"Suzy! The man next to me is jerking off!" hissed the blonde to her likewise girlfriend, sitting on her other side. "Just ignore him," her friend advised. "I can't! He's using my hand!" Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties on backwards? A: She gets her ass chewed out. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is really conceited? A: She screams out her own name when she comes. Q: Why won't blondes drink beer on the beach? A: Because they're afraid they'll get sand in their Schlitz. Q: Why do blondes get excited when the speed up to 65 miles per hour? A: Because they know at 69 they get to blow a rod. A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer. "Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender. "Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?" Q: What is the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde? A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the metal detector at the airport. Q: What did the blonde do to prevent getting raped? A: She beat off her attacker. Two homely brunettes, Edith and Alma, were perplexed by how their laundry often got rained on when hung out to dry, while their beautiful blonde neighbor Buffy's never was hung out on rainy days. So they asked her what her secret was to fortelling the weather. "Well," Buffy said, "I look over at my boyfriend Biff's penis. If it is slung over his left leg, it will rain. If it slung over his right leg, it won't rain." "So," Alma smirked, "what do you do on the days he has a hardon?" "On all of those days," she replied with a smile, "I don't have time to do the laundry." Q: Did you hear about the blonde who went to the beach to have fun? A: She was told to leave after the lifeguard caught her going down for the third time. Q: What do blondes call it when you pull off their pantyhose? A: Foreplay. Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde? A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick. Q: What is a blonde's definition of a hijacker? A: A handjob on an airplane. Q: What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars? A: More head room. Q: What do you call a beautiful, huge-boobed blonde lesbian? A: Bitch. TEN REASONS WHY WOMEN THINK COOKIE DOUGH IS BETTER THAN MEN 1. It's enjoyable hard or soft. 2. It makes a mess, too, but tastes better. 3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it. 4. You always want to swallow. 5. It won't complain if you share it with friends. 6. It's quick and convenient. 7. You can enjoy it more than once. 8. It comes already protectively wrapped. 9. You can make it as large as you want. 10. If you don't finish it, you can save it for later. Q: How do you keep a blonde from biting her nails? A: Make her wear shoes. A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a triple Jack." "What's the occasion?" the bartender asks. "I just became the father of twins." "Wow! I'll bet your wife is really excited!" "She will be when she finds out." Two convicts, freshly escaped from prison, stop by a stream to take a leak. The bigger guy pulls out a monster and starts to piss. The smaller convict, a faggot, says, "Whoa! What's your name?" "Ben Brown," comes the deep voice of the larger con. Immediately the small fruity con faints dead away. When the larger one finishes his business, he flicks water on the little guy's face to revive him. "What," said small queer, "did you say your name was?" "Ben Brown." "Oh my God! I thought you said, 'Bend Down.'" A boy bagging groceries at the checkout counter says to a customer, "Boy, you're just about ugliest woman I've ever seen." "Young man!" she snaps, "I didn't come here to be insulted!" "Really? Where do you usually go?" A cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Okay, which one of you assholes painted my horse's balls yellow?" A mean 6'8" gunfighter walks up and say, "I did." "Oh," the cowboy swallowed. "I just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry." Johnny, now grown and 21, comes home from college for a visit. His younger sister, 10 years old, says, “Johnny lets play doctor!” Johnny replies, “Nah, but if you spit that gum out, we can play Whitehouse Intern.” Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says, “Would you like to see my new puppy?” The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.” Q: What did Michael Jackson say to another pedophile? A: "I'll give you two fives for a ten." The police in San Antonio Texas asked a Pedophile how many little girls had he raped? The Pedophile replied, "Do you want me to include illegal aliens?" Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.” “Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me smash your old useless dick with a hammer.” Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?" "Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!" Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile. Q: What did the Pedophile say to the 10-year-old little girl after licking her anus for 30 minutes? A: OK, Honey, this side is done...roll over. Q: What does a pedophile do after raping a 12 year old deaf, dumb, and blind girl? A: Breaks her fingers so she can’t tell her mom. Q: Why do Pedophiles prefer to eat little girls' pussies? A: Because they don’t smell yet. During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is." Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? A: The little boy in the trunk of Michael Jackson's car. Q: What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? A: Before the First Period. Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again." A honeymooning couple sit down at a table in their hotel's restaurant. When the waiter comes to their table, the blonde bride says, "You know what I like, don't you, sweetheart?" "Yeah, I do. But we gotta eat sometime." A beautiful women went to see a new psychiatrist and confessed, "Doc, I have this strange compulsion to fuck all of my employers." "Ah," he said, "You must be my new receptionist." A young man from Portland goes to Chicago to study untertaking, his new profession. A month later he calls his father and says, "Hey, Pop! I just had a really exciting experience." "What could be exciting about mortician work?" his father says. The kid replies, "Good question. We got a pickup call from a hotel and they told us they had a couple who had both died in the middle of having sex. So the mortician grabbed his black suit, high hat, and gold tipped cane and away we went. When we got to the hotel we got into the elevator and proceeded to the correct floor. The mortician turned the doorknob and, with a touch of class, pushed open the door with that gold tipped cane. The couple were lying on the bed, side-by-side, and the man had a huge erection. The mortician knew this was problematic, so walked up and whacked the erection a good one with his cane." "So, what's so exciting about that?" "Well," says the son, "That's when the excitement started. We were in the wrong room." The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a policeman. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." Q: What is the best thing about being a husband? A: You get to screw the boss. Q: What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia? A: Tide. Q: How do you recognize a prostitute from Phuket? A: She's the one wearing fishnet. Q: Did you hear about the new diet craze sweeping SE Asia? A: They're calling it Swimfast. It has been common practice for years in Indonesia for natives to do their bathing at sea. They would actually take a bar of soap, hop in the nearest boat and paddle out to sea to clean up. Times are changing, however, and it now appears that they have no problem washing up on shore. Apparently, a bar owner in Phuket was interviewed on how his business was doing over the last week or so. He answered, "It's been very quiet, but some of the regulars are starting to drift back in." One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is," Bob explains. The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." Q: Why have so many SE Asian sharks been stricken with diarrhea? A: They've been eating Thai food all month. Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier, Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!" On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft pilot replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference...If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." A marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby but on the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the squad leader anxiously asked the Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier. Seeing each other we both took cover." "What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that Saddamy Hussein was a rotten low life slug, and he yelled back, 'Hanoi John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hitlery Clinton are miserable slimeballs'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us." An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. She said, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it." Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it." Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?" So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man." George said, "The second time is even better than the first time. Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?" George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes." When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!" George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes." Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a nigger bitch, she stole my wallet." One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off." A Cuban communist asked his small son, "What do you want to be when you grow up - a party official, a policeman, a fireman, a doctor, a soldier?" "I want to be a foreigner!" A naked old whore walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. "OK, but it genuinely looks like you won't be able to pay for it." The whore pointed to her well-used, flabby-lipped pussy, and said, "Will this do?" blinking her long, false eyelashes at him. "Don't you have anything smaller?" Three married couples decided, independently, to join the local Catholic church. The priest eagerly greeted them and told them that, as a test, the couples would have to abstain from any sexual activity for 30 days. They left and returned a month later. The priest asked the elderly couple if they had succeeded. They had no difficulty. He then asked the middle-aged couple if they were successful in enduring the sufferings the Catholic church had in store for them. They answered him that the first two weeks were particularly difficult, but they had managed. He last asked the newly-wed young couple if they were successful in their prescribed course of suffering. "It was rocky going until my wife dropped a can of paint on the second day," the young man answered. "A can of PAINT??" the priest exclaimed. "Yeah. She dropped a can of paint on the floor and when I saw her firm young ass pushing proudly against those jeans, I tore them off and promptly horse-fucked her right then and there." "Well!" said the priest. "I hope you realize that this means you won't be welcome in the Catholic church!" "Yep. We are no longer welcome at Home Depot, either." A man was crying into his beer inside a bar when the chap next to him asked, "What's the matter, buddy?" "I had it all - money, a fancy house, a luxury car, the love of a beautiful woman - and now it's all gone." "So, what happened?" He answered, "My wife found out. Now she has it all." A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk." "Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I am glad I came." A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!" Two women came before the wise King, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said the king, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of your daughters shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said the wise king. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." Q: What has a 500 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row at an N SYNC concert. Q: How do Montanan teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass? A: Most satisfactory. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with an elephant? A: A three-quarter ton pickup. Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats? A: Because they can get away with it. Q: What are a blonde's three lies? A: 1. You're the best. 2. You're the biggest. 3. It doesn't always smell that way. Q: What do you get when you turn three naked blondes upside down? A: Three brunettes. Smith meets O'Flannigan at the local bar and says, "Didn't I hear you won the lottery? What are you going to do with all that money, Patrick?" "Sure and I'll think I'll be spending about 90% of it on booze, broads, and gambling." "Then what," Smith continued, "will you do with the rest?" "I guess I'll just waste it on something." A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and collaborate." The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military. UNDERSTANDING WOMEN I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Playboy. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Choosing a Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. The blonde single mom decided it was time for her son to learn to play baseball, so she went shopping at the local sporting goods store. "How much for this glove?" she asked the young man working sales. "Twenty dollars." "How much for a bat?" "Ten dollars." "OK, I'll take the bat," she decided. "Would you like a ball for that bat?" "No," she answered. "But I'll blow you for the glove." Wanting to put his layover time to good use, the travelling salesman asked the blonde desk clerk at his hotel, "Do you keep stationery?" "Yeah," she answered, "until someone touches my clit, then I go fucking crazy." Q: What is a blonde's greatest unrealized fear? A: Waking up alone. The gynecologist, in examining the blonde waitress, was surprised to come across a teabag. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed, "I wonder what I served my last customer!" Q: What do a convict being sentenced and a blonde about to be deflowered have in common? A: They both know it's going to be hard, and neither knows for how long. Both of the blonde's pet rabbits died, so she took them to a taxidermist for keepsakes and asked that he stuff them. "No problemo," he replied. "Would you like them mounted?" "No. Just holding hands." Q: What does a blonde think her "love handles" are? A: Her ears. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blonde electrician. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever. (Visual Joke) Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. Q: How can you tell which guy is the blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How do you force a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're simple, easy, and they taste good. Q: How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: Why did they call a blonde a "twinkie?" A: Because she likes to be filled with cream. Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Did you hear about the two black guys on "That's Incredible?" A: One had a job, and the other knew his father. Q: How come there are so few black astronauts? A: They don't like saying "Yes Nasa, No Nasa..." Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1:So brunettes can remember them. A2:Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You have to push it aside before you eat. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. A blond guy comes home from work early and finds his wife fucking another guy in bed, and says, "What are you doing?" The wife looks at her lover and says, "See, I told you he was stupid." Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1:"What's a lightbulb?" A2:One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3:Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your buddies. Q: Where do you post pictures of missing transsexuals? A: On cartons of half-and-half. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1:She says, "Next." A2:The next guy in the train taps you on the shoulder. A3:The guy in front of you has had his clothes off for about two minutes. A4:The batteries die. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex. Q: What is the hardest thing about having sex for a blonde? A: Bucket seats. Q: Why does it take brunettes so much longer than blondes to climax? A: Who cares? Q: What is the smallest book in the world? A: The Roster of Blonde Virgins. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. The Blond Man The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks, "Why in the world are you naked like this?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did. "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did. "Then she gets on the bed and spreads her legs wide opening herself up, then looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' "And here I am." Q: Why couldn't the blonde WAVE get pregnant during the gale at sea? A: Because all of the seamen kept falling to the floor. Q: What is a blonde's favorite drink? A: A penis colada. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None - they like screwing in the dark, too. Q: Why did God invent liquor? A: So that brunettes could get laid, too. Q: Why are blondes attracted to Marine sharpshooters? A: Because they heard they have reputations for being crack shots. Q: How did the blonde have legs like the US Army? A: Because they were open to any man between the ages of 18 and 35. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who swallowed a razor blade on Monday? A: By Thursday she had given her priest a hairlip, circumcised her boyfriend, castrated her husband, and given herself a hysterectomy. Q: What is black, crisp, and hangs from the ceiling? A: A do-it-yourself electrician. Q: Why do blondes always use transparent lunch boxes? A: So they can tell whether they are going to or coming from work. The guy's wife asked him, "Honey, will you love me when I'm old and overweight?" "Yes, I do." From wire service reports: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, but the cows started doing more thinking than eating, so quit giving milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many women's studies majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul, & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out," he said. If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants. Q: If a bleached blonde and a natural blonde are on top of a tower, how can you tell which is which? A: The bleached blonde would never throw pieces of bread to helicopters. Q: Why couldn't the blonde pass her bar exam? A: She thought an anti-trust suit was a chastity belt. Q: Did you hear the one about the gay sheriff? A: Fastest gums in the West. Q: What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook? A: "Steal one chicken..." Q: Why do Mexicans eat tamales for Christmas? A: So they can have something to unwrap. Q: What do you call a building full of niggers? A: A jail. Q: Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them. Q: Why don't niggers play hide and seek? A: Because no one but the police will look for them. Q: What did you name the offspring of a blonde and a Mexican? A: Retardo. Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work. Q: What is the only down side of wife swapping? A: Eventually, you get yours back. DAFFYNITION: Nymphomaniac - a no-holes barred kind of date. A man came home unexpectedly for lunch one day, accompanied by a male friend from the office. As they entered the house, they observed the mailman fucking the shit out of man 1's naked wife on the living room floor. Man 1 calmly led man 2 into the kitchen and began preparing two sandwiches. "Holy shit!" man 2 exclaimed, "What about the mailman?" "To hell with him," answered man 1. "Let him make his own sandwich." Carnival Cruise We at Carnival Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise! Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Cushion, Al Franken, Michael Moron, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara "BS" Streisand, Hanoi Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some similar sunny location. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a ticker tape/chad Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any, Rosie. Staffing your voyage is Slick Willie as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz Kerry hopefully will be shoved somewhere in the kitchen supplying ketchup and away from the media. Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl." Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and crockumentary movies will be shown each evening by Michael Moron. Hanoi John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard." Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing. Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience in rescuing people from drowning has proven to be not too successful. Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Suction will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give inspirational talks each afternoon. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hitlery Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage! Q: Why did God give Mexicans noses? A: To have something to pick in the winter time. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Vietnamese? A: A car thief who can't drive. A guy ran into his ex-wife on the street one day and cheerfully told her, "You know, I was with another woman last night, and I kept thinking of you all the while." "Why?" she smiled sweetly. "Because you miss me?" "No. Because it keeps me from coming too fast." A teenage girl told her mother, "I'm pregnant." "How? What have I always taught you about sex?" her mother asked. "That I should take measures," the girl answered. "That's right! You didn't take measures, did you?" "Actually, I did. I went with the biggest one." A man was visiting his father in a nursing home, just as it was bedtime for the residents. He couldn't help but observe the nurse give his dad hot chocolate and a Viagra. "Why are you doing that?" he naturally asked. "The hot chocolate helps him sleep," the nurse answered matter-of-factly. "No, the Viagra!" "Oh," she replied. "That keeps him from falling out of bed." THE RETROSEXUAL MAN OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch yourself, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement... The RETROSEXUAL CODE: A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on National TV. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in to his home, Or a natural disaster, he DEALS WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he sometimes kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live that counts, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap. (Possibly two endcaps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic after he's 30 Years old. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. (Or movie with Hanoi Jane in the cast.) A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a wimpy little wuss, and in the long run, no broad is worth it, and you will no longer be a Retrosexual. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. A Retrosexual is NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with YOU. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey, or a uniform marking him as the hunter of men. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the sissy you might be. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot. And some people richly need killing. Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this or any other case), or loss of a major body part. A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that is the X-rated version that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), any movie with "Conan" or "Terminator" in the title, To Hell and Back, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, We Were Soldiers, The Die Hard series, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, Braveheart, The Last Samurai, The Patriot, etc. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, no, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face. A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and his mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (or a blizzard) without sliding all over, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darn well wanted it to land. Then he will turn the tree into either firewood or paper. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd LT) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer, but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them sincerely for serving their country. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things, we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT! Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican? A: Oil of Ole'. Q: How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A: Very satisfying. There are two Mexicans are talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other,"Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back." The other Mexican replies,"I don't need to worry, because I know Mexican Judo." And the first Mexican asks, "What's Mexican Judo?" The second says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun, Ju don't know if I have a knife. . ." DAFFYNITION: Texan - a Mexican who ran out of gas going to Oklahoma. Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Q: What do cannibals do at a wedding reception? A: They toast the bride and groom. Pete hired two detectives to follow his beautiful wife, who was cheating on him. The duo followed her to a motel where she met her lover. They peered in the motel room window and saw the guy on top of her, fucking the shit out of her. The first detective said, "Let's go in after him." "OK," said the second, "How long do you think it's going to take them to finish?" What a Difference 30 Years makes! 1974: Long hair 2004: Longing for hair 1974: KEG 2004: EKG 1974: Acid rock 2004: Acid reflux 1974: Moving to California because it's cool 2004: Moving to California because it's warm 1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1974: Seeds and stems 2004: Roughage 1974: Hoping for a BMW 2004: Hoping for a BM 1974: The Grateful Dead 2004: Dr. Kevorkian 1974: Going to a new, hip joint 2004: Receiving a new hip joint 1974: Rolling Stones 2004: Kidney Stones 1974: Being called into to the principal's office 2004: Calling the principal's office 1974: Disco 2004: Costco 1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1974: Passing the drivers' test 2004: Passing the vision test Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven? A: If it were more, it would be Hell. Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy? A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks. Joe walks into a store and the babe behind the counter asks him, "What would you like?" "What I'd like," he answers, "is to jump over the counter, tear off all of your clothes with my teeth, and brutally horse fuck you right there on the floor. What I NEED, though, is a pair of socks." Q: Why did the police pull over Janet Jackson? A: Her right headlight was out. Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat. Tuesday you get to vote for President. Wednesday, the lawyers get to decide who won. Why get upset? We've allowed the lawyers to ruin most everything else in American life--from the practice of medicine to the practice of prayer. Might as well let them drive the entire political system over the cliff. Watch out for these new viruses - neither Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as of yet: The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. The LiberAl Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Hanoi John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored memory. The Bob Dole (a/k/a Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back. The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes. The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB. The Ellen Degenerate Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted. The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files. The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? A: When you open her legs the lights go on. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mom. Drinking the new low-carb beer is like making love in a canoe. Both are fucking close to water. Q: What do a rattlesnake and a limp dick have in common? A: You don't fuck with either one. Every day a man went to the diner he would always read the whole menu, but then inevitably order bacon and eggs. Intrigued, the waitress decided to try an experiment to get him to order with a little variety. One day she took a permanent marker and crossed bacon and eggs off the menu before handing it to him. "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?" "Well, then, go wash you hands first, then bring me some bacon and eggs." A little boy ran inside to his mother and cried, "Mommy, Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider." "Why?" she answered, "What do you need a glass of cider for?" "I pricked my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, the mother poured her boy a glass of cider and he promptly put his hand in it. "This cider doesn't work! My hand still hurts!" "What on earth made you think it would work?" she asked. "I overheard my babysitter say that whenever she got a prick in her hand she couldn't wait to get it in cider." I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. my car was parked around the corner and this one had an "Elect John Kerry" bumper sticker on it. I try to have a little fun each day. Q: What's the Cuban national anthem? A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: How does "Hanoi John" Kerry differ from "Hanoi Jane" Fonda? A: A pair of balls, a pair of pants, and 20 years of actually getting to vote AGAINST the U.S. military. Q: What do you call an Montana farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp. Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a woman? A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it. One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I ! said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not the president and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir." Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? A: Because she always gets a frog in her throat at 69. Q: What's six inches long that women love? A: Folding money. Q: What's got four legs and one arm? A: An attack Rottweiler. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: After he eats his first Brownie. Q: Why don't women have any brains? A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in. Q: How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a lesbian? A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. Q: But do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide". The only 2 higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". The increased level was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, thus disabling much of their military. Q: What proof do we have that Superman isn't a Mexican? A: Because if he were, he would steal wheels off air planes. Q: Why do all Mexican cars have hydraulics? A: So that when all the cabbage has been picked, they can then switch to apples. Q: What is the new gay website address? A: c : enter # # # An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he Says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfare." THE FACTS ON HEALTHY LIVING: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . . cocoa beans . . . another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'round' is a shape! Remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand, pretzels in the other -- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a ride!" CONFUCIOUS SAY: Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement. Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak. Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip. Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge. Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs. MEN'S ADVICE FOR WOMEN: Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act as if nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really. However, something from Victoria's Secret is best (see above). Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Q: Why is the average age of the Mexican army 40? A: Because they take them right out of high school. Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a combine? A: It all depends upon how fast you run them through. Q: Why do Mexicans wear sombreros? A: So they have a place to put their tacos while they are stealing your hubcaps. An NEA teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan like all the rest of us?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!" The teacher is angry at his illiberal answer, because this is Taxachusetts, so she asks, "What if your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan." John Kerry visits a school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Hanoi John if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the long-treasonous Senator asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'" "No," says Hanoi John, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy.'" "I'm afraid not," explains Hanoi John. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'." "The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Kerry searches the room and says, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a'tragedy'?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says, "If your campaign plane, carrying you, Mr. Kerry, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that must be a 'tragedy'." "Fantastic!" exclaims Hanoi John. "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?" "Well," says the boy, "it must be because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it obviously wouldn't be an 'accident' either." A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips for you to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. Harold is 95 years old and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, He goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" "SEX!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's." Q: What do you call a group of Mexican paratroopers? A: Air pollution. Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company? A: Taco Bell. Q: What do you call a Mexican hitchiker? A: El Paso. Q: How many cops does it take to arrest a Mexican? A: Ten. One to hold the Mexican and nine to hold the oranges. Q: What did the Mexican kid down the block get for his birthday? A: The bike you threw out three weeks ago. DAFFYNITION: Feel-up - What you ask for at a Mexican gas station. One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The lawyer said, "Yes, you're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall." Q: What do you call a taco with a food stamp inside it? A: A mexican fortune cookie. Q: How do you know how many Mexicans are in a Safeway? A: Count the Chebbys and multiply by 20. Fifty priests died in a bus accident, and all went to the pearly gates where St. Peter said, "I am going to expedite things by only asking you one question. Who among you has molested little boys?" After some introspection and hesitation, 49 hands went up. "OK," St. Peter said. "You all go straight to hell, and take the deaf bastard with you." Q: Why did the Mexican cross the road? A: To get from the gas station to the orange groves. Q: Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls? A: Because they come with birth certificates. Q: What do you call a pregnant Mexican? A: Bean Bag. Q: What do you call an old Mexican woman? A: Bean bag. Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement , Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them. Q: Why do most Mexicans grow moustaches? A: So they can look like their mothers. Q: How do they take a census in Mexico? A: Throw in a bar of soap and count the number of people running away. Q: How do you stop a J.A.P. from fucking you? A: Marry her. Q: Why doesn't the state of Texas electrocute Mexican prisoners anymore? A: Because grease fires are too hard to put out. DAFFYNITION: Queer Jew - one who likes girls more then money. Q: What's the objective of a Jewish football game? A: To get the quarter back. Q: What do you call a Mexican in a two-story house? A: Adopted. Q: What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower? A: Unemployed. Q: Where do you hide cash from a Mexican? A: Under the soap. Q: How can you tell the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding? A: She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice. PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton? Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe Titanic: Jack is a starving artist Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar Clinton: Ditto for Bill Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit Clinton: Let's not go there Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing DAFFYNITION: Diarrhea - A faggot's wet dream. Q: Why don't Muslims eat pork? A: They may be a lot of things, but cannibals they're not. DAFFYNITION: Tender love - two faggots with hemorrhoids. Q: What do you call a queer dentist? A: The Tooth Fairy, of course. Q: How can you tell you're at a gay BBQ? A: The hotdogs taste like shit. Q: What did God give the queer with AIDS for Christmas? A: Cancer. Q: What do you call a Mexican baptismal? A: Bean dip. Q: What do you call the Mexican being baptized? A: Bean dip. Q: What do you call 5000 Mexicans in a swimming pool? A: Bean dip. Q: How do you fit 97 Mexicans in a Chebby? A: Throw in a five dollar bill. Q: How do you get them out? A: Throw in a job application. Q: How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one. But it takes an entire emergency room to remove it. DAFFYNITIONS: Same sex marriage - what you get when homosexual lovers exchange vows. Some sex marriage - what you get when heterosexual lovers exchange vows. The blonde said she couldn't perform jury duty because she didn't believe in capital punishment. "But, my dear," said the lawyer, "This is not a murder trial but rather a civil case where the girlfriend is suing her boyfriend because he gambled away all of the $10,000 he promised to spend on a mink coat for her." "OK," the blonde said. "I'll serve on the jury. I could have been wrong about capital punishment." Good girl's motto - It's hard to be good. Bad girl's motto - It has to be hard to be good. The waitress in a greasy spoon restaurant asked his customer if he were ready to order. "Yes," the man replied, "but first I'd like to know how you prepare your chickens." "Well," answered the waitress, "first off we jest tell them straight out that they are gonna die." A man is walking through the woods and comes to a second man, who is hugging a tree. "Just out of curiosity," the first asks, "what are you doing?" "Exactly what it looks like!" the second responds quite cheerfully, "I am hugging a tree! John Kerry preaches that druidism is great fun! You ought to try it, too!" So the first guy assumes the position. Suddenly the second handcuffs him to the tree in this selfsame position, then methodically strips off every item of his clothing. The second guy is careful to steal the man's watch, ring, wallet, shoes, belt, and anything else of potential value, then leaves. A third guy comes walking up and says, "What happened to you?" The first guy retells his tale of woe and how he was stripped naked and robbed by a John Kerry supporter. "Really?" says the third guy. "What a coincidence. I, too, am a John Kerry supporter, albeit not so much for the druidism as for his honoring of diversity. As far as for you," he says, fingering guy number one's asshole, "this just ain't your day." Q: What was in the heart-shaped locket of the blonde spinster? A: A photo of a candle. Q: Did you hear about the voluptuous blonde stewardess who failed her first probationary scenario field test? A: The instructor told her she would pass next time if, when a male passenger felt faint, she placed his head between her OWN legs. Q: How did the blind blonde pierce her ear? A: By answering the stapler. The man asked his blonde wife, "Uh, dear, that was YOU I made love to out on the balcony during our party last night, wasn't it?" "Hmmm," she answered, "about what time?" Q: What is a blonde's favorite rock group? A: Yes. According to an article in a highly respected women's magazine, the position the female sleeps in says a lot about her: women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular. A blond guy told his pal, "I am going to break up with Muffy." "What did she do to deserve that?" his friend asked. "She told me she is bi-sexual." "Dude! That sounds hot!" his friend answered. "So, what's the problem?" "What's the problem?" the blond guy exclaimed, "Who wants to fuck just twice a year?" Q: What is the only thing that a man has in his pants that a blonde DOESN'T want on her face? A: Wrinkles. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a pit bull? A: Your very last blowjob. Q: How do you say "constipated" in Chinese? A: Hung chow. Bad news: A blonde scheduled two guys to date at the same time and day. Good news: She managed to squeeze both of them in. Q: Why don't blondes water ski? A: Because when their pussies get wet, they automatically fall on their backs. Q: How do asthmatic lesbians breathe? A: In snatches. A wealthy young woman had a wild night of partying, and when she awoke the next afternoon and found herself naked and suffering from a terrible hangover, she rang for her butler. "Jeeves, I blacked out last night. How did I get into bed?" "I carried you upstairs and put you to bed." "And my dress?" "It seemed wrong to let it get wrinkled, so I took it off you and hung it up," he answered. "Then what happened to my underwear?" "I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I took off your bra and panties." "Wow! I must have been really tight!" "Only the first time, madam." WOMEN'S KEYWORDS AND THEIR MEANINGS: FINE: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but when they need to shut you up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is ususally used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the work "fine." GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine." GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised-eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine," and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing." SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "oh" before a statment, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised-eyebrows "go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't write them down. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and in conjunction with a raised-eyebrow "go ahead." At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in plenty of trouble. PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a "that's okay." THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome." THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "thanks." A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really pissed off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you, "Nothing." YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your junior prom had a daycare. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart. If your neighbours think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate. If you've ever been too drunk to fish. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought a tail assembly was the company picnic? Q: What did the blonde say to the man she hadn't seen for decades? A: Undress, I want to see if I recognize you. Did you hear about the blonde who had an extra set of tits on her back? She was very funny to look at, but REALLY fun to dance with. Q: What did the lesbian gas station attendant to the beautiful blonde who came in for gas? A: Mind if I check under your hood? Q: Why do blondes know beauty is more important than brains? A: Because plenty of men are dumb, but few are blind. If hooking up all Iraqi prisoners' scrotums to car battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say: 1. Red is positive. 2. Black is negative. June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY- Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high. We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler." The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed." Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune." Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored but so far, remains unproven. Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up." Q: What is the difference between a blonde fox and a blonde pig? A: About 8 beers. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her partner before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can but this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" 2004 Democratic National Convention -- Official Program 6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony. 6:05pm - Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations 6:10pm - Secular words by Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton 6:30pm - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand. 6:45pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:00pm - Tribute theme to France. 7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund. 7:30pm - Tribute theme to Germany. 7:45pm - Anti-American pro-terrorist rally moderated by Michael Moore. 8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:30pm - Islamofascist appeasement workshop. 9:00pm - Homosexual marriage ceremony for male and female couples. 9:30pm - CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN urge defeat of President Bush. 10:00pm - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins 10:10pm - Reenactment of Kerry's fake medal toss. 10:20pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!' 10:30pm - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L. 10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:50pm - Special support thanks to the New York Times & Washington Post. 11:00pm - Multiple homosexual marriage ceremony for threesomes and groups. 11:15PM - Maximizing Welfare through socialism workshop. 11:30pm - Saddam Legal Defense Fund pep rally. 11:50PM - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:00pm - Nomination of Democratic candidate. NEW: 5:00am - Ted Kennedy Will Conduct a Swimming and Water safety Class A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending soldiers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans. God Bless America! Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1:Introduces herself. A2:Walks home. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "What happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak! both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "sssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the he postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty," reported the parrot. "Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." Q: What is the worst thing a mother can say to her child? A: I should have swallowed you. Pete: "I'm dating a midget." Bill: "How do you have sex with her?" Pete: "It's easy. We get naked, I put her on my lap, then just bob her up and down." Bill: "That doesn't sound too bad." Pete: "It's great! It's just like jerking off, only I have someone to talk to." Jason was happily soused and was showing his apartment to a couple of his friends. He ushered them into his bedroom and showed them a huge brass gong. "What the fuck's up with the big brass gong?" one of his pals asked. "That's not a gong," Jason answered, "that's a talking clock." "Really? How's it work?" "Watch," Jason said. He promptly picked up a sledge hammer and struck the monstrous gong a loudly resonating tone. Suddenly, from the other side of the thin apartment wall a man's voice yelled, "Hey, asshole! It's ten after three in the morning!" Q: Why should a man always hold his wife's hand? A: Because the second he lets go, she'll go shopping. Q: Did you hear about the gay psychic? A: He always knew what was coming. A three-year-old boy taking a bath examined his penis and asked, "Mommy, is this my brain?" "Not yet, honey," his mother replied. A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my cock." he replies. "Great, then pour me some!" If little girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice," why do they taste like tuna? Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President: Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women. Even now look at him....his wife works, and he don't! Plus, he gets a check from the government every month." In other news, several manufacturers announced today other products developed in Clinton's honor: Grocery stores across America will be stocking shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom. Finally, the legal community is rallying around Clinton by revising the judicial oath to: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Funny and **TRUE** Sheriff Joe Arpieo (in Arizona): He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs. He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them - this is a good one - "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back." He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape and he pipes them into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place. {You have to love this guy!} With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane." Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes. So shut your damned mouths." Another allegedly TRUE one: David Letterman: How do we know what's in your film [Fahrenheit 9/11]is true? Michael Moore (the Leni Riefenstahl for the Democrats): Because I got most of my information from The New York Times. Audience: (Wild laughter) Letterman: (Strains to repress laughing) Moore: What's so funny? The Fairy Godmother asked Cinderella if she needed anything else. Cinderella told the Fairy Godmother there was one more thing she needed. She said it was getting that time of the month and she needed a tampon. The Fairy Godmother saw a pumpkin and turned it into a tampon. The Fairy Godmother told Cinderella to be home by 12:00 or it would be very painful. 12:30 came along and Cinderella still wasn't home. The Fairy Godmother started getting real worried at 1:00. Finally, about 1:30am, Cinderella came home. She was real happy. The Fairy Godmother said, "Why are you so happy, didn't that hurt?" Cinderella said "Well, at first it did but I had a streak of luck ... I happened to run into this guy. I'm sure you know him, his name was Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater..." Mrs. Jones was teaching her first graders one day, and she decides to test their knowledge of the alphabet. "I'm going to pick someone in the class," she said, "to give me a word that starts with the letters of the alphabet in order." Dirty Johnny immediately sticks his arm up with an evil grin on his face. "Oh, no," thought Mrs. Jones. "I can think of SEVERAL naughty words Johnny could say, so I'd better call on Little Suzie ..." So Little Suzie starts the class off with "apple." But, for each letter, Evil Johnny had his hand up, and Mrs. Jones could think of a naughty word Johnny had in mind. Finally, they get to "R", and no one but Evil Johnny raises their hands. "Well," thought Mrs. Jones, "I can't think of anything very terrible that starts with 'R', so I guess I'll call on Dirty Johnny." She calls on Johnny. Johnny stands up and recites "'R' is for RAT.....you know what I mean, a big fucking RAT with a cock this long..." A man circled a help wanted ad in his Boston newspaper for a position that was entitled "pussy shaver." He phoned the number on the ad and asked for specifics. "Well," said the man on the line, "We run an adult video making company, and we need someone to shave the models so they have bald pussies. Are you single?" "Yep," he answered. "Good. We've had no luck with married men who do the work because their wives quickly divorce them. Are you intimidated by extremely gorgeous sexpots?" "On the contrary," he answered. "I am powerfully attracted to them and they to me." "Great. You sound perfect for the job. Can you be in New York City on Monday morning?" "New York City! The ad said you were in Boston!" "We are. But the line of interviewees stretches all the way to New York." A man went to his dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist examined him and promptly pronounced that he was going to have to extract the tooth. "Do whatever you have to Doc. I can't stand any more pain." When his dentist produced a large needle on the end of dose of novocaine, the man said, "Oh no! I can't tolerate needles! Could you use some other method to deaden the pain?" "Sure," replied his dentist. "I'll just use nitrous oxide gas instead." "No, you can't! I'm allergic to laughing gas!" The dentist then went into the other room and came back with a glass of water and two large Viagras. "What the fuck, Doc. Will Viagras relieve my pain?" "Hell no, but with the options you left me, they will at least give you something to grip while I pull your tooth." Q: What's the difference between a wife and a wheeled garbage bin? A: You only have to take out garbage bin once a week. Q: What did the sign on the whorehouse door say? A: We're Closed. Beat It! Q: Why do women have small feet? A: So they can stand closer to the oven. One day Johnny and his father were walking along and they see two dogs fucking on the corner. Johnny asks his dad, "What are they doing, Pop?" His dad replies, "Son, they're making a puppy." Later that evening, Johnny passes his parents' bedroom and sees them having sex. Johnny asks, "What's going you doing, Pop?" The father replies, "Son, we're making you a baby brother." Johnny objects, "Well, flip her over! I'd rather have a puppy." The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, lipstick on his cheek, and his dick was hanging out of his unzipped pants. "I assume," she snarled, "that there must be a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "Just one," he replied. "Breakfast." The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."