Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers and says, "Collecting, that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest penis she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says, "Oh, please don't do that. I can take all of it!" "Not for just five bucks you can't." Daffynition: Cannibal - a guy who had a wife and ate children. A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast." Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother "Now, I want you to keep in mind....this is THE SAME WOMAN who used to bust OUR ASSES for sucking our THUMBS!"    A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who initially recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus." Q: What is the main reason blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey mister, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Because I have nothing to live for." The Alabaman said, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper answered, "I have no wife or children." "Well, then think of your mother and father!" "Mom and Dad have been dead for years." "Well, then think of General Robert E. Lee!" "Who is that?" the man asked. "Go ahead and jump you stupid yankee, jump!" Q: How can you tell if a cannibal-ess is a nymphomaniac? A: Every time the tribe chows down, she gets dibs on the bone. Q: How can you tell if a cannibal is gay? A: He always blows lunch. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter! Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Q: What is a black birth certificate? A: A refund letter from a condom company. One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Q: Did you hear about the only man who actually figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anyone else. Three guys were stranded in the woods. They came upon an old abandoned cabin and decided to stay the night there. There was a single king sized bed in the middle of the cabin and all three decided to sleep in it. When they woke up in the morning that they all had weird dreams. The guy that slept on the left side said, "Man, I had this crazy dream that I kept getting beat off." The guy on the right said, "Really? Me too." They asked the guy in the middle if he had the same dream and he said, "Nope. But I did have this really strange dream that I was skiing." Q: What should you do if you see a black jogger? A: Trip him and give the lady's purse back to her. The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous teller, the blonde one, pulled off all of her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not an office party!" Did you know that Bill Clinton was a test tube baby? Just goes to show that even before he was born, he wasn't worth a fuck. Q: What happens at a cannibal bachelor party? A: A beautiful girl jumps out of a cake, then everybody has a piece. Q: What happens at a regular bachelor party? A: A beautiful girl jumps out of a cake, then everybody has a piece. This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too fancy, but nice all the same. The waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?" The waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer (not to mention, a red-blooded male), he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you, Miss, but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now." "Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I always insist on having my breasts held when I'm being screwed." Q: What do you get when you cross an attorney with a feminist? A: A lawyer who WON'T screw you. Q: What's the difference between an ironing board and a Catholic High schoolgirl? A: It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open. Q: What type of bra is a "doggie" bra? A: One that makes pointers out of setters. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? A: They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you. Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epilectic. Q: How do you know you're a genuine loser? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Q: How do you trick a blonde into marrying you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. The beautiful blonde princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?" "Yes, I am," the frog replied, "but it's a hell of a spell. It'll probably take a blow job." Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly? A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. Q: How is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: How is mountain climbing like getting a blowjob from Whoopi Goldberg? A: Never, never, never look down. Q. What does it mean when an Arkansan wife drools out of both sides of her mouth? A. The trailer is level. Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Slow. Q: Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? A: They like being able both to eat and to make love in under 5 minutes. Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. Q: Why are men and spray paint alike? A: One squeeze and they're all over you. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the airvalve stem. World's Shortest Books The Code of Ethics for Lawyers The Black Guy's Book of Foreplay The Book of Motivated Postal Workers Americans' Guide to Etiquette The World Guide to Good American Beer Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages Safe Places to Travel in the USA Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction Contraception by Pope John Paul II Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex The Wit and Wisdom of LiberAl Gore Politician's Guide to Speechmaking Ethics Al Gore: The Wild Years America's Most Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for History Majors Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches Easy UNIX Everything Men Know about Women George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette The Amish Phone Book Great Women Drivers Of Today Q: How can you tell if a Vietnamese has burgled your house? A: Your cat's gone and your all homework is done. Q: How do you know that your home has been burglarized by fags? A: All of the good stuff is gone, and the rest has been tastefully re-arranged. Q: What do they call drag races in San Francisco? A: Rush hour. Q: Why are blondes always so quiet when they're fucking? A: Because they were raised not to talk to strangers. Q: How did the retarded hemophiliac die? A: He went to an acupuncturist. Q: Why do German-designed shower heads have eleven output holes? A: Because Jews only have ten fingers. Q: How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature ejaculation? A: When he comes walking in the door. Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A: His only sex life is when his doctor tells him to cough. Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend it too flat? A: When she applied for a job as a topless waitress, she got hired instead as a busboy. A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw BOTH of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, I think my school days are over." Q: Why are impotent men always immature? A: Because they are born, but never raised. Q: What's the difference being in a "69", and driving in the fog? A: I don't know, either, but at least in a "69" you can see the asshole in front of you. Q: How can you tell if your date is really ugly? A1: You take her to dinner. When the waiter comes, he puts her plate on the floor. A2: After a mosquito bites her, he throws up. Q: Why do faggots prefer to wear ribbed condoms? A: For better traction in the mud. Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!" Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!" Q: Why do all Jews have double paned windows on their houses? A: So their kids can't hear the ice cream trucks. A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night. "Mom, I think I am in love!" "What do you mean, that's not likely on your first date!" "Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass." "That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick - that's love." Q: How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull? A: Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull. Cooperman sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs. He knocked on the door of a house. "Wanna buy some strawberries?" "Come around back," answered the pretty young blonde. Cooperman walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door. To Cooperman's shock, she stood there stark naked. Not a stitch of clothes on. Cooperman started to cry. "What's the matter?" asked the blonde. "Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Cooperman, "I lost three thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries." Q: Why needn't you buy a woman a wrist watch? A: Because nowadays there is always a clock on her stove. Three children pass a house's lit, open, window and look in. "Look, look," says the 4 year old, "there is a couple in bed there and they are wrestling." "No, no," says the 5 year old, "they are making love." "And badly," the 6 year old chimes in. Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a red neck? A: An all-white neighborhood. I asked a guy here if he and his wife of several years still did it "doggy style." "Yeah," he said, "I sit up and beg until she rolls over and plays dead." Q: How can a faggot prevent AIDS? A: He can sit tight and keep his mouth shut. Q: What's 69 and 69? A: Dinner for 4. Q: How is a hooker like a cattle rancher? A: They both raise meat. Q: What is the difference between courtship and marriage? A: During courtship, she is hard to get; during marriage, she is impossible to get. Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed in the process of sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with the condom now on it, bent over as if to look under his bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do when ya find him, fuck him?" Q: What do you get when you cross a Wall Street firm with a B&D brothel? A: A business for stocks and bondage. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex? A: A rape victim. Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? A: You'll never hear a guy getting a BJ say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!" What guys say... What they mean... It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she‘ll have her legs around my head She‘s kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue I don‘t know if I like her She won‘t blow me I need you My hand is tired I had her I had (wet dreams about)her all week I really want to get to know you better ...so I can tell my friends about it How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small? other boyfriends? You‘re the only girl I‘ve ever You are the only girl who has not cared about rejected me I want you back ...for tonight anyway We‘ve been through so much together If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! She‘ll know that I have a hard-on The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times for another 24 hours I am different from all the other guys I am not circumsized They say that men only care about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about: (a) power and world domination, (b) money, (c) beer. Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic gift that is also practical? A: A toaster that glows in the dark. women do not belch, women do not snore, and, women do not fart, therefore they must bitch or they will blow up. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which one do you let in first? A: The dog, of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in. Beer ~vs~ Pussy - A beer is always wet. - A pussy needs encouragement. * Advantage: Beer. - A beer tastes horrible served hot. - A pussy tastes better served hot. * Advantage: Pussy. - Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. - Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. * Advantage: Beer. - Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. - Pussy does not. * Advantage: Draw. - If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. * Advantage: Pussy - 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. * Advantage: Pussy. - Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. * Advantage: Pussy. - If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. * Advantage: Beer. - If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. - If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. * Advantage: Beer. - 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. - 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. * Advantage: Pussy - Buy too much beer and you will get fat. - Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. * Advantage: Draw - It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. - You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. * Advantage: Pussy - If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathaliser. - If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. * Advantage: Pussy - With beer, bigger is better. * Advantage: beer. - Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. * Advantage: beer. - Pussy can make you see God. - Beer can make you see the porcelain God. * Advantage: Pussy - If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. - If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. * Advantage: Pussy - Peeling labels off of beers is fun. - Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. * Advantage: Pussy. - If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. - If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. * Advantage: Draw - If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. - If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. * Advantage: Beer. - If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. * Advantage: beer. - The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. * Advantage: Pussy. - The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. * Advantage: Beer. - Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. - Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. * Advantage: Draw - Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red - Good pussy: Almost all but the above. * Advantage: Pussy. - The government taxes beer. * Advantage: Pussy. - It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. * Advantage: Pussy. Yer allowed to scroll up and tally for yourselves, ........ *must* one do EVERYTHING here ? Q: How can you tell that Santa is not Jewish? A: Santa goes down chimneys, Jews go up chimneys. Daffynition: "Sin of omission" - any sin you forget to commit. Q: What is the worst punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, exactly how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying." Q: Why did God create snakes before lawyers? A: To practice. First guy (proudly): "My wife’s an angel!" Second guy: "You’re lucky, mine’s still alive." Q: What do you throw a drowning lawyer? A: His partners. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four State troopers and a dog. Bumpersnicker: I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That is true in every country, son." Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What’s on the TV?" and I said, "Dust." Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?". The kid says "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on it." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $320.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, sure he did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear black mini skirts? A: Because their balls will show. Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me.(It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career.(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate.(I've sworn off only the men like you.) ....and the number 1 rejection line given by women... 1. Let's be friends.(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.) Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me..(You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate.(You're ugly.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by men 1. Let's be friends.(You're sinfully ugly.) Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers? A: Desert. Q: What motivates women to fake orgasms? A: Faking an orgasm will cause a man to cum faster so bad sex is over sooner. Q: How do you know soap operas are fictional? A: In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. Q: Why do men always chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: What's the average man's definition of adequate foreplay? A: Unzipping his fly. Q: What do women think is the best way to keep a man happy in bed? A: Move the TV into the bedroom. Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." Q: How can you tell when a man has had an orgasm? A: He rolls over and starts snoring. Q: What do a blonde and a harley have in common? A: It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to get a good ride, and when you stand them up, they leak. Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney. Bumpersnicker: Liquor and Poker Tonight Q: What is another name for an Italian with a war medal? A: Thief. Q: Why do men like masturbation? A: It's sex with someone they love. Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises? A: Because they should be. Q: What's the difference between men and horney alley cats? A: Men are taller. A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out off all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone. but by the bedside was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you." Q: What do ambulances and queers both have in common? A: When you stick stiffs in the back of them they both go "Woo Woo Woo!" Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything. Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." Q: What's the first thing a blonde usually does in the morning? A: Walks home. Q: What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh? A: Are you going to eat that? One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!" Q: What is the ideal weight for every lawyer? A: Three pounds, including the urn. Q: What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: The microwave stops when you open the door. Q: What is the maximum penalty for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. Daffynition: Mistress - What fits between a mister and a mattress. Q: What do you get when you stab a baby 15 times? A: An erection. Q: Why do men choose showers over baths? A: That's the only way they can piss while getting clean. Q: Why do women fake orgasms? A: Because men fake foreplay. Q: What's the definition of disgusting? A: Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen. Q: What is the difference between a parachute and a prophylactic? A: When a parachute fails, someone dies. A man came home late one night and found his wife lying in bed naked and crying. "What's wrong?" he asked her. "I just had the most terrible experience of my life," she sobbed. "A big black guy broke into our house, tore off all my clothes, and made me give him a blowjob. His cock was so huge, I almost choked to death on it. Then, wanting seconds, he bent me over and brutally fucked me in the ass. Finally he urinated on me as he made me sing the national anthem." "Holy shit! What an terrifying experience!" "It sure was! You have no idea how hard it is to sing the national anthem." Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. Q: How are anchovies like telephones? A: They're the next best thing to being there. Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A: No phone numbers. An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" Q: Why should the bride always wear white? A: It is considered in good taste for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator. Q: Why is it impossible for a woman to find a man who is caring, sensitive, and also good-looking? A: All those men already have boyfriends. Q: How does the Cuban national anthem begin? A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. These three women were roommates. One night they had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time. The brunette said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The redhead said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The blonde said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now THAT was a good date!" There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop". Q: How many honest, sensitive, and caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: What do men and women have in common? A: They both distrust men. Q: What food have scientists discovered that permanently diminishes a woman's sex drive by at least 90%? A: Wedding cake. Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A: A sex-change operation. Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? A: Two ways to cross a river. Q: How can a girl tell if her date is a real loser? A: His teddy bear is equipped with a vagina. Q: How can you tell if a man is excited? A: He's breathing. Q: How did you know that you've had a good blow job? A: When you have to burp her to get your balls back. Q: Why can't men show their true feelings? A: Because they don't have any. Daffynition: "Woman": like a human, but without a balls. Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A: In the pages of a romance novel. Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex. One day Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!" This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair." Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? A: Because they are always bitter. Q: How can you tell when the President of the Unites States is a fag? A: When all of his cigars taste like shit. Q: What is the difference between a new wife and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: Because they can't stand criticism. Q: How can you tell when your husband has died? A: The sex is about the same, but you get the remote. A DAUGHTER'S LETTER HOME FROM COLLEGE It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay??? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective Your loving daughter, WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said... If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says, "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." Q: How can you tell when your dick is too small? A: When your girlfriend asks you if she can use it to extract a sliver. Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is too ugly? A: Right after a mosquito bites her, it throws up. Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? A: An insurance company. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. TOP BUMPERSNICKERS If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings." If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] Guys: No Shirt, No Service ... Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A: $2.99 a minute. Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: About 45 pounds. Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: About 45 minutes. Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard. Kurt Cobain had more talent as a marksman than as a musician. Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby shat, and the Polack baby played in it. Did you hear about a lawyer that fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks? A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I hang around here until I can meet the guy who does?" Q: Why is it so hard to pronounce "fellatio"? A: Because it's such a mouthful. Bill Clinton goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The pharmacist replied, "Mr. President, do you even know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do" replied Beelzebubba, "They keep me from getting venereal diseases." "OK," said the pharmacist, "But do you know what the ribs are for?" Slick Willie thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on a goat's back stand up." Q: How does a necrophiliac court his women? A: He just shows up and knocks 'em dead. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: - has to work hard; - has to work at great depths; - has to work upside down; - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; - has to work in a high humidity environment; - has to work at high temperatures; - does not get weekends and holidays off; - does not get time off after extra hours of work; - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness. Request denied for the following reasons: - does not work 8 hours in a row; - does not answer immediately to all requests; - does not have a degree; - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; - shows no fidelity to the workplace; - retires too early; - does not work at all unless pushed from behind; - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work. A worried father confronted his Arkansasan daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and ugly and really stupid, too." "Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Billy-Bubba's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month." Q: Where does a redneck go to get takeout food? A: Highway 101. Q: How does a redneck know when his meat is cooked? A: When the tire marks are gone. Q: What do the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it. Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the farting before it starts. Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman? A: Fat. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: Why don't lawyer jokes work? A: Because lawyers don't find them funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes. Q: What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad? A: "Senator." Q: What is the square root of 69? A: 8 something. Q: What is 96? A: 69 for dyslexics. Q: What is 6.9? A: 69 ruined by a period. Q: What advantage did the abortionist who was also a cannibal have? A: He never had to go out for lunch. Q: What do you call a Playboy centerfold who's a lesbian? A: Bitch. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman that won't do what she's told. Q: How can you tell if a kid is a starving Ethiopian? A: His only pet is a tapeworm. Q: How do Ethiopians get circumcised? A: Butt fuck their sisters and let the tapeworm do the job. Q: Why do men want to vote for a female for President? A: Because we'd only have to pay her half as much. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? A: You come in one and go in the other. Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers go away. Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side. Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick. Q: What should you do if your wife comes in the living room and nags you? A: Shorten her chain. Q: What makes the difference between a spit and a swallow? A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't make no difference," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway." Q: Why is the area between a womans breasts and her vagina, called a waist ? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts there. Q: What is apparently the shortest distance between two points? A: A tight blouse. Three guys work on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill, and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack of beer. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me, Charlie." "That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says, "Well, not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, 'You must be Steve's widow.' "She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' "And I said, 'Wanna bet me a 6-pack?' " Q: Why are men like public toilets? A: They're always vacant, engaged, or full of shit. Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good ? A: Put a nipple on it. What they say, and what it means... Did you come? = Because I didn't. I have something to tell you. = Get tested. I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor. I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again. I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin. Trust me. = I'm cheating on you. I love you. = You're a good lay. I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly. Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass. I want to make love to you. = Let's fuck. Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood. We need to talk. = I'm pregnant. I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you? I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I've learned a lot from you. = Next! I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation. I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people. Let's get married. = Now can we fuck? We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out. I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head. I still think about you. = I miss the sex. Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft? You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen. It's never been like this before. = It's my first time. Yes...Yes...*scream!* = Aren't you done yet? Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street. One says, "Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!" "No shit?" "Well, hardly any." EDUCATIONAL COURSES FOR WOMEN NOW BEING OFFERED BY MEN 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His 8. Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You . . . 9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First 10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging 12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share 14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 15. Introduction to Parking 16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space 17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels on the Floor 18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption 21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His, But we can make it his 24. Dancing: Why Men Don t Like To 25. Sex - Its For Married (and otherwise cohabiting) Couples Too 26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 29. Ballet and Ice Skating: For Women Only 30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH 31. Learning to Use Public Toilets 32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Bars Without your Friends 33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie 34. TV Remotes: For Men Only 35. Sexy Lingerie: Its Not Just For Special Occasions Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: (Cough, gag, choke.) Q: How can you tell if your valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue is still in the envelope. Make love, Not war. Hell, do both: Get Married! -- Women's restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. A first grade class comes in from recess. The teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess today?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." The teacher said, "That's good, now go to the blackboard and if you can spell sand correctly I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Alice does and gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Timmy what he did at recess. Timmy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice." Teacher says "Good. Now if you can go to the blackboard and spell "box" correctly I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Timmy does and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Timmy in their sand box, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot." Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc." Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone." Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them." Q: How can you tell if a practicing pervert is a pedophile? A: Instead of getting herpes, he gets diaper rash. Q: How can you tell if a patient is being treated for AIDS? A: The doctor administers his injections via dart gun. Q: What is the first overt symptom a guy is a homosexual pedophile? A: He wants to keep putting his dick in the baby shitter. A guy was taken to jail in handcuffs and the jailer asked him what he had been charged with. "I got caught screwing a 3 year old kid in the ass." "Holy shit! Was it a boy or a girl?" "A girl, of course! What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?" Q: What is the difference of women's sports over men's sports? A: More periods. Q: Why did God give women legs? A: So you wouldn't have to drag them into the bathroom and douche them after fucking them. Q: How can you tell that your daycare worker is a child abuser? A: When you catch him dipping your baby's rectal thermometer in Ben Gay. Q: How did the father know his daughter was masturbating during her period? A: He caught her red-handed. Q: What did they call an abortion in Shakespeare's day? A: Love's labors lost. Q: What is definitely gross? A: While you are fucking some broad, her tapeworm gives you head. Q: What do you call a girls soccer team when they are all having their periods? A: The red socks. The plastic surgeon walked into the waiting room where he told the man, "I'm sorry, but your wife's face lift went awry and we had to amputate her lips." "Oh, no! Can you fix it?" "Amazingly enough, we did. Another woman patient died and I transplanted her vaginal lips onto your wife's face." "Will that have any side effects?" "I don't known," said the doctor. "Come back in a month and let me know." A month passed and the man returned and reported that there were, in fact, several side effects from his wife's transplant. "What were they?" "Well, several: first, she has an insatiable appetite for oral sex; second, she has a curly beard; and third: she will eat only anchovies." Q: Did you hear about the midget who got fired by his female boss? A: He kept getting in her hair. Daffynition - menstruation: a bloody fucking waste of time. Q: Why did the girl get fired from her modeling job at the auto show? A: She was showing all of her options. Q: What did the woman call her talking pussy? A: Her answering cervix. Q: What did the horny Chinese restauranteur's wife say when he asked for 69? A: "You cook it your own self!" Did you know that there are more than 100,000 battered women in America? ...and I bet this whole time you've been eating them raw. Q: What is a lesbian's favorite pickup line? A: Your face, or mine? Q: What do you call photographs of famous lesbians? A: Memora-labia. Q: How do we know that Adam was the first soft-drink manufacturer? A: He made Eve's cherry pop. Q: How do we know that Eve was the first carpenter? A: She made Adam's banana stand. Confucious say man who gets off on right foot, better have Kleenex handy. Q: What is the greatest threat to a dildo farmer? A: Squatters. Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" Q: How many faggots fit in a Volkswagen? A: 71. Two in the front and sixty nine in the rear. Q: Did you hear that Pee Wee Herman has a new children's show on TV? A: It's called Captain Yankeroo. Q: What were Joan of Arc's last words? A: "Is it just me, or is it getting really hot?" Q: Did you hear some guy just sued Dr. Kevorkian for malpractice? A: It was because he saved his life. Q: How does Sinead O'Connor part her hair? A: She squats. Q: How can a redneck tell if he had a good time at the party last night? A: If he wakes up in a pool of his own puke. Q: How do you insult a flasher? A: Tell him you've seen 10 year old kids hung better than he is. Q: Did you hear what the NFL is doing with the next draft? A: They are giving the first three picks to the Philadelphia zoo. Q: What did the brown gerbil at Richard Gere's house say to the white gerbil? A: Hi, you must be new here. Q: Why did Richard Gere move after he had his 12th gerbil removed? A: He figured that doctors would be more experienced in New Hamster. Q: Why did god create Adam first? A: To give him chance to speak. Q: What do you get when you cross a Korean chef and a French poodle? A: Dinner. Q: Why did they have to keep the heat turned up in Hitler's bunker? A: So his lampshades wouldn't get goosebumps. Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy. Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." Q: What is the advantage of masturbation over regular sex? A: You can see what you're doing. Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other. At about 2:00 am George was awaken by Rick, who was sleeping beside him, holding a huge erection in his hand. "Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Rick exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you" George asked. "Why the fuck would I want you to come?" Rick asked. "Because that's my cock your holding." Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual? A: A hunting dog sics ducks. Q: What do you get when you have a group of women with PMS and yeast infections? A: A whine and cheese convention. Q: What is the difference between boogers and broccoli? A: Kids won't eat broccoli. This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?" The doc replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye." A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?" They have finally released the secret of the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin 2% ibuprofen 1% filler 95% compressed air. The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!" "But what did I do to deserve this?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "'Skunk, killed with an ax'!" This guy was kicked back drinking a cold beer, watching his wife struggling to mow the lawn. His new neighbor, a NOW member, came stomping over and said disgustedly, "You worthless bastard, making your poor wife cut the grass while all you do is sit there and watch! You ought to be hung!" "I am," said the husband, "That's why she's cutting the grass." Q: How do you make a skeleton? A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel. Q: How do you make a sausage? A: Place a sock at the other end. Q: Why should you always puke in the gutter when you're drunk? A: So bums can have breakfast in bed. Q: Now that sex education has been added to school curricula, what are the three "R"s? A: Reading, writing, and rythmic dick. Q: What's a Blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Hump-Me, Dump-Me. Q: Which of the following doesn't fit: AIDS, cancer, a condominium, gonorrhea. A: Gonorrhea. You can get rid of gonorrhea. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: After you can drop your load in it, it won't follow you around for a week. A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in her more than ample breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." Q: What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor? A: "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?" Q: What does a girl call skinny dipping? A: Fucking a guy with a pencil dick. The Top 16 Signs You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School 16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies." 15> Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants. 14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!" 13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers. 12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize. 11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA. 10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure. 9> Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M. 8> Two words: Full Montessori 7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle. 6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat. 5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples. 4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato. 3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies. 2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila." 1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos." Q: Did you hear that Spike Lee is making his first black Western? A: It's called "Hi-yo, Motherfucker." Q: Why do men find it so difficult to make eye contact with women? A: Because breasts don't have eyes. A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I'll got nothing left to believe in!" An interviewer asked Stevie Wonder how he felt about being born blind. "Well, it could have been worse. I could have been born black!" Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? A: He walks around saying "Yo!" THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER: 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds. 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit. 15:00 Nap. 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage. 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower (alone). 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms. THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM: 6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 6:40 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee. 7:00 Limo arrives. 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under). 11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under). 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini). 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap). 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew. 16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs). 17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy Ireland. 18:45 Shit, shower and shave. 19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns- 19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963) 20 oz.New York steak. 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar. 21:30 Sex with three women. 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 23:45 Bed (alone). 23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart--dog leaves room. 23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep. A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do for you...he's in too far." Daffynition: Psychceramic - a crackpot. Q: What are the two most vital holes in a woman's body? A: Her nostrils, so she can breathe in between squirts. A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!" Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Because of a bad case of haemorrhoids, a fag went to his doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!" Q: What did the blind-mute-quadraplegic get for his birthday? A: Cancer. Q: Why do you often see faggots chewing gum? A: Because they can't buy a pack of come. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: Why don't little girls fart? A: Because they don't get assholes until they get married. The new prostitute just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, and handsome marine." "So, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much." "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well, how much money do you have?" The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job." He agreed, and after payment, she said "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....." "Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said. One day, God calls on Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time." Q: How are your dog and your blonde girlfriend alike? A: They both got the same thing on their IQ test...drool. Q: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs, but a 12 inch dick? A: Partially handicapped. Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married? A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just can't remember who with. Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A: A documentary. Q: What's the difference between Virginia and Arkansas? A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In Arkansas it's a misdemeanor. Q: Why is it so difficult to pronounce "fellatio?" A: It's quite a mouthful. Kosovo jokes -------------------- Q: What is the best way to cremate Albanian refugees? A: With friendly fire. Q: How are Clinton and Oliver Stone alike? A: They both work hard to recreate Vietnam. Q: How are Madeline Albright and Monica Lewinsky alike? A: They both suck at their jobs. Q: What is the technical term for the care packages we're sending to the Albanian refugees? A: The Tomahawk. 6. Why did NATO continue bombing through Easter? _ _ _ _ Apparently, Ramadan is the only bomb-free holiday that Clinton recognizes. Q: What constitutes a Jewish American Princess' breakfast? A: Diet coke and a jelly roll. Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire. The Truth About Men (according to a woman who, unfortunately for her, has never met me) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. ***** Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. ***** Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. ***** How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. ***** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. ***** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow. **** Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married Women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge. ***** What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married. Q: What did the fag do when he found out his boyfriend was a leper? A: He shit a dick. The Pope and the Queen of England were guests of honor at a ceremony commemorating the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd was enormous! Her Majesty and His Holiness couldn't help but feel a little competitive, being heads of their respective churches. The Queen said to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English subject in the crowd go wild?" He looked a little dubious, so she demonstrated. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicited rapture and loud cheering from every English national in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsided. The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by anyone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considered what he might do. Finally he said to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was most impressive. But did you know that with one little gesture of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? And THEIR joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will spring from deep in their hearts. They will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendents in turn for generations. The Queen seriously doubted this, and said so. "All that with one little little gesture of your hand? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. Q: What do you call a female peacock? A: A peacunt. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN ======================== -- Short version: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no) 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check for pecs again. (no) 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 8. Wash your face. 9. Wash your armpits. 10. Wash your penis and surrounding area. 11. Wash your ass. 12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 13. Make a shampoo Mohican. 14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. 15. Pee 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her. Long version: Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN ============================ Long version: (sorry, there is no short version with women) 1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Turn on the hot water only. 5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam. 6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm. 16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10. 17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water. 18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. 20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom. Q: What is brown and sounds like a bell? A: Dung. Q: What is the most difficult part of the operation of changing a man into a woman? A: The final step: sewing in the anchovies. A guy was having dinner on his first date with a blonde, and as he poured wine into her glass, said, "Tell me when." "After dinner, just like always," she answered. Q: How do you get a bunch of Mexicans out of your house? A: Tell them a Taco Bell truck is overturned on the freeway. Q: Did you hear what the Polack Pope's first miracle was? A: He made a blind man deaf. Q: Did you hear about the latest product tampering scare in San Francisco? A: Some guy put Super Glue in tubes of K-Y Jelly. Q: How do you hush a gay baby? A: Cram a pacifier in his asshole. Q: What do you call a Mexican female who has no legs? A: Cuntsuelo. Q: What are the seventy chores a woman must do? A: Cooking and 69. Q: What are the first four words every Puerto Rican child must learn? A: "Give me your wallet!" Two cowboys, one from Montana, one from California, were riding the range when they came across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, trying to get free. Seeing his opportunity, the cowboy from Montana drops his pants walks over to the sheep and screws it. When he was done, the cowboy from Montana asked the cowboy from California if he wanted to try it, so the cowboy from California stuck his head in the fence. Q: Did you hear what happened to the guy in the black tavern who yelled "Fire"? A: Everybody did. Q: Why don't lesbians ever wear yellow? A: Because they don't like to have pedestrians yell, "Taxi!" at them. Q: Why do you always stick a baby in the blender feet first? A: So you can see the expression on its face. Q: What is the real reason Arab women wear veils? A: So they can blow their noses without having to use their hands. Q: What is the Jewish definition of a "10?" A: A girl with four limbs and 6 million dollars. Q: Why don't flies bother Polacks? A: Even flies have some pride. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.] 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author doesn't know *my* dog.] 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop. Q: How long does a Jewish American Princess spend in finishing school? A: Once she finds a husband, she's finished. Three women were sitting in a gynecologist's office waiting for their respective appointments. All were knitting tiny sweaters for their soon-to-be newborns. The first exclaimed "I'm taking iron so my baby will be strong." The second exclaimed "I'm taking iron and calcium so my baby will be strong AND heave healthy bones." The third exclaimed "I'm taking Thalidomide because I forgot how to knit the sleeves on this dammed thing..." Q: Why did Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson finally get divorced? A1: She wanted children. So did he. A2: She liked to suck big dicks, he liked to suck little dicks. A3: The night he got rushed to the hospital was the first time she had ever seen him in bed. A4: He was always getting into her makeup. Q: How can you discern an Italian woman in a cow pasture? A: She's the one without a bell. Q: How can you tell that a Polack has wandered into the forest? A: All the bears are lighting fires to drive him back out. Q: How does a romance novel in Harlem end? A: The guy gets the heroin. Q: What is a Jewish American Princess's definition of a menage-a-trois? A: Two headaches and a hardon. Q: What term describes raping a Jewish American Princess? A: Raiding the ice box. Q: What do you get when you come inside a Jewish American Princess? A: Ice cream. Q: What is the most common STD among Jewish American Princesses? A: Headaches. Q: Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? A: So she can pretend she's shopping. Q: What did one lesbian say to the other? A: Your face or mine? There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!" Q: Why should you never go to a Chinese abortionist? A: Because half an hour later, she'd be pregnant again. Q: Why don't Jewish American Princesses ever exercise? A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers? A: It is known as the "My Fault" policy. Q: What is the insensitive base of the penis called? A: The man. A WASP high school senior was visiting the campus of Yale with her black classmate from the ghetto. As they were walking along, a very distinguished upper class male passed them in the opposite direction. "Oh, look, LaSqueesha!" the WASP said. "Don't you just love a man with a pipe?" "No, you stupid white bitch," was the reply. "Ah loves him wiff mah pussy." Q: Where does a Mexican woman go to get an abortion? A: To Orkin's. A Puerto Rican, who was new to New York walked up to a beautiful woman on the street, and asked, "Do you know where Central Park is?" "No, I don't," she replied. "Too bad. Well, I guess I'll just have to rape you right here." Q: How do you know that a leper used your shower? A: The bar of soap is bigger. Q: Did you hear about the Polack who got fired from his job of cleaning the toilets in casinos in Reno? A: He was skimming off the top. Q: What is different about little girls in a child molester's home? A: They was ate before they was seven. Q: Did you hear about the new book of fairy tales in ebonics? A: It's called Motherfucker Goose. Q: What do you call people who don't believe in extreme Fairy Tales? A: Republicans. Q: Did you hear what the primary way is Slick Willie abuses his wife? A: He stays married to her. Q: Why did Robin Givens usually used to be black and blue? A: Because Mike Tyson customarily knocks before he enters. Q: How can you tell if a Pollack has been drinking from the toilet? A: His breath smells better. Q: Why do Democrats give such good head? A: Because, as we have recently seen, they'll swallow anything. When Jesse Jackson started becoming financially secure from his speech- making, he decided to help out his own family by giving them work, so he hired his mother to clean his house. Unfortunately, he had to fire her for stealing. Q: What is the worst mistake Slick Willie ever made with Monica Lewinsky? A: Not letting Teddy Kennedy drive her home. Q: What do a tomcat on the prowl and a desperate poker player have in common? A: They both put everything they have into the kitty. Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody else. Some kid is playing by the side of the road when a car pulls up beside him. The driver winds down the window and says,"Little boy, little boy. If i give you a sweet will you come in my car?" The little boy replies, "Give me the whole bag and I'll cum in yer face!" Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar? A: Not even the pool table has balls. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were you when I got married?" "George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad." "I think you are lying." "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree." "Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!" "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. "I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. "I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. "I was also very very nobly motivated to protect Mom from this shock. "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already do on did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship." Q: What is the difference between the typical white teenager and typical Puerto Rican teenager? A: The white teen wants to make honor roll, and the Puerto Rican wants to make bail. Q: How can you tell if a bride is Jewish? A: She uses her veil to try to collect the rice. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A: Because even men's sperm won't stop to ask directions. Q: How does a whorehouse turn away customers? A: With a sign: Beat it, we're closed. Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock. An Italian who was forced to go to Hawaii with his wife was utterly miserable from the second their plane touched down. While taking a stroll on the beach their first night, his wife pointed to a man roasting a pig on a spit, and said, "Oh! Look at that!" "How stupid can a guy get," he replied, "We can't hear his organ, and he doesn't even realize that his monkey is on fire." Q: Why don't many black guys write books? A: Because it usually takes them 5 to 10 years to finish a sentence. Q: Why do men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline. Q: Why do women pierce their bellybuttons? A: For a good place to hang their air fresheners. Q: How do you make a cat drink? A: Run it through a blender, and then strain off the fur.