A woman at the gym is having difficulty lifting the dumbbells. Would it be sexist if I offered to help her? A: Yes, but what the Hell, she''s probably a dyke anyway. Q: What is the proper etiquette for jogging on a crowded city street? A: Avoid pedestrians, unless it slows you down. Q: A good buddy of mine was an avid jogger, but had both of his legs amputated in an accident recently. What gift can I give him? A: A pair of expensive running shoes in your own size. Q: My girlfriend is constantly nagging me to jog with her, but she is much too slow. Would it be rude of me to ask her to find someone else to jog with? A: No, but don't be surprised if she also finds someone else to sleep with, too. Q: What is the correct way to put off an overly zealous suitor's amorous advances? A: Ask him if it is in yet. Q: Is there a polite way to give a guy the brush off? A: No. Should there be? Q: I want to give my girlfriend an engagement ring. Is there a right time or place? A: Before she gets pregnant, and on her finger. Q: How can I politely ask my roommate to leave us alone when I'm in the company of a potential boyfriend and she decides to join us? A: Hiss, "Am-scray,, itch-bay." Q: I am sixteen years old, and every time I ask out a chick, I always hear the retort, "No, you ugly toad!" I'll admit I am far from the handsomest guy in the world, so what should I do now? A: Attend the next dance they hold at Lighthouse for the Blind. Q: When is the proper time to kiss her hand? A: Never. She'll think you missed her lips. Q: When should I give a girl flowers? A: When you father's a florist. Q: When is it appropriate to a ask your date to go bowling? A: When she's wearing a miniskirt. Q: Is it considered good manners to a ask a girl if you may kiss her on the first date? A: If you have to ask, you're already in deep trouble. Try waiting for a romantic moment, then asking her "Would you like to lick my dick?" or "Does the number 69 have any special meaning for you?" Q: The bosomy sales girl in lingerie kept looking at my chest and practically sniggered when I asked her for something in an A cup. Wasn't she being particularly rude? A: Yes, but can you blame her? Q: Some of out Sicilian friends wear hats both indoors and out. Is this some kind of cultural phenomenon I should know about/ A: No. Sicilians wear hats like that so that they will know which end to wipe. Q: How should a man let a woman know that her bra is showing? A: If you can see the strap, just snap it. She'll know. Q: I belong to an expensive all-male health club. They require all members to swim in the nude. EWhy is this? A: It's so they will know if a Jew sneaks in. Q: In these liberated times, is it OK for a girl to ask a man to dance? A: How else are fat chicks going to get out on the dance floor? Q: Is there a polite way to tell a guy "no"? I am saving myself for marriage. A: With an attitude like that, you'll be saving yourself for yourself. Q: Is it OK for me to ask to drive a date even if I'm a girl? A: If you drive the car, who's going to blow your date? Q: My prom date is picking me up on his motorcycle. Should I wear my long prom dress, and if so, what else do you recommend? A: Go ahead and wear the long prom dress, but add a jockstrap underneath so you don't whistle at high speeds. Q: My girlfriend wears bras which are impossible to open without "ruining the mood." Can you suggest a method of opening the straps while "maintaining the mood"? A: Weren't you ever a Boy Scout? Be prepared - carry a knife. BTW, a secondary benefit of a knife is that it will help a prudish chick get "in the mood." Q: During sex my boyfriend asks me to blow him, but every time I do, I start to gag, and he winds up losing his erection. Can you offer me a tip as to how to be more effective? A: Try just pretending it's a sucker that squirts. Q: My boyfriend tells me I'm not giving him a proper blowjob. I believe this to be true, because he winces every time i start to suck him. Is there such a thing as blowjob etiquette of which I should be aware? A: Try not using your teeth. Q: I've just started French kissing and need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend.. A: Just swallow it. This will make you even more popular later on. Q: I hate it when a car blocks the crosswalk. Is there a proper way to protest this rude gesture? A: A rock though the windshield usually does the job. Q: Is it considered good manners to clean up the restroom aboard the plane on which you are flying? A: If you want the title "Chambermaid" added to your resume. Q: What is the best way to get a backseat driver to STFU while I am driving? A: Insist on turning around and looking him in the eye while he's talking. Q: If I'm taking my girlfriend to a motel room for the night, what is the proper way to sign the register? A: Mr and Mrs John Doe unless, of course, that is your real name. Q: Is it appropriate for a woman traveling alone to have drinks at the hotel bar or dinner in the restaurant? A: Yep, especially if she's horny. Q: When should a mother start carrying around baby pictures? My wife just had a sonogram, and the fetus is about the size of a jelly bean. She wants wallet sized pictures to show people. A: Let her. At this time the fetus should resemble a lizard. Comment on the family resemblance. Q: A couple I know are planning to adopt a black baby. What should I buy for this child? A: A pacifier that won't squish its nose down any flatter. Q: It has been my experience that pregnant women and parents of newborns lose all sense of humor about their situation. Am I acting incorrectly when I try to lighten things up a little? A: Absolutely not. Dead baby jokes are just fine until the child is several months old and the risk of crib death is still high. Q: An acquaintance of mine gave birth to a mongoloid idiot. Is there an appropriate gift for this occasion? A: 1. Tickets to the next Special Olympics. 2. A condolence card. 3. A coat hanger so that it doesn't happen again. Q: Whatever happened to all those thalidomide babies? A: Car manufacturers use them to test their airbags. Q: Strangers are always handing me their newborn pink bastards to hold. Is there a graceful way I can terminate all this behavior? A: Drop one or two. Q: Some friends take their baby with them everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE they go. Can I break them of this habit? A: Take them scuba diving. Q: My fried stopped by with her newborn to visit me and brought along her newborn baby. She was outraged when I lit up a cigarette. Was I being improper? A: In YOUR house you can do whatever you want, short of lighting the little one on fire. Save THAT for the second visit. Q: My doctor says that I should get rid of out superbly trained Doberman since he is capable of feeling jealousy, and my attack my soon-to-be delivered newborn, which he may attack. A: Consider getting an abortion. Getting pregnant is easy, but training a good attack dog takes years. Q: Our friends have a four year old who sleeps in the same bed with them. Is this healthy? A: Yes, as long as the kid is still a virgin. Q: I have an expectant friend who doesn't really want to have the baby. She keeps saying, "I don't want to buy diapers," and "U didn't plan this" and other negative things. What should I tell her?" A: Remind her that she can always exchange her bundle of joy for a bundle of cash on the black market, and offer to broker the deal for a small fee. Q: My husband is super clumsy, and every time he picks up our newborn, my heart leaps into my throat. Should I communicate my rears to him? A: Yes, but get him to put down the baby first. Q: A girlfriend of mine was looking forward to her firstborn being a baby girl, but now that it turned out to be a boy, how can I cheer her up? A: Tell her her baby really looks gay, then present it with a silver vibrator and a jar of Vaseline. Q: A couple of my friends just had their first baby, but it was unplanned. What can I give them that would congratulate them anyway? A: How about a box of Trojans? Q: Some friends want to tell their impending baby the tale of the stork, but I think that spreading the stork lie could harm the kid's psyche. What do you think? A: Mr Stork is a lie? Q: My friends just lost their first baby in a particularly difficult delivery. What would be an appropriate condolence present I could give to them? A: How about a dead puppy? Q: Today's "feeling" man describes the birth process as a "feeling" process which he understands. How can I make my husband truly understand? A: See if he can pull his lips over his head. Q: When should a father stop undressing in front of his daughter? A: When she starts giving him a hardon, or she starts wanting to play with his Cabbage Patch snake. Q: My husband wants to videotape the birth of our first child. Is this appropriate? A: Sure, but if he instead recorded you two fucking like crazy, it would be much more interesting to watch, and you might make some bucks of selling the recording, to boot. Q: I know this probably doesn't belong in a discussion about etiquette, but our pediatrician has AIDS. Can my son catch it from him? A: Of course, but it would be much more preferable for him no to let the doctor buttfuck him in the first place. Q: Why all the jokes about my growing a bald spot? I don't tell chicks that they're flat chested or have thunder thighs, or whatever. A: Why hold back? Q: Why should blind people wear sunglasses indoors? A: Who is going to tell them they're inside a building if you don't? Q: I am handicapped - paralyzed from the waist down. What should I do when a woman enters the room? A: Throw yourself on the floor. Q: My husband's a doctor, and patients are always calling in the middle of the night with the most incredibly trivial and minor complaints. What can I do that will stop all of this? A: Get an answering machine and record the message, "Start with your billing address before you state your ailment." Q: I do volunteer work at the local hospital, and would like to throw a party for the terminally ill AIDS patients. What should I serve? A: Kool-AIDS. Q: My lover has AIDS, and is in the terminal ward at the hospital. What should I bring to him that can cheer him up? A: Something perishable, like fruit salad. Q: A friend of ours, a former champion equestrian, is now in the hospital with lung cancer. He led such an active life. What can I give him that will cheer him up? A: I know! How about a saddle for his iron lung? Q: My cousin recently had to have a colostomy, and now she has to wear this little shit storage bag. What can I give her to cheer her up? A: How about a pair of nice matching shoes? Q: My cousin suffered a serious concussion and may have brain damage. What gift can I give him the may make his hospital stay more comfortable? A: Mr Potato Head. Q: I am well known as being a bit of a klutz. But my sick friend is in ICU, and is afraid to have me visit him in the hospital because I might trip over the cords to his life-support machine. A: Can you blame him? Q: Why do some people get so rude about my husband's upcoming hemorrhoids operation? They wouldn't think it was so funny if he were having open-heart surgery. A: True, but he is not. There's a big difference between an affair of the heart and a pain in the ass. Q: Is it proper to place my false teeth on the nightstand at bedtime? A: Yes, if you're about to give a gum job. Q: My grandfather is hard of hearing and assumes that everyone else is, too. Should I say something to him? A: No, you should shout something to him. Q: My mother has been diagnosed as having Alzheimer's Disease, and is increasingly unable to care for herself. Whose responsibility is it to find a nursing home for her? A: Why do you care? She's not going to remember who put her there. Q: Our mother will be eighty next week, but has a weak heart. Can you think of a fun way to observe this occasion? A: If she's well off, throw a surprise party. Q: I drive these two ancient old sisters around on their errands twice a week. One of them keeps eying me and staring at me. What is the polite way for me to deal with this problem? A: Don't knock a gum job till you''you've tried it. Q: Those terrible old bag ladies who are always panhandling really bug me. What do you suggest for getting them to leave me alone? A: Try a can of gasoline and a Bic lighter. Q: We are planning a seventieth birthday party for my dad, who has emphysema. At his age, would it still be proper to have candles on his birthday cake? A: Sure. Go for the joke and use self-relighting candles and see how long it takes him to pass out. Q: My father and I both smoke, but he was recently diagnosed as having lung cancer. Should I refrain from smoking in his presence? A: You don't have cancer yet, why should YOU suffer? Q: I carry a lighter on me to light the cigarettes of hot chicks I happen to meet. Is this a good idea? A: Do you carry tampons, too? Q: Is it impolite to eavesdrop? A: Only if you get caught. Q: I enjoy dunking cookies and doughnuts in my coffee. Is this acceptable behavior? A Yep. I enjoy dunking small kittens in the bathtub. Q: My fiancee has terrible body odor. Should I tell him, to use a more powerful deodorant, or what? A: He sounds like he's Italian. Tell him to change his underwear more than just once a week. Q: I absolutely detest the loud blaring of rap "music" coming from the large radios, usually being played by a group of young, black thugs. Shouldn't this type of audible offense be prohibited? A: Sure thing. YOU tell them. Q: Yesterday I was introduced to a double amputee (his arms) and was genuinely mortified when I instinctively went to shake his hand.. Is there a proper way to handle such a situation? A: Yes. Pat his right stump gently and, while suppressing a shudder of revulsion, say, "Pleased to meet you." Q: At what age should you start addressing a woman as "Mrs." instead of "Miss"? A: When she appears too old to bag a husband. Q: Most of my friends have answering machines, but most of hem have obnoxiously long messages. What message would you suggest? A: "What do you want?" BEEP. Q: When should I say, "Excuse me," and when should I say, "Pardon me"? A: Use "Pardon me" when addressing a governor and "Excuse me" to everyone else. Q: What's the difference between a "vase" and a "vahz"? A: About fifty bucks. Q: Do I send a thank you not to a woman after sleeping with her? It was a one-night stand. A: Only if she swallowed. Two old winos compared funds, and when they realized that they only had had thirty five cents between them, conceived a scheme to get drinks without having to pay for them. After ordering three or four drinks, Joe would stand up and Larry would drop to his knees, unzip Joe's pants, then begin sucking on the hot dog Joe had concealed therein. As expected, the disgusted bartender would throw the faggots out of his bar, overlooking their bill. This ploy worked well, so they repeated it at seven different bars. Larry called a halt to the proceedings by announcing that his knees were bruised and could take no more. Joe said, "You think YOU'VE got it bad. We lost the hotdog after the second bar!" Q: Do you know the difference between a cocksucker and a ham sandwich/ A: No? Then come over to my place tomorrow and join me for lunch. Three nuns were walking along and the first began gesturing with both her hands and describing the large grapefruits she had seen in the market. The second one gesticulated about the huge bananas she had seen. The third nun, a little deaf, said "Father who?" The little boy was sitting on the curb and crying, when an old man walked up to him and said, "Little boy, why are you sitting on the curb and crying?" The little boy answered, "Because I can't do what the big boys do with their penises." The old man sat down next to him and began crying also. The judge came home from court and found his wife in bed with another man. "What are you DOING?" he asked. The wife turned to the man in bed with her and said, "You see? I told you he was stupid." The lawyer died and (amazingly) went to Heaven where he immediately pleaded, "Your Honor! I am too young to die! I am only 47 years old!" St Peter consulted his ledger and said, "According to your own time sheets, you're 93 years old!" Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant that a Japanese lawyer and a Jewish chef formed? A: It is called So-Sue-Me. Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three piece suit? A: Will the defendant now rise. Did you hear about the time it got so cold that lawyers were putting their hands in their OWN pockets? Q: Why do lawyers like to play golf? A: It's the only time they get to dress like pimps. Q: What do you get when you cross an Irish lawyer with a Jewish lawyer? A: An alcoholic who buys his booze wholesale. Daffynition: Alimony - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. A midget who was being tried for rape pleaded that he was not entirely to blame for the rape. "How do you explain that?" the judge asked. "Because a bunch of my friends put me up to it." Q: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs in court? A: Sue. Q: How did the young faggot decide to become a lawyer? A: He got sucked into it. Q: What is a successful lawyer's idea of mass transit? A: The ferry to Martha's Vineyard. Q: How can you spot a poor lawyer? A: He's the one driving a domestic car. Q: Overcrowded subways and buses are breeding grounds for lascivious gropes and pokes. What definitive was can a girl prevent such behaviors? A: Yell out, "Keep your filthy hands off me or I'll cut off your balls!" Q: When leaving my hotel, I am usually accosted by the burly doorman who seems to expect a tip for hailing a taxi. Should I give him something even when taxis are lined up down the block, and all he has to do is just wave his arm? A: No, but be careful in New York City, where doormen beat up people like you. Q: Under what circumstances is it considered proper to give a taxi driver directions? A: If he's too drunk to drive. Q: How many Irish lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to drink until the room starts to spin. Q: Why can lepers never become a Senior Partner? A: They go to pieces under pressure. Q: What do you get when you sleep with a judge? A: Honorable discharge. Q: What did the future lawyer scream when he was his schoolhouse burning? A: "My HOMEWORK!" Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is a starving Ethiopian? A: He's the one who wears his Rolex around his neck. Q: How can you spot a woman malpractice lawyer? A: She's the one who puts a condom on her vibrator. Q: How is a woman lawyer like a bank? A: She loses interest the moment you withdraw your assets. A lawyer is an expert on justice to the same degree a prostitute is an expert on love. Q: What is a lawyer's definition of chutzpah? A: Murdering your own parents and then throwing yourself on the mercy of the court...as an orphan. Q: Where do lawyers live? A: In legal pads. Bumpersnicker: I AM A LAWYER PLEASE HIT ME. Did you hear about the lawyer who was so shrewd he got a driver's license for Stevie Wonder? Daffynition - Lawyer: Someone who helps you get what's coming to him. Q: What is the definition of a "court"? A: That's where they dispense with justice. Q: Did you hear about the chick who sent out 500 cards that said, "Guess Who?" A: She's a divorce lawyer. Q: Why did the aspiring lawyer fail his bar exam? A: He thought that anti-trust was a chastity belt. Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk in the roadway and a dead lawyer? A: The skunk has skidmarks in front of it. Q: Why does the state have to impose a penalty for laughing in the courtroom? A: Otherwise, the jury would never get to hear the evidence. Yuppie lawyers don't cry, they just Saab.