Q: What do lesbians usually do for dinner? A: Eat out.   Q: How many straight male hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Both of them. Q: What is the difference between herpes and AIDS? A: One is a love story, and the other is a fairy tale.   Q: What does a fag get after being shut in a room with 100 of his sex-crazed peers? A: About a quart.   A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD!", screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!" Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a chick up. Q: Did you hear about the artist who was known as the Polish Van Gogh? A: He cut off his dick. According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not erect. Which is perfectly understandable considering how fucking ugly Neanderthal woman was. Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast? A: Toast is brown on both sides. Q: How does an artist draw an LA gang member? A: Outlined in chalk. Q: What's the definition of a wife? A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast." TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos. 1. Beard abrasions on areola. Q: How do you make paper dolls? A: Fuck an old bag. Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans his palm against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of coffee?" A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his marriage problems. The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Why, of course I do!" says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!" # Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees. # Italian cruise ships rock! # I like my women how I like my Italian Cruise ships. Wet, wrecked, and ready to go down. # Italian Police are still interviewing the Korean Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them. # Costa Concordia - the only place where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks. # What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both. # The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter, and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died. # Attention passengers this is your captain, We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky and to our starboard you'll see the old Italian navy. # The captain of the Costa Concordia was showing off to his mate on the island and was doing fine until he tried the barrel role. # It's not all bad news for the captain of the Costa Concordia. He may never captain a ship again, but the Navy has expressed an interest in giving him command of a submarine. # Captain was heard saying "Watch-a me-a! No hands, Mama! I can grab-a my balls-a, and steer the sheep ata the same-a time! " A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The hot young blonde asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her normally active sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's ever asked me that question after a tonsillectomy." A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24." Q: Why can't blondes have elevator operator jobs? A: They don't know to go "up." Q: What does a blonde do when someone says its chilly outside? A: She grabs a bowl. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a Piranha? A: Your very last blowjob. In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies' room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you. A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!'' SHUM! The mirror swallows her. Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says: "I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!'' SHUM! The mirror swallows her. Afterwards a super hot blonde stands in front of the mirror and says: ''I think.'' SHUM! Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms? A: By farting. A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across three little dogs sitting there. She bends down to stroke the first male dog and says, "How are you today little doggy"? To her utmost surprise the dog answers, "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day." The girl then turns to the second male dog and says, " How are you today little doggy"? This dog also answers, "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day." The girl then turns to the female third dog and says, "Little doggy you don't look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be?" At this the third dog answers, "Because my name is Puddles." Q: How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? A: On the rocks. Q: What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? A: Leeks. Q: What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? A: Follow the captain. Q: What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? A: Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both. When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied, "off course." So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship. The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker. Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock. Q: How can you tell if your doctor is a homo? A: He inserts your suppository with his teeth. At a party a guy cornered a hot chick and whispered something in her ear. "You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch who stole my diary..." Two sperm are swimming along after being ejaculated, one turns to the other and says "I'm exhausted, how much farther to the egg?" The other replies, "We've got a long way to go yet, we just passed the tonsils." Q: What's a synonym for a gay brothel? A: A male order house. A guy goes to the doctor. He says to the doctor, "Doc, you got to help me, I've had this erection for weeks. It hurts so bad, I can't put up with it anymore. So, can you help me?" The doctor says, "I can help you." He takes two of his fingers and smacks the guy's dick. Suddenly a bug flew off it and his dick relaxed to normal. Then the guy says, "Doc, I feel great now! How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "Find me that bug and you don't owe me nothin'." A hot chick was walking by in a bar when a man stopped in front of her and rubbed his nose with his hand. The chick, confused and irritated, asked, "What are you doing?" The man replied with a smile, "Just clearing a place for you to sit." Q: Why do men have assholes? A: So they won't be total pricks. There was this guy riding down the road when he sees this hot chick standing with her thumb out. The driver pulls over and offers her a ride. She gets in and later on down the road she says, "My name is June Hanson." He says, "My name is Gene Snow." Later on down the road she looks over at him and says, "Why do you keep sizing me up?" He says, "I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June." Over at Hillcrest Baptist Medical Center late yesterday was a hot chick who had swallowed a super Gillette razor blade. As she sat awaiting her taxi ride, she said her doctor had discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her vicar a hair lip - and still there were 5 shaves left! A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and gasped out, "You little prick, your brother won't let me in without a tie..." I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started... My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... Q: What can a bird do that a man can't? A: Whistle through its pecker. Daffynition : Gynecologist - A spreader of old wives' tails. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started... A man walked into a bookstore and approached the hot chick clerk. "I'm looking for a book about men with small penises, but I forgot the title," he said. She pondered momentarily, then said, "I don't think it's in yet." "Yes! That's it!" he answered. HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD Ed Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was headed to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. She could see this from their bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. Quickly, he phoned the police who asked, "Are they in your house?" He said, "No! But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me." The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy right now. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay!" He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then, he phoned the police again. "Hello! I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them, because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Don't fuck with old people. Q: What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower? A: Lawnmowers don't complain after they cut the grass. Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? A: Cuz they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 hellions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: Wham-Bam-Thank You Ma'am, Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do," beginning with the wedding cake. Dear Bruce: Q: My girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her. A: No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheilas get hung up on hygiene. Dear Bruce: Q: I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate. A: Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's OK. Dear Bruce: Q: After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls. A: Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey. Dear Bruce: Q: I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to. A: Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out. Dear Bruce: Q: My girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay. A: Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick. What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. Q: How do you know when a woman is getting too old? A Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long. Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? A: Two ways to cross a river. Q: Did you hear about the two frustrated faggots? A: They were having trouble making ends meet. Q: Why did the little Dutch boy attend the female tennis match? A: He wanted to stick his finger in a dyke. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename your mail folder to "instruction manuals." Q: How do we know men invented maps? A: Who else would make an inch into a mile? Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball? A: He kept his eye on the ball. "You know, you really should get one of those penis enlargers," the wife said to her husband in the midst of an argument. "I did. She's a 21 year old hot, stacked redhead named Muffy." A man was brutally horse-fucking this hot chick on her own kitchen table when they heard a car door slam in the driveway. "That's my husband!" she said. "Quick, try the back door!" He probably should have left right away, but you don't get offers like that every day. An superhot chick is waiting in the emergency room. A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?" [This doctor is such a pro, he even was able to maintain eye contact during this conversation!] The chick replies,"Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad." The doctor tells her, "Why don't you lie on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?" So, she rolls over and the doctor begins to examine her smokin' hot ass. After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?" The lady replies, "No, why?" The doctor ventures, "Would you like to?" Q: What's the difference between the game of pool and a hot chick? A: With pool, you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays out, while with hot chick you put the stick in and you leave the balls out. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, right through the front door, into the street, where a Mack truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." A man woke up one morning, turned to his wife and said, "I had a wet dream about you last night." "You did?" his wife replied. "That's actually kind of flattering." "Yeah, " the man said, "I dreamt that you were hit by a bus, and then I pissed in my pajamas laughing." Q: How can you tell your doctor is a fag? A: While he does your rectal exam, both of his hands are on your shoulders. Daffynition: "gynecologist" - A crack investigator. Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Gay Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic - Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ... Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate Q: Why do men like masturbation? A: It's sex with someone they really love. Q: Why do men talk so dirty? A: So they can wash their mouths out with beer. Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A: A sex-change operation. Q: What do you call a queer who likes to blow mind readers? A: A Seersucker. Q: What's a faggot's favorite meat dish? A: Rump roast. Q: Why is a pussy like the weather? A: Because once it's wet, it's time to go inside. Q: How can you tell if a chick really likes oral sex? A: She hikes up her skirt every time some guy yawns. Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped? A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery. Q: How does a chick keep a man from attacking her? A: By throwing him the remote control. Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes. One by one the teenage male prostitutes were picked up by the old male customers cruising the redlight neighborhood, until only one "chicken" was left. The boy was pissed off as he paced back and forth until a female hooker happened by and suggested to the boy that it paid to advertise. He went into a 24 hour print shop and hand-lettered a sign which he pinned to himself that read, "LAST BUTT NOT LEASED." Q: What are the three reasons a bestialist prefers sheep over people? A1: They never have a headache. A2: They are always in the mood. A3: When you finish fucking them, you can eat them. A little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replied, "Don't even go there, Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!" A young nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim male who is noisily eating a bag of prawns. Each time he eats one he bites off the head, spits it at her, and she catches it and throws it out the window. Eventually she gets pissed off and pulls the emergency cord just as he finishes the last one and tosses the bag out the window. The sand nigger looks at her and says, "Hah! You'll be fined $250 for doing that you stupid Infidel slut!" She smiles back and says, "This is America, when I scream 'RAPE' and they smell your breath and fingers you'll get 20 years you dickless, towel-headed camel fucker." Q: Why can't chicks wear miniskirts in the winter? A: Chapped lips. This is the story of a woman who couldn't be satisfied. Upon hearing this, three guys decided to make a bet with each other as to which of them *could* satisfy her. The winner would receive $500. The first guy, a big, swaggering Texan, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked into the bedroom. A couple of hours later he staggered dizzily out of the bedroom and gasped, "She wasn't satisfied!" The second guy, a huge Zulu warrior, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked into the bedroom. Two days later he crawled out of the bedroom bruised, battered, exhausted and gasped, "She wasn't satisfied!" The third guy, a little Australian jockey, said, "I'll satisfy her!" and trotted into the bedroom. A minute later there was a great shriek of ecstasy from the bedroom. A couple of minutes later the jockey walked out of the bedroom with a big smile... The Texan and Zulu warrior looked at him in amazement and asked, "What happened?" The jockey said, "She was satisfied!" They asked him, "Whaaat? How...? What did you do?" The jockey replied, "It was easy! I just stuck my head in, wiggled my ears for a bit and spit!" Princess Hotness is walking along the edge of a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's hideous appearance, saying, "My but you are one ugly frog!" The frog answers, "I know, I know, I've got a really bad spell on me." Princess Hotness says, "Well, I've seen frogs with spells before, but none as ugly as you." "Look, lady," says the frog, "I told you ... it's a REALLY bad spell." "Well, even so," replies her Hotness, "if I kiss you will you turn into a handsome Prince Charming?" The frog answers, "I don't know, lady ... a spell this bad will probably take a blow job!" I used to love playing kiss chase with all the pretty young girls in the playground. It all came to a stop when one of them told my mom what we'd been playing. Who in turn, told my wife. Q: Why hasn't AIDS killed off every single faggot in the country? A: Because there's a sucker born every minute. Q: What three words summarize the life cycle of queers? A: Asses to ashes. Q: What is the standard form of greeting in a gay bathhouse? A: They walk up to each other, introduce themselves, and shake glands. Q: What's the definition of a vicious circle? A: A pussy with teeth. About six months ago, John's wife died an untimely death. He loved his wife and had been married to her for almost 23 years. One day, John was feeling his oats as well as a little sorry for himself. "It's been so long since I got any," lamented John. "I'm a pretty healthy guy and I'm use to getting a lot of sex," he said. "But now that my wife is dead, I haven't had sex in over six months!" So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the wife and see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did. When he got her out of the ground, he saw that she was only a little flaky around the edges, so he decided to do her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed that she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and clammy. John remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!" Q: How is a butcher like a faggot? A: They both take their meat deliveries in the rear. This guy is taking a shit and it just keeps going. He's shitting for three hours straight. It just won't stop. He's constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point where he actually shits his brains right out. He has no brains at this point. He's finally done, he wipes his ass and, for the first time in his life, he puts the seat down. ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl, Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the fuck's he gonna cum. Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag. "That bastard husband of mine told me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain distinct reservations, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my SOB husband that the rent is paid up for six months!" A doctor from Israel says, "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from one person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work. The US doctor answers immediately, That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA (about three years ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls, we made him President and now the whole country is looking for work! On A Country Farm On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopeless- ness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered an extremely beautiful, hot mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son unsurprisingly agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up.After discov- ering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son, still a teenager, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and both his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The teenager replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request, but agreed to it. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have s ex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the youngest son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" A screaming faggot went into the florist shop and said that he wanted to send a dozen dead roses to his boyfriend Bruce. "Why send dead roses?" the florist asked. "Doesn't your door sign say, 'Say it with flowers'"? "Yes, but what do the dead flowers say?" "I want to tell him that I gave him AIDS." Q: How can you always pick out the faggot in the musical instrument store? A: He's the one licking the organ. Q: What did the turd say to the asshole? A: "I don't ever want to go through that again!" After marrying a young hot chick, the 96-year-old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought an umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charge him unexpect- edly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot." "That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else obviously shot the bear." "My point exactly, " the doctor replied. Many Types Of Orgasms Sex in a boat oar-gasms Sex with a nerd dork-gasms Sex with a dermatologist pore-gasms Sex at the entrance to your house door-gasms Sex on carpet or linoleum floor-gasms Sex at the supermarket store-gasms Sex with a prostitute whore-gasms Sex with an accountant bore-gasms Sex while sleeping snore-gasms Sex with a salesmen door-to-doorgasms Sex with a virgin my-hymen-got-torgasms Sex while broke poor-gasms Sex that wasn't very satisfying There's the door-gasms Sex with a lion roar-gasms Sex for hours and hours on end sore-gasms Sex on a golf course fore-gasms Sex with a nymphomaniac more-gasms Sex in a gold mine ore-gasms Sex on the beach shore-gasms Sex in Asia Singapore-gasms Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can odor-gasms Sex on the way to the train All Aboard-gasms Sex with someone who's not paying attention ignore-gasms Sex with a competitive partner score-gasms Sex while flying soar-gasms Sex while travelling tour-gasms Sex on stairs at the mall escalator-gasms Sex with three of your friends four-gasms Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters liquor-gasms Sex during hay fever season spore-gasms Sex on farm implements tractor-gasms Sex without a climax no-gasms Q. What's black and white and tells the pope to get fucked? A. A nun with all six winning lotto numbers. Q. Why is it good to have a wife? A. Because sooner or later something will go wrong that you can't blame on the government. After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!" "The hickeys aren't serious. Whatever possessed you to moon a passing gay parade?" Nine Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrists while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people actually do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5. When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor. 6. People who ask, "May I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, sunshine? 7. When something is "New and Improved!" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something much like it before. 8. When people say, "Life is short." What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer? 9. While you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? Q: Why do fags always root for the underdog? A: They love nothing better than a big strong man who comes from behind. What's the difference between a Catholic priest and Justin Bieber? One's called a father and is gay, the other one... Let's start again. What's the similarity between a priest and Justin Bieber? Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and eating mashed potatos? A: Pussy makes its own gravy. Female Slogans 1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. 5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. 7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 9. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? 10. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 11. Next mood swing: six minutes. 12. I hate everybody, and you're next. 13. Please don't make me kill you. 14. And your point is... 15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 16. All stressed out and no one to choke. 17. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 18. How can I miss you if you won't go away? 19. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. 20. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 21. You KNOW you want me. 22. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time. 23. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? 24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy. 25. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. 26. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun. DIVORCE AGREEMENT THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM. Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and all other Obama supporters, etc. We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is a model separation agreement: --Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. --We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. --You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. --We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. --You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. --We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. --You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens. --We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you the Dominant Leftwing Media and Hollywood . --You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. --You ca n have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. --We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. --You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, "political correctness" and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. --We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find. --You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors who will agree to labor under socialized medicine. --We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. --We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." --I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World." --We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. --Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history , our name and our flag. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like- minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & (Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you. P.P.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country. Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In. Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following WARNING LABELS be placed immediately on all containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol will make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really, really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem literally to disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ALCOHOL WARNING FOR MALES: Police warn all male bar-hoppers, party-goers, and unsuspecting tavern regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. Please! Forward this to every male you know... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory chicks administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly- affected like-minded guys. For the nearest support group near you just look up "Bar" or "Tavern" in the yellow pages. Q: What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? A: "Hold my purse." A black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumesfor them to wear. When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid out on the bed, a Superman costume. The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says."Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get me something else to wear?" The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom. There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three costumes: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood. The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these three white buttons on the front of yourself and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle." Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? A: No, they eat the fingers separately. Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies 10. Bit-O-Squirrel 9. Poisonettes 8. Good n' Sweaty 7. Middlefinger 6. Della Reese's Pieces 5. Clam Duds 4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg 3. Gummy Marrow 2. Ken Starrburst 1. Osmond Joy HAPPY HALLOWEEN Q: Have you seen Quasimodo? A: I have a hunch he's back! Q: How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? A: He turns into a bat every night. Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. Q: How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? A: With a pumpkin patch. Q: How does a girl vampire flirt? A: She bats her eyes. Q: What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather? A: "Would you like another piece?" Q: What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? A: He had two waiters and a busboy. Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones. Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? A: "Don't spook until you're spooken to." Q: What song did the skeleton sing while riding his Harley? A: "Bone to Be Wild." Q: What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? A: Ghoul-aid. Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert? A: I Scream. Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? A: Fish and ships. Q: What do witches put on their hair? A: Scare spray. Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A: Hoblin Goblin. Q: What do you call a little monster's parents? A: Mummy and deady. Q: What do you call a roomful of ghosts? A: A bunch of boo-boos. Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A: A sand witch. Q: What do you do with a green monster? A: Wait until it ripens. Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? A: A sour-puss. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs. Q: What game do ghost like to play? A: Peek-a-Boo. Q: What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD"? A: A monster laughing his head off Q: What instrument do skeletons play? A: Trom-BONE. Q: What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal? A: SCREAM of Wheat. Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday? A: Fangsgiving. Q: What is the only thing sharper as a vampire's fang? A: His other fang. Q: What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog? A: A blood hound. Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania? A: The Vampire State Building. Q: What kind of key opens a casket? A: A skeleton key. A guy has been asking the hottest chick in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!" Q: Why are zombies so good at oral sex? A: Because they'll eat anything that's put in front of them. "Oh, Roger, that was my best orgasm ever! ...Roger...Roger?" Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers:"All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!" Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time? Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh, my God!" says Mr. Jones, "What is her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says, "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia. Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails. The doctor continues, "You'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowels will disengorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably, and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead." Q: What is the difference between liberalism and communism? A: The Communist admits it. An illegal alien picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do illegal alien style?" "No," she says. "I pay you $200 to do illegal alien style." "No," she says, not knowing what illegal alien style is. "I pay you $300." "No," she says. "I pay you $400." "No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do illegal alien style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could illegal alien style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is illegal alien style?" The illegal alien replies, "You send bill to Government." Q: What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy? A: Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done. Q: Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff? A: So the goat will push back. Q: What did the real baby say to the test tube baby? A: Your dad is a jerk-off. Q: What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? A: On St Patrick's day, everyone wants to be an Irishman. Q: Why did the blonde pull her Dildo out before she came? A: She wasn't on the pill. A husband was coming out of anesthesia after an operation in hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" asked the wife. "The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied. The secret checklist for a happy marriage: 1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans 2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money 3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex 4. It is important that these three women never meet. Q: Why won't blondes drink beer on the beach? A: Because they're afraid they'll get sand in their Schlitz. Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A. Because she blows the horn. The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath in anticipation. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Mouthwash," said Little Johnny. "Mouthwash!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough mouthwash to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It IS dog shit. Wanna' buy some mouthwash?" I used the Obama approach of giving them something shitty for free, and then making them pay to get the terrible taste out of their mouths." Q: How can you tell if you're at a Scotsman's stag party? A: When a sheep jumps out of the cake. Q: What is another name for a Scotsman with lots of girlfriends? A: Shepherd. Some Thoughts: Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been! The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when his team is winning. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling good? How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Kathi (a bleached blonde): So this guy strolled over to me at the party, all cocky and sure of himself. Lisa: Yeah? So what happened? Kathi: He said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes." I said, "Well, if you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde." He said, "If I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't care WHAT color the hair on your head is! Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: Because it gives them something else to moan about. Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So the sperm can enjoy the scenery. Q: What does the acronym S-I-N-G-L-E stand for? A: Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday. The MD had referred the patient to the dermatologist, because she could not understand why the patient had these GREEN places on her inner thighs. "Tell me," said the skin specialist, "are you married?" "No," said the patient, "but I have a boyfriend." "And is your boyfriend a Gypsy?" "Yes," said the patient, "but how did you know?" "It was elementary, my dear. And you can tell your boyfriend that his earrings are not real gold." Q: How can you tell if your mechanic has just had sex? A: One of his fingers is clean. Woman #1: "His pee pee is really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful." Woman #2: "You mean he's rich?" Woman #1: "Yeah. Exactly." Q: How can a woman make a man eat shit? A1: Wipe forward. A2: Marry him. Q: What's small, red, and spins round at 2000 rpm? A: A baby picking his nose with a power drill. Q: What's another name for a chastity belt? A: A manhole cover. Q: Why is AIDS considered a social disease? A: Because it results in a lot of lonely assholes. Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large that his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his female teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have vigorous sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control so nothing bad can happen. He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking that he's killed her, Johnny runs from the classroom sobbing and crying, "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and as a look of dawning comprehension and placement of responsibility appears on his face as he says, "Wait a minute! I didn't kill her! The horny dumb bitch committed suicide!" Q: Where do they fit the fifth faggot in a Volkswagen? A: On the stick shift. Q: What does a woman say to a man with whom she has just had sex? A: She can say whatever she wants... he's asleep. Ten year old Stevie had been blind since birth. One night his mother came into his bedroom before he went to sleep and told him that he must pray very, very hard because tomorrow was a special day and he would get a wonderful surprise. So Stevie fell asleep praying with confidence that he would be able to see the next day. His mother awoke Stevie early and told him to open his eyes, as this was that special day she had promised him. Stevie tried, but then cried out, "Mommie, Mommie, I still can't see!" "I know dear," she said, "Today is April Fool's!" President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me even when I ran for President, so naturally I didn't think there would be any need to. Let me be clear, I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States of America!" Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the latest Government regulations, and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, Islamofascist terrorists, etc. I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Well, just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!" Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. President but these are the federally mandated bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "Make no mistake, I am dictating that you cash this check!" Cashier: "Look, Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without his ID. To prove that he truly was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without his ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball actually landed in my coffee cup. With that spectacular shot, we knew that he was Andre Agassi and cashed his check. "So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is truly you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. My mind is a complete blank." Cashier: "Would you like the cash in large or small bills, Mr. President?" Q: What do menstrual periods and spaghetti sauce have in common? A: If you miss your Ragu, you could be Prego. Q: Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? A: She was strapped for cash. Q: What is the one reason a true humanitarian should support a shelter for bums in his own neighborhood? A: It would keep the flies away from his house. Q: Did you hear about the leper prostitute who had to quit her job? A: Her business fell off. Q: What is the difference between panties and a stage curtain? A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over, but when you pull down the panties - it's showtime! If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the head of a penis shaped like an axe? A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are he." The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?" The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts." The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class. On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class. He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?" Little Jill stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two." The math teacher says, "That's right, Jill! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two." The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?" Little Bobby raises his hand and replies, "I know. That is a dick, and my daddy has two." The math teacher says, "That's right, Bobby it is a dick, but your daddy only has one." Little Bobby stands up and says, "Nope, my daddy has two! He has a small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with." Q: Why did God create alcohol? A: So ugly people could have sex, too. Q: Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual? A: He was sucker for punishment. Q: How many cocksuckers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Shut up and keep sucking. You can change the fucking thing once I've cum. Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? A: Tunnel vision. A young girl had not been feeling good and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed." Ole and Lena are69ing when Ole says, "Leena, did you know there are 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?". Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says Lena, "How did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play. Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember", says Lena. Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck in your ass." More Words You Do Not Want To Hear During Sex * "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?" * "Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!! * "Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV." * "Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?" * "Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol * "Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on in one minute." * "Is it hurting? I can't even feel it." * "Is it in yet?" * "Do you think your sister would like to join us?" * "Finished! I didn't think you started yet." * "But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was over." Q: Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse? A: She's now in a stable condition. Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into a 1" diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking but cannot park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight? A man named Bruce asked his doctor if there were a test to help him determine if he were gay. The Doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." Bruce pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to "say '55'." Bruce said, "55." The doctor then grabbed Bruce's penis and told him to "say '55'." Bruce said, "55." The doctor then told Bruce to turn around, and putting a finger in Bruce's anus he once again told him to "say '55'." .......... Bruce said, "1...2...3..." Q: How does a chick regard a dick like fishing? A: Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones. Q: What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman? A: They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the good part. A girl came home from a date. Her mom had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. "Sharon," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding." "I didn't mom," the daughter replied. "I was giving a blowjob to this Asian guy and he threw up on me." President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States. Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic. --Idaho Statesmen editorial Q: Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll that just came out? A: Wind it up and it sodomizes a male Cabbage Patch doll. Q: How can you tell when you're too fat? A: When you step on your dog's tail and it dies.   Q: How do you know when you are too fat? A: Your car has stretch marks. Q: What's the most popular TV show in Arkansas? A: Touched By An Uncle. Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now! Shut up, we'll get you Grandpa's glass eye when he goes to sleep! Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise! Shut up and eat around it. Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out! Well, throw some more gasoline on him then. Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim! Shut up or I'll flush it again. Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti! Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm. Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning? Shut up, and keep licking. Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress? You know it won't fit over your iron lung Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers! Shut up and eat your french fries! Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again? Shut up, you know that grandma's leg isn't infected anymore. Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim? Shut up and get back in the burlap sack. Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere? Shut up or I'll chop off your other leg. Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts! Shut up and eat what's put in front of you. Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet like the other kids. Mommy, Mommy!, When is the pool going to be ready? Shut up and keep spitting. Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup! Shut up, do you expect me to strain Grandpa's vomit? Mommy, Mommy! Sister Suzi got run over by a steamroller! Shut up and get the maple syrup. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas. Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying? Shut up and eat your hot dog. "My teacher is really giving me a tough time," Little Johnny told his father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay careful attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's three weeks overdue." The English language has some wonderful nouns for groups of animals. There is a "Pride" of lions, a "Murder" of crows [as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens], a "School" of fish, an "Exaltation" of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a "Parliament" of owls. Now consider the baboon. The loudest, most dangerous, and viciously aggressive of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? A "Congress." Sometimes the jokes just write themselves, don't they? OK... so there's a farmer, named John, an absolute fuckin' weapon, I mean the guy's 6"4", 230 pounds - built like a rig... you'd never fuck with this guy. Now John also happens to have these three super hot and horny, teenage daughters, and he's really protective of them... so every Friday night, guys come from all around the countryside just to try and pick up these daughters, and he sits there by the front door with his shotgun, ready to blast any teenage boy who disrespects his daughters. So friday night he's sitting there, shotgun in hand, drinking a beer and there's a knock on the door. This little scrawny kid is at the door and stutters, "Hh-hhh-hi my name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. I'm going to take her to the show..." Farmer John thinks now that doesn't sound too bad, ya know, "Flo, come on you're goin' to the show." Ten minutes later there's another door knock. Another young lad stands there and says. "Hi, I'm Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna eat spaghetti. Again, farmer John thinks, ya know that doesn't sound too bad either. "Betty, get going. You'e going to have spaghetti. After a while the farmer's getting pissed off because he didn't get to use his shotgun at all tonight. Half an hour goes by and there is another knock on the door, He answers, The black kid at the door says, "Hi, ya honkey cracker, my name's Tucker..." and the farmer blows his fuckin' head off. Word has it, it was not an earthquake experienced near the Nation's Capitol. It was our Founding Fathers collectively rolling over in their graves! It occurred along the It's Bush's Fault line somewhere between the Capitol Building and the White House. Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "I need you." True Meaning: "My hand is tired." Statement: "I am different from all the other guys." True Meaning: "I am not circumcised." Statement: "I want a commitment." True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it." Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it." True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me." Statement: "I miss you so much." True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." Statement: "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood." Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?" Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?" Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out." Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you by now." Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested." Statement: "I'll give you a call." True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly." Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!" Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine." Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, the Obamanation meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks hopefully. "No my son, I am St.Peter; Mohammed is higher up." Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obamanation climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again,"Are you Mohammed?" "Why no," he answers, "I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, and discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! Oh joy of joys! Obamanation can hardly contain his delight and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver-white beard, and once again repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son, I am Almighty God the Father, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?" Obamanation says, "Yes please!" As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!" Keep your trust in God; your president will be replaced. I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny." Q: How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful? A: Check and see if he has a penis. Debt Ceiling Made Easy: A. You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings. B. What do you do - raise the ceilings, or pump the crap out? Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? A: Self employed. Q: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? A: The hero always gets his man in the end. Q: What's the hottest thing in the world? A: Two rats fucking in a wool sock. Confucius Say: - Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. - Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. - Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. - Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand. - He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger. - Man who run in front of car get tired. - Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. - Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. - Man trapped in whore house get jerked around. - Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. - Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily a dentist. - Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock. - Woman who wear G-string, high on crack! - War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. - Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons. - Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring have offspring next spring - All blonde not blonde by cracky - Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed. - Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work. - Crowded elevator smell different to midget. - Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy. - Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy. - Girl who marry detective must kiss dick. - Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body. - He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground have trouble getting pants off. Q: How do you make a lesbian like you? A: Don't be a dick. Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any extra skin on it!" "I've been circumcised, thankfully," the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was eight days old." "Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!" Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: Because his wife died. Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Love, Bobby. Dear Bobby, Send me your mother. Love, Santa Q: When do you know a man is desperate? A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head. Biggest Porn Movies of 2011 Womb Raider Shaving Ryan's Privates Driving Into Miss Daisy Batman in Robin Star Whores Forest Rump Edward Penishands Gangbangs of New York On Golden Blonde Saturday Night Beaver Sick Degrees of Penetration Legally Boned Throbbin' Hood When Harry Ate Sally Romancing The Bone White Men Can't Hump Pulp Friction Swollow Hal Breast Side Story Buttman and Throbbin' Rambone Sperms of Endearrment School of Cock The Sperminator Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin. Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius. --Larry The Cable Guy Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana. Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women in an amazing display of logic. "Honey," says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry on a day like that?" Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns both sheep AND goats? A: Bisexual. Q: Can you identify the functional difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty? A: Poverty sucks. Mentally picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the "world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the motherfucker whose head you are holding under the water. There now...feeling better? This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store." He hasn't been getting any from her for an exceedingly long time, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and go to work...what happened!" To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again." Expert Sexual Advice HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN? When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here. WHERE SHOULD A MAN TAKE ME? Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about. WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOESN'T CALL? He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your "local" and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover. WHAT ARE SOME "LOVING NICKNAMES" WE CAN USE? You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?" WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO KEEP MY TEETH AND SKIN LOOKING HEALTHY AND SHINY? One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look. HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE? One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair. IF I GET PREGNANT, HOW DO I KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS? There is absolutely no way to tell. HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE? Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to achieve such freakishly huge proportions. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen. HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST? Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders." HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure. WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing. WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX? This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?) WHAT IS AFTERPLAY? Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories. WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he says, to him or to each other, while he watches. Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." `So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local bar." Sam went to the bar and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said,"I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!" Niggers have complained that there are not, quota-wise, enough television shows depicting minorities, so "America's Most Wanted" is now being aired 7 times a week. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q: What's the difference between Batman and a nigger? A: Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin. A tall handsome nigger walks into a bar, sits at a stool, and orders a beer. A gay homosexual queer youth approaches him and says softly to the well-dressed Garboon "You are quite handsome! I would love to give you a blow job! I know you probably aren't gay, but do let me. You don't have to touch me, or talk to me, or look at me - just let me give you a wonderful blow job, then we'll both be on our respective ways." The coon glares at him, then lets out an immense bellow of rage. He leaps off the bar stool, knocking the sissy to the ground. He grabs the faggot by his long hair, and drags him toward the exit. He kicks the door open, throws the queer out on his skinny little ass, slams the door shut, returns to the bar, sits down, and takes a huge gulp of his beer. The bartender, wondering what's up, says to the spade "What did that skinny little faggot say to you, that got you so riled up?" "Oh, I don't know. Something about a job." Q: Why are the Japanese so much smarter than we are? A: No blondes. Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? A: Because they always taste bitter. Behind every successful man there is a great woman, and behind every great woman there is a smart guy staring at her ass. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. Forgive your enemies but remember their names. Q: What do marriage and tattoos have in common? A: Both seemed like a good idea at the time. Q: What does a man need to have a clean conscience? A: A bad memory. A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says, “What does your mother look like?” The kid says, “How the hell would I know?” A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!" There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest. THE MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction: She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk. At times she'll be vengeful, merry, or sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. THE MOODS OF A MAN Hungry Horny A fag was driving his sports car around the corner when an eighteen-wheeler pulled out of the alley and directly in front of his way. The sports car plows into the truck and totally demolishes the front end of the car. The queer jumps out of the car, comes tearing around the side of the truck where the truck driver is, and hollers, "You did that on purpose! You just pulled right out in front of me!" The truck driver says, "Suck my dick." Waving his hands, "Don't try to sweet talk me out of it! I'm really fucking PISSED here!" Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling. An old man was on the beach and walked up to a hot chick in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts," he said. "Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $5," he says. "$5! Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $10," he says. "NO! Get away from me!" "$50," he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!" "$100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says. She thinks, well he is old ... and $100 would be very handy..."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath it and begins to feel...and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity she asks him, "Why do you keep saying "Oh my God?" While continuing to fondle her boobs he answers, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Where am I ever going to get $100?" Q: How can you tell if a blonde's a nymphomaniac? A: She'll make have sex the same day she has her hair done. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men can fit inside a broom closet at once Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings. A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income, or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code below her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. A guy walked up to a blonde in the bar and asked her, "How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" "No more than four, and don't call me 'Dizzy'." This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY. Circle the best answer to each question below. Answers below 1. Impotence is a. rude or disrespectful behavior b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets=20 c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties 2. A menstrual cycle has a. three wheels b. two wheels c. no wheels...it just drags along 3. The G-spot is a. a key on the piano b. close to the F-spot c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men 4. Masturbate refers to a. the best fishing lure for big fish b. everyone joining in the discussion c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone 5. Premature ejaculation is a. a man younger than=A018 having sex b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal 6. A Douche is a. one rank above Earl b. a playing card with the number "2" c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight" 7 Lesbian refers to a. someone from the Middle East b. a French word for "the well" c. a woman trying to do what a man does better 8. Vagina is a. a heart disease b. a state near Washington DC c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility 9. Pornography is a. the business of making records b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets 10. KOTEX is a. a radio station in Los Angeles b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one 11. A wet dream is likely to occur a. when your roof begins to leak at night b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c). If you got 11 CORRECT: You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding a woman worthy of your attentions. If you got 6-9 CORRECT: You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites... If you got 1-5 CORRECT: Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality... anyone's sexuality! if you got NONE CORRECT: It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage. Q: Did you hear about the chick who was extremely blonde? A: She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb while the other one sucks my dick. Q: What do you call an epileptic fag? A: A vibrator. Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman? A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up. A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied, "That's my job." Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied, "That's my job." A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine." The Greeter said, "Damn! I missed it by an inch!" There were three babies in a womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "Why an electrician?" He replied, "So I can get some lights in here, it's dark!" The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!" Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: Who was the first soft drink maker? A: Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop. Q: Who was the first carpenter? A: Eve. She made Adam's banana stand. Q. What's the definition of gross? A. When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue. Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they would discover she has been all along, and they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, here is a checklist to help you. 1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it. 2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod. 3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after love-making has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Q: How do you create a leper? A: Throw meat pies at a skeleton Q: What's the motto for the new Polish tampon? A: "We may not be number one, but we're still up there!" Q: Where do they post pictures of missing "transsexuals"? A: On cartons of half-and-half. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She can get the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. When my blonde wife came home she found the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day. She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do." "Cool," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this." Q: Which are the two best holes in a chick? A: Her nostrils. Otherwise she couldn't breath while giving head. Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog? A: Right where you left him. Q: Why do midgets' feet stink? A: Because their feet are so close to their assholes. Q: Why are faggots so generous? A: They don't know how to be tight-assed. A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail." The father yells back "Fuck You, I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite." Q: What is a birth control pill? A: The OTHER thing a chick can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit a blonde inside a bowling ball. Q: Why do blondes wear hair long? A: To hide the air valve. Q: What's grosser than eating out your grandmother's pussy? A: Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done. Q: What's the definition of literal self-destruct? A: An epileptic leper. Q: What's the definition of a computer nerd? A: A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls. Q: Why did the brothel inside the leper colony close? A: Business kept dropping off. Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play? Now, Children, you know he has leprosy. Well, can we come in and watch him rot?   The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When: - She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish. - The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern." - Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident." - The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - All of your shirts have a target painted on them. - People are already referring to her as the "widow." - You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation. - Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place." Q: How are a blonde and a bowling ball alike? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. Q: What does a lesbian get every twenty-eight days? A: A free meal. A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "''Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot." Q: What's the difference between a child molester and a fucking freak? A: Political correctness. Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! I passed a little Negro, apparently begging at a bus stop, as I came out of the bank. He looked at me and said "Any Change?" "Nope," I said, "You're still Black." Q: What's a blonde's idea of natural childbirth? A: No makeup. Q: What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? A: No ball room.   A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on it and now it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through." Osama Jokes The Republicans are so happy about Bin Laden they've granted the Obamanation US citizenship. Stations on the right are going, "Obama kills fellow Muslim." -Craig Ferguson Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick. -Conan O'Brien Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, Douche'" -Craig Ferguson Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where's Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and pop a cap in his ass! -Craig Ferguson What's the last thing to go thru Osama's mind? An eel. No wait, a clownfish.... Know what they found on Osama's computer? Blood & brains Apparently there was a problem during Osama's burial. The fish kept throwing him back. New reality show for Navy SEALs: Extreme Home Takeover. Osama goes to visit a fortune teller, and asks her on what day he will die. The fortune teller replies, "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" asks Osama. "It doesn't matter," replies the fortune teller. "Whatever day you die will become an American holiday." Osama bin Laden realized he wasn't going to heaven after all when he arrived at his actual destination and discovered Teddy Kennedy had already deflowered all 72 of his virgins.  Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head? A: Partially disabled. Q: How do you get a woman off during sex? A: Push her. A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat." The fat man said, "Yeah." The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your dick?" The fat man answered, "Long time." The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?" The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?" Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. Q: Did you hear about the new blonde doll? A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. Q: What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man? A: Miracle whip. Q: Why does a dog lick its penis? A: Because it can't make a fist. A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks, Doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass." I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job." "Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small.. What do you think I should do?" "Do you want a hand job?" She's a keeper.