YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD WHEN: 1. Your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you have to reply, "Well, I can't do both." 2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, but you're barefoot. 3. You see a Serious Babe, and all that happens is, your pacemaker opens your garage door. 4. You don't care WHERE your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along. 5. You are getting warnings to slow down from your doctor, instead of from the police. 6. "Getting a little action" means you have enough fiber in your diet. 7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the mall parking lot. 8. An "all-nighter" means you don't have to get up out of bed to piss once. Guys are like bras: they hook up behind your back. Chicks are like condoms: they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Gray-haired terrorist Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people who frequent this establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?" God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun! "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and, in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust. What a great time I had! Tomorrow I'm going back wearing my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap! Serious Signs Of Menopause... 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson." 5. The entire Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 6. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. 8. You suspect that most of your blouses have 'missing' buttonholes. Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff? A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would reconcile. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws." This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a May Day, "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me! She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama." "OK," says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven..." DATING DICTIONARY ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men, or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay a virgin until married. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a warzone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!" George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the nation has gone to Hell, so it's a local call." Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What was black and came in little white cans? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson? A: Richard Pryor got burned on coke, Michael Jackson got burned on Pepsi. Q: What did Michael Jackson reminisce about when he got nostalgic? A: Blowing his first nose. Q: Why were Michael Jackson's pants so small? A: Because they weren't his. Q: How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: From a catalog. Q: What iwas Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song? A: "And Then He Touched Me." Math teacher: "After 69, what comes next?" Blonde: "You wash your hands and rinse your mouth...duh." There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit, Dad. You please pass the fucking potatoes!" Q: How many feminoids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: one to change the bulb, one to write about the socket being exploited, and one to wish she were the socket. Q: What should you do if your date screams, "I can't take it any longer"? A: Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer. Q: Do girls like paintings of nude men in their living rooms? A: Yes, as long as they're hung well. A young guy walked into the doctor's office wanting an appointment for some surgery. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the hot receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in." Q: How can you tell if an Indian is gay? A: All his scalps have handles. Q: What is French asthma? A: That's when you can only catch your breath in snatches. Q: How are squirrels like faggots? A: Sometimes they have nuts in their mouths. So Muslim brothers come to America, and before separating to start their new lives they make a bet to see who can become the most Americanized after a year. They meet after a year, and one brother says, "I just dropped my kids off to baseball practice and we're having McDonald's for dinner." The other brother says, "Fuck you, diaper head!" A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the TV porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck." The other day, while Mike was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman. Mike replied, "Big tits." "No, I meant for a serious relationship." Mike said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?" "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Mike. "No woman's tits are that big!" Q: Why did the priest get AIDS? A: He forgot to clean his organ between hymns. Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences? A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice. Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A: All he's concerned with are legs, breasts, and thighs. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she"s not that ugly." Q: What's the sex "change" theme song? A: Yes, We Have No Bananas! Q: What happens when you're feeling low? A: Your date slaps you. Q: What's next to the Andes? A: The Amoses. Q: What's smaller than a flea's asshole? A: A flea's shit. Q: What's a gay astronaut's greatest ambition? A: To visit Uranus. Q: How did Adolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer get his name? A: He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast. Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? A: Easy...You call them up and tell them you can't come. Q: Did you hear about the new high school course? A: "Intercourse" You go between periods and you are expected to come. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the extensive examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what is wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." Statistical Findings: 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place. 36% of the women favor nudity. 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of the women experienced anal sex. 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning. 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest. 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than having sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it! Q: Why do blacks only have nightmares? A: Because the last one that had a dream got shot. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: Have you heard about the gay who put a nicotine patch on his penis? A: He's down to three butts a day. Q:What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. Q: Why won't black people go on long sea cruises? A: They're not falling for that one again. Q: Why did the former porn star get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car. Relationships used to be X's an O's, now they're just Exes and Hoes. Terms For Female Masturbation: 5 Digit Disco Buzzing the honey hole Backslappin' Betty Bailing out the Gravy Boat Beaver bashin' Bouncing the bearded clam Buffing the box Buffing the jewel Buttering up the whisker biscuit Clam twiddlin' jamboree Critter crammin' Damming the beaver Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone Diddling Miss Daisy Diggin' for clams Digitis Erectus Fingering the fountain Flicking the minnow Friday night lip service Frosting the muffin of love Giving yourself the finger Going for the gooey duct Impeaching Bush Juicing the clam Let your fingers do the walking Lip smacking Menage a'moi Petting the kitty Piddly Diddler Playing the squeezebox Pokin' the pie Polishing the little pink pearl Pumping the kooter Punchin' the chipmunk Reading in Braille Riding the clitoris-sauras Romancing thy own Roughing up the suspect Self-guided tuna boat tour Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose Spanking Lucy Stroking the newt Ticklin' the taco Tissue tickling Twirling the pearl Unbuttoning the fur coat Warming the wrist rocket An old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his hot young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing nothing but a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. "What happened here?" "I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife. Just then a naked guy with a hardon floats by "Who's that?" demands the husband "I dunno, must be a life guard." Before And After Marriage Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky and Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start. Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy. Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare. Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start. Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret. After - Fruit of the Loom. Before - Feathers and handcuffs. After - Ball and chain. Before - Idol. After - Idle. Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Croissant and cappuccino. After - Bagels and instant coffee. Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks. Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you? Real men don't wear pink, they eat it. Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her Weight Watchers meeting . "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a chick with a trim hard body," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings." Q: Do you know what drag is? A: It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. There was a young guy who was a chubby chaser. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat chick walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and then sweet talked his way into her bed. Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?" "Why," said the fat chick, "Am I that ugly?" "No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you every time I thrust I keep burning my ass on the lightbulb!" Q: How can you tell when you're too fat? A: When you step on your dog's tail and it dies. Q: What is your first clue that a guy is a fag? A: He only checks his appearance in his rearview mirror. Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac? A: The hunting dog sics a duck. George meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell George is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is. George replies, "The people at Victoria's Secret are SO rude. There I am in their store and I'm trying to buy some panties for my girlfriend, and I'm picking some out... and the manager asks me to leave! All I was trying to do was decide which ones I liked. So I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere." Reminds me of the hot chick who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies. "Don't you mean 'ovaries'?" the doc says. "No," she says. "We had better have a look," says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says, "You're right! It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there." I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this. In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education. When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place? Q: Who's always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue? A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage. The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "Facial" is used. DID YOU KNOW that frozen shrimp left sitting out for about three days in a small enclosed area tends to smell like the vagina of an 80 year old hooker? Chicks just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date...as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts...I can't even get a girl to do that. I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet! A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute illegal alien from Mexico outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by that Marxist Black Muslim in the White House and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my back in Mexico...I want to bring them all over here" -- and PING!-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. "One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" --and -- PING! -- The wetback was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had all his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?" The fairy said, "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white honkey American, you have to fend for yourself." Mrs. Murphy and Mrs.Goldberg lived next door to each other for over forty years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs.Murphy came to Mrs.Goldberg and said, "This house is becoming too much for us. Let's sell it and each move into a home for the aged." Each went to a home of her respective religions and was soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Goldberg, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs.Goldberg. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs.Murphy said, "So, how do you like it here?" Mrs. Goldberg went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility, and the caretakers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me what you do." Mrs. Goldberg said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Goldberg said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?" She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Goldberg said, "So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below." Mrs. Goldberg said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck." Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins? A: They lick alike. Q: How do you know you're really lonely? A: When your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth. Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." Bill: "Why is that?" Bob: "I've been screwing his wife." Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A: Any place without a drive-up window. Why It's Important to Keep a Civil Tongue: In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic and cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Victoria Cross and after three expeditions wound up behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..." Here the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker." Pickup Lines Lets play Titanic: when I say iceberg, you go down. You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts? Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra? Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again? You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants. What time do you have to be back in heaven? I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me? Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy? Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I? Playing doctor is for kids. How about you and I play gynecologist. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself. Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you? The last time I saw you, I was dreaming. Hi, my name is Bob. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight. I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine! That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing. All those curves, and me with no brakes. Voichek is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a micro-mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone "commando." The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you staring at my naked vagina?" "Yes, I am," Voichek admits, and promises to try to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right," replies the hot chick, "It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough her vagina blows him a kiss. Voichek, who is now completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Voichek stares in fascination as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the chick, patting the seat beside her. Voichek moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick two fingers into it?" Stunned, Voichek replies, "You're kidding me! You mean it can whistle, too?" Q: What do you call someone who stands six feet two, weighs 230, is bearded, tattooed, and can survive walking into a room full of feminoids bellowing, "Which bitch wants the first fuck?" A: Another feminoid. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is in whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks? How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there? No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him an used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A: His wife is good at picking out clothes. (the male author responds to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's rest room): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to piss on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to piss, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little fuckers can't be trusted. After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to piss like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and piss. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to murder me in my sleep. Young Harry's wife had died, and at the funeral Harry was in a terrible state. He kept crying, yelling, pulling his hair, and wailing. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?" The priest took pity on the poor man and went over to him. "My son," said the priest, "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away and you will find another woman, marry again, and forget about all this in the years to come." "Yeah, Yeah, I know all that," Harry sobbed, "But who's gonna cook my dinner and give me a blow job tonight?" Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Don't give up on your dreams - keep sleeping. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you're fatter than they are. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything she wants to blame on it. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a supermodel? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by the KKK? A: A fagpole. Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers? A: Burger Queen. A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This hot chick sits down next to him. He turns to her and says, "Hey, how 'bout it. You and me, getting it on. I have got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?" A five year-old girl is speaking with her father. "Daddy, what's that between your legs?" "That's my hedgehog." "Wow! It's got a massive cock." Q: What is women's most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. A worried father confronted his hot chick daughter one night. "I don't like your new boyfriend - he's rough and cheap, and fucking stupid to boot." "Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Cleotius is so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month." Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was in danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69. "Good God, Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?" "Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary." Q: What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A: Telling you his real name. Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A: Chicks cook-we eat; chicks clean-we dirty; chicks iron-we wrinkle. Q: How do men exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure. Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex. A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "'Good", she replied. "Get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it. Man with hand on tool not always mechanic. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Why does toilet paper need commercials? Who is not buying it? Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract. One night a man was getting very drunk in a bar. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the lady's room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said, "So is thish!" Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic? A: He eats and then he sticks his finger up his ass. Q: When does a chick care for a man's company? A: When he owns it. Eighty-five percent of all Americans don't know where Ukraine belongs on a map, and neither does Vladimir Putin. Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says, divided by two. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the all kids are in college. Q: Who is the poorest guy in Arkansas? A: The Tooth Fairy. Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow disease? A: Because they're all pigs. Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and to spell it. The first girl says, "toast" -- T O A S T. The second boy says, "eggs" -- E G G S. Little Johnny says, "fuckin nothing" -- F U C K I N G N O T H I N G. The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is Geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!" Etiquette For Men: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car d. When his date is using her teeth Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies' birthdays is optional. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. Q: What do you call a coke bottle full of bees? A: An Arkansas Vibrator. Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb? A: Let's go ride bikes! Q; What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city? A: In the end, the hero gets the heroin. Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone? A: Tickle his balls. Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A: The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm. Q: What do you call two Irish queers? A: Ben Dover and Phil McAvity. Q: How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence? A: It protects the property without obstructing much of the view. Q: What would you call a girl who's fat and perverted? A: A bisexual built for two. Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom? A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. Q: What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? A: Whisky improves with age. Q: Why are men like the letter Q? A: Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion. Nymphomaniac Doug took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous." "We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her. Doug suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away. "Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked. The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Doug! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" Doug opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok, Doc..." he said, "but when you take that thing out of her, it better have numbers on it!" Q: Why should you be suspicious of any guy who keeps passing gas around you? A: Because farts are faggots' mating calls. Beer ~vs~ Pussy A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw. If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy Twenty-four beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy. Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a Beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, The Chick may get angry. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get angry. Advantage: Beer. Six beers in a night and you better not drive. Six pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage:Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: Beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: Beer. Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think al day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage:Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Advantage: Draw If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly take you back. Advantage: Beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage:Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Draw Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy. The government taxes Beer. Advantage: Pussy. It's a close call, but the numbers never lie: Beer 8; Draw 4; Pussy 14. Advantage: Pussy. HOW YOU CAN TELL IF A CHICK HAS PMS: 1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo. 2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group. 3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!" 4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed. 5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom. 6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer. 7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles. 8. She retains more water than Lake Superior. 9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one." 10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front. 11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?" 12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!" 13. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the "I'll squish your tiny head" gesture. 14. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm. 15. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke. 16. Everyone around her has an attitude problem. 17. She's adding chocolate chips to her cheese omelet 18. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans. 19. Her husband is suddenly agreeing to everything she says. 20. She're using she cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." 21. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 22. She's convinced there's a God and He's male. 23. She's counting down the days until menopause. 24. She's sure that everyone is scheming to drive her crazy. 25. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and she bought it yesterday. Q: What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank? A: "Kingdom Cum." Q: What is the definition of a bachelor? A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock. Q: Why doesn't a blonde's guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: What did the blonde say while watching a porno? A: There I am! Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing. Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull fuck the black cow." The preacher, aghast at the boy's language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow. Johnnie says, "OK;" and the preacher leaves. The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?" Johnnie replies, "He sure as shit did! He fucked the white one instead!" Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas? A: Erection Sets. Q: Why did the lumber truck stop? A: To let the lumber jack off. Q: Hey, what's sticky, white, and falls from the sky? A: The cumming of the Lord Pavlov was sitting in a bar when the phone rang. "Damn,' he said, "I forgot to feed the dog." Top 17 Country Songs 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the Number One Country Song --- 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, Daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them you wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her Mommy out and tells her what Daddy has said. To which Mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch from which they hang?" A Heartwarming Lawyer Story One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two menalong the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You may come with us also." The second man in a pitiful voice then said, "Buy sir, I also have awife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass there is almost a foot high." ...C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story? Gotta love those grand kids! I was eating breakfast with my ten-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have four more years of bullshit." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose! Dear Mr bill collector; I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a Colt revolver, and four razorback hogs all on credit. In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hanged for horse stealing. A pimp named Cleotious knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the abortion bill of 88.00 to keep his little bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 2002, one of my sons got the mumps. They went down on him and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned, but not the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some horse-hung Texan and left me with our three small children as a permanent souvenir. I married the hired girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window and pulled the trigger. Well, I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed. Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob embedded with rat poison and some one shot the nuts off my only bull. Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives from Sears Roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit. The queen bee died, so I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started to run around with a horse fly.The honey started to taste like shit. So then, Mr bill collector, you say If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker. But you are welcome to try. Signed, Joe Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit? A: The best ones squirt when you eat them. Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young hot thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally coaxed, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!" Savage and Bruce were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS," said Savage, who was on top. "Oh God!" cried Bruce. "Just kidding," said Savage. "I just love the way you tighten your asshole when I say that!" A young girl goes to her doctor, very embarrassed, with a problem downstairs. After a lot of persuasion the doctor finally gets her to remove her panties which reveals that the girl has three vaginas: one on the left one as usual, one in the middle, and one to the right. The doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head, muttering things under his breath, and disappears into the pharmacy next door. He comes back a few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof bandages. He takes two bandages out and places one over the right hand side vagina and the other over the left hand side vagina. The young girl asks, "Will this cure me, Doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, but it will stop you from getting fucked left, right, and center." "I scared the shit out of my sister and a bunch of her friends last night," the teenage boy told his friend. "I walked in on them at a slumber party masturbating." "What did they say?" asked his friend, interested. "They all screamed at me to put my pants back on." A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hanukkah." The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar." The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your hired help." A buddy from Louisiana swears this works if you have an ant problem on your place. Go to the Dollar Store and buy a cheap can of black spray paint. Then go home and stir up the ant mounds and the area around them with a stick. Spray the ant mound and surrounding turf, covering fairly well. Once the Ants realize that they now live in a black neighborhood, they will quit working and start killing each other. Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a degree in psychology? A: She can blow your mind, too. In describing ObamaCare on a radio show Nancy Lugosi said, "We have to pass it to find out what's in it." A Doctor called in to a radio show and said, "That's the definition of a stool sample." The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through." Birds And Bees A father asks his ten-year old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the kid said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh Dad," he sobbed, "at the age of six I got the, 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven I got the, 'There's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at eight you hit me with the, 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE ENROLLED IN OBAMACARE: 10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. The nurse's station has a tip jar. 7. The only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter. 6. The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "An apple a day..." 5. Your Doctor's stethoscope is two tin cans and some string. 4. Your anesthesia comes in a keg delivered by a team of Clydesdales. 3. The only expense that is 100% covered is "embalming." 2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE: 1. You ask for Viagra and they give you a popsicle stick and duct tape. Q: Where can you go to find a good lawyer? A: The cemetery. Q: How did the boy feel when he first discovered that he was a queer? A: It was quite a blow. Q: How can you first tell if the bar you are entering is a gay bar? A: If there's a sign above the door - "No Chicks Accepted." An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about!" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And then he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "Both the kids are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!" Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu - called himself "Buck." Chu called himself "Chuck." Fu had to go back to China. The only way for the Smiths to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation - "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!" Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle." A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!" The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!" The judge says, "We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you in the back or I shall hold you in contempt. Now what is your problem?" Then the man at the back of the court says, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't own one!" Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!" The contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas. Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers which will read: 1. "I'm A Democrat" 2. "Amnesty For Illegals" 3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks" 4. "Boycott Beef" 5. "I Voted For Obama" 6. "George Strait can't sing" 7. "Elect Hitlery In 2016" 8. "Vote Eric WithHolder Texas Governor" 9. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer" 10. "Al Franken Is My Hero" 11. "I Side With Jane Fonda" 12. "It's All Bush's Fault" 13. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion" And the last sticker is: 14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns" The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck. One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in San Antonio. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin ("fixin" in Texan means: gettin' ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo." He replied, ''What's the Alamo?'' She replied, ''Well bless your heart...just go right ahead and jump, you little DamnYankee Democrat Bastard!'' And if you think lawyers don't have hearts. Read the best lawyer story of all time... bar none. The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh ... no, I didn't know that." 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, "Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair, and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has severe learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give a single penny to any of them, what makes you think I'd give any money to you?" Daffynition - Premature ejaculation: a spoil-spurt. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short mini skirts? A: 'Cause their balls might show. Q: What could chicks do to best help stem the population explosion? A: Use their heads. It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing numbers of lesbian couples who have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another when he says, "My Mom can lick your Mom any time." Q: What is the favorite food of Mexican cannibals? A: Refried beings. Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the mega hot chick showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but..." stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap." Q: When can it be lethal to have a wet dream? A: When you're under an electric blanket. TOP CADDIE RESPONSES Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes...You miss the ball much closer now." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so...That would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf." Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day." Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." A Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy; Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems?" Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club." Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything." Caddy: "...Other end." Q: How do you recognize a gay Pakistani? A: He has a red dot on the back of the head. Q: Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor? A: Because they are still in them. Q: Why are condoms like cameras? A: They both capture the moment. A little girl and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we all can go to Disney World." An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!" A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed out loud this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue." Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Slow. One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate. She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband finally walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor. He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?" OBAMACARE: Side effects include headache, delayed treatment, and zero choice. A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lies on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God, no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting." A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his ass sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can. Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" in the ass. The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!" he says, and runs after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari clothes with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's reading it. Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?" The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion in the ass?" he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!" Good Girls; Bad Girls, And Naughty Girls: Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Naughty girls unbutton your pants. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini line. Naughty girls wax your nutsack. Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies. Bad girls know they could do it better. Naughty girls do it with whips and chains. Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any panties. Naughty girls don't really give a shit. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace." Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms. Naughty girls bruch their teeth with your dick. Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it. Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Naughty girls make you wear spurs to bed. Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place. Naughty girls have sex all over the place. Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters. Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra. Good girls say no. Bad girls say When? Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot. Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed, and then go home. Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there, and then go home with two of them. Q: What's the motto for the new Polish tampon? A: "We may not be number one, but were still up there!" Q: Who was the first carpenter? A: Eve - she made Adam's banana stand. Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes...you're fucking crackers. Q: What's the difference between a horse's tail and a man's tie? A: The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole. A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time some guy sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop."OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up." EIGHT Types of Women's Orgasm: 1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes... 2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.... 3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No... 4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming... 5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God... 6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More... 7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you... 8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper... Go DEEPER! Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue? Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 to pose nude in National Geographic? And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two very small breasts and two large thighs? Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit. Just keeping you up to date.. An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard long into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" He practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the asshole dig! I had him buried face down." Q: What do you do when you see a crying baby crawling in circles? A: Nail his other hand to the floor. Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world? A: New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds. Q: What's grosser than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina? A: Realizing you only put in 11. Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS. Those poor Sandy Hook schoolchildren - their library needed more books, but all they got were a few magazines. Dear Bruce; Q: After my last hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal? I am a single guy and like girls. A: Nah, mate, you're queer. Only queers play hockey. Dear Bruce; Q: My girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay. A: Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the word "foreplay." Then it struck me, "fore" is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women, but it's OK for her practice putting with your dick. 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School 1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc.;school just sucks. 3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger. 4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to. 5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. 6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress. 7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. 8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you, regardless. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. Q: What is a girl scout knife? A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment. Q: How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station? A: Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car. One day, the mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they get married. A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks. Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved up nearly a quart!" Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying? A: A hot chick's mouth. Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at thethree of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye inthis picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other blonde? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." What Would You Do If You Woke Up And Had A Penis? Here are some women's actual responses: "I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it." "I would write my name in the snow." "I would go into my boss's office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'" "I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new." "I would want a big one and show it off to everyone." "I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed." "I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing." "I would measure it both ways." "Pee off of a tall building." "I would love it, and squeeze it, and play with it all day." "Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything." "Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it." "I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot." "Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what worked the best." "Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around." "See how many donuts I could carry with it." "Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes." During a grade school Biology class, the teacher asked the class,"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?" Little Slick Willie raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and those weigh them down." The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Slick Willie countered by saying, "That's because that is when chicks grow breasts and those puppies are heavier than a guy's balls." Q: Why don't Italian men like using inflatable dolls? A: It takes two more weeks just to glue on all the extra hair. "What did you get for your mother-in-law for Valentine's day?" one Italian asked the other. "I wired her flowers." "How did that turn out?" "Not good. She discovered the fuse." Q: What is a Polish sex doll? A: A plastic garbage can with a pussy in the side. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a blonde? A: A 200% chance of getting screwed. LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf' score. LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."' LUST - When intercourse is called "fucking." MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. Daffynitions ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm. CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office. DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals. GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian. INCEST: A game for the whole family to play. LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers. MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn. MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides. MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick. MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife. NONDESCRIPT: A television play. ODIOUS: Not very good poetry. ORGY: Grope therapy. PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons. PIMP: Nookie Bookie. PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl. PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature. PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn. RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom. SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation. SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother. SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day. SONATA: A song sung by Frank. SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut. STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardor. TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking. TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection. VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse. VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy. VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings. VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian. WET DREAM: A snorgasm. Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who got drunk on water? A: He got drunk on land, too. Q: What's the definition of a computer nerd? A: A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls. David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored too and it was the worst experience I've ever had." "How so?" replies David in amazement. Simon relates, "That hot chick Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out." "Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?" David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts." Q: What's unique about the inflatable Jewish sex doll? A: You have to fill it with ice water. DATING DICTIONARY ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men, or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to com- municate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often even than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. Q: Did you hear about the guy who bought a black inflatable sex doll? A: He died of a heart attack trying to blow up the lips. Q: Did you hear what the romantic Irish girl gave her boyfriend for Valentine's day? A: A heart-shaped rash. Q: Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes? A: California got first pick. Q: What do you call 50 niggers buried up to their necks in dirt? A: Afro-turf. A typical blonde went to her doctor and complained, "Doctor, I think my boobs must be filled with water!" "What makes you say that?" he inquired. "Because every time some guy presses them, my pussy gets wet!" Q: Why did the nigger cross the road? A: Who the fuck cares? How did he escape from prison? If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it! Q: What's the definition of oral sex? A: The taste of things to come. Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician? A: The pedophile really loves children. Q: How does a pedophile stop an eight-year-old boy from choking? A: Takes his dick out of his mouth. Q: What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib? A: A pedophile's ass. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to thirty-two? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it until she's fourteen. Q: Did you hear the one about the two homosexual ghosts? A: They gave each other the willies. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. STORY: REBECCA vs GARY (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile evil alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA! Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch. (Rebecca) Wanker. (Gary) Slut. (Rebecca) Get fucked. (Gary) Eat shit. (Rebecca) FUCKYOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. (Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one. Q: What did one pedophile say to the other? A: Have you got two fives for a ten? Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween? A: Free home delivery. Smart Ass Little Johnny In school the lesson was about the word "contagious." The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?" One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?" Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson." Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out." A young man took a hot chick to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied. Q: What do you call five niggers hanging from a tree? A: A Mississippi wind chime. The Little Dutch Boy speaks up: "Never stick your finger into a dyke unless you are sure you can outrun her." After the first week of sex education class, a young, shapely blonde teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. She encountered a brunette friend in the hall, who asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis! All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position." I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who lives in Boston. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets any worse he may have to let her in. There was this couple that had been married for years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device. A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real dick. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard!" She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy; you explain the kids." They say that the new supercomputer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was bullshit. My father has been dead for twenty years." "No", replied the supercomputer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout." A rich guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach. She loves this car she goes every where in it. One day, years later, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she is put into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next \to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at soccer. He could have played for England and been better than Beckham!" The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his right leg, so he wont be able to kick a ball any more." The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have become the best in the world and won at Wimbeldon." The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost both of her arms and she wont be able to pick up a racket any more." The woman begins to cry."Doctor," asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, "Six months." "So what's the date?" asks the woman. "April 1st," says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?" Doctor: "YES...they were both killed on impact." A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Q: What does an Irishman consider to be the main problem with jogging on New Years Eve? A: The ice falls out of his drinks. Q: What happened to the Irishman who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? A: He gave up thinking. On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death. January 1, 2014: I remember 2013 as if it were yesterday A blonde is pregnant, and is practically nine months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?" The doctor replies, "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were lying in when you got pregnant." The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with my left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?" Boobs are like soda, nobody likes them flat. New Year Resolutions For Nerds 16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. 14. When I hear a funny jokeI will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. 11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk. 9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail. 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. 5. No more downloads from Alt. binaries* 4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... 3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. 2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items. 1. I will read the manual...just as soon as I can find it. New Years Resolutions For Pets 15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 13. I do not need suddenly to stand up straight when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. 8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year. 5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND. Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged: Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ... Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate Women are like orange juice cartons, It’s not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is, It’s getting those fuckin' flaps open. Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs. A daughter asked her mother how to spell "penis." Her mom said you should have asked me last night it was on the tip of my tongue. The Top 15 Reindeer Games: 15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter. 14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass. 13. Spin the Salt Lick. 12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers. 11. Moose or Dare. 10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends. 9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo. 8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest. 7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot. 6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets." 5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass. 4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen. 3. Elf Tossing. 2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey. and the Number 1 Reindeer Game... 1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game. I rear ended a midget with my car today. He got out and said "I am not happy." Then I said, well then, which dwarf are you? Q: What's the best selling toilet water in Poland? A: Toilet water. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately. Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.