The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt? This Scottish lad and lass are sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They're silent for a while until the girl says, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad looks a bit abashed, but he finally says, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee piece of your ass." Smiling, the lass slowly strips and fucks the shit completely out of him. Afterwards he again lapses into a pensive mood, until eventually she asks him, "What are ye thinkin' now?" The lad replies, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny." Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie? A: It's about a girl whose clitoris is in her ear ... it's called: "Cum Again?" One queer visited another in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked the other man lying in the bed. "They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids." "My God!" gasped the visitor, "A complete hysterectomy!" A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines." Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant idea. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!" He went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joe's fly. They then went to a nearby bar. "Two beers," said Bruce to the bartender. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe's fly. "Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!" the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers. "I just can't do this anymore," Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We'll have to swap places." "We can't," said Joe. "We lost the sausage after the third bar." A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" Q: Why are hangovers better then women? A: Hangovers go away. Dirty Johnny was in grade three. The teacher was discussing weather science. She asked the class if anyone knew what was on top a weather vane. Only Johnny raised his hand. She didn't want to ask him because she knew he would think of something "dirty" to say. However, he WAS the only kid with a raised arm. So, she acknowledged him. "Johnny, what is on top of a weather vane?" she asked. "A cock," Johnny replied. "Very good," the teacher cringed. "And, Johnny, do you know why there is a cock on top of a weather vane?" "Yeah, sure," Johnny said. "`cause if it were a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!" Little Johnny came running into the house crying his eyes out and cradling his hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom. "I pricked my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away," said Little Johnny. Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined Little Johnny. "What are you talking about?" asked his increasingly perplexed parent. "Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!" TEN THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN: 1. Do they have a mute button? 2. Do they cook? 3. Do they clean? 4. Do they wash? 5. Do they iron? 6. Do they fuck like a pro? 7. Are their breasts big enough? 8. Do they swallow? 9. Do they swallow? 10. Do they swallow? SEX STYLES: The Teabagging (n) The all time classic maneuver of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead while she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase- "Who's Your daddy?" The Houdini (n) Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to cum, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it. The Angry Dragon (n) Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up, she'll look like an angry dragon. Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch (n) The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favorite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends. Dirty Sanchez (n) A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez. The Donkey Punch (n) Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate. The Flaming Amazon (n) This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz! The Flying Camel (n) A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move. The Screwnicorn (n) When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn. The Zombie Mask (n) While getting head from your favorite, non suspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead. Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below. Q1.A woman whispers, "Fuck me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously: A.Short-sighted. B.Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification. C.Begging for it D.A recording. Q2.In the company of feminoids, coitus should be referred to as: A.Sex. B.Fucking. C.Enclosure. D.The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town. Q3.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A.Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B.Your blood-test results. C.A cab. D.Five tequila slammers. Q4.You time your orgasm so that: A.Your partner climaxes first. B.You both climax simultaneously. C.You don't miss Sportsnight. D.The director can set up for a close-up. Q5.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A.Strictly for cats. B.Healthy, creative love-play. C.Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. D.Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about. Q6.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A.The best part of the experience. B.The second best part of the experience. C.A loathsome chore. D.$100 extra. Q7.Your girlfriend says she's gained four pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: A.No concern of yours. B.No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend. C.No problem--she can join your gym. D.A conservative estimate. Q8.Today's sensitive, caring man is: A.An ideal to which you aspire. B.A myth. C.An oxymoron. D.A moron. Q9.Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you: A.Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..." B.Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..." C.Take her to the abortion clinic. D.Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her. Q10.A prostitute is: A.A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression. B.Someone who provides an essential service. C.A cheap date. D.A valued employee. Q11.A wife is: A.A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression. B.Someone who provides an essential service. C.A cheap date. D.A valued employee. Q12.Masturbation is: A.Sex with someone you love. B.A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones. C.A team sport. D.A cheap date. Q13.How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm? A.When she drops her nail file. B.When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform. C.When the Earth moves D.Who cares? Q14.It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you: A.Call her. B.Call your lawyer. C.Call your doctor. D.Call your wife. Q15.Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy: A."Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..." B."You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep..." C."I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..." D."Another consonant please, Vanna..." Q16.You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect: A.An overdraft. B.A blow job. C.A thank-you letter. D.Her to pay next time. Q17.You call your penis: A.On its birthday. B.Massive. C.John Holmes. D.Crackers. Q18.Foreplay is to sex as: A.Priming is to painting. B.Appetizer is to entree. C.Preview is to movie. D.A waiting line is to an amusement park ride. Q19.The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is: A.Free Lorena Bobbitt. B.Free Mike Tyson. C.Free Willy. D.Free condom with this survey. Q20.During sex you: A.Talk of love. B.Talk dirty. C.Haggle. D.Talk on the phone. Q21.Your local mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are: A.Outraged. B.Implicated. C.Jealous. D.A Republican anyway. Q22.A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is: A.Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. B.Easier. C.Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. D.A tricky defense in court. Q23.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A."I hope we can still be friends." B."Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you." C."I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..." D."Keep the change." Q24.At what point do you put on the condom?: A.Before you go out. B.Before you pass out. C.As a party trick. D.Never. Birth control is a woman's responsibility. Q25.You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you: A.Talk through her anger. B.Ask her to put down the offensive weapon. C.Ask her to put down the knife. D.Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it. Q26.Any woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A.Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B.May need glasses. C.Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. A.Is uptight and a waste of time. SCORING: Mostly "A," wuss; mostly "B," boy; mostly "C," man; mostly "D," Real Man. Life is like a shit sandwich...The more bread you have, the less shit you have to swallow. Jesse Suction got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and saw a white band just above his eyes to the top of his head. Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him that he needed to come to his office immediately. Upon examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink. Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit to which the doctor replied, "It is, Jesse. You were just a quart low." The 4 Stages of Life: 1) You believe in Santa 2) You don't believe in Santa 3) You ARE Santa 4) You LOOK like Santa You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ============================================ Democrat Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. ============================================ Republican Answer: BANG! ============================================ Libertarian Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?? ============================================ Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. Q: Why does a blonde always drive a BMW? A: Because they can spell it. First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing'." After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing. A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Bruce, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bruce." Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A1: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." [Depending on your viewpoint.] Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of her head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A1: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A2: There's writing on the white-out. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: When does a brunette have half a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there. There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'" It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, 'That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer." And Harry says "How can you tell?" George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless." That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer." A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. --Benjamin Franklin. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," says the boy. "Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." Q: What has an IQ of 200? A: Africa. Q: What's the worse thing about dating a blonde? A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth. Q: What's the best thing about dating a blonde? A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!" At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, then all you need's a TV!" A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." Cleotius calls his boss in the morning: "Yo, boss I can't be comin' to work today -- I'm really motherfuckin' sick. I gots a headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt. I can't be comin' to work." The boss says: "You know Cleotius, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Cleotius calls back: "Boss, I done did what yo' said and I feel out-motherfuckin'-standing, I bees at work soon. And by the way, yo' gots a nice crib, dude." Three New Hampshire surgeons were having lunch together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon around. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later, he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a neck tie. He's now going to get the Democrat nomination for President of the United States." A little girl walked into the petshop and asked, "Exuse me, mister, do you have little rabbits?" The store owner smiled and asked, "Do you want a white bunny, a black long-haired bunny, or that cute little brown bunny over there?" "I don't think my pet python really gives a shit." "Advice For Young Girlfriends" Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay?" A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Q: Do you know why they named it the "wonder bra?" A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced. Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson? A: "The African Queen." Q: How will the airport ensure that Michael Jackson gets a thorough body search? A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it. Q: How are Michael Jackson's friends like U.S. veterans? A: They all get fucked in the end. Q: What's Michael's Jackson's favorite dish? A: Creamed shrimp. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Catholic school nuns have in common? A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from? A: Anal retention. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Q: What's sex like for Michael Jackson? A: Like candy from a baby. Q: What's Michael Jackson's next movie? A: Honey I Blew the Kid. Q: What's the difference between a racing jockey and Michael Jackson? A: A jockey can mount 3 year olds legally. A man walked in to a dentist's office and asked, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." "Well, then," said the dentist, "what you need is a psychiatrist, not a dentist." "I know." "Then why in the flying fuck," yelled the dentist, "did you come in to MY office?" "The light was on." Luigi, who drove a cab in New York, was daydreaming when he ran over a delivery guy on a bicycle. "What the hell!" said the downed bicyclist. "Are blind as well as being an asshole?" "What the fuck do you mean, blind?" Luigi answered in his best New York fashion. "I fucking hit you, didn't I?" Perfect Day for a Woman: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh 5 lb.lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor café. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:00 Shopping with friends. 3:00 Nap. 4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing. 10:00 Hot shower. Alone. 10:30 Make love. 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man: 6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lbs. 5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 7:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip steak. 9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45 Go to bed. 11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 11:55 Fall asleep, laughing. A man came home from work and told his wife, "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?" "Tell me the good news." "I got $25,000 in severance pay." "That is good news!" she said. "What's the bad news?" "It's what got severed." A man and wife go to a marriage counselor, who began the dialogue with the opener, "See if there is a one characteristic you can honestly say you share." "Well," said the man, "neither one of us sucks dick." Question posed by Glamour Magazine: If you could be a woman for a day, what would you do first? Best Response: "I'd get naked and check myself out." --Scott Karpinsky Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. --Tiger Woods The Food and Drug Administration has just announced the following drugs have been released for trial in the US. These are the newest medications for women, available only by prescription: D A M I T O L -Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. P E P T O B I M B O -Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D U M E R O L -When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F L I P I T O R -Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N -Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A -Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength B U Y-O N E-A L -When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J A C K A S S P I R I N -Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T -A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S E X C E D R I N -More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. R A G A M E T -When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. An old plumber went to his customer's house and knocked on her door. Inside, a parrot said, "Who is it?" "It's the plumber, lady," he answered. A few seconds later again the parrot said, "Who is it?" The plumber, really pissed, said, "It's the plumber, lady!" "Who is it?" Again, the parrot. Totally enraged, "IT'S THE PLUMBER, LADY!" "Who is it?" One more time from the bird. The plumber turned bright red, clutched his chest, and then dropped dead of a heart attack. When the old lady of the house returned home and espied the dead man on her porch, she said, "I wonder who this is lying dead at my front door?" "It's the plumber, lady." A drunk asked a bartender, "Who did you vote for in the last election?" "None of your business," the bartender answered, "And besides, you never talk politics in a bar." "Okay," said the drunk. "What church do you go to?" "None of your business," the bartender answered, "And besides, you never talk religion in a bar." "Okay," said the drunk. "Can I talk about sex?" "Sure! Sex is a great topic for bar conversation!" "Okay," said the drunk, "Fuck you." How to say "I love you" in 25 languages: English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German lch Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Alabama Arkansas Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Missouri Mississippi Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky parts of Florida Nice Ass, Get in the truck Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? A: Because Janet Reno is her real father. Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite group? A: New Kids on the Cock. Little Johnny was in his reception school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came in - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay nightclub and takes off all his clothes in front of perverts. Sometimes, if the proposition is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room, and take it up the ass." The teacher was shocked and hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny, "my father is a lawyer, but I was just too embarrassed to admit it." A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied. Little Willie goes to a horse auction with his father. He watches his dad as he runs his hands over each horse's legs, rump, and chest. Willie asks Dad, "Why are you doing that?" "Because I'm buying horses, son. This is how I make sure that each one is in good shape before I buy it." "Hurry home right away, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "Why?" "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!" A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him maximum satisfaction. This guy must is dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill not just you, but me too. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, he thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too." Q: How can you tell Governor Schwarzenegger still enjoys groping women? A: He only kisses babies while they are breast feeding. The blonde drove through a hailstorm and her car was extensively dented as a result, so she took it to the body shop to get repaired. When she got the estimate she thought it was too expensive. "Isn't there some cheaper way to fix it?" she asked the estimator. "Of course," he replied, smiling wryly. "You can fix it yourself for free. Just drive it home. Pretend the tailpipe is your boyfriend's dick and blow on it really hard and all the dents will pop out from the pressure." As the blonde is blowing increasingly hard on her tailpipe - with no results - her equally blonde roommate approaches her and asked what blonde1 was doing. Blonde1 explained, "The body shop man said if I blew on the tailpipe I could blow out all the dents on my car." "Hellllooo!" said blonde2. "You have to roll up the windows!" Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Which always has the biggest tits, and why? A: The blonde, because she's 18. The junior high school teacher asked her male pupils which mineral on earth, if they could own in its entirety, would they pick to possess. Little Johnny said, "I would pick gold, because it is very valuable and I could then buy a Corvette." Little Billy said, "I would pick platinum, because it is even more valuable and I could then buy a Porsche." Little Cleotius said, "I bees pickin' silicone." "Silicone? Why silicone?" the teacher asked. "'Cause my sister got her some silicone, and now there always be Corvettes and Porsches in our driveway." The doctor approached the young man who was his patient, and was suffering from a terrible hangover with the announcement, "I have some good news and some bad news about the two colored rings you discovered around your penis this morning. Which would you like first?" "I'll take the good news first," the man replied, warily. "The good news is, that first ring on your penis is lipstick." "Alright! What's the bad news?" "The bad news is, that second ring around your penis is chewing tobacco." A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, the stewardess took drink orders. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." Buford steps up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "Have you ever in your life done anything of note?" "Well, I can think of only one thing. I came across a beautiful broad being threatened by a whole gang of bikers. Being motivated purely by the highest instincts, I ordered them to leave her alone. But they wouldn't listen. So I walked up to their leader, punched him in the mouth, kicked over his bike, tore out his ear ring, and said, 'I told you to leave her alone.'" "When did this happen?" Peter asked. "A couple of minutes ago." A 12yr old boy gets hit by a car at a busy crossing. A woman runs up to the boy and asks, "Do you need a priest?" The boy replies, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?" Remember: You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends off on the couch. Q: Why did God create man before he created woman? A: He didn't want any advice. Q: What upset Paris Hilton's parents about her X-rated video? A: The towels in the background said "EconoLodge." Q: Why can't Episcopalians play chess? A: They can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen. George says to the restaurant's French waiter, "Do you have frogs' legs?" "Of course-au-mont, monsieur," answers the waiter. "Then hop your ass into the kitchen and make me a ham sandwich." Q: How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends? A: Liquefy some assets. Q: Why does Michael Jackson own a theme park for kids? A: He's always been into children's shit. A woman standing in front of a full length mirror, naked, said to her husband, "I'm fat, wrinkled, and ugly. It is depressing. Please say something positive to me to cheer me up." "OK. Your eyesight is perfect." A man told his doctor that he and his ravishingly beautiful and sexy redheaded wife had not had sex in six months. The doctor told him to send his wife in to see him privately, and he would see what he could do to make things better. When she kept her appointment, that doctor began the conversation by inquiring about her libido. "It's not that at all," she explained. "My problem is that I have to take a cab to get to work every morning. Every morning the cabbie asks me, 'So, are you going to pay today, or what?' We don't have much money, so I always give him the 'or what,' and that always makes me late for work. "Then my boss always says, 'So, are we going to dock your salary for being late, or what?' And I always give HIM the 'or what,' too. So, on top of a hard day's work, my body, which has a fine libido, thank you, has already been through the grinder twice. I just don't feel like having sex with my husband when I get home." "So," said the doctor, "are we going to tell your husband about your problem, or what?" Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle." Q: Why does Michael Jackson like children so much? A: He knows how they feel. Q: What's the difference between Slick Willie and Michael Jackson? A: One is a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole. Q: Why is Michael Jackson so tough? A: He can lick any kid on the block. Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty? A: Several children have fingered him. Q: Why don't little girls fart? A: Because they don't have assholes until they get married. 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY: 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them." Q: How did Michael Jackson actually proposition the little boy? A: It was just a slip of the tongue. Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? A: "Little Boy Blew." Q: What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid? A: Clitoris envy. Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson? A: Michael Jackson has had more noses. In the midst of performing a vasectomy, the doctor accidentally cut off one of his patients testicles. He performed immediate surgery to avoid a malpractice suit, sewing in an onion to replace the missing organ. Several weeks later, when the patient returned for a followup visit, he said, "I think something is wrong." "Oh?" replied the doctor, trying to act surprised. "Yeah. Every time I piss, my eyes water. Every time my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hot dog stand, I get a hardon." A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?" "Ummm, before sex," the kid replied. The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?" Q: Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave? A: It usually takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick. Q: Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John? A: It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me." Q: Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew? A: He always has a lot of shit to pack. Q: What's sex like for Michael Jackson? A: Child's Play. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A: Got two fives for a ten? A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." "I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young cowboy told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, some kind of queer?" Q: What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's makeup. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist? A: A proctologist doesn't have to pay for the assholes he's poked around in. Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet? A: Emily Dick-in-son. Q: What will they call Michael Jackson's new TV series? A: Anus and Andy. Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties? A: He was up to a pack a day. Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? A: Christopher Walken. Q: How can you tell when a chick is too FAT to fuck? A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, and her pussy is still in them. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan? A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors. Q: Why doesn't Michael Jackson sleep with boys anymore? A: He's tired of all the cracks. Q: Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own? A: Because it's too expensive to rent them at $14 Million a pop. Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her. THE REDNECK SEX EDUCATION TEST 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False 25. Douche is the French word for "two." True or False A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do he job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many problems." Confused, the golfer cried, "PROBLEMS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible." The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We tried that, actually. After we did, three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, one raped a white lady golfer, and the last one robbed the pro shop." The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest. Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic? A: Blowing his first nose. Q: What's black and comes in little white cans? A: Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?" To which Debbie replied, "I know, we'll get a video." Michael then said, "Great, I'll get Aladdin." Debbie said speedily, "No, Michael. You have been in trouble for that already." There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch those!" she said, "They are for the funeral." WHEN A REAL MAN COOKS. 1. The woman goes to the store. 2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. Q: Did you hear about how Michael Jackson's toaster is different? A: The bread goes in brown and comes out white. Q: Why does Santa have a full sack? A: Because he only cums once a year. Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael Jackson? A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom. Q: Why did Michael Jackson get upset after he called Boyz-2-Men? A: He found out they weren't a delivery service. Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns. Q: What to you call a fat Chink? A: A Chunk. CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES CENSORED OUT OF YOUR FACIST "P.C." LIBRARY 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 8. All Dogs Go to Hell 9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 10. Some Kittens Can Fly 11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 12. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way 13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"? A: Two 5 year olds. Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds. IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY... Dear Santa: I wood like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony, and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie doll, which is more your speed. --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face while riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. AND TELL YOUR MOM TO STAY UP LATE! --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, No. All the toys are made in Red China nowadays. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. --Santa ---------- Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. --Santa ---------- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're always getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, --Santa Two midgets split a winning lottery ticket, and decide to spend the first of their gains on a whore, each. They pick their girls and retire to separate rooms. The first midget found himself utterly speechless, and just stared at his whore while listening with envy to his friend's voice coming from the next room, "OH! UH! OH! UH!" Came the morn, the first midget ran next door and confessed, "I didn't know what to say to her!" The second midget replied, "So what! I couldn't even get up on the bed!" Paddy walked into his neighborhood bar in Belfast with a broken nose, a broken arm, many bruises and cuts, and a limp. The bartender immediately hailed him with, "Holy shit! What happened to you?" "Jamie O'Connor and I got in a fight." "Jamie O'Connor!" the barkeep exclaimed. "Why that little shit must have used something on you to inflict that much damage!" "That he did," Paddy said. "He had a shovel in his hand and used it to do all the damage you see now." "Paddy, I know you well enough to know you would strike back, and with something, likewise, in your hand too. What was it?" "Aye, you're right. What I had in my hand was Mrs. O'Connor's left breast. 'Tis a thing of beauty, but not much use in a fight." A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their respective children. "You all have obsessions," he announced. "Your obsession, for example," he said to the first mother, "is with food. Hence, you have named your daughter Candy." "Your obsession," he said to the second mother, "is with money. Hence, you have named your daughter Penny." "Your obsession," he said to the third mother, "is with alcohol. Hence, you have named your daughter Brandy." Before he could go further, however, the fourth mother grabbed her little son by his hand and said to him, "Come on, Dick. We're out of here." Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping? A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians. A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work." A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..." Quickly the guy holds three fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?" "Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?" After getting shot down again at the town dance, the farmer started to walk the country lane home. As he passed a pumpkin patch, he noted that the pumpkins reminded his fevered libido of beautiful female ass cheeks. So he stopped, carved a hole in one, and began to fuck it. "Hey, pal!" a voice interrupted him, "What the hell are you doing to my pumpkin?" Thinking quickly he answered, "Pumpkin? Holy shit! Is it midnight already?" Knock Knock! Who's There? Little boy blue! Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson! Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? A: They both leave childrens' rooms with empty sacks. Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? A: Throw him a buoy. Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand. A woman was making the last minute preparations for her fancy dinner when she realized she had forgotten to buy the escargots. "Please, dear," she asked her husband, "run down to the beach and get some snails for dinner." He had just finished faifully gathering a bucket full of snails along the shore when he encountered a beautiful, stacked redhead in a bikini. She stopped and initiated a conversation with him, and then invited him back to her apartment where their mutual attraction grew into flaming lust and they had wild sex. As was his habit, he fell immediately into a deep, snoring slumber, and didn't awake until 6 in the morning. When he awoke he was terrified to see what time it was, so dressed hurriedly and ran out of the apartment with his bucket of snails. He sprinted all the way back to his house and, while running up the steps to the porch taking three steps at a time, tripped, sending the snails spilling all over his own back patio. Just at that instant his enraged wife tore open the door. The man looked at the snails, his wife, then back at the snails, and quick- thinkedly said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!" A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Slick Willie leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw my school days are over." Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: Get out of my sun. Michael Jackson's home has been raided by the police this morning. They found Class A drugs in the lounge, Class B drugs in the kitchen and Class 2C in the bedroom. I bought a new car radio. When you shout "Soul," it plays soul. When you shout "Rock," it plays rock. Some kids ran in front of me the other day and I shouted, "Fucking kids!" and it started playing Michael Jackson. Q: Why don't more female niggers have blonde hair? A: Just how dumb do you want them to be, anyway? Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in. Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing." Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song? A: "And then he touched me." Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin? A: He's got children coming out the ass. The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!" A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." Q: What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person? A: Neighbor. Q: Why do niggers always have sex on their mind? A: Because they've got pubic hair on their head. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Two young lovers go camping, and the guy goes out to chop wood for the breakfast fire. When he comes back, he says, "Honey my hands are really freezing!" "Why don't you put your hands between my legs for awhile?" she smiles suggestively. Not being stupid, he warms his hands as per her instructions. He goes out and chops more wood for lunch, and says, "Honey my hands are really freezing!" "Why don't you put your hands between my legs for awhile?" she leers. He does, again. When dinnertime comes and he returns from chopping wood, he smiles and again says, "Honey my hands are really freezing!" "What the fuck is wrong with you!" she says, pissedly. "Don't your ears ever get cold?" Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock? A: Spits out the feathers. Q: What's the difference between a male nigger and a large pepperoni pizza? A: A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four. Q: Why don't niggers like blowjobs? A: They don't like any jobs. Q: What do you get when you cross an old Jewish woman and a young black man? A: A nagger. Q: What is every Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day. Q: Did you hear the one about the guy who was half black and half Pakistani? A: He robbed his own convenience store. Q: What's the difference between a toilet and a woman? A: Toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it. Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic? A: Dead babies make the best chum. Q: What do you call a nigger priest? A: Holy shit. PROFOUND THOUGHTS: If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that selling it backwards is Naive? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it? Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth? A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup. Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying? A: With an axe. One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is." On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a purple VIKING jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Green Bay Packers jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Viking from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it too, into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for the brave actions I have witnessed here. I heard there was some bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK, or do we need to get another one?" Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. So he rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and then they page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Bad news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what's her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will disgorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mess. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Lighten up dude, I'm just fucking with you...she's dead." Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a letter? A: You can send a letter back to where it came from. Q: What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree? A: A gorilla shit on his face. Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Arkansas schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it. Q: Why did the post office have to recall all the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people kept spitting on the wrong side. A man walked into a department store and siad to the salesgirl, "Excuse me, but I would like to buy some gloves for my wife, and I just don't know her size." "Try me on for size," the girl said, placing her hand gently in his. "Oh, that's wonderful," he answered, "and your hands are just slightly smaller than hers." "Than I know what size to sell you. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" she asked sweetly. "Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra." Mexican Earthquake A big earthquake with the strength 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican Army control the riots. The European community is sending food and clothing. The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans. GOD BLESS AMERICA! There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. "Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the hospitable old man. "But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes." "Oh!" said the salesman. "Then just how far is it to the next farmhouse?" The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure it's your father." Q: Why is it that the number one wish of lesbians who believe in reincarnation is to come back as whales? A: So they can have ten-foot tongues and breathe through the tops of their heads. Q: Did you hear about the new instant lotto game in India? A: You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches the one on your forehead, you win an instant convenience store in the United States. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your bra off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off the rest of your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles, all the time screaming, "Ooohooo! Ooohoo!" Next the husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," added the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM, you have a headache!" A little girl was watching two dogs fucking and said to her mom, "Look, Mom! Those two dogs are baking a cake!" "Why do you call that baking a cake?" "Because I saw you and Daddy doing the same thing last night, and afterwards I licked the icing off of the sofa!" A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that?" she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it?" she asks? "Sure, anybody can do it." So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, and spread eagled. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "That explains it! Dual exhaust!" Sam goes to visit his best friend Fred, who is dying of cancer. Fred is in his bed with a sad look on his face. "I'm so sad to see you like this, Fred" says Sam, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" "Oh Sam, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do, but if you don't mind could you go upstairs to my bedroom and get me my slippers?" Sam rushes upstairs to the bedroom and finds Fred's wife and daughter. "Fred told me to come up here and have hot sex with both of you!" Sam says to them. "Fred would never say that!" The wife screams. "Oh yeah?" replies Sam. "Let's ask him!" Sam shouts downstairs to Fred, "Hey Fred, BOTH of them?" Fred answers back "Yes! BOTH of them!" Q: What is a smart blonde commonly called? A: A golden retriever. Q: How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass? A: Exhilarating! A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." The man sighs and says, "It's started..." Q: How can you tell when you've had a good blowjob? A: When your dick has the dry heaves for three days afterward. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? A: See you next month. Kind of ironic isn't it? Roy has been sucking dick all his life and then gets eaten by a pussy! The Texas Chili Contest Frank, an East-coast'er visiting Texas, was invited to be one of the judges at a chili cook-off. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy -- and besides -- they told him he could have free beer during the tasting. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. Frank: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge one: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge one: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Judge one: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kind of cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge one: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge one: Thin yet b. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge one: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. Q: What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? A: Well, one's a snack cracker... A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "That's easy enough for you to say," answered the first man. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "In that case I'd have to break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." Q: Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their faces. Q: What do two lesbians like to do when they are having their Periods? A: Fingerpaint. Q: What's the difference between an electrician and miner? A: Basically not much, but after each makes a mistake the electrician will dance for a few minutes before he dies. Q: What is the only reason a whore keeps crossing her legs? A: So her liver won't fall out. Q: What's the difference between Wesley Clark and Bill Clinton? A: Wesley Clark knew how to control his privates. Q: Do you know what a drag is? A: It's a man who wears everything a lesbian won't. Q: Did you hear that Ellen DeGenerate drowned? A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 25 SIGNS THAT PROVE YOU'RE OVER 21 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is not for playing games. 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you. Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A: A Klondyke. A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife really loved him. It seemed she was so thrilled to have him around, that whenever a delivery man or the mailman or the milkman arrived, she would run outside yelling, "My husband's home! My husband's home!" The modest young virgin asked the lingerie store where she had just purchased a new bra and panties if they could embroider on them "If you can read this, you are too damn close." Since embroidery was one of the shop's specialties, she was told yes, "But what type of lettering do you want, block or script?" "Braille." A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." Q: What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A: A licker cabinet. A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a shoe. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" The wife answered, "Your horse called." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!" On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked, let me go and find out," and he leaves. The couple sits and waits for an answer ... for a couple of months. While they wait, they discuss that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, and what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven.” “Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Holy shit!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months just to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY fucking idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their individual experiences. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und conferrmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out, and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word." They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed in the intesive care ward. He was in a full body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures." There are always two sides to every story: Her Story He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the tavern for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised - but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I suggested that we go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries me. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say that it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is seeing someone else and that my love life is a disaster. His Story Australia lost the cricket match. Got a piece of ass, though. The math teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles in circumference and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?" "Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?" Oh, that's easy," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy." Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'?" "No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight.'"