Q: What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: They both have a wet noses. Q: What do you call a tampon used by Nazis? A: A Twatstika. Q: What type of cards do they accept at Korean restaurants? A: Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? A: They're going to call her Old Spice. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: What caused the birth rate in Poland to skyrocket? A: When they started giving paper bags out to customers at grocery stores. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetary. Q: How can you tell if an Italian woman is embarassed by her long, black hair? A: When she wears long, black gloves to cover it up. "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only blonde in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'." Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: Why do so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: Why don't Italians have acne? A: It slides off. Q: How can you tell who is the Irish guy in the hospital? A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says... "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck." Q: Why haven't any women astronauts even been sent to the Moon? A: Because the Moon doesn't need cleaning. The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis. Why are they the worst? Well, O.J. slices....Fleiss hooks....Kennedy drives everything into the water, and Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in! Q: How did Miss Puerto Rico win the talent competition at the Miss America contest? A: She stripped a Cadillac in 3 minutes flat. Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians? A: A tong war. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends." "Oh, my daughter's a whore too." A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." Q: What is the difference between a faggot and a suppository? A: There is no difference. There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home. For his age, he was very fit and in really good shape. The nursing home's doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said, "How old do you think I am?" The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78." The old man smiled told the doctor that he was actually 98 years old. The man was walking out of the doctor's office and saw a little old lady sitting there. She was pretty gray and was all bent over. The man said to the lady, "How old do you think I am?" She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his various parts and counterparts. She kept this up for quite sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98." The man was stunned! He said, "How could you tell?" "I heard you tell the doctor." Q: What do you call a fat chic wearing a diaphragm? A: A 3/4 ton with a box liner. Q: How do you turn a triangle into a straight line? A: Shave it. Q: How can you tell if a girl is a genuine redneck? A: When she can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow. Q: What is an Italian's concept of a "10"? A: No moustache. Q: Why don't Arabs get circumcised? A: So they'll have some place to park their gum during sandstorms. Q: What goes black-pink-black-pink-black-pink? A: A black guy beating off. Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican business executive? A: "I'll take a dime bag." Q: How does a Puerto Rican social event review in the paper always begin? A: "Among those wounded in the gunfire were..." Q: How much does it cost to get a divorce from a Jewish American Princess? A: It doesn't matter, it's worth it. Q: What do you call a Jewish American Princess who has no complaints about her husband? A: A widow. Q: Why did all the L.A. cops leave the ball game early? A: They wanted to beat the crowd. Q: What does Woody Allen do when he gets really depressed? A: Goes to one of Mia Farrow's teenage daughters and has her blow his brains out. Q: Did you hear they came out with a new Oprah doll? A: Ken and Barbie needed a maid. Q: Why don't women have any right to complain when their psychiatrist has sex with them? A: Well, he titles himself "The-rapist," doesn't he? Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with Mick Jagger? A: A pussy with big lips. Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A: Because they won't work in the future, either. Q: What is a woman doing while looking at an blank sheet of paper? A: Reading her rights. Q: What is your first clue that a guy is a fag? A: He only checks his appearance in his rear-view mirror. Q: Why should you be suspicious of any guy who keeps passing gas around you? A: Because farts are faggots' mating calls. Q: What is your first clue that the woman who just walked into the bar is a lesbian? A: When she offers to lick everyone in the place. Q: What do Clinton & JFK have in common? A: Both of their careers ended with a stained dress. Q: What do you do after you just raped a 12 yr-old deaf & dumb girl? A. Break her fingers so she can't tell her mother. Poster in a queer bar: "Have you discussed AIDS with your partner?" Under which some fag has written "No, but I've communicated it." Q: What do you call two naked lesbians in a canoe? A: Fur traders. Q: How can you tell if you've stumbled into a lesbian bar? A: Even the pool tables don't have balls. After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last examination." "Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. Q: What does a lesbian do when her secretary makes a mistake? A: Gives her a good tongue-lashing. Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for a check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one. "What was that?" the other two ask, curiously. "Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby," she replies, patting her stomach affectionately. Satisfied, all three continue with their knitting. Five minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one. "What was that?" the other two inquire. "Vitamin tablet," she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby," and she pats her stomach affectionately. All three smile and continue busily with their knitting. Five minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one. "What was that?" ask the other two. "Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves." Q: How can you tell if a woman is a lesbian? A: When she wants to eat out every night. Q: What do lesbians always bring to work? A: Box lunches. Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A: The first couple of times you cough, it's not your phlegm. Q: Why are faggots such pricks? A: You are what you eat. Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween? A: Free home delivery. Q: What is a shit? A: A faggot's wet dream. "I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten........," the doctor's voice trailed off. "'Ten?' the man asks. "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine.......," Q: What did one pedophile say to the other? A: Have you got two fives for a ten? John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant by your and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport!" Q: Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek? A: Nobody will look for them. Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything? A: Another parish. Bumpersnicker: "No hand signals... Driver on Viagra" A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus. The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse. A passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver, "What is that all about?" The driver replies, "Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and I'm just teasing her." A baby harp seal walks into a bar. Bartender: "What will it be?" Harp Seal: "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks." A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them "Excuse me, what's your opinion of the meat shortage?" The Saudi replied "What's a shortage?" The Russian asked "What is meat?" The North Korean said "What is an opinion?" And the New Yorker says: "What's excuse me?" When a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW Bumpersnicker: 99% of lawyers give all the rest of them a bad name. Q: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? A: The hero always gets his man in the end. Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual? A: All the good guys are hung. Q: How can you tell if a household is homosexual? A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees." Q: Why can't queers get auto insurance? A: Because they get rearended too often. Q: What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt? A: Your wife's lipstick. An old maid was greeted by her niece with a surprise birthday cake that had enough candles to look like a forest fire. The old lady immediately began to cut the cake. "No, no!" said the girl, "You're supposed to make a wish first and blow out the candles!" "Deary, if I get my wish we won't need the candles!" Q: How are very old men like old bumper stickers? A: They're both very hard to get off. Q: What photo do Ugly girls carry in their lockets? A: A photo of a candle. Q: What do desperate girls do for exercise? A: Pushups in a cucumber patch. Q: What is "love?" A: The delusion that one woman is different from another. Q: How can you tell if a girl is really desperate? A: She sends change-of-address cards to all known peeping Toms. Q: How can you tell the girl you just were introduced to is exceedingly Ugly? A: You can't tell if your initial response should be to shake her hand or to sniff her ass. Q: Why do Ugly girls get tired of their sex lives more easily than the beautiful? A: Because for the Ugly it's always the same thing, wick in and wick out. A genuinely Ugly woman went to a shrink for therapy. She walked into his office, said no one ever wanted to look at her, and asked him if a shrink could help her cope with such rejection. "Certainly I can. Come on in and lie face down on my couch." On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, you bitch!" Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll slap you silly." Next moment both he and the parrot have been yanked out of their seats and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard!" Q: How can you tell when a girl is too flat? A: When you look down the front of her dress, and all you notice is her toes. Q: How can a girl tell when she is really Ugly? A: When she has to have tits grafted onto her back just to get laid. Q: How can a girl tell when she is too flat chested? A: When she applies for a job as a topless waitress, and all she can get hired as is a busboy. Q: How can a girl tell when her boyfriend needs viagra? A: When having sex with him is like trying to stuff a marshmallow into a parking meter's coin slot. Q: What's better than winning a Gold Medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being a retard. 22 Things No Girl Should Say to a Naked Man 1) I've smoked joints fatter than that. 2) Ahh, it's kind of cute. 3) I'm sorry. 4) Who circumcised you? 5) Why don't we just cuddle? 6) You know they have surgery to fix that. 7) My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 8) Oh no, a flash headache! 9) My 8-year-old brother has one just like that. 10) This explains your car. 11) Are you one of those pygmies? 12) Why is God punishing you? 13) But it still works, right? 14) Do you take steroids? 15) Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 16) Aww, it's hiding. 17) Are you cold? 18) If you get me real drunk first. 19) Is that an optical illusion? 20) It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 21) Does it come with an air pump? 22) So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. Nine Types Of Girlfriends ---===================--- 1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday. 2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans 3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious 4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? 5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed 6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs 7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends. 8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud. 9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you. Q: How can you tell which guy coming to the orgy is Polish? A: He's the one who shows up with an artificial vagina as his date. Q: How would you best describe the love life of a loser? A: Fist or famine. Q: What happened to the Polack the first time he counted to twenty one? A: He got arrested for indecent exposure. The newlywed Polack didn't know what to do with his bride, so he asked her. She told him: "Just get that thing you always play with and put it where I pee." So he went and got his bowling ball and tossed it in the sink. A man was driving home and a large bull-frog jumped in his car window. Before he knew it, it had unzipped his fly and was giving him the blowjob of his life. When he got home he handed the frog to his wife who exclaimed, "What do you want me to do with that frog?" The man said, "Teach it to cook, and then leave!" Q: What does a loser call it when he makes a fist and kisses his knuckles? A: Foreplay. Q: Did you hear about the new sex business specifically for losers? A: Self-service massage parlors. Q: How can a girl tell if the guy trying to pick her up is a real loser? A: When he sends a glass of water over to her table. "Why is Daddy so interested in the weather, Mommy?" the little boy asked. "Actually, Billy, your father has never been interested in the weather." "Never?" "Never." "Then why did he call Mrs. Smith six times on the phone to ask her if the coast were clear?" A little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Embarassed by the precocious question, his mother replied, "Well, would you believe that the stork brings them?" "OK, but who fucks the storks?" Q: Why are one-legged girls more liable to get raped? A: Because they can't cross their legs to save their asses. Q: If gin makes you grin and whiskey makes you friskey, what makes you pregnant? A: Two highballs and a squirt. Q: What is the best thing for a woman who has everything? A: A man to show her how to work it. Q: How are women like babies? A: When they both start to cry they're usually full of shit. Q: How can you tell if you are embarking on the perfect blind date? A: She comes to the door to greet you naked, and carrying a sixpack. Q: How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? A: She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. Q: What is the real reason husbands like to leave the lights on during sex? A: Light decreases the likelihood of them screaming out the wrong name. Q: Why can't men make eye contact? A: Because tits don't have eyes. Q: What is a girl's first clue that her date suffers from permature ejaculation? A: When he comes walking through the door. Q: Did you hear about the new radion station called KPMS? A: They play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues, and one week of ragtime. Dave met his old college friend, Graham in a bar one night and asked him what he was doing for a living. "Statistics," said Graham. "How does that work?" "Oh, you just get a number or two and come up with a conclusion." "Give me an example," Daved asked. "OK, you have pet goldfish, don't you?" "Sure." "How many do you have?" Graham asked. "35." "Then you've got a big pond, in a large garden, behind a big house, youve got four children, and active sex-life and you don't masturbate very often." "Wow! Exactly! Boy, am I impressed!" The next day Dave sees a friend of his and tells him about Graham and the statistics, and offers to show his friend how it works. "You have pet goldfish, don't you?" "No." "Then you masturbate." Q: Why does a piece of ass cost $50, while the chemical cost of the entire human body is only $12.45? A: Because a hole is always worth more than the sum of its parts. Q: What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant ? A: A street walker who does it for peanuts and remembers you forever. Q: Why did God give women nipples? A: To make suckers out of men. 1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Inescapable Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats. Q: What does it mean when a guy prefers girls who are the musical type? A: Musical types are always fit as a fiddle and tight as a drum. A highly drunk passenger got onto the airplane and sat in his seat. As soon as the stewardess came by he unzipped his fly and looked at her lecherously. "I'm sorry, pal," she said, "I need to see your ticket, not your stub." THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX: 1- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 2- On second thought, lets turn off the lights 3- Got any penicillin? 4- When is this supposed to feel good? 5- You're good enough to do this for a living 6- Is that blood on the headboard 7- But everybody looks funny naked 8- How long do you plan to be 'almost there?' 9- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10- Is that you I can smell? 11- Have you ever considered liposuction? 12- I really hate people who actually think sex means something 13- But my cat always sleeps on the pillow! 14- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 15- I was so horny tonight I would have taken anything home 16- You'll still vote for me, won't you? 17- You look younger than you feel 18- Have you seen Fatal Attraction? 19- KY Jelly or no KY Jelly, I said NO !! 20- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper 21- This would be more fun with some more people 22- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 23- It's nice being in bed with something you don't need to inflate !! 24- Did I mention the video camera? 25- My old partner used to do it a LOT longer! 26- And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend! 27- Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober..... 28- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29- They're not biscuit crumbs - it's only a rash. Q: You know what I did before I got married? A: Anything I wanted to. Q: How is a sun-tanned girl like a roasted chicken? A: The white meat is always the best part. Q: How is a female like a toilet seat? A: Without the hole in the middle, neither one would be good for shit. Q: What proof do we have that girls are really not made of sugar and spice? A: Their taste of anchovies. A woman walks around a supermarket. As she goes through the different sections she picks up one of everything: one can of beans, one carrot, one potato, one pint of milk, one pizza, etc. When she gets to the checkout guy, he says, "I bet you're single, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you guess?" she replies. "It was easy...you're hideous." Q: Why shouldn't a girl feel guilty when she loses her cherry? A: Because she still has the box it came in. Q: Why is pubic hair curly? A: Safety. If it were straight, you'd poke your eyes out. Q: What do a cobra and a two inch cock have in common? A: No one wants to fuck with either one of them. Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches? A: So they can look like their mothers. Q: How is a clitoris like Antarctica? A: Most men know they're there, but few care. Q: Did you hear about the new male hygiene deodorant called Umpire? A: It gets rid of foul balls. Q: Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy at Sears? A: Every time he gets a hardon, his garage door opens. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it. Q: Why do blondes where black panties? A: To mourn the stiff they buried there the night before. Q: Why do females fart after they piss? A: They can't shake it, so they blow dry it. Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was traveling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong. The woman replied "There's a man trying to molest me!" The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, "You must have scared off the man when you screamed." The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus. "What's wrong now?" asked the driver. The woman replied, "That man trying to molest me, he's under my seat!" The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy. The driver said to the man, "Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her." The man replies, "No, no, no! I'm just looking for my toupee -- I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!" Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. The young cannibal girl watched as her tribe lowered a preacher, who had been serving as missionary to them, into their boiling cauldron. "Now watch what happens next, dear," her mother instructed. "It is always easiest when we are cooking a man for dinner." "Why is that?" asked the curious youngster. "Because all you have to do to cook him precisely right is wait until his balls explode, then just add the potatoes and vegetables." Q: How did the newspapers report the death of the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: "Colonel Saunders Kicks the Bucket." Q: What was Richard Pryor known as after his freebasing accident? A: The Toast of the Town. Q: Why did the Polish athlete get thrown off their Olympic team? A: They found traces of Pepsi in his blood. Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with housework? A: Lifting his feet so you can vacuum. Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard. Q: How do you know when you are getting old? A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. GUYS' RULES FOR GIRLS Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Q: Who was the only famous African playwright? A: William Shakes-spear. Q: What was the name of the only black Secretary of the Interior? A: James Say Watt. REDNECK SEX TEST 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False 25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False Q: What is the difference between exotic and psychotic? A: Exotic is wearing a French tickler. Psychotic is wearing French toast. Q: What do Lucille Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common? A: They each had sex with a Cuban. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it! Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? A: He gets taller. Q: What does it mean when the post office is flying their flag at half mast? A: They're hiring. A man walked into a greasy spoon and ordered a hamburger. He watched as the slovenly, shirtless cook grabbed a fistful of raw meat, crammed it under his arm and began flapping his arm until it took the shape of a patty. "Ooooo! That's gross!" shouted the customer. "Hah! You think that's bad?" the cook retorted, "You ought to see how I make glazed doughnuts!" Q. Whats better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics? A. Walking. Q: Did you hear about Slick Willie's pet name for Monica Lewinsky? A: (In W.C. Fields-like voice) "Ah, My little humidor." Our Perjuror-in-Chief has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges: Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. Q: Why is the dropout rate so high at the school of proctology? A: It seems that the students just can't take it in the end. Q: Why should you watch your ass in the hospital? A: It's enema territory. Q: When is Chinese food at its happiest? A: When it's eaten out. A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my cunt got really sore." Q: What is the difference between Bill and Monica? A: One sucks at his job and the other sucks on the job. Q: What do you get when you cross Arnold Schwartzenegger with a Jew? A: Conan the Wholesaler. Q: What do you get when you cross a Communist with a lesbian? A: Chelsea Clinton. Q: Why did Clinton change his dog's name from its original "Spot" to "Buddy?" A: He didn't want Hillary to hear him wanderomg the White House and perpetually shouting, "ComeSpot! ComeSpot!" PRISON vs. WORK IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share. IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK these same people are called managers. Q: What do you call vegetables performing cunnilingus? A: Les-beans. Q: What Nazi leader maintained a concentration camp for hamsters? A: Joseph Gerbils. Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?" THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it." "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?" "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out." "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?" "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!" "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." "Got milk?" "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." Bill Clinton's latest intern was sitting quietly, getting on with her work, when the President himself popped in, "Hey, come into the oval room and have a look at my clock!" "Err, I am not sure if that is such a good idea Mr. President." "Hell! - why not, there's no harm in it, you just have to come into the office and have a look at my clock." "No really - I think that it would be best if I didn't." "Oh Come on - it is just a clock, just pop in and have a look" "Well, if you insist, but I'll be quick, and I only want to see the clock." As they went into the oval office, Clinton closed the door, and to the intern's astonishment, dropped his trousers, revealing all. "That's not a clock!" she said. "Well it will be if you put two hands and a face on it ..." HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer. Q: How could the Polack plead entrapment at his arrest for indecent exposure? A: Because someone had asked him to count to eleven. Q: What is huge, barren, burned, and glows in the dark? A: Iraq, if Clinton really had any balls. Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park? A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love. On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son, who was 35, woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son, a 29 year old, woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river, too. The youngest son (age 17) woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The teenager replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." But the strapping young lad eyed her suspiciously. "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" Q: What's so good about a blowjob from an Ethiopian? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: What would happen if the earth spun 30 times faster than it does now? A: Every day would be payday and all the women in the world would bleed to death. You Know the Computer Belongs to a Redneck if.... 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU. 5. The password is, "bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 11. The monitor is up on blocks. 12. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 13. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 14. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background. 15. The six front keys have rotted out. 16. And there are John Deer Pocket Protectors lying around. Q: Why do they put cotton in the tops of medicine bottles? A: To remind black pushers that they were once slaves. An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute." Q: If an athlete gets Athlete's Foot, what does a gynecologist risk contracting? A: Tunnel vision. Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" Q: What's the best thing about being a pedophile? A: Your dick looks really BIG in a little hand. At the 1998 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up and said, "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. "After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood and spoke, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. "After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered again. The third speaker from Ireland narrated: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. "After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." Q: Why did the blonde stop taking the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: What does a queer turkey say as he sucks your dick? A: Gobble, gobble, gobble de goup. Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress for ending AIDS? A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up. Q: Did you hear that Richard Gere has announced he has six weeks more to live? A: It seems the gerbil came out of his asshole and saw its shadow. Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual? A: He likes to play Lick the Can. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced. Q: How do faggots prefer to have their eggs? A: Up the ass, of course. Q: Where do most homosexuals in South America go for vacation? A: Crack-ass, Venezuela. Q: What did the Jewish guy name his new Japanese restaurant? A: So Sue Me. Q: What did the Nazis call lynching Jews? A: Soap on a rope. Q: What is a wrench? A: The place where Jewish people keep their horses. Q: A black guy and a white guy are jogging side by side when they enter a tunnel. Which guy always exits the tunnel first? A: The white guy, because the black guy has to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall. Q: Why did God create men? A: Because dildoes can't take out the trash. Q: What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman in a mastectomy clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink? A: "One lump, or two?" Q: What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy? A: He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her. Q: How does a typical Teamster start telling bedtime fairy tales to his kids? A: "Once upon a time and a half..." Q: What is the name of an account where you save your money to buy a supporter for your testicles? A: A truss fund. Q: What do you call it when two brothers shoot each other? A: Sibling riflery. Q: Why don't Italians ever have freckles? A: Because they slide off. The difference between a woman and a computer: A computer will go down on you more often than you'd like. But you only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What happened to the Jewish guy with a hardon who walked into the wall? A: He broke his nose. Q: Why did the Polish girl tattoo her zipcode on her thighs? A: So she could get male in her box. Q: Why do Puerto Ricans even bother to get driver's licenses? A: Because they come in handy for cashing bad checks. Three fags died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My boyfriend loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My boyfriend was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My boyfriend was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time." Q: Why do black people like fingerbowls in restaurants? A: So they can wash the silverware before they steal it. Q: What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl? A: A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?" Q: Did you hear about the tavern some Indians opened in New York City? A: They charge $24 for a Manhattan. Q: Why is the most common name for an Indian slut "Ninety-nine Cents?" A: Because they are always under a buck. A kid goes into a department store and tells the manager he wants a sales job. The manager tells him, "Sorry kid, we only hire experienced sales staff." The kid protests and says, but I'm a really quick learner. The manager concedes and says, "If you can do what I do, you can have the job." The manager then approaches the first customer who walks in the door and says, "Hi, can I help you." The customer says, "I'm just here for some fertilizer for my yard." The manager grabs the appropriate fertilizer and tells the customer, "Here you go, but may I suggest that, since your lawn will be growing strong, you buy this lawnmower too, it is on sale today?" The customer agrees, and buys both the fertilizer and mower. The manager walks up to the kid and says, "If you can do that with the next customer, you get the job." The kid went up to the next customer through the door, and says, "Hi, can I help you." The customer, quietly says, "I'm just here to get some Kotex for my wife." The kid grabs the appropriate box of Kotex and says,"Here you go, but may I suggest that you also buy this lawnmower too, it is on sale today?" The manager was perplexed, and the customer asked, "Why would I want a lawnmower with the Kotex?" The kid said, "Well, if your wife needs these now, your weekend is shot, so you might as well mow the lawn." The manager hired the kid. On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance" answered the young man. "I'll take care of all that," she replied. "You just pray for endurance." Q: What do a blind gopher and a virgin male have in common? A: They both have to hope they can find the right hole. Q: What does a blonde use for sexual lubrication? A: Chapstick. Q: What is the difference between an Italian and a monkey? A: An Italian has more fleas. Q: What’s the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can fuck some pig. The Chinaman was eagerly awaiting his firstborn in the hospital waiting room. Finally the nurse ushered him in to see the child which, to his dismay, was white. He asked his wife for an explanation. "Old Chinese proverb," she smiled, "Occidents will happen." A Jew and a Scotsman were having dinner together in a restaurant. When the bill arrived, the Scotsman cheerfully said, "I'll be happy to pay the entire bill." The next day's newspaper headline read, "Jewish ventriloquist shot dead in restaurant." Q: What's the difference between sand and menstrual fluid? A: You can't gargle sand. Q: Who was the world-famous Puerto Rican baby doctor? A: Doctor Spick. Q: How did the Polish hemophiliac die? A: Trying to cure himself with acupuncture. Q: What do you get when you cross a black guy with a Vulcan? A: A vulger. A guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and a double-barrel shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right into his penis. So he went to the hospital and was put under the gas. When he awoke, he found that the doctor had done a pretty good job repairing it. When he had recovered and was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him to complete your therapy." The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor, too?" The doc replies, "No, he a musician. He plays the flute. He'll show you where to place your fingers so you can urinate without pissing in your eye." Q: Who was the black cowboy who rode a palomino? A: LeRoy Rogers. Q: Why do Indians wear jock straps? A: Totem balls. Q: What positions do Jewish American Princesses prefer for fucking? A: "Positions?" Q: What proof do we have that Italian women are ashamed of their long, black hair? A: They wear long, black gloves to cover it up. Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall down around their assholes, and they vapor lock. Q: Where can a woman go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A: A mental hospital. Q: Why do black kids have bigger dicks than white kids? A: Because white kids get toys. Q: How do you keep your wife from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals." Q: Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra? A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass. Top Ten Advertising Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra: 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 9. "Here's the beef!" 8. "Get a piece of the rock" 7. "You've come a long way, baby" 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman" 4. "Tastes great, more filling" 3. "Viagra, built ram tough" 2. "Just do her" And . . . the number one advertising slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" Q: How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? A: It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway. Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Q: What do you say to a feminoid with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Bitch. Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch. Q: Why is a man like a lawn mower? A: If women aren't pushing one around, then they're riding him. A Polack began hitting on a rather attractive broad in the local bar. After a few drinks, he asked her, "So, how would you like to come back to my place for a party?" "Well," she said, "It's only fair to tell you that I am a lesbian." "Oh really!" he replied in his most charming tone. "How are things over there in Beirut, anyway?" Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy? A: Crust. Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him. Q: What did Miss Puerto Rico do for the talent portion in the Miss America contest? A: She stripped a Cadillac in two minutes, fifteen seconds. A blonde from the big city gets chased up a tree by one of the raging bulls on the farm. One of the ranch hands came to her aid, chased the bull away, and helped her down, then asked, "What's the matter, ma'am, can't you take it?" "Sure I can take it!" she snapped back, "But what would I do with a half-calf in New York City?" Q: What type of plane to Ellen Degenerate and Ann Heche fly in? A: A DC-10. The Top 15 Signs You Suffer From "Road Rage" 15> Driver's license exam question: "When passing on right, always _______________." Your answer: "Shoot to Kill." 14> State Farm refuses to insure your personal vehicle with gun turrets. 13> Other commuters force you into a rest area and conduct a rush-hour intervention. 12> You've packed enough guns and ammo to make a Tarantino film, yet you're just going to the market to buy milk. 11> You have an open account at Earl Scheib. 10> Your blood pressure's higher than Ditka's. 9> Someone cuts you off and the next thing you know, two members of your carpool get killed in the crossfire. 8> You've developed carpal tunnel syndrome in your middle finger. 7> You mounted your wipers on the inside to clear the spittle. 6> Lazy chopper pilot for Fox TV's "Real Crashes" simply waits in vacant lot next to your garage. 5> A) Teeth marks on steering wheel all the way down to the 5 and 7 o'clock positions; B) You're NOT Christian Slater, Mike Tyson, or Marv Albert. 4> Left forearm bigger than Popeye's from giving the finger and aiming the Uzi. 3> In traffic, that throbbing vein in your forehead gets big enough to honk the horn on its own. 2> You can't resist firing off a few practice shots whenever you pass a Target store. and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From "Road Rage"... 1> Two words: Feces slingshot Q: What is the definition of a Greek? A: That's a guy who believes in enlarging the circle of his friends. Police report a large shipment of Viagra was stolen today. They advise us to be on the lookout for hardened criminals. Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. Q: Why did the American lesbian have to cut short her stay in Asia? A: Because she missed her native tongue. Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese faggots? A: A tong war. Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Bruce?" "Sure." "Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!" "No shit?" Bruce asked. "Well, hardly any." Q: What do men and women have in common? A: They both distrust men. Marriage is a three-ring circus... Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and Suffering. Q: How do you get a fag off your back? A: Beat him off. Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than for a woman? A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. Q: What is a hermaphrodite? A: A bisexual built for two. The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thingey, I'm going to call the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket," he smiled with lecherous suggestivity. "Oh really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling. Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They're married. Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So oxygen can get to their brains. Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom? A: "Leave it, it's Beaver." Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes women's sex drive by 90 percent... Wedding cake. Q: What do you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra? A: Don King. Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Slow. Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. A Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. Q: What is white and runs down the toilet wall? A: George Michael's latest release. THE SEX CALORIE COUNTER: REMOVING CLOTHES With partner`s consent............. 12 calories Without partner`s consent........... 187 UNHOOKING BRA Using two calm hands..............7 Using one trembling hand........ 36 GETTING INTO BED Lifting partner...........................1.5 Dragging partner along floor.......16 Using skateboard.......................3 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS For normal healthy man........2.5 Losing erection.....................14 Searching for it....................115 PUTTING ON CONDOM With erection....................1.5 Without erection............... 300 INSERTING DIAPHRAGM If the woman who does it is: Experienced...................... 6 Inexperienced................... 73 If a man does it............... 650 Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room. POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen 26 Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission 55 American- Both on top 60 POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE Bouncing 7 Sliding around 9 Serious skidding 12 Whiplash 27 ORGASM Real 27 Faked 160 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off 35 Expression didn`t change 1/2 Orchestra swelled 6 Birds sang: Large birds 7 Small birds 3 Earth moved 30 PULLING OUT After orgasm 1/2 A few moments before orgasm 500 PENIS ENVY For woman 3 For men 72 GUILT Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally 53 You`re enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving 2 Sex on your lunch hour 3 Putting it on expense account 20 AGGRAVATION Partner keeps showing plant 5 Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14 Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time 10 Partner is taking phone calls 7 Partner is making phone calls 40 GETTING CAUGHT By partner`s spouse 60 By your spouse 100 Trying to explain 55 Trying to remain calm 100 Leaping out of bed 75 Getting dressed in one motion 500 A man gets a priapism and decides to get help for it. So he goes a pharmacy to see if there's any medicine for it. He walks in, and there's a lady behind the counter. She says to him, "May I help you?" He responds, "I'd like to speak to the pharmacist." "I am the pharmacist," she says. "Is there a male pharmacist available?" "There is no male pharmacist here. My sister and I are co-owners of this pharmacy. You may tell me whatever you would tell a male pharmacist." Chagrined, he mumbles, "Well, OK," and he unzips his fly, pulls out his penis, and there waves his raging erection. He says, "It's been like this for three days and I don't think it's going to go down. Can you please give me something for it?" "Hmmm," she ponders, "Let me go back in the back room and consult with my sister about this." A few minutes later, she comes back out front and says, "We can give you $500 cash, plus a half interest in the drug store." The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck." The boy nodded in agreement and said, "Sure, but then there wouldn't be a siren." Daffynition: PMS. Post-Marital Syndrome. The grade school teacher noticed that nine year old Billy, her favorite pupil, had not been doing too well in class recently. "What's been the matter with you, Billy?" she asked. "Well, I am in love," he answered in his best adult tone. Repressing a smile at his precocious declaration, she naturally asked "Oh? And with whom are you in love?" "You." "But Billy! While it's true that someday I will want a husband of my own, I wouldn't want to have a child!" "No problem. I'll use a rubber." Q: Why don't girls wear dresses in the winter? A: Chapped lips. Q: Did you hear about the new rubber inflatable doll targeted for the pre high school market? A: It's called "puberty helper." Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding? A: Puffed rice. Q: Why don't black guys like country music? A: When they hear the words "hoe-down" they think their sister's been shot. The twenty year old bride was sobbing at the funeral of her eighty year old husband. "Why are you crying, Sue?" her closest friend asked, "He couldn't have been much good to you, anyway." "Oh, no! That's not true!" the widow wailed. "Why every Sunday morning he made beautiful love to me in perfect accompaniment with the church bells! And just think! He'd still be alive today if that fire engine hadn't passed by." Q: How do you blind a woman? A: Put a windshield in front of her face. Q: Did you hear about the old lady with vericose veins who won first prize at the costume ball? A: She took off all of her clothes and went as a roadmap. Q: Why don't they teach both Sex Education and P.E. in Catholic schools? A: Because it tires out the choir boys. How good are you on your mythology? Q: Who was the dog with wings? A: Linda McCartney. The young stud went to the whorehouse in a small town and was dismayed to discover the only practitioner had gray hair and was very wrinkled. Being extremely horny, though, he started doing his duty anyway. The old whore obviously enjoyed what he was doing and encouraged him by saying, "Sonny, there may be winter in my hair, but you put summer in my heart." "So what?" replied the disappointed customer, "If you don't get some spring in your ass, I am going to be here until fall." The motel maid found a stain on the newlyweds' sheets and attached to it were a $5 bill and note which said, "Sorry." She changed their bedding for them and left a note on their pillow which said, "No problem. Come again." Q: Why do women have foreheads? A: So you have somewhere "else" to kiss them after you cum in their mouths. The middle aged woman was irate about how her husband kept flirting with the sexy young lady who had just moved in the neighborhood. One day she looked out her window and saw him chatting with the neighbor on the other side of the street, and became irate. She dialled her new neighbor's phone number in a huff. "Hello," answered the girl. "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street!" she shouted as sarcastically as she possibly could. "Why ma'am," replied the new neighbor, not to be outdone, "that's just exactly where he's been getting it for the past month." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy suddenly pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, all I know is I ain't touching it." Q: Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had practically nothing on? A: When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron. Q: What's the new cartoon about Michael Jackson called? A: Beavis and Buttfuck. Shortly after having sex with her new husband, the bride asked, "Dear, I can't help but notice something is wrong. Is it me?" "No, of course not." "Well, won't you share with me what it is?" "If you insist," he answered, "I am upset because when I walked out on my secretary at the maternity ward last night, she accused me of not really cring about her." Q: What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A: A girl who is free for the evening. Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife...She's not my wife...She's not my wife..." A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married." "Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same." Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So that they can stand closer to the sink. A Man's 25 Rules for Women 1.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down. 2.Don't cut your hair. Ever. 3.Don't make us guess. 4.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 5.Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 6.He's never thinking about "The Relationship." 7.Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 8.Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 9.Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 10.Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. 11.Anything you wear is fine. Really. 12.You have enough clothes. 13.You have too many shoes. 14.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 15.Your brother is an idiot. 16.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 17.No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. 18.Share the bathroom. 19.Share the closet. 20.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 21.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22.Nothing says "I love you"like sex in the morning. 23.Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 24.Check your oil. 25.Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. The highly pious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him speadeagled naked on their bed. "My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!" "OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the goddamned hiccoughs when I fuck in that position." Michael Jackson named his first child after the famous singer "Prince." He just had another baby, and this time named her after her father... "Turkey Baster." The bridegroom was overwhelmed by his good fortune in marrying a true "10" but on their wedding night his suspicions compelled him to ask, "Am I the first man ever to sleep with you?" "You will be if," she said in pausing her fellatio, "you manage to go to sleep." Q: What do you call balls on a faggot? A: Mudflaps. Q: What is the definition of true male eloquence? A: When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands. Q: What becomes of the guy who can't pay his bill at the whorehouse? A: They make him wash the douches. Q: What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills? A: Give her a good tongue lashing. Bumpersticker on a girl's car : "I may have lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in." Q: How can a masochist tell when he gets lonely? A: He gets starved for affliction. A husband emerged from the bathroom feeling frisky, only to confront his wife with her usual "headache" excuse. "How fortuitous!" he beamed. "You now have an excellent variation opportunity, as I just coated my dick with aspirin!" Q: How many surrealists does it take to replace a lightbulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and one to load the brightly-colored machine tools into the bathtub. Q: What do vampires use as snack crackers? A: Scabs. A boy comes to his father and asks, "Dad, what does a vigina look like?" "Well my son," the father says, "before sex it looks like a perfect pink rose bud with a sweet perfume." " So," asks the kid, "what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?" Q: What do you do after you've had a baby? A: Put its diaper back on. Q: What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and sex up the ass? A: One makes your day. The other makes your hole week. Q: What goes into thirteen twice? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What do women and ovens have in common? A: You have to get them both hot before you can stick your meat in. Q: What is pillage? A: About sixteen, for most girls. Q: What is the best way for a girl to avoid getting raped? A: Beat off her attacker. Q: How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess really dislikes sex? A: When she even has her guppies fixed. Q: Why do Jewish brides always smile at their weddings? A: Because they know that they've given their very last blow job. Q: When do Jewish men stop masturbating? A: When their wives die. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic?" A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic." Q: What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? A: Swim for your life. Q: What are two reasons why blondes can't mind their own business? A1: No mind. A2: No business. Q: Why can't Mexican dogs do tricks? A: Because the owner has to be smarter than the dog to teach it anything. Q: What’s the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can fuck some pig. Confucious say man who farts in church must sit in his own pugh. Q: Why do Arabs like to fuck near the edge of steep cliffs? A: Because sheep tend to push back harder that way. Q: Define the difference between liking, loving, and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. Q: How do Arkansans celebrate Halloween? A: Pump kin. Q: Do you know why it's so hard for women to urinate in the morning? A: Well, have YOU ever tried pulling apart a cold cheeseburger? Q: What is a "wrench?" A: That is the place someone from New York raises cattle. Q: Why do women enjoy a blow job? A: They know it's about the only time that they can get anything straight in their heads. Q: What do two lesbians do when they are both on the rag? A: Fingerpaint. Q: Why won't black guys mug Jews on Yom Kippur? A: Most times, they slow; that day, they fast. Q: What is a "wife?" A: The most expensive whore you will ever meet. A pedophile is walking into the woods with a young boy. It's dark, the wind is blowing and the trees are shaking. The boy says, "I don't like this, it's too frightening!" The peadophile looks down and says, "Yeah? How do you think I feel, I've got to go back all on my own!" "Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music" The Bill Clinton version: My Favorite Things Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite things Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite things Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite things Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad copyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson Q: What's the difference between Sodom Hussein and Bill Clinton? A: Sodom Hussein hides missiles in his Presidential Palace. Bill Clinton plays "Hide the missile" in his Presidential Palace. Q: What is a "fuckoff"? A: A tiebreaker in the Miss Universe contest. Q: What are they going to give Michael Jackson if he molests one more small boy? A: His own parish. Q: What is black and has 12 green tits? A: The garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic. Q: What is the best way to scare off a black mugger? A: Threaten to wipe a booger on his new tennis shoes. Daffynition: PMS. Post-Marital Syndrome. Q: What do they call an aborted fetus in Eastern Europe? A: A cancelled Czech. Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town. Lewinsky was never ordered to lie, only to kneel. Q: What did the blonde say to the swimming instructor? A: "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?" Q: What is a Polish bisexual? A: A guy who can masurbate with either hand. Q: What is a Mexican's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the cardoor. Q: What's the difference between sand and menstrual fluid? A: You can't gargle sand. Q: How can you tell when a pervert is a real loser? A: When blowing up his inflatable doll gives him a headache. Q: How do you know when your gilrfriend has been taking too many steroids? A: When she comes home, rips your pants down and fucks you in the ass with her clit. Q: How does a Mexican use the term "choo-choo" in a sentence? A: "Hey joo! Get off my chebby or I choo-choo!" Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide? A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train. Q: Why does Bill Clinton have a hole in his penis? A: So, he can think with an open mind! Q: How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It never gets changed as they are all too busy screwing the President. You gotta admire that Monica Lewinsky. She sure's got a lot of spunk..... In her hair, on her dress, down her throat..... Q: Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq? A: Because it involves attacking a broad. Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl who can run faster than the ex-Governor. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Q: What's the first thing Bill said after the Lewinsky allegations? A: "She never could keep her mouth shut." Q: How do Monica know Bill Clinton is done having sex? A: When she has to wipe the "Whitewater" off her blouse. Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A: It Takes A Village. Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he claims he didn't come. Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: Why will Bill Clinton's next job be in the NBA? A: Because he has broken one of Wilt Chamberlain's records. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: How is a man like the weather? A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them. Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They're married. Q: Why are men and spray paint alike? A: One squeeze and they're all over you. Potential Titles for Clinton's New Biographical Film: ALL THE PRESIDENT'S WOMEN FREE MY WILLY LIAR, LIAR 2 GOOD BILL HUNTING THE LYIN' KING INTERNS OF ENDEARMENT THE "VICE" PRESIDENT AFFAIR TO FORGET DAYS OF WINE AND BOZOs SEX, LIES, AND RECORDING TAPE Q: Do you know why it's called sex? A: Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!! Q: A black guy and a white guy are jogging side by side when they enter a tunnel. Which guy always exits the tunnel first? A: The white guy, because the black guy has to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall. Q: What was the midget's explanation when he got arrested for rape? A: "My friends put me up to it!" Q: What do you call a female midget who's very nice and gives head? A: Short, sweet, and to the point. Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Vietnamese? A: Chocolate Chip Gookies. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be? A: The least hairy of the three. A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart." A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "Be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "My diagnosis is that you are a natural blonde." "Why, yes, but what does that have to do with my pain?" she asked. "You have a broken finger." A woman walks into a toy store and asks, "Does this Barbie doll come with Ken?" The clerk responds, "No, she cums with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken." Q: What, with DraftDodgergate, Whitewatergate, Cattlegate, Travelgate, Filegate, shouldn't there be a "gate" word to characterize Bill Clinton's perpetual screwing around? A: Like, perhaps "Tailgate?" Q: What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant ? A: A street walker who does it for peanuts and remembers you forever. Q: How do you really scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q: Where in a book store is the best place to find a man who is handsome, a great lover, and a stimulating partner? A: In the pages of a romance novel. Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for most men? A: No phone numbers. Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Jon Benet? A: One was killed by Paparazzi and the other by Papa Ramsey. Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie? A: It's called, "Honey, I married the kids." Duet sung together by Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono (to the tune of: "I got you Babe") "I Got Yew Babe" I don't know, but I been told, that skiing's not a good idea when you're old.... Well, I don't know if all that's true, but I believe that wood's not all that good for you... Yew trees hurt babe.... On my face babe.... They don't move babe.... Q: Why did the monkey cross the road? A: To avoid a spanking. Q: Why does Slick Willie take Hillary with him everywhere he goes? A: So he won't have to kiss her goodbye. Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first? A: So you can see the expression on its face! Q: Where do Star Trek fans work out? A: At the "He's Dead, Gym." Q: Would it have been funny if OJ had been convicted of the murders he committed? A: Yes, it would have been a riot. Dave met his old college friend, Graham in a bar one night and asked him what he was doing for a living. "Statistics," said Graham. "How does that work?" "Oh, you just get a number or two and come up with a conclusion." "Give me an example," Daved asked. "OK, you have pet goldfish, don't you?" "Sure." "How many do you have?" Graham asked. "35." "Then you've got a big pond, in a large garden, behind a big house, youve got four children, and active sex-life and you don't masturbate very often." "Wow! Exactly! Boy, am I impressed!" The next day Dave sees a friend of his and tells him about Graham and the statistics, and offers to show his friend how it works. "You have pet goldfish, don't you?" "No." "Then you masturbate." Q: Why did God invent booze? A: So no Kennedy could ever become Pope. There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home. For his age, he was very fit and in really good shape. The nursing home's doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said, "How old do you think I am?" The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78." The old man smiled told the doctor that he was actually 98 years old. The man was walking out of the doctor's office and saw a little old lady sitting there. She was pretty gray and was all bent over. The man said to the lady, "How old do you think I am?" She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his various parts and counterparts. She kept this up for quite sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98." The man was stunned! He said, "How could you tell?" "I heard you tell the doctor." A cripple who had no legs daily used his dog to make it to the beggars' square downtown. The cripple sat on a small cart with wheels, and held on to the dog's tail. The dog would pull him where he needed to go. But one day an officious and portly matron approached the cripple and said, "I am from the ASPCA. Although we sympathize with your injury, we feel compelled to ask you if you couldn't find some better form of getting around than by just holding on to that poor dog's tail?" "A good observation, and I already have! When I am in a real hurry, I just grab the dog's balls and he shifts into high gear!" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. Q: Why don’t Mexican’s dogs do tricks? A: You have to be smarter than the dog to teach it tricks. Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's case of gas is really bad? A: You notice a skunk proposing to one of her farts. The handsome young man managed to persuade a babe he picked up in a bar to come home with him for a frolic. After he finished doing his duty, he rolled off of her, lit a cigarette, and smiled with a satisfactory expression. "You may look like Brad Pitt," the girl said, "but believe me, you are a rotten fuck!" "Hah!" he snorted with self-confidence. "What makes you think you are such an expert after only 30 seconds?" Q: Why don't they teach both Sex Education and P.E. in Catholic schools? A: Because it tires out the choir boys. THE TWELVE DAYS OF CLINTON On the first day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me The highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the second day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the third day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the fourth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the fifth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the sixth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our his On the seventh day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the eighth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Eight gay sailors, Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the ninth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Nine different condoms, Eight gay sailors, Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the tenth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Ten broken commandments, Nine different condoms, Eight gay sailors, Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the eleventh day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Eleven pregnant teens, Ten broken commandments, Nine different condoms, Eight gay sailors, Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. On the twelfth day of Clinton, That liberal gave to me Twelve illiterate students, Eleven pregnant teens, Ten broken commandments, Nine different condoms, Eight gay sailors, Seven feminazis, Six times the crime, Five pounds of weed, Four years of fraud, Three thousand lies, Too much government, And the highest taxes in our hist'ry. 12 Days of Christmas (Politically Correct Style) On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...) TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree..... Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A1: The only way he gets to see a woman naked is by buying clothes off a store mannequin. A2: The only way he ever wakes up stiff is by jogging 5 miles the day before. Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle." Q: How is marriage like divorce? A: They both begin when a man finds a woman who truly understands him. Q: What was the first time a woman deflated the ego of a man? A: When Eve said to Adam, "You could get by with a smaller fig leaf." Q: Who invented the limbo? A: A Scotsman trying to get into a pay toilet. Men. Give 'em an inch and they'll add it to their own. Q: How do you teach a woman to pick cotton? A: Set the strings on fire. Q: What gift/clue did the terrible lover get from his girlfriend for Christmas? A: An erection set. Q: What was the guy's first clue that his dick was too small? A: When his girlfriend went down on him, she didn't suck, she flossed. Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What did the retard say to his barking dog? A: "Down, Syndrome!" Q: How can you tell if a woman is too flat chested? A: She has to wear suspenders to hold up her bra. Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig? A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own. Ebonics version of verbal foreplay: "Stay cool, bitch. Ah gots a knife! Q: What did the blonde say when she woke up under a cow? A: Can one of you guys drive me home? A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." Q: What is the difference between a woman and a screen door? A: A screen door stops squealing after you lubricate it. Q: Why did God create lesbians? A: So feminoids couldn't breed. Q: What qualifies as good behavior in a Harlem school? A: Raising your hand before you pop a cap in the teacher. Q: How can you tell if your wife's cooking is really bad? A: When natives from the Amazon like to dip their arrowheads in it. Q: If you can catch Malaria from mosquitoes and Lyme disease from ticks, what can you catch AIDS from? A: Asshoppers. Q: How many feminoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb. One to complain that the lightbulb is violating the socket. One to secretly wish she were the socket. One to secretly wish she were the bulb. And one to get all turned on watching the others. Q: How can you determine if a guy is extremely pursuasive? A: When he comes home at 3 AM he is able to persuade his wife that the reason his breath smells the way it does is because he had a tuna fish sandwich for dinner. Q: How do you describe three prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. Q: What happens when you don't pay your bill at the whorehouse? A: They make you do the douches. Q: What does DNA stand for? A: National Dyslexic's Association. Dyslexics of the world, Untie! Q: How is a prostitute like a bowling ball? A: They both get picked up, fingered, then thrown back in the alley. Top ten things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman: 1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? 2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! 3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.. 4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.. 5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.. 6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day! 7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices! 8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy! 9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his seperate way for once? 10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat! Top ten things you'll NEVER hear one guy say to another guy: 1. Does my butt look fat in this? 2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis? 3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth! 4. Yours is bigger than mine.. 5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.. 6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.. 7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them! 8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commericals.. 9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.. 10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.. Q: What is the most reliable way to find a cunt in a dark room? A: Follow the cat. A man doesn't know what happiness is 'til he's married--but then it's too late.