Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in 
town one day.  As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty 
contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
	"I am entering," said Snow White.
 	After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, 
 how did you do?"
 	"First Place," said Snow White.
 	They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for 
 the strongest man in the world."
 	"I'm entering," says Superman.
 	After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How 
did you make out?"
	"First Place," answers Superman. "Had you any doubt?"
	They continue walking when they see a sign, "Contest! 
Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
	Pinocchio says, "This is mine."
 	Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
 	"What happened?" they asked.
 	"Who the Hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

Q: Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama?
A: He didn't want to be the worst president ever.

Q: Why does Obama believe in evolution?
A: His wife looks like a monkey.

	My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was 
my own fault. I should have taken them off.

	Obama: Just what we need, another black man in 
Washington begging for change. 

	My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front 
door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you 
bastard!"
	"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?" 

	Two drunks were driving down the road. The first 
drunk looked over to the other drunk and says, "I think 
we are getting closer to downtown."
	The second drunk says, "How can you tell?"
	The first drunk says, "We're hitting more and more 
people." 
	
	The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for 
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we 
should hold auditions for her part. 

	A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in 
an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them 
on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite 
her husband.
	At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough 
times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing 
crotchless panties?"
	"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
	"Thank God! I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. 

*A penny saved is a government oversight.*

	Hitlery Rotten Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary 
school in New York to talk about world affairs. After her talk, 
she offers question-and-answer time.
	One little boy puts up his hand. Hitlery asks him what 
his name is. 
	"Kenneth." 
	"And what is your question, Kenneth?" 
	"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in 
Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after 
your husband shamed the office? And, Third – whatever 
happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were 
Secretary of State?" 
	Just then the bell rings for recess. Hitlery Rotten 
Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after 
recess. 
	When they resume, Hitlery says, "Okay, where were 
we? Oh, that's right, question and answer time. Who has 
a question?" 
	A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. 
	Hitlery points to him and asks him what his name is. 
	"Johnny." 
	"And what is your question, Johnny?" 
	"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in 
Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after 
your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened 
to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of 
State? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes 
early? And, Fifth - where's Kenneth?"
	
   		I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

	Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted 
to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say 
if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she 
asked provocatively.
	"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."	

		Getting On The Bus
	Ted and his wife where waiting at the bus stop with Harry, 
his spouse, and Harry's nine children.
	At last the bus drew up, packed with people.
	The two women and the nine children managed to get on. 
but the men where left behind and had to walk.
	After trotting along the road for an hour, Ted's walking stick 
got on Harry's nerves with its continual tapping.
	"Why don't you put a rubber on that stick!" Harry complained.
	Ted snapped back "If you'd put a rubber on your stick, we'd 
have been able to board that blasted bus." 

	A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail sausage 
floating in the water.
	It jumps in to get the sausage and gets its paws wet.
	The next day its walking down the river again when it sees a jumbo 
sausage in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets its legs wet.
	The next day it walks down the river and sees a huge Cumberland 
sausage. It jumps in to get it and its whole body gets what.
	What's the moral of the story?
	The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!

		You know your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) Her plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

	One day the Sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town 
with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The Sheriff 
says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around 
town dressed like that?"  
	Billy-Bob replies "Well Sheriff, it's a long story!"  
	Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should 
tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well, Sheriff, me and 
Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. 
Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside 
the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got 
pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go 
up on the hill so we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing 
and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes 
and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my 
clothes except my gun belt and my boots. 
	Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her 
legs and said, "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

	I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  They make 
the wife look like she's moving during sex.

	i've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  My next 
crap could spell disaster.    

	The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine 
Gardens nudist camp.
	"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always 
lower your eyes?"
	"To see if it's true," she answered coyly. 

	Princess Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and 
they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. 
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must 
decide which of them gets in.
	St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she 
should go to Heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. 
They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will 
please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
	St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. 
Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her 
purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, 
you may go in. Have a nice day."
	Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I 
show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, 
pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?"
	"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day." 

	The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd 
slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all 
night!" 

	I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something 
was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on 
the kitchen floor,not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what 
to do.   Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 
11:30.   

	After both suffering from depression for a while, me and 
the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely 
enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel alot better.  So 
I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"  

Q: What's so good about a blowjob from a starving Ethiopian? 
A: You know she'll always swallow. 

	A mom of an eight year old boy was awaiting her son's arrival 
from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about 
making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a 
fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question," 
namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
	The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The 
boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises 
up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses 
the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
	The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. 
She said that she would give him a hint...that the sperm came out 
of the man's penis.
	Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU 
MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING?"

	Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and 
the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one 
day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot 
city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and stacked Texas lady.
	The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward 
and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
	The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, 
and shot the city slicker dead on the spot.
	The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 
honor!"
	Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 
Hell! No tenderfoot from back East is gonna raise the price of a woman 
in Texas!"

	The young hot Swedish au pair had been working for 
the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and 
efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told 
Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her 
boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from Army next 
week!" 
	"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his 
furlough?" 
	"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long 
as Mr. Schmitt's, just a little thicker."

	Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
	Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
	Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
	But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son 	
	
	A young couple gets caught making out in a car park buy a cop.
	The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?"
	The guys says, "Officer, we're just necking."
	The cop says, "Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in 
your pants and get the hell out of here." 

	A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
	The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have 
wool down there."
	The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or 
have sex?" 

		Fresh off of the news wire...
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered 
Slick Willie the Impeached Rapist's firm denial:
	I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter 
taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I'm 
getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and 
blown up in my face.
	This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, 
that's when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past 
and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only 
way I know how: head on.
	I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. 
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, 
that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight 
this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will 
not be stained by it.
	Thank you,
		Monica Lewinsky	

Q: What do you call a cannibal who only eats long-term comatose patients? 
A: A vegetarian.

	A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and 
playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a 
nearby tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
	"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me 
and run to the nearest tree."
	"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb 
a tree when you were in the process of fucking?" 

	The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one 
of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
	"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancy between 
the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, 
under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week' and 
your wife 'Three times a night.'"
	"Well, she's correct," replied the husband, "but that's only 
until we have paid off the mortgage on the house." 

	Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones 
went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
	Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
	Wife : "Those they gave away."
	Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning 
off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the 
little tight ones went for two thousand."
	Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
	Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

	The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing 
a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married 
now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens 
her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh!" he exclaims, 
"My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." 
	Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" 
	He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next 
to my heart forever."
	She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the 
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new 
wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." 
	At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, OH, 
OH MY! Let me get a picture." 
	He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

	A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth 
pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed 
this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk 
to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.
	He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" 
	The woman shook her head. 
	The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have 
a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and 
they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted 
rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." 
	The woman didn't even blink; she seemed to be too busy 
trying not to panic.
	So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she 
didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minutes later.
	In the middle of getting the tooth removed, she burst out 
laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. 
	He asked, "What's wrong?" 
	She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves 
I was wondering how they make condoms!"

WANTED: Charcoal salesman. Must be a self-starter.

Q  Did I tell you that I took my Apple Mac and painted it black?
A: I thought that it would run faster.

	One day in the future, Barack Obamarx has a heart attack 
and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,  where the Devil is waiting 
for him.
	"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are most 
definitely on my list, but I have no room for you. You emphatically 
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a 
couple of folks here who weren't quite as evil as you. I'll let one 
of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU 
decide who leaves."
	Obamarx thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil 
opened the door to the first room. In it was Teddy Kennedy and 
a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty 
handed. Over and over and over he dove in and resurfaced with 
nothing. Such was his fate in Hell.
	"No," Obamarx said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, 
and I don't think I could do that for all eternity."
	The Devil led him to the door of the next room.
	In it was LiberAl Gore with a sledge hammer and a room 
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time 
after time, making little ones out of big ones. Generating a 
great deal of AG carbon dioxide.
	"No, this is no good; I've never worked a day in my life and 
I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant 
agony if all I had to do was break rocks for all eternity," commented 
the Obammunist.
	The Devil opened a third door. Through it, Obamarx saw 
the draft-dodging Slick Willie, the impeached rapist, lying on 
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained 
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
playing his skin flute for all she was worth.
	Obamarx looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally 
said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
	The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Q: What is the difference between a man and a women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
	
	LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
	LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When Intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

	The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team
from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided 
to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 
and form one team therefore saving jobs.
	They will be known as the TAMPACKS... They're only good for
one period and have no second string.

Q: Why do corporate honchos like to slap their assistants on the back?
A: Before they stab them in the back, they like to tenderize the meat.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed...
Oh wait! He does!

If it were true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

			10 Things Men Know
1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare 
at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, 
for reasons not totally clear to them.
9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his 
daughter is in bed.
10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Q: What is the meaning of a 3 1/2" floppy?
A: An excellent reason to end a relationship.

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.

Click 'n Drag....a transvestite approaching in high heels.

Q: What's the difference between the pope and the president?
A: You only have to get on one knee for the pope.

	Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband 
and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hung over from a particularly 
wild party the night before.
	Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black 
coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had sex with in the 
garden last night?"
	She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" 
she replied.

It wasn't the apple that caused the problem at the Garden of Eden...
it was the pair on the ground.

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

Q: Why couldn't Joan of Arc go out with her French boyfriend?
A: She had a date with a Pole.

Q: What's the first serious sign of the onset of old age?
A: When dawn comes and you haven't.

Q: What do you call a chick with no arms and no legs on your 
Christmas tree?
A: Holly.

		Classy Things (for Chicks) To Say When Stressed:
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. UNfuck you."
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up."
5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a fucking people person?"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting."
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left."
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me."
11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."
14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
18. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

Q: Did you hear about the 80 year old man who streaked through 
the flower show naked?
A: He won a blue ribbon for Best Dried Arrangement.

	The bride said she wanted three children, while the young 
husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this 
discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would 
put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I 
will just have a vasectomy."
	Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I 
hope you will love the third one just as if it were your own."

	So, I asked my drug supplier for something that I could 
light up and would get me very stoned. 
	He gave me a Koran.

	The top 10 unoriginal Viagra slogans:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
	And the unanimous number one slogan:
1.This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Q: What goes "Ha, Ha, Thump, thump"?
A: A guy laughing his balls off.

	A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes 
across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
	He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears 
and tells him he has been granted one wish.
	The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live 
forever."
	"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
	"OK then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the 
budget and pay off the entire natioinal debt."
	"You crafty little bastard!" said the genie.

		Bar Translations. What They Really Mean:
	"No, really, I'm OK to drive."  =  I'm wasted, and I am too 
embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
	"I'm not used to these darts."  =  I'm not used to throwing 
anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
	"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to 
female)  =  You would look great face down in my lap.
	"You get this one, next round is on me."  =  We won't be 
here long enough to get another round.
	"I'll get this one, next one is on you."  =  Happy hour is 
about to end...now beers are 2 bucks, but by the next round 
they'll be 4 bucks a pop.
	"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."  =  You 
stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends?
	"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"  =  I have no interest 
in talking to you except as a way to get your hot chick friend 
into a compromising position.
	"Let's get out of here."  =  I just dumped half a jug of beer 
into that Harley guy's helmet.
	"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female)  =  I'm easy.
	"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male)  =  I'm gay.
	"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)  =  I am even willing 
to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
	"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)  =  If this is how wild 
I am in the bar, just imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home!
	"I don't feel good, let's go home." (female)  =  You are paying 
more attention to your friends than you are to me.
	"I don't feel good, let's go home." (male)  =  I'm horny.
	"I've had like 10 beers already."  =  I've only had 3 but need 
an excuse to behave this way.
	"Who's got the next round?"  =  I haven't bought a round in 
almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
	"Excuse me." (male to male)  =  Get the fuck out of the way.
	"Excuse me." (male to female)  =  I am going to grope you now.
	"Excuse me." (female to male)  =  Don't even think about 
groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.
	"Excuse Me." (female to female).  =  Move your fat ass. Who 
do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and 
don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing 
like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, biotch, like 
the slut you are.
	"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."  =  I owe that 
guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding 
him since football season.
	"What do you have on tap?"  =  What's cheap?
	"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab."  =  I already lined up a ride 
home with my "ex".
	"That person looks really familiar."  =  Did I sleep with him/her?
	"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)  =  I'm annoying, 
but cute enough to get away with this.
	"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)  =  It's 6:00 AM and 
I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half 
of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.
	"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"  =  I want to make my friend 
really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
	"I don't have my ID on me." (female)  =  I'm 19.Q: How do you say "watermelon" in Chinese?
A: Coon chew.

Title of new male horror movie: Chain Saw Vasectomy.

Q: What is a naked Polish girl doing when she bends over?
A: Applying for a job.

	The pastor was talking to a group of young children about 
being good and going to Heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, 
"Where do you want to go?"
	"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
	"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
	"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

		Aussie Sayings:(In case 'ya ever yerself 'down-under')
	HUNGRY:
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
	THIRSTY:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nun's nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a bull's bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
	PEEING:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"Need to syphon the python."
"I got to take a snake's hiss."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
	TAKING A DUMP: 
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
	VOMITING:
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
	INSULTING:
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk =
backwards."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organize a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."

Q: What do they call an English guy with no arms and no legs who gets 
dumped on?
A: Lou.

Q: What's a 72?
A: A 69 with a 5% meal tax.

	Two drunk blondes are stumbling home one night. 
One of the girls has to take a piss and stumbles off into 
a field.
	After quite sometime the girl waiting goes looking 
for the other girl. She finds her jerking off a horse. When 
she asked the jerker what she was doing, she replied, 
"Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."

	That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin 
to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the 
foundation on which personalities will be built.   
	I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach 
at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.   
	So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on 
and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I  decided it was a perfect time for a 
life lesson.   
	"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. 
"You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever 
expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?" 

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: Because she had just blow dried her hair.

Q: How many blondes does it take to turn a computer on? 
A: Just one. She  masturbates in front of it.

	A blonde took her pet goldfish to the vet and explained, "I
think he has epilepsy."
	After brief observation the vet said, "He seems calm enough to
me."
	"Well, duh!" she answered.  "I haven't taken him out of his
fishbowl yet!"

	That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin 
to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the 
foundation on which personalities will be built.   
	I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach 
at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.   
	So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on 
and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I  decided it was a perfect time for a 
life lesson.   
	"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. 
"You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever 
expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"  

	A blonde goes to her doctor complaining that she is 
exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed 
nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often 
she has intercourse.
	"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she 
says.
	The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
	"I can't cut out Wednesday," says the blonde.
"That's the only night I'm home with my husband." 

Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties 
on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.

Q: Why did the blonde nymho get herself arrested?
A: She wanted to be sentenced to the penile colony.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

Q: Why can't blondes become cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together.

Q: What is the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears?
A: A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine
with a bent quarter.

Jeffrey Dahmer likes children the same way he likes his fish: 
Battered,chopped up, and stored in the freezer.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

	A blonde chick goes to the hospital E.R.
	"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
	"Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage 
stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
	The Doctor examined her, chuckled and said "Those 
aren't postage stamps, my dear, they're the stickers off 
of bananas."

Q: How many men does it take to pop popcorn? 
A: Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show 
off and shake the stove. 

Q: How are men and parking spots alike? 
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left 
are handicapped. 

Q: How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know 
what she did with her cigarette.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was treated at 
the emergency room for a concussion and severe head 
wounds?
A: She had tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with 
a bungee cord. 

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was 
still stuck. 
 
Husband: "Want a quickie?" 
Wife: "As opposed to what?" 
 
			Tricking a Nun
	A 20 year old chick visited her doctor complaining 
of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual 
questions and then asked her to go behind the screen 
and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went 
her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The 
young woman was even more shocked but if it would help 
solve her problem she thought she had better do what the 
Doctor said.
	As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her 
to open her legs and when she did he put his head between 
them and rested his chin ahead anyway.
	When she was undressed he asked her to stand on 
right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very
positive "yes, yes" type noises the doctor instructed her to get
dressed again.
	Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her 
that the main cause of her problem was just that she was 
drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
	"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
	"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would 
suit me."

	You've heard the VISA slogan, "It's everywhere you want 
to be."  I guess that means there are a lot of chicks walking 
around with credit cards shoved up their cunts. 

Q: Why don't boxers have sex before a big fight?
A: They don't like each other.

Procrastination is like masturbation. You're only fucking yourself.

			You Might be a Redneck if:
	You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
	You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a 
movie.
	You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
	You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table 
in front of her kids.
	You ever cut your grass and found a car.
	The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than 
your wife.
	Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
	You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
	The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your 
neighbors.
	You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
	You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
	The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist 
attraction.
	People can hear your car a long time before they see it. 	
	
	LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
	LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

Q: When does a Man tell you he loves you?
A: When it's time for Sex, Poker night, or Monday night Football.

	Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.  Usually 
she slept through the class.
	One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell 
me, April, Who created the universe?"
	When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair 
behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" 
shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good." and April fell back 
asleep.
	A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" 
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came 
to the rescue and stuck her with his pin again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" 
shouted April, and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back 
to sleep.
	Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve 
say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny 
jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF 
YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL 
BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
	The Teacher fainted.

	A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.  He 
meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes 
off her pants and her panties.
	He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
	She says, "It's me lower mouth."
	He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"
	She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's 
got a mustache...it's got lips..."
	He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
	"Not always."

	A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and 
knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly 
yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike! 
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"
	He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, 
you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

	An Occupier Commie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun 
in the front seat. The Occupier looks over and asks the nun if she 
would have sex with him.
	The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets 
off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says 
to the Occupier, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that 
nun to have sex with you."
	The Occupier of course says that he'd love to know, so the 
bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the 
nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed 
in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You 
could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
	The Occupier decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes 
to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun 
shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the Occupier walks 
out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am 
God, and I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but 
you must have sex with me first," he says.
	The nun agrees, but asks for anal sex so she might keep her 
virginity. The Occupier agrees to this and quickly sets about having 
anal sex with the nun.
	After t!he Occupier finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts 
out, "Ha, ha, I'm the Occupier!"
	The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha, 
ha! I'm the bus driver!"

	Jane was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before 
the festivities.  After she woke up, she confided to John, her husband, 
"I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s 
present. What do you think it all means?"
	"Aha! You’ll know tonight,’ answered John smiling broadly.
	At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, John approached 
Jane and handed her small package. Delighted and excited, she 
opened it quickly. There in her hand lay a book entitled: 
"The Meaning of Dreams."

	A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS:
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer 
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of 
a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching 
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're 
just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the 
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, 
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. 
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women 
take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack 
this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. 
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated 
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too, if every time you open it 
you get into trouble with your girlfriend.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the 
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the 
world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that 
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how 
we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing 
some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, 
we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever 
I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige 
you as much as we can, but who the Hell (besides women) can stand 
lying around for hours on end? We men...Men hunters...Need go roam...
Starve in cave...Must go find wildebeest...   Now sitting on our asses 
for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed through 
evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without 
getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one 
spot for extended periods of time while stalking prey. The more successful 
hunters were able to sit very still for quite extended periods of time, 
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types 
were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, etc. The end result is 
that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say 
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men 
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own 
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho...Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a surefire 
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of 
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you 
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy 
for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we 
know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you 
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a 
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us 
stomach cramps.  And, unlike women, men shut their mouths long 
enough to build up the necessary backpressure for such ventings.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want 
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and 
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...buying?

Q: What does a man consider a great seven-course meal? 
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 

			New Years Eve One Liners
	A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year 
and out the other.
	My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping 
my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
	My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people 
who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
	I  have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between 
wants and needs.  May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy 
New Year!
	This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is 
really the only thing I do in excess.
	I'll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.
	Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. 
DIGNITY is not one of them.
	Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can 
turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years. It's called alcohol.

		New Years Eve Short Jokes
Q: What do you tell  someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking
in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!

	One day two brothers, Jack and John, decide to go out diving 
for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so, Jack 
decides to take it back to shore and grab another sack to fill.
	John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming 
towards him.
Frantically he calls out to his brother Jack, who is still at shore, "Bro! 
Help me! Help me! There is a shark heading straight for me."
	Jack calls back, "Yeah, I'm coming! bro."
	As John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him and 
bites off his leg.
	Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline, "Bro! 
Come and help me! The shark's bitten off one of my legs!"
	Jack yells back, "Yeah, hold on I'm coming."
	John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark 
bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack, "Hurry! 
Come and help me! The shark has now bitten off my arm and my leg!"
	Jack calls back, "Hold on, I'm coming!"
	When the shark bites off his other leg, John yells, "Jack, you 
have to come and save me! The shark has bitten off both my legs 
and an arm!"
	And as usual, Jack replies. "Just wait, Im coming."
	The shark then bites off John's other arm.  Now John has no 
arms or legs.
	His brother finally arrives to save him.
	"Come on bro, get on my back and I will swim you back to 
shore."
	When they get to the shoreline, Jack says with an exhausted 
sigh, "I feel fucked."
	And John replies, "Well, I had to hold on some how."

	A man returning from a first date encountered his porn star
neighbor chick in her adjoining driveway.  She inquired of him, "Did
you enjoy your date tonight?"
	"No.  I only got to first base."
	The porn starlet commiserated, "Well, look on the bright side -
at least you got your asshole licked."

In a recent sex survey 46 percent of women, when asked if they had
ever faked an orgasm, responded,  "Yes, yes! Oh, God! YES!"

	"Doc, kiss me," the hot chick murmured.
	"I can't," he replied.
	"Doc, please kiss me!" she continued.
	"Look, lady.  I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

		One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
	So the teacher says, "OK kids, I am thinking of something round 
and red."
	Little Suzy pipes up, "I know! It's a tomato."
	"No, but you were thinking. It's an apple," replies the teacher.
	So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and 
says, "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a 
head on it."
	"Go to the principal's office!" says the teacher.
	"No, but you were thinking," says Johnny, "It's a quarter." 

			Some Pickup Lines:
	Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a 
nice set of buns.
	Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?
	Do you sleep on your stomach? No? May I?
	There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
	Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then 
allow me to introduce myself.
	True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one 
I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
	Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the 
table and take what I want?
	I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to 
your belly button.
	You must work at Subway, because you just gave me a footlong.
	Did you fart? 'Cause you just blew me away.
	Are your parents retarded? 'Cause you sure are special!
	My Love for you is like diarrahia - I can't hold it in.
	You've got all the curves, and I've got all the angles.
	I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream.
	If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

	One winter, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny 
beaches of southern California to escape the cold. The first flea 
got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms 
and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a 
shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell 
happened to you?"
	To which the second flea replied, "I just rode out here on a 
bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
	The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin' 
here?  First you go to the airport, go straight to the men's commode, 
wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you 
climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm."
	The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next 
winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the 
sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting 
suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About 
that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', 
and mumblin' about how cold he was.
	The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I 
taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
	To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I 
went to the mens commode and this young pilot came in and sat 
down. I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so 
very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. 
All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that same 
biker's mustache!

	A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail 
sausage floating in the water. It jumps in to get the sausage 
and gets its paws wet.
	The next day it is walking down the river again when it 
sees a hot dog in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets its 
legs wet.
	The next day the cat walks down the river and sees a 
huge Cumberland sausage. It jumps in to get it and its whole 
body gets wet.
	What's the moral of the story?
	The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy.

		New Years Resolution: For Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm 
lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be Pavlovian to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried 
competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are 
from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or 
they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF 
how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
	AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets:
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND.

			New Years Eve Short Jokes:
Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of 
drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the  problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!

A woman is like a pack of cards -
	You need a heart to love her,
	A diamond to marry her,
	A club to smash her head in,
	And a spade to bury the bitch.

	Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and 
their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up 
and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you 
know, they're standing before St Peter.
	First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St Peter 
shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too 
much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named 
Penny."
	Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you 
in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, 
you even married a woman named Candy!"
	The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, 
"It doesn't look good, Dick."

	Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear 
before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
	"What is your name?" he asked.
	"John," the guy answered.
	"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
	"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and 
blowing smoke." he answered.
	The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he 
dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
	"What's your name?" he asked.
	"John," the guy answered.
	"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
	"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and 
blowing smoke." he answered.
	Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called 
adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he 
thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
	"What's your name? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
	"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

Q: What did Santa say when he saw the three blondes?
A: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms.

	“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Not Sally”

Q: Why is a blonde's coffin triangular?
A: Because when she lies on her back her legs open.

Q: Why are blondes like TVs?
A: Any three year old can turn them on.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow

	An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command.  
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to 
see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
	He went to the chief cook to ask how this feat was done, 
so it could be used on other ships under his command.
	The chief replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut 
out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears 
the insignia."
	Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
	The chief shrugs and replies, "If you feel that way sir, 
I strongly suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

		Santa's  Problems
	I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year, and since you have, I will 
be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to 
leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to 
bring you all gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas, 
but we had a little problem. 
	The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with 
VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancin; the 11 
lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, 
and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing 
unnatural things to the 7 swans a-swimming.  The 6  
geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle
doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to
my sled runners in bird  shit.
	On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of  my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have all joined Gay Liberation, and some people who
can't read a calendar have re-scheduled Christmas 
for the 5th of January.
	Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit 
together and bring you the things you want. This year, 
I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before 
everything is gone.
		Sincerely,
		Santa  Claus

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't 
work half the time.

Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention 
of marrying? 
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no 
intention of driving.

Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? 
A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until 
next time.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. 

			Facts Of Life
	A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. 
After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points
of love-making:
	Father: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different
women say different things during the sex act, even if you are 
doing the same thing.
	Son: What do you mean, Dad?
	Father: Well, for example, their words will vary according 
to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, 
"Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will 
ask, "Are you done already?"
	Son: What do other women say?
	Father: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to 
do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will 
say, "This won't hurt one bit."
	Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend 
over."
	Father: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank 
teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A 
stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and
breathe normally."
	Son: And what does mother say?
	Father: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should 
paint the ceiling beige."

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

	I love math tricks and this one really works and will only take 
you about ten seconds!
	Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favorite 
movie.
	I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, 
and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
	Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very 
favorite movie EVER!
	DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to 
the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary 
true and accurate this test is!
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second 
digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 
seventeen movies below:
		Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

	One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of 
the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and 
asks, "Mommy, what's that?" 
	"That's my mop", she replies. 
	The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" 
	The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight." 

			Dating vs Married 
	-When you are dating, farting is never an issue. 
	-When you are married, you make sure there's 
nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
	-When you are dating, he takes you out to have 
a good time.
	-When you are married, he brings home a six 
pack, and says, "What are you going to drink?" 
	-When you are dating, he holds your hand in 
public.
	-When you are married, he flicks your ear in public. 
	-When you are dating, a single bed for two isn't 
THAT bad.
	-When you are married, a king size bed feels like 
an army cot.
	-When you are dating, you are turned on at the 
sight of him naked.
	-When you are married, you think to yourself, 
"Was he ALWAYS this hairy?" 
	-When you are dating, you enjoyed foreplay .
	-When you are married, you tell him "If we have sex, 
will you leave me alone?" 
	-When you are dating, he hugs you when he 
walks by you for no reason.
	-When you are married, he grabs your boob any 
chance he gets.
	-When you are dating, you picture the two of you 
together, growing old together.
	-When you are married, you wonder who will die first.
	-When you are dating, just looking at him makes you 
feel all "mushy". 
	-When you are married, when you look at him you 
want to claw his eyes out. 
	-When you are dating, he knows what the "hamper" is 
	-When you are married, the floor will suffice as a dirty 
clothes storage area.
	-When you are dating, he understands if you "aren't 
in the mood." 
	-When you are married, he says "It's your job." 
	-When you are dating, he understands that you have 
"male" friends .
	-When you are married, he thinks they are all out to 
steal you away.
	-When you are dating, he likes to "discuss" things.
	-When you are married, he develops a "blank" stare.
	-When you are dating, he calls you by name.
	-When you are married, he calls you, "Hey," and refers 
to you when speaking to others as "She".

			Vocabulary Meanings:
1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male....................The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female................Fully opening up one's self emotionally 
to another.
B. Male....................Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female...............The open sharing of thoughts and 
feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...................Leaving a note before taking off for 
a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female...............A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...................Trying not to pick up other chicks while
out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female...............A good movie, concert, play, or book.
B. Male...................Anything that can be done while drinking.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female..............An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male..................A source of entertainment, self-expression,
and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female.............The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
B. Male.................Call it whatever you want just as long 
as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female.............A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
B. Male.................A device for scanning through all 175 channels 
every five minutes.

	You might be quite surprised ...Most of us know of the comparable
relationship between Lincoln and Kennedy, but have you ever considered
the comparisons between President Obama and President Lincoln?
	Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama.
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama
used the very same Bible Lincoln used for his inauguration, a Koran 
being unavailable.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the
Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama
had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his
inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington 
for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was highly respected by some, but intensely disliked by
others. Obama is highly respected by some, but intensely disliked by
others.
7. Abraham Lincoln was a tall, skinny lawyer. Barack Obama is a tall,
skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln held to basic Conservative and Christian views. Obama is a
tall, skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln volunteered in the Illinois militia, once as a captain, twice 
as a private. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln firmly believed in able persons carrying their own weight.
Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.
11. Lincoln was undeniably, and without any doubt, born in these 
United States.  Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.
12. Lincoln was honest - so honest that he was called "Honest Abe".
Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.
13. Lincoln showed his obvious respect for the flag, U S
Constitution, and the military. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.
 	Amazing, isn't it!

		FEMALE POEM 
	I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong. 
One who loves to listen all day long. 
One who thinks before he speaks, 
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
	I want him to be gainfully employed, 
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, 
Massages my back and begs to do more. 
	Oh!  For a man who makes love to my mind, 
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" 
I want this man to love me to no end, 
And forever be my very best friend. 
		MALE POEM 
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac, with huge boobs 
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. 
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. 

Q: What did island inhabitants off of Thailand say when they saw the
tsunami approaching?
A: Oh, Phuket!

Pickup Line: Pardon me, I  couldn't help but notice your 
pussy is empty.

	Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge. 
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when 
to be mute.
	Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
	Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in 
an institution? 
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.  Ergo...
	Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's 
not so hot. 
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the 
strings.
	Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, 
it doesn't  matter
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
	Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been 
invented.
	Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has 
to buy the license.
	Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is  the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
	Second marriage is the triumph of hope over  experience. 
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the 
trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding her breath?
A: Increasing brain capacity.

Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend 
a blow-job while he was driving?
A: They both fell off the motorcycle.

Q: What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
A: They always have a cock in them.

	A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road 
and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a 
reason that you're weaving all over the road?" 
	The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're 
here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a 
tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there 
was another tree in front of me!" 
	Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, 
the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."

	After returning home from an examination, the young blonde 
phoned her gynecology and asked. "Doctor, would you see if by 
chance I left my panties in your office?" 
	He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and 
told her, I'm afraid they are not here."
	"Sorry to have troubled you, doctor," she said. "I'll try my 
dentist."

	"Doctor, I think my boobs are filled with water," said 
the blonde.
	"Water! How's that possible?"
	"Whenever some guy presses them, my pussy gets
wet."

Q: Why were the black school kids so angry when their teachers 
went on strike?
A: Because they didn't have anybody to mug.

Q: Why has the Polish game show run for seventeen years on TV?
A: Because no one has answered the question yet.

Q: What is the quickest way for a city to save money?
A: Hire a Vietnamese family to run the dog pound.

	A prostitute was in hospital having a kidney removed. 
Just after the doctor had removed the kidney he was about 
to stitch up the wound. 
	Just then the prostitute woke up on the operating table.  
She looked up at the doctor and asked him not to bother stitching 
up the wound. 
	When the doctor asked why, she replied, "Well, I've been 
doing it a bit tough lately and I'd like to see if I can get some extra 
work on the side."

Q: Why are Italian chicks always late for school?
A: It takes an extra half hour to comb their bodies.
	
Q: Did you hear about the Polack who was standing on a very high 
ledge and the suicide hotline?
A: They transferred his call to Dial-A-Shove.

			Boob Icons  
(o)(o)  perfect breasts 
 
( + )( + )  silicone breasts 
 
(*)(*)  high nipple breasts 
 
(@)(@)  big nipple breasts 
 
oo  a cups 
 
{ O }{ O }  d cups 
 
(oYo)  wonder bra breast 
 
( ^ )( ^ )  cold breasts 
 
(o)(O)  lopsided breasts 
 
(Q)(O)  pierced breasts 
 
(p)(p)  hanging tassels breasts 
 
\o/\o/  Grandma's breasts 
 
( - )( - )  flat against the shower door breasts 
 
|o||o|  android breasts 
 
($)($)  Jenny McCarthy's breasts

	An old Jew lay dying and asked his daughter for pen and 
paper.  On it, he wrote: "Jacob Goldstein, Soviet citizen."
	His daughter asked, "Father, you struggled so long and so 
hard to get out of that Commie slave house!  Why would you 
want to be identified as a Soviet citizen?"
	"Because if I should, God forbid, go to Hell, I want to be 
put in the Russian section."
	"Why?"	
	"Because I know for sure that there the heat won't work."

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Siamese twins?
A: They weren't joined.

	A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in 
the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
	The man gets up and goes to the door where a 
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is 
asking for a push.
	"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three 
o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns 
to bed.
	"Who was that?" asked his wife.
	Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he 
answers
	"Did you help him?" she asked.
	"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning 
and it is pouring rain outside!"
	His wife said, "Can't you remember about three 
months ago when we broke down and those two guys 
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should 
be ashamed of yourself!"
	The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed 
and goes out into the pouring rain.
	He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
	"Yes!" comes back the answer.
	"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
	"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
	"Where are you?" asks the husband.
	"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
	I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she 
said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her 
hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Q: What is the difference between coaching an American Olympic 
team and a Russian Olympic team?
A: To coach an American Olympic team, you must keep the men 
and the women apart; to coach a Russian Olympic team, you must 
tell the men and women apart.

Q: What is always the toughest part about coming back from 
a Polish vacation?
A: Bus lag.

Q: Did you hear about the Polack who was desperate to get 
into Hollywood?
A: He hit himself in the kneecap with a hammer so that they 
would cast his leg.

Q: Why wouldn't the Polack buy toothpaste?
A: Because his teeth weren't loose.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. 

	Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good 
news is that you are not a hypochondriac. 

	When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend 
they talk about football.
	When middle management are together, they talk about 
tennis.
	Top management discusses golf.
	Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the 
smaller your balls are. 

		Big Tits vs.Little Tits
		Chicks with Big Tits...
..can get a taxi on the worst days.
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change.
..have always been the center of the arts (art).
..make jogging a spectator sport.
..can keep a magazine dry while lying in the tub.
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter 
than they).
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie.
..can always carry a little extra cash.
..always float better.
..know where to look first for lost earrings.
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner.
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in 
an armless recliner.
..never have to buy a car with airbags.
..have a place to carry a extra beer.
		Chicks with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend 
over in public.
..always look younger.
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their 
lap.
..can always see their toes and shoes.
..can sleep on their stomachs.
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
..know that people can read the entire message on their 
T-shirts.
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire 
aisle.
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of 
knocking themselves out.
..never be accused of having implants.

	Two blondes were having lunch together, and 
discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
	The first woman says, "I need to be honest with 
you, I'm getting a boob job."
	The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, 
I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
	To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't 
picture your husband as a blond!" 

			Fake Orgasms  
	Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something 
the majority of men would rather not question in case they 
discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not 
in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a 
pathetic creature with a problem who needs to be patronized.
	For those of you who would prefer not to ask her but 
would still like to know here is a simple checklist to help you.
	1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment 
it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and 
take away the magazine she's been reading. If she says, 
"Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.
	2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or
sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough 
on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else 
she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
	3. A rule of thumb which is usually very accurate is: stop 
at random and record her response. If every time you stop she 
says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If 
she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
	However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking 
has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep and 
missed most of the excitement. 

			Confucious Say
	Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon 
burn out. 
	It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to 
fill it. 
	Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there. 
	Man who sit on tack, get point. 
	Man with hand on tool not always mechanic. 
	Man who lives in glass house should change in 
basement. 
	He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. 
 
	Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over 
and starts stroking Hank's beard.
	Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
	Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right." 

		Thoughts On Aging
	Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else 
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
	There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of 
memory. I forget the other two. 
	You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse 
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 
	Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot 
more work. 
	Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five 
women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? 
	You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the 
office start confiding in you. 
	Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. 
	By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too 
old to go anywhere. 
	Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, 
and have begun to grow in the middle. 
	A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow 
down by his doctor instead of by the police. 
	You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution 
is the only thing you care to exercise. 
	The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its 
way through Congress. 
	You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't 
get it started. 
	You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after 
feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. 
	You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. 

			Some Pickup Lines:
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?  
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a 
feed bag.  
If it is true that we are what we eat, I could be you by 
morning.  
I was about to go and masturbate and I needed a name to go with 
your face.  
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti. Lets go 
fuck.  
Is that a keg in your pants? 'cause I would love to tap that 
ass!
You remind me of a championship bass - I don't know whether to 
mount you or eat you.  

	Man, I used to date a big fat fucking pig. Big girl, 
keeps her vibrator on a gun rack. Keeps her contraceptive 
foam in a fire extinguisher. One night she forgot her 
diaphragm, we used a hubcap.
	She took off all her clothes, lay in bed, spread her 
legs...I said to myself, "What am I doing in this lane?  I 
don't have exact change."
	But she was always fat.  She was born an only twin.
	She used to find money that was left under her pillow 
by the tusk fairy.
	I mean, you know a girl is fat if she's standing in front 
of you naked and you can't see her pubic hair.
	She had cheese in the folds of her neck.
	She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was 
bigger.
	I didn't know whether to fuck her, or take the burro ride 
down.
	Her last gynecologist quit.  He's afraid of the dark.
	She puts in her tampons with a bazooka.
	One night there was a fire in her apartment building, 
and the firemen were using her diaphragm to catch the 
people who were jumping out of the windows.
	I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide 
which face to sit on.
	It takes her an hour to take a dump...Forty-five minutes 
just to line up the holes.
	She's got boogers the size of Swedish meatballs.  
Hey, when she sneezes, we've got appetizers.
	Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that 
they built the sidewalks too close to her ass.

	Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend 
Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell 
you what they're like." 
	"Okay," said his buddy. 
	"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure.  She's short on 
looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty 
and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by 
wearing shoes with very high heels." 
	"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over 
heels anytime."

	Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over 
the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies 
Paul, "You know that really hot chick at work that I wanted to ask 
out, but I got a raging hardon every time I saw her?" 
	"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening 
up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
	"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" 
	"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was 
worried that I'd get a hardon again. So I got some duct tape and 
taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
	"Sensible," says Jeff. 
	"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. 
She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
	"And what happened then?" Asked Jeff. 
	"I kicked her in the face."

Q: Did you hear what happened at the Saturday Market?
A: Some woman got raped by a troupe of mimes.  They 
performed unspeakable acts.

Q: Why are chicks like pianos?
A: If they're not upright, they're grand.

	Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a 
tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists 
in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each 
of them one last request before they were beheaded and 
dragged naked through the streets.
	Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like 
one last plate of fried chicken." 
	The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned 
with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die
content."
	Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York , so I'd like 
to hear the song, 'The Moon and Me,' one last time." 
	The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had 
studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned 
with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson 
was satisfied.
	Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to 
take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and 
what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear 
it and know that I was on the job 'till the end." 
	The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder 
and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can
die happy."
	The leader turned and asked, "And now, Mr.U.S. Marine, 
what is your final wish?" 
	"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. 
	"What?" the diaperhead asked. Will you mock us in your 
last hour?" 
	"No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," 
insisted the Marine.
	So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him 
in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, 
pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the 
leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm 
on six more of the Islamofascists, then with his knife he slashed 
the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from one of 
the others, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. 
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives. 
	As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, 
they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first 
place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?"
	"What!" replied the Marine, "and have you three libtarded 
assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

	Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage 
as they wisely realized that for sixty grams of sausage, 
it is not worth buying the whole pig.

	Two diesel dykes in a bar were looking at a hot chick across 
the room. 
	The first dyke said, "Boy, I sure would like to plumb her depths 
with my tongue."
	"No, you wouldn't," said the second, "I know her, and she's hung
like a doughnut."

	A priest suffering from a dry persistent cough went to see 
his doctor.
	After careful examination and thorough blood tests the doctor 
told him, "I am sorry father, but you have AIDS and you are going 
to die."
	"Oh!  How horrible!" sobbed the priest.
	"Yes, I understand, father," said the doctor. "I know you 
must be disappointed about dying."
	"Hell, no.  Everybody dies.  What disappoints me is honor.  
Used to be that you could trust altar boys."

	You Know You've Had A Good Blow Job when 
your pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.

Q: Why do men have nipples?
A: So fags will know what they're missing.

Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-assed.

Q: How can you tell which house the fag lives in?
A: On the doormat it says, "Wipe your knees."

Q: What do you call an epileptic fag?
A: A vibrator.

Q: What does a vampire lesbian get every 
twenty-eight days?
A: A free meal.  

Q: What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman 
in a mastectomy clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink?
A: "One lump, or two?"

	Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You:
20.  After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19.  Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18.  Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
17.  Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won 
at solitaire.
16.  Only moans during commercial breaks.
15.  Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14.  Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13.  Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12.  You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11.  Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10.  During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, 
Yadda,Yadda."
9.  Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8.  Her moans of delight discovered actually to be a .wav file.
7.  Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave 
her pants on, too.
6.  Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5.  Boredom?  So that's why she keeps deflating!
4.  Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you 
along.
3.  Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2.  She yells out her own name.
1.  Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

	Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party 
at his pool. 
	When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned 
to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?" 
	The other answered, "Yeah! That's probably because they have 
toys to play with!" 

		His And Her Farts. Attention women:  
	Until your farts start smelling like cinnamon buns, quit 
bitching. I'm tired of women bitching when guys fart. Farting 
around a woman is like listening to a radio permanently stuck 
on the wailing bitch station: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FARTED." 
	Yeah it's real hard to believe that guys have the ability 
to let out air from their colons. Call Ripley. 
	Women shriek non-stop about how bad guys stink when 
they fart, then they act like they fart sunshine and kittens from 
their assholes when they rip one. 
	Women farts smell like old men: Not only is the elusive 
potpourri poop-chute a myth, a woman's fart is embarrassing,
whereas a guy's fart is something to behold, like a fine wine 
you swish in your mouth and spit out to savor the flavors. 
	A real fart is beefy, has a density greater than or equal 
to the air surrounding it, consists of the unmistakable scent 
of broccoli, and usually requires wiping afterwards. 
	When a woman farts, it can best be described as "efficient."
The sound is a modest toot; a minimalistic, almost innocent 
sounding release.  A true testament to the jumbled bundle 
of neurons that goes into mapping every woman's brain to 
her asshole. The efficiency comes from the ratio of reek to 
weak (how bad her fart smells in proportion to how weak-sounding 
it was). 
	The farting double-standard is bullshit. Women giggle 
and put their hand up to their mouths, as if to say "Oops! I'm 
cute!" No bitch, you're not cute. Your shit stinks. Either fart 
loudly and deny it, or don't fart at all. 
	Leave the farting to men, at least we know how to get 
the job done.

		MALE BASHING! 
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's 
in diapers.  
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You 
shut the door.  
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be 
able to put them all up there.  
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little 
to be out alone.  
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - more 
horsepower and they never mature anyway.  
6. Men are all the same - they just have different 
faces, so that you can tell them apart.  
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the 
opportunity to make some chick miserable.  
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are 
the do-it-yourself types.  
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest 
he is too old for it.  
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.  
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental 
hospital.  
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert 
for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask 
for directions.  
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, 
tell him checkbooks.  
14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you 
tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have
in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. 

	One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
	"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly." 

	A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. 
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've 
stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the
accelerator!" she cries.
	The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He 
will be there in less than two minutes."
	Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 
dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde 
is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "Force of habit, 
I got in the back seat by mistake."

		 TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
1. Sag, You're It.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners.

	You Might Be a Redneck If...(2014 Edition)   
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the 
same tree. 
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour 
with a fly swatter. 
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off 
the high dive. 
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the 
governor to spare a loved one. 
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and 
he doesn't want it. 
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 
13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 
14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 
15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the 
monkeys. 
16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 
17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 
18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 
19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 
20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 
21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 
22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 
23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 
24. You have a rag for a gas cap. 
25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during 
Christmas dinner. 
26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 
27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms 
so clean. 
28. You can spit without opening your mouth. 
29. You consider your license plate personalized because 
your father made it. 
30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 
31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill 
your deer quota. 
32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all 
say Cool Whip on the side. 
33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 
34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 
35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler. 
36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 
37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 
38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop 
always brings you home. 
39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 
worth of improvement. 
40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 
41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" 
42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 
43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 
44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your 
teeth and you take them out to see what it is. 

	Two female co-workers are having a conversation at  work.  
	"Did you have good sex last night?"
	"No. It was a  disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner 
in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, 
rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How  about you?"
	"Oh it was amazing...  My husband came home. He took me 
out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. 
When we came home he lit the candles around the house and 
we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long 
fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour.  It was like in 
a fairytale."
	At the same time their husbands are  talking at work. 
	"Did you have good sex last night?"
	"Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, 
I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.  What about you?"
	"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because 
they cut the electricity 'cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I 
had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive 
that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home 
for an hour.  I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't 
get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. 
After I finally did I was so angry and aggravated that I couldn't 
fall asleep for another hour."

	John  was in the fertilized egg business. He had  several 
hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the 
soup pot and was replaced. 
	This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and 
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, 
so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
	Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency 
report by just listening to the  bells.
	John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine 
specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't 
rung at  all.  
	When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters 
were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, 
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
	To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, 
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and 
walk on to the next one.
	John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the 
Kansas City Show and he became an overnight sensation 
among the judges.
	The result was that the judges not only awarded old 
Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him 
the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
	Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who 
else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most 
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up 
on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.

	Now here are the rules from the male side.
		These are our rules!
	Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need 
it down. You don't hear us complaining about 
your leaving it down.
	Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the 
changing of the tides. Let it be.
	Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
	Crying is blackmail.
	Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
	Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
	Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do.
	Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
	A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
	Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument.
	In fact, all comments become null and void after 
seven days.
	If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, 
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
	If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't
ask us.
	If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we 
meant the other one.
	You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know 
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
	Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
	Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither
do we.
	ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default 
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
	If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
	If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but 
it is just not worth the hassle.
	If you ask a question to which you don't want an answer,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
	When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.
	Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are 
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun 
formation, or monster trucks.
	You have enough clothes.
	You have too many shoes.
	I am in shape. Round is a shape.
	Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to 
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really 
don't mind that? It's like camping out.

Q: What is similarity between an audio cassette and a chick? 
A: You can use them on either side.

Q: What is Anthony Wiener's favorite meat?
A: Pulled pork.

		Things Not To Say To A Naked Woman: 
"Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon."  
"How many storage boxes can you fit in there?"
"You must be very experienced."
"Remember, you said this was a freebie,right?"
"Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in."
"I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it."
"Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?"
"Would you mind rolling around in this flour?"
"So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality."
"Look...I can fit my whole arm in!"
"It's a good thing you have so many other talents."
"Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?"
"Do you mind if I wear one too, in case yours falls off?"
"Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?"
"I've been wondering all night what that smell was."
"Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body."
"You know they have surgery that can fix that."
"I expect a good time.  At least, the bathroom wall said so."
"You're not THAT fat."
"I see why everyone said with you, it's better with the lights out."
"Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does."

	Thinks You Don't Want To Hear Or Say In Bed
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
Is that you I smell?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
This would be more fun with some more people, is 
your brother at home?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober...
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

	On their wedding night, a man who'd married a virgin couldn't
wait for the deflowering.  They hopped into bed and he immediately
began groping her.
	"Darling," his bride said, "I expect you to be as mannerly in
bed as you are at the dinner table."
	"Very well," he responded, "will you please pass the pussy?"

	A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about 
their ailments. 
	"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup." 
	"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour 
my coffee." 
	"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." 
	"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." 
	"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." 
	"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we all can 
still drive."

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
A: A bush-hog.

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: How can you tell if you have a bull dyke co-worker?
A: You find the toilet seat up when she leaves the stall.

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both looking for dead beaver. 

			Better Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is 
now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and 
after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more 
damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:  Something other people have. You have character lines.

Q: What is the most popular pickup line at a comic book convention?
A: "Your parents' basement, or mine?"

	Recently in an interview Jessica Alba said that the reason she
won't appear topless in movies is so that her grandparents won't see
her boobs.
	In related news, Alba's grandparents are now receiving
multiple death threats.