You might be a Liberal if...... --They propose to build low-income housing in your neighborhood and you oppose it for [wink, wink, nudge, nudge] "environmental" reasons. --You refer to a spending increase of 8% rather than the customary annual 10% spending increase as a "spending cut." --You are grateful to the IRS when you receive your tax "refund" --Your number one answer to society's ills is "education." --You think immigrants don't take away a single job from nonimmigrants because, gee, you've never had a Mexican co-worker in your Greenwich, Connecticut realty company. --The harshest thing you can say about Stalin and Mao's killing of millions is that it was a "failed experiment." --You use the words "Ethnocentrism" or "jingoistic" on a fairly regular basis. --You get livid whenever you hear the words "Cost-benefit analysis" and "Environmental regulations" in the same sentence. --You are in favor of affirmative action until you get fired so they can hire a minority, but you sue for sex discrimination because they fired you instead of a white male co-worker who had been working there one longer than you on the basis of the fact that you would have gotten the job earlier than he but for your pregnancy at the time. --When encountering an object of displeasure, your primal instinct is to tax it, blame Ronald Reagan for its origination, and/or label it homophobic, racist, sexist and anti-Semitic. --You have tremendous faith in the federal government's handling of money but you never give the IRS one nickel more than you owe, the amount of which thankfully is a lot less than it could have been due to the "artfulness" of your white male CPA (who by the way works at an accounting firm with only one black worker who, incidentally, is not in any high-level position). --You would object to passing out condoms in high schools, but only if the condoms had the Ten Commandments printed on the packaging. --You oppose "Heather and Her Two Mommies" being taught to kindergarteners on basis that it might stigmatize as "not normal" those youngsters who have three mommies, a goat and Sam Shepard's corpse raising them at home. Q: Where do they fit the fifth faggot in a Volkswagen? A: On the stick shift. Q: Why did the guy keep a tampon on top of his TV? A: To remind him that the cunt that got his VCR. Q: What is the chief advantage in being a lesbian? A: You never have to sleep on the wet spot. Q: What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her. Q: Why do queers prefer rubbers with ridges? A: Better traction in the mud. Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: Because it gives them something else to moan about. Q: Why is AIDS considered a social disease? A: Because it results in a lot of lonely assholes. Q: What's another name for a chastity belt? A: A manhole cover. Q: Who made the first soft drink? A: Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop. Q: Who was the first carpenter? A: Eve. She made Adam's banana stand. A businessman arrived in the city late for his convention, and was unable to secure a hotel room. "Hey, I am really desperate. I'll take anything at all." "Well," said the clerk, "I'll bet Mr. Jones would let you share his double bed with him, but it is only fair to warn you that his snoring is louder than an air raid siren." "No problemo," answered the businessman cheefully as he packed off towards the room. The next morning the clerk was still on duty when he came down from his temporary arrangement. "I know you thought it would be OK, but I am dying to know how you slept last night." "Like a baby." "You mean his snoring didn't bother you at all?" "Nope. He didn't snore. The minute I walked into the room I went over to the bed, bent over and kissed him on the mouth, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up awake all night keeping an eye on me." Q: A bomb drops at noon on each of the houses of a black family, white family, and Mexican family. Which is the only family that survives? A: The white family--the kids were at school and the parents were at work. Q: Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics contest? A: No one wanted to answer to "Idaho." A psychiatrist administered his routine Rorschach as part of the screening of a new male patient. He was stunned to learn that the patient associated every single ink blot with some sort of extreme sexual perversion. "I am afraid, son, that I am going to have to tell you that you really need a lot of therapy, and are going to have to come see me on a regular basis, starting Monday." "OK, doc, but can I borrow all those dirty pictures to liven up my hot date this weekend?" Q: Did you hear about the postcard that Beelzebubba sent Hillary from Hawaii where he was trysting with one of his chippies? A: It said, "Having a great time. Wish you were her." Q: Why did Hellen Keller have pock marks all over her face? A: Her parents let her eat with a fork. Top 5 reasons computers must be female 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistake is committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Top 5 reasons computers must be male 5. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 4. The best part of having one is the games you can play. 3. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless unless you tell them exactly what to do. 2. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 1. Size Does matter. Q: How can a shrink tell his new patient is exceedingly shy? A: When she shows up for her first appointment carrying a specimen bottle. Q: Do you know how to tell when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: When the big hand touches the little hand. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: Siamese twins connected at the ass, when one farts, the other one explodes. Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you. 6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months. 4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door! Q: What is the one reason a true humanitarian should support a shelter for bums in his own neighborhood? A: It would keep the flies away from his house. Q: How did Helen Keller tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies' room? A: She felt her way around. THE REAL MAN'S MATH TEST Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? A: 8 hours, 59 minutes. Who cares what she wants? A Polish woman went to the drugstore and asked the clerk to sell her some deodorant for her husband. "Certainly, madam," answered the clerk, "would that be the ball type?" "Oh, no. It's for under his arms." A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young blonde asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her normally active sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's ever asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!" Secretary: "Boss, may I use your Dictaphone?" Boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else." Q: What's the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker? A: A chess player moves every now and then. Two Vietnamese immigrated to America. Fresh off the boat, they were both hungry. and came across a hot dog stand. "What a nice touch of home!" one said to the other as they each paid for one, "they eat dogs here, too!" The pair sat down to enjoy their meal, and the first opened up the bag it came in and peered inside. "Hey Thanh," he said, "what part did you get?" LOVE vs LUST vs MARRIAGE LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. LOVE - when intercourse is called making love. LUST - all other times. MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. LOVE - when you share everything you own. LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - what's a climax? LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques. LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST - when you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...". LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them. LOVE - when nobody else matters. LUST - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit. MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music. LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST - when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. Q: What's small, red, and spins round at 2000rpm? A: A baby picking its nose with a power drill. Dec Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. Dec smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Dec broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Dec stammered, cleared his throat several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?" Clearing his throat once again, Dec stammered - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!" Q: What did the black kid get for his birthday? A: My bicycle. Q: Why can't black guys do pushups? A: Because their lips stick them to the floor on the first "down." Q: Did you hear about the leper prostitute who had to quit her job? A: Her business fell off. Q: How do Jews typically play football? A: They try to get the quarter back. Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? A: Because any woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q: What do you call a dislexic genius? A: Brians. Q: How did Kurt Cobain collect his final thoughts? A: With a spatula. Q: What is a surefire sign that the girl you just met is a Jewish American Princess? A: She thinks that "cooking" and "fucking" are two cities in China. Q: How can you tell if you're at a Scotsman's stag party? A: When a sheep jumps out of the cake. Q: What is another name for a Scotsman with lots of girlfriends? A: Shepherd. Q: How can a woman make a man eat shit? A1: Wipe forward. A2: Marry him. Q: What should you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath tub? A: Throw in your dirty laundry and some soap. Q: How can you tell if your case of acne is particularly bad? A: You walk into a pizza parlour and the counter girl laughs at you and then asks you if *you* are to go. Q: How many real men does it take to open a can of beer? A: None. The bitch better have it open when she gets it for me. Q: What was Christa McAuliff doing on the Space Shuttle in the first place? A: They figured out she was 65 pounds lighter than a regular dishwasher. Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped? A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass. Q: What do Evander Holyfield and Han Solo's Wookie have in common? A: Both are known by some people as Chewy. Q: What is the primary difference between Quasimodo and a messy room? A: You can straighten up a messy room. Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower? A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger. Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball? A: He kept his eye on the ball. Q: Why did they have to stop the leper baseball game? A: One of the players dropped a ball in right field. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together. Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got a greasy box to stick your bone in. Q: Why does Dolly Parton shop for her bras at Datsun dealerships? A: Because her size is 280 Z. Q: Did you hear about the new Detroit record label specializing in gangser rap? A: It's called "Mowdown." Q: What are the three reasons a bestialist prefers sheep over people? 1. They never have a headache. 2. They are always in the mood. 3. When you finish fucking them, you can eat them. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't join the Yacht Club because she didn't have a yacht? A: So, she's joining the Country Club instead. Two bums were thirsty, but only had 50 cents between them. Jack came up with an idea, pooled their money, and went and bought a hot dog. "What is that going to get us to drink?" asked Pete. "I'll show you. Just stuff it down the front of your pants and follow me." The two went to the nearest bar where they each ordered a double whiskey they downed with enthusiasm. As Jack noticed the bartender approach them with the bill, he promptly leaned over into Pete's lap, unzipped his fly, then pulled out the hot dog and started sucking on it. "How gross!" shouted the bartender. "Two fags doing it right here in public! Get out of my bar this instant!" They left, laughing. This clever gag worked equally as well at the next bar, the next, and so on for eight more stops. Finally, with their alcholic needs fully satisfied, they stumbled back to the alley they called home. "Well, see how much pleasure we got out of one plain old hot dog?" Jack gloated. "You don't know the half of it, Jack. I lost the hot dog after the second bar!" Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson's latest project is with Barney? A: It's Barney's new theme song (to the same tune as the old one): I touch you, you touch me, We don't tell your family . . . Q: What are the most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a comfort to a patient nervously awaiting a circumcision? A: "It won't be long now." A balding man asked his barber one visit if the barber knew any kind of treatment that would combat hairloss. "Yes," said the barber, "I know of something very effective. I use fluids from the vagina." "Female fluid? But that's preposterous! You are one of the baldest guys I have ever met!" "Oh, on top. Who cares about that? Check out my moustache!" Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit? A: Olive. Q: Did you hear about the first effort towards sexual application in the genetic engineering of food? A: They are trying to imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean into a cucumber to create the world's first organic vibrator. Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher? A: "See you next period." Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter? A: Chapped lips. Two rules at a girls' school: Lights out at 10:00, candles out at 10:30. A mother and her teenage daughter lived in abject poverty, so when she one day found a dollar on the way home from school, showing it to her mother caused great rejoicing. Her mother immediately conceived a good use for the money. "Buy two eggs and a bottle of ketchup, bring them back from the store, and you and I will have our first decent meal in weeks." The daughter obediently ran off, but on her return trip from the store a truck passed her and backfired as it came alongside, causing her to drop her bag of treasure on the sidewalk and breaking everything, including her heart as she immediately burst into tears at the thought of the loss. The kind-hearted man who was driving the truck stopped and came over to her and looked at the mess on the sidewalk and then made a valiant effort to cheer her up, "Don't cry, little girl, it's not really that much of a loss, It wouldn't have lived long anyway - its eyes were too far apart." EVALUATE YOUR MIND 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I tell you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 4. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? 5. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 6. I offer protection. I get the finger five times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 7. I have a stiff shaft. MY tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I? 8. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What am I? 9. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found, hung dangling, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long, glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times daily, but often much less. What is it? ANSWERS: 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. An elevator 4. A nose 5. A newspaper boy 6. A glove 7. An arrow 8. A bird 9. A toothbrush. What else? SCORES: 0-1 SLEAZE! 2-4 Mind in the gutter 5-7 Not too bad... 8-9 Asexual? I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, AND necrophilia but he finally gave it up. He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse. Q: What is the only good thing about Women's "Liberation?" A: It gives the girls something to do with all their spare time. Q: What do lesbians usually do for dinner? A: Eat out. Q: How many straight male hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Both of them. Q: How can you tell when your chick is too fat to fuck? A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, and her pussy is still in them. Q: What is the difference between herpes and AIDS? A: One is a love story, and the other is a fairy tale. Q: What does a fag get after being shut in a room with 100 of his sex-crazed peers? A: About a quart. A little boy was having a complete temper tantrum in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking all passersby. One of them was a white haired old minister, who leaned over and whispered something in the boy's ear. Immediately the boy stopped crying and sat up, allowing pedestrians to proceed. "Why, that was nearly a miracle, Reverend!" said the lad's mother. "I have never been able to get such results with Rotten Billy. What did you say to him, anyway?" "I merely informed him that if he didn't shut the fuck up and move I was going to kick his pathetic ass all the way to the moon." Q: What do a Catholic priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A: On both of them balls are purely decorative. WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU GET STOPPED I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! Excuse me. Is "stick 'em up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No donut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "Cops?" Damn! you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's? I pay your salary! So, uh, you on the take, or what? Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are. What do you mean, have I been "drinking?" You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. Sister Mary was asking the children in her third grade what they each wanted to be when they grew up. "I want to be a policeman," little Billy said. "Very good, Billy." Susy piped in, "I want to be a teacher." "Excellent!" smiled Sister Mary. "I want to be a prostitute," little Ellen added. Whereupon Sister Mary fainted to the floor. After several minutes the students were able to revive her. She asked what them to repeat what Ellen had said, and they told her. "Oh, thank God!" Sister Mary beamed. "I thought she said she wanted to be a Protestant!" Q: How is an old lady like Australia? A: Everyone knows what's "down under" but who gives a shit? Q: How is getting head from Hillary Clinton like walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon? A: In neither case do you want to look down. An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her. "That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion." And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis. "That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion." This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different. "I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her. "The good news." "OK, you don't have crabs." "Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked. "The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies." Q: What is the main difference between a blonde and a Rolls Royce? A: Not everyone has been in a Rolls Royce. HOW DO YOU REALLY "SCORE" WITH WOMEN? In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties ------------- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away.................................................... -1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1 You leave them under the bed...................................... -5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5 But return with beer.............................................. -5 You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......................................... -2 You make the bed.................................................. +1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1 You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5 You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10 It's her father................................................... -10 Social Engagements ------------------ You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................ -2 Named Tiffany..................................................... -4 Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6 Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.............................................. +1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...................................... -5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"........................................ +1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"...................................................... -6 That woman is her sister.......................................... -90 You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18 Things Of A Disgusting Nature ----------------------------- You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7 You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8 You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12 You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16 Saturday Afternoon ------------------ You go to the mall together....................................... +3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.................................................. +4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................................... -2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3 Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15 Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16 Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17 Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6 And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15 You visit her parents............................................. +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3 And the television is off......................................... -6 You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6 And you didn't even go to college................................. -10 And it's not your underwear....................................... -15 Her Birthday ------------ You take her out to dinner........................................ 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing...................................................... +4 And you stink..................................................... +2 And you're not half bad........................................... +5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.............................................. -2 You give her a gift............................................... 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10 With her credit card.............................................. -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40 Thoughtfulness -------------- You forget her birthday completely................................ -10 You forget your anniversary....................................... -20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50 A Night Out With The Boys ------------------------- Go out with a pal................................................. -5 And the pal is happily married.................................... -4 Or frighteningly single........................................... -7 And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15 You have a few beers.............................................. -9 And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12 You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30 And not wearing any pants......................................... -40 Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200 Tattoo says "O'Farrell's - Been There, Done That!"................-500 Her Night Out ------------- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends....................................................... +5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late.......................................................... +10 You wait up....................................................... +15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25 Which you clean up................................................ +35 A Night At Home --------------- You watch TV together............................................. 0 You rent a movie.................................................. +1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2 A Night Out ----------- You take her to a movie........................................... +2 You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6 You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2 It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7 Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs..................................................... -15 Flowers ------- You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10 And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25 Your Physique ------------- You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5 Grooming -------- You trim your nails............................................... +5 You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15 You shave on the weekends......................................... +2 You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4 You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8 But then, neither does she........................................ +8 Finances -------- You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5 Something she can't use........................................... -10 Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20 And your kid needs braces......................................... -30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120 Driving ------- You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4 You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.................................................. -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60 The Big Question ---------------- She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........................................ -10 You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25 Communication ------------- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10 Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common? A: They can both smell it, but they can't eat it! The grade school teacher illustrated to her class the difference between poetry and prose by reciting the poem, "Little Mary had a lamb whose fleece was white as snow. Every where that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She then explained that prose didn't rhyme, so to change it to prose, all one had to do was change the ending a little to, "the lamb always went with her." She then asked if anyone in the class could perform this same operation. Rotten Billy immediately began reciting, "Mary had a little pig who was a dirty runt. He stuck his snout up Mary's dress, and sniffed her little..." "Quick! Make it prose!" injected the teacher. "...asshole." Q: When does a Cub Scout graduate to a Boy Scout? A: After he has eaten his first Brownie. Q: What is a 72? A: A 69 with a 5 percent meal tax. Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend told her he loved her? A: She believed him. Q: How can you tell if your ladder was manufactured in Poland? A: There is a sign on the top step that says, "stop." A black guy walked up to a southerner playing with his pet raccoon. Never having seen such an animal before the black guy asked, "Hey, what kind of critter be dat?" "It is what y'all been called all your life." "No shit! A motherfucker!" Did you hear about the blonde who was deathly afraid of flies until the first day that she opened one? It seems this guy was tired of picking up young women in the bars because they just use him for his money and leave. So he decides one night to get the oldest women he can find. He's been sitting at the bar for a few hours now and it doesn't look hopeful. But just before he's about to leave this women that is about 88 comes in and sits at the bar. So he goes to work smooth talking her, and after awhile she agrees to leave with him. There back at his place now and he starts kissing her neck and taking off her blouse. Next he goes to work at kissing her breasts. He gets to the nipples and this white stuff starts shooting into his mouth, So he asks, "You're too old to be pregnant, aren't you?" She replies, "Yes, but not too old to have breast cancer." Q: What was the real reason the wheelbarrow was invented? A: So that black guys would learn to walk on their hind legs. A black hooker took a huge cash deposit in to her bank. The teller was amazed at the sum, and said, "Wow! Did you hoard all this money yourself?" "No. My sista hoed half of it." Q: What is a Jewish American Princess's concept on nymphomania? A: Having to have a man at least once a month. Q: Did you hear about the new disease affecting Jewish American Princesses? A: It's called MAIDS. If they don't get one, they die. Q: Why did the Jew cross the road? A: To franchise the other side. Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses use tampax instead of sanitary napkins? A: Because nothing gets to go in without a string attached. Q: What do the Japanese call cunnilingus? A: "Constluctive cliticism." Q: Name the two things that went off in Cunanan's mouth. A: A Colt .44 and Versace. Q: What's the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released? A: The safety. Q: Why can there never be any Mexican astronauts? A: Because every time someone yells "Launch!" they go out and eat. Q: What competitive disadvantage does a leper prostitute suffer? A: She can only give head once. Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off. Little Johnny walked in on his parents as they were having sex one night. "Mommy, Daddy! What are you doing?" "Well, uh, I am bumping all the air out of your Daddy," Mom explained. "What the fuck good will that do?" Johnny asked. "The lady next door will just blow him back up, again." Q: How do you get a man to do situps? A: Glue the TV remote between his ankles. Q: Did you hear that the Clintons have set up a new public archive of their business papers? A: There is no admission fee, but you have to get a court order to enter, and then you have to spend two years "finding" them. Q: Why did Karen Carpenter finally have to shoot her dog? A: Because he kept trying to bury her. Q: How do you know when a man is a sadist? A: When he fucks a woman all night with a four inch dick, and in the morning kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue. Old Arab proverb: A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure, and a goat for sheer ecstasy. Q: What is the most common thing you'd hear a black parrot say? A: "Polly want a white woman." Q: What's the only bad thing about oral sex? A: The view. Adam was in the Garden one day and found himself to be very down and lonely. He called out to God and said, "God, I'm lonely and I really want someone to talk to -- someone loving and kind; someone who will be a joy to be around and fun. What would something like that cost?" God replied in a booming voice: "Cost you an arm and a leg!" Adam thought for a second and replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" Q:What do a dog and a gynecologist have in common? A:They both have wet noses. Three young men went to the local whorehouse and asked the madam for the best treatment the house had to offer. She told them, "We have three high class deals. One for $100, one for $200, and one for $300." The first guy couldn't wait to see what he would get for his $100, so he plunked the money down and went off to a room. His friends overheard his squeals of ecstasy. He came out later with a big smile on his face and explained to his two friends that for $100 he got the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had put two pineapple rings around his penis and eaten them off, slowly. The second guy hastily forked over $200 and walked rapidly into a room. He likewise made groans and moans of pleasure loud enough for his pals to hear. When he came out he explained that he, too, had had the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had also put two pineapple rings around his penis, but in his case added a mountain of whipped cream before she ate them off, slowly. By this time the third guy was beside himself. He dropped his wallet in his haste to get out his $300, and literally sprinted into a room for his turn. As before, the two outside heard sounds of pleasure but this halted suddenly with a blood-curdling scream. The guy came out of the room doubled over and bleeding. "What went on?" asked on of his friends. "Well, she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She started out by putting two pineapple rings on my penis, then whipped cream, nuts, chocolate syrup and a cherry. I was so excited and it looked so good, I ate it myself!" Q: What is the difference between worry and panic? A: Twenty-eight days. A factory worker came home and told his wife that he had suffered an industrial accident and his finger had been cut off. "Oh, no!" she cried. "Not the whole finger!" "No, it was the one right next to it." Q: What is the difference between a Polish woman and a Bigfoot? A: One is 6 feet tall, dirty, hairy, and smelly, and the other just has really big feet. A customer was screwing an old whore and she asked him, "Say, John, that ring you are wearing is a little uncomfortable, do you mind taking it off?" "Hah! That's not my ring, that's my watch!" Q: What is the best way to make a pussy talk? A: Put a tongue into it. Q: Where do female airline pilots sit? A: In the cuntpit. Q: What is the primary difference between eating pussy and eating sushi? A: The rice. Two whores were walking down the street when one said, "Hey! Do I smell cock?" "Nope," was the answer. "That's just my breath." Daffynition, "bisexual" : someone who likes girls as well as the next guy. Q: What's the difference between Hillary and Rock Hudson? A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet. Q: Did you hear about the new jeans Calvin Klein designed for faggots? A: They have kneepads in front and a zippered trapdoor on the ass. Q: What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A: Well, the hematologist pricks your finger... Q: Did you hear about the fag in biology class? A: Why all the other students were dissecting frogs, he kept opening flies. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: Another lawyer. Q: What did the queer masochist say when he entered the Western bar? A: "I'll bet any man in this place can whip me." Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: When the lawyer goes to sleep, he takes off his wingtips. Q: What do you call a faggot who has had a vasectomy? A: A seedless fruit. Q: How can you tell if a termite is queer? A: He only eats male boxes. Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? A: All he cared about was legs, breasts, and thighs. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister were enjoying beers together at the local tavern. Suddenly a fly landed in the priest's beer. The priest gently scooped the fly out, released it, and exclaimed, "Fly away free, you little creature of God!" After a couple of minutes, the fly returned and landed in the minister's beer. Not to be outdone in demonstration of his faith, the minister scooped the fly out carefully and released it, saying, "Fly away free, you little creature of God!" Not more than five minutes passed when the fly returned and made a nosedive into the rabbi's beer. He responded by grabbing it back out and pulling its wings as he shouted, "Spit my beer back in the glass, you alcoholic son-of-a-bitch!" Little Johnny was saying his prayers one night, and ended with "God bless Grandpa." In the morning the family discovered Grandpa dead in his bed. Johnny explained the possible link between his special prayer the night before and the sudden death, but no one payed him heed. The next night Johnny prayed, "God bless Grandma." She too was found dead the next morning, and when Johnny told of his prayer, everyone became very concerned. On the third night Johnny prayed, "God bless Pa." Johnny's mother told her husband of the prayer, and he became instantly paranoid and was unable to sleep a wink. In the morning he dragged his ass to work. At the end of the day he returned and complained, "What a horrible day! No sleep last night, accidents at work, and everyone arguing!" "Hah! You think you had a bad day!" said his wife, "The mailman dropped dead on our front porch this morning." Q: What's red and dances? A: A baby standing on a burner. Q: How can you tell if it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house? A: Peer inside your pants...if you have a dick it isn't time. Today is remember Baby Fae day. In case you don't recall, Baby Fae was a female infant who received a baboon heart transplant: Knock, knock. Who's there? Baby Fae. Baby Fae, who? Baby Fae, hoo, oohoo, oohoo! Q: What did Baby Fae die of? A: Baboonic Plague. Q: What was the first thing they did after getting Baby Fae off the respirator? A: Got her down from the chandelier. A fifty year old hooker walked into a bar and stood next to a young male customer who was having a boilermaker. "Hi. My name is Hot Mary, and I've been hooking for decades. I'll bet I could teach a young stallion like you some new tricks," she opened. The man looked at her in disgust, noticing her fat ass, her sagging tits, her hard and wrinkled face. "So, you think you could show me something I've never seen before?" "Yep. Watch." She lifted her leg over the stool next to him and sat down on it. And promptly sank all the way down to the floor of the bar. Q: What is the most tasteless song you can play at an oldster's dance? A: Taps. Q: What is a 6.9? A: It's a 69 interrupted by a period. The housewife got a phone call from the brewery where her husband worked, "I'm sorry to inform you, ma'am, that your husband drowned today in one of our vats of beer." "Oh, my God! Was it quick?" "No, it took some time." "Well, then, did he suffer much?" "I don't think so," was the reply. "He got out on four separate occasions to urinate before he went under for the final time." Daffynition - Hijacking: a masturbating astronaut. A newlywed couple on their first night together stopped at a farm and asked the farmer if he could put them up for the night. He agreed. The next morning the farmer yelled up to the couple, who were still in bed, "Hey! Breakfast is ready!" "Oh, don't worry about us," answered the groom, "We're living on the fruits of love." "Well, then at least stop throwing the skins out your window. They're choking my chickens!" The LAPD, FBI, and CIA are trying to prove that each of them is the best at apprehending criminals. Janet Reno decides to submit them to a test. She releases a rabbit into the forest, and tells each agency to go and capture it. The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigating, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit. They make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in last. They come out one hour later with a badly beaten bear which keeps yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" 101 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers Over Men: 1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 4. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie. 12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat. 13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home. 14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds. 15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?". 17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 21. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache. 23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is. 24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet. 25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent. 26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry. 27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends. 28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab". 29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind. 30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind. 31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist. 32. ...take you to confession. 33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore. 35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away. 37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on. 49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts. 50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?" 54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser. 55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group. 56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one. 59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over. 61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey. 64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. 65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold. 70. Cucumbers don't count to 10. 71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. 72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman. 73. ...for another man. 74. ...for another cucumber. 75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman. 76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. 77. You always know where a cucumber has been. 78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises. 80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married. 83. ...is on penicillin. 84. ...likes you - but loves your brother. 85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R. 87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. 88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party. 90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit. 92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family. 94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School. 95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian. 99. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything. 101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too. Q: What is crueller than sending an anniversary card to Yoko Ono? A: Sending a Father's Day card to Charles Lindbergh. Q: What is the fastest way to recondition an aging hooker? A: Shove a ten pound ham up her snatch and pull the bone back out. Once upon a time there were 3 bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear. Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear decided to go for a walk to let their porridge cool. Meanwhile, Goldilocks is wandering through the woods and goes into Papa Bear's house. She tries Papa Bear's chair, too hard. Mama Bear's chair is too soft. Baby Bear's chair is just right. Then she tries Papa Bear's porridge, too hot. Mama Bear's porridge is too cold. Baby Bear's porridge is just right, so she eats it all up. Goldilocks is now tired so she goes upstairs and tries Papa Bear's bed which is too hard. Mama Bear's bed is too soft. Baby Bear's bed is just right. And she falls fast asleep. Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear arrive home from their walk to find that somebody's been in the house and tried their porridge and ate Baby Bear's porridge all up. Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear decide to go to bed. Papa Bear says, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!" Mama Bear says, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" Baby Bear says, "GOODNIGHT!" Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q: What is grosser than gross? A: When you wake up in a strange bed one morning and find a lump in your throat, then realize that there's a string attached to it. Q: Why did it take the Polish couple six weeks to drive across the U.S.? A: Because they kept encountering signs that said, "Clean Rest Rooms." Q: How did the Polish woman keep her son from biting his nails? A: She made him wear shoes. Daffynition - Necrophilia: the urge to pop a cold one. There once was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. So one day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair black. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a man standing in a field with a bunch of animals. "That's a nice flock of sheep, Mr. Sheepherder!" She said. "Well, thank you," he answered. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman. "Let's hear it." "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I have one to take home?" asked the woman. "Sure." was his reply. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and concentrated all her mathematical skills, then guessed "382." "Wow!" Said the shepherd. "That is exactly right! Go ahead and pick out whichever sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the rancher said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: About 45 minutes. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: About 45 pounds. Q: What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? A: Men usually miss them both. Q: Why can't you hire two Greek guys in the same workplace? A: Because they will always find a way to get a little behind in their work. Q: What do Polish girls do to protect themselves from peeping toms? A: They leave their curtains open. Q: What is the Alzheimer's society slogan? A: Remember those who can't. Q: Have you heard about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? A: He wanted to know who the other man was... Q: Why do women have babies? A: Because it hurts and they deserve it. Q: Why can't Italian men give their wives mink coats? A: Because the fur clashes with their wives' moustaches. If a man speaks in the woods and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? Q: How do Eskimos give birth? A: They start out by rubbing noses, and pretty soon the little buggers fall out. Q: How do you make Italian sausage? A: From retarded pigs. Q: How many chiropracters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it takes 20 visits. A man goes into the local corner deli. When the shop assistant, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get him anything, he leans over and whispers, "Is it true that you give hand jobs in the back room?" "Why, yes sir," the shop assistant coos. "I've already satisfied five customers this morning, and it still isn't noon yet." "Good, good," the man replies. "Then go and wash your hands. All I came for was a ham sandwich." Q: What is the one social advantage to being Polish? A: You never miss a phone call due to being in the bathtub. Q: Why is it traditional to boil water when a woman is giving birth to a baby? A: Because if the baby dies, you can make soup. A woman went to see her doctor because of serious abrasions on her knees. "Do you know what caused these injuries?" the doctor asked. "Well," she blushed, "I've been having sex doggie style." "Oh, that's no problem. Just roll over and do it missionary style for awhile." "Oh, but that is a problem," she asserted. "Every time I try it that way, my dog's breath makes me retch." Q: What do you do when a cat spits at you? A: Turn the grill down. Q: Why did the little girl keep a dead goldfish in her pocket? A: Because she wanted to smell just like a big girl. Late one Saturday night a vet received a phone call at his home. It was a little old lady who asked him how to stop two dogs from fucking in her front yard. "Try prying them apart with a broom handle." Ten minutes later the vet's phone rang again, and it was the same old lady with the same problem. "The broom handle didn't work? Try a bucket of cold water." Fifteen minutes later his phone rang once more. The lady said plan number two had failed also. "Just tell the male dog that the phone is ringing and it's for him." "What? Do you honestly think that will stop him from fucking?" "Sure. It's worked three times on me already." A Polack was dragged in for his blood test during a paternity suit. He went into the doctor's office terribly nervous, but came out smiling and confident. "Why you so happy, Voicek?" his friend asked. "I have nothing to worry about now. Stupid doctor take samples from my finger!" Q: What was Mickey Mantle's favorite part of the game? A: The bottom of the fifth. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their sexlives: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you meant with one guy? Q: Why have all of Dolly Parton's teeth fallen out? A: Because her dentist could never reach them. A patient being prepped for oral surgery asked the attending nurse, "What is going to happen to me? Will I die? Will I be hideously disfigured?" "Try not to worry, sir," she consoled him, "You are going to be given the best of treatment by the greatest professionals in the world." "Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't worry. Why tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up and laugh about this whole thing!" "Well, no. Without any lips you won't be able ever to laugh again." A priest suffering from a dry persistent cough went to see his doctor. After careful examination and thorough blood tests the doctor told him, "I am sorry father, but you have AIDS and you are going to die." "Oh! How horrible!" sobbed the priest. "Yes, I understand, father," said the doctor. "I know you must be disappointed about dying." "Hell, no. Everybody dies. What disappoints me is honor. Used to be that you could trust altar boys." A careening drunk who reeked additionally of cheap perfume and cigarette smoke boarded a bus and took the only available seat next to a priest. He addressed the priest in a slurred fashion, "Hey, father, what causes arthritis?" The obviously irritated priest snapped at him, "Severe immorality causes arthritis. More specifically, smoking, drinking, and consorting with loose females!" "Well, Damn! That mystifies the shit out of me!" After several minutes of stillness, the priest began feeling guilty about the way he had put the drunk down. By way of apology, he said, "I am sorry, my son, that I was so curt with you. Tell me, how long have you suffered from arthritis?" "Oh, I don't have arthritis," was the reply. "I just read in the paper where the Pope has it." Q: What is the favorite food of Mexican cannibals? A: Refried beings. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why will Bill Clinton never get eaten by cannibals? A: Because he's too hard to swallow. Q: How did the boy feel when he first discovered that he was a queer? A: It was quite a blow. Two dykes in a bar were looking at a woman across the room. The first dyke said, "Boy, I sure would like to plumb her depths with my tongue." "No, you wouldn't," said the second, "I know her, and she's hung like a doughnut." Q: How can you first tell if the bar you are entering is a gay bar? A: If there's a sign above the door - "No Chicks Accepted." If Mamma Cass had shared her ham sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they might both be alive today. Q: What is the favorite way one faggot wishes another to have a good trip? A: "Buns voyage." A 97 year old codger went to the doctor and said, "You've got to do something to lower my sex drive, sonny." The bemused doctor looked at the feeble, bent-over old coot, and told him, "I'm afraid your sex drive is all in your head, sir." "That's exactly what I mean, you young whipper-snapper, when I tell you that you've got to lower it!" Q: What could women do to best help stem the population explosion? A: Use their heads. Q: Where can you go to find a good lawyer? A: The cemetery. A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush." When the sixteen year old girl came home and announced that she was pregnant, her mother exploded in indignation, "That's terrible!" "And it's all your fault, too." "What do you mean, it's all my fault? I taught you all about the birds and the bees!" "Yeah, but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job." Two queers are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the water another guy walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?" "We are teaching our baby to swim!" Daffynition - Tragedy: When your girlfriend puts her bra on backwards, and it fits. A motorcycle cop pulled over an elderly motorist on the freeway. "Say, mister," he said, "Did you know your wife fell out of you car about five miles back?" "Oh, my God! What a relief!" he exclaimed. "I was afraid I'd gone deaf!" A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and stuck two fingers directly in her vagina. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfucker!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." "Where did I come from, Mommy?" little Johnny asked. "Well, dear, you...ah...came from a bucket." Little Johnny shortly later cornered his father and asked him, "Daddy, Mommy said I came from a bucket. Is that true?" "Well...yes, son," the father grimaced, "I am afraid that is about the size of it." Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton in the last election? A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush. Daffynition - Premature ejaculation: a spoil-spurt. Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide by running in front of a car? A: You would, too, if your name were "Arrghhhh." Q: What drove Helen Keller stark raving mad? A: Trying to read a stucco wall. A butcher had a daughter that he couldn't marry off for the life of him. She showed no interest in any of her suitors. This caused poor old Butch to lose a lot of sleep, nights, worrying that he was going to wind up with an old maid permanently on his hands. Then late on night he heard a noise coming from the shop below his bedroom. He went down to investigate, and observed his daughter masturbating furiously with a salami. He shook his head sadly and went back to bed. The next day a customer came into the shop and asked to buy the salami. "I'm sorry, but that salami is not for sale. You see, it's my son-in-law." Two women were in the waiting room of an abortion clinic, when one noticed that the other was knitting what looked like a tiny, blue baby bonnet. The first lady said to the knitter, "Excuse me, but don't you regard it as at least mildly tasteless to be sewing a baby bonnet when you are about to have an abortion?" "Not even remotely tasteless," the second lady said. "You see, it's not a baby bonnet, it's a body bag." Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd." Q: Why do Black widow spiders kill their mates after sex? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: What has Bill Clinton done for the US? A: Just about what pantyhose did for fingerfucking. A well dressed woman in a fancy restaurant was just getting served her dinner when she let rip a horrendous fart. Embarassed, she turned immediately to the waiter and snapped, "Waiter! Stop that this instant!" "Very well, Madam," the waiter replied with professional cool. "And in just what direction do you think your fart was headed?" Q: How is a vagina like a warm toilet seat? A: Well, they both feel nice but you can't help but wonder who has been there before you. Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: What are the three most profoundly impressive things women can do? A: Give milk without eating hay, bleed without getting cut, and bury bones without having to dig a hole. Q: Did you hear about the faggot sperm bank with a new freezing method? A: They advertised their product as, "Tastes just like fresh squeezed." One friend in a bar asked another, "So, how did you do with that blonde you took home last night." "Terrible. She had the biggest cunt I've ever seen." "So, what did you do?" "Not much I could do. I just threw in a quarter, made a wish, and sent her home." Q: Why can a woman get by with only one egg, but a man needs to make millions of sperm? A: Because even men's sperm won't stop to ask directions. Daffynition: Wife - an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. A blonde went into the employment agency to get a job. She met with one of the clerks, who helped by beginning to fill in her application. "What's your name?" he asked. "Buffy Smith," she answered. "No, no, I mean your whole name." "Vagina." An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbled instead into a podiatrist's office and weaved over to the receptionist. Without looking up she waved him over to the examination bed and said, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulled out his penis and wagged it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady, I never knew these places had a minimum!" Daffynition: Orgasm - a gland finale. A middle-aged woman took a taxi home, but when they arrived at their destination, she discovered that she had no money. She lifted up her dress, dropped her panties and shouted to the cabbie, "How's about taking out what I owe you in trade?" The cabbie looked and said, "Don't you have anything smaller?" Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big for his coffin? A: After they gave him an enema, he could fit in a shoebox. Q: Why are there so few black skiers? A: Even athletic people can't ski well with a pole in one hand and a ghetto blaster in the other. A teenager was always causing problems at school and had a perpetual "F" average. In desperation his father removed him from the public school and enrolled him in a Catholic school. To the father's pleasant shock, his son brought home a straight "A" report card after the first term. "Holy Shit, son! How do you explain the improvement in your behavior?" "Well, the first day at the new school I looked up on the wall and saw some kid nailed to a cross. So, I figured this was not the place to fuck around." Q: What is the ultimate Jewish dilemma? A: Free bacon. There was a band of hacker boys, far too close to L.A. Thought they'd become astronauts by Jimmy Jones' way. Their faces draped in purple and their hearts were mighty pure, Assumed they'd ride a comet, now they're all room temperature. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy. They all wore new black Nikes with their glasses by their heads, "The aliens are comin'" were the last words that they said. They thought alien paradise was their eternal lot, But the National Enquirer was as far out as they got. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy. So if you're surfin' pilgim, our electronic frontier, Take off your hat and raise your mouse and shed a silent tear. For 39 poor suckers who for Hale-Bopp gave their all, By mainlining the Internet, and Phenobarbytol. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy. Q: Why are Jewish children so rude? A: Heredity. Q: Why do they play sports on artificial turf in Poland? A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing. Q: Why did the feminist commit suicide? A: She saw herself in the mirror. Q: Why won't Jewish American Princesses breast feed their male babies? A: Because they don't want them to grow up to become leeches like their fathers. Q: How can you pick out the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding? A: She's the one down on her knees picking up the rice. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job as an elevator operator? A: No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't learn the route. A blonde just got married and decided to fuck the brains out of her new husband on their first night together. She put on her sexiest negligee, crawled into bed with him, and snuggled up. But nothing happened. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I can't have sex...it's Lent." "Lent? To whom and for how long?" Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest for invalids. The first lacks one arm, the second has only two legs, and the third one has no legs and no arms. They all line up, the whistle blows, and with a splash they're all in the pool. The first guy takes the lead instantly but the guy with no arms is closing very fast. The third one sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later the guy with no arms finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides to dive down to rescue the poor guy. He picks him up, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool, whereupon the limbless guy starts coughing and spluttering. Then he shouts: "Three fuckung years I've spent learning to swim with my ears then, two minutes before the whistle, some son-of-a-bitch puts a swimming cap on my head!" Q: Why do blondes insist that their partners use condoms during sex? A: Doggie bag. Q: What is the first thing they teach Arabs who want to become soldiers? A: How to put their hands up in the air. Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A: A canoe tips. Q: Why don't vampires go south of the border? A: Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the shits for a month. Q: Why did the homosexual give up playing chess? A: He found out that occasionally queens were sacrificed. Daffynition - Fart: a Greek love call. A circus man had an extremely intelligent talking octopus, which, additionally, he had taught to play the drums, trumpet, and violin all at the same time. In the interests of expanding his one-animal orchestra, he threw a bagpipe into the octopus's tank one day so it could learn that instrument, too. But hours passed and no music came from the tank. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he shouted into the water at the exhausted looking octopus. "I gave you that bagpipe, why don't you play it?" "Play it? I thought I was supposed to lay it!" Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a woman? A: When she has to take her dog to the vet and Fido gets diagnosed as having the clap. Q: What was the name of the mythical little boy whose nuts got larger every time he told a lie? A: Pistachio. A precocious ten year old girl came into her mother's bedroom and asked, "Mommy, can I have a baby?" "Why, of course not!" her mother shrieked. The girl ran out of the room smiling and her mother soon heard her yelling as she ran back outside the house, "OK, guys, we can play that game some more!" Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: You made her chain too long. Daffynition - Brownie points: What you find in a future girl scout's training bra. Q: What is a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: A padded dash. Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a G spot? A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. The smart aleck medical student who never missed an opportunity was asked the following question by his professor: "If a patient is born without a penis, what would you do?" "I'd wait until she's 18, then I'd give her mine." The new patient began describing his problem to the shrink from his horizontal position on the couch. "You see, doc, I have this recurring fantasy about having sex with a horse." "Oh? Mare or stallion?" "Hey, wait a minute! What do you think I am, some kind of pervert or something?" A Democrat politician was drinking with two doctors at a bar. The doctors began feeling their fluids, and started to brag. The first one said, "Boy, am I good! A couple of weeks ago I took a hand off a corpse and put it on a guy who had just lost his in an accident. Today, he is out looking for work." The second doctor, not to be outdone, replied, "So? A couple of weeks ago, I took the eyes from a donor and put them in a blind woman. Today, she is out looking for work." The Democrat, an expert at one-upmanship, said "Big deal! A few months ago we took an asshole from Arkansas, put him back in the White House, and now half the entire nation is looking for work!" A nun who ran the local orphanage called in three girls who had just turned 18, and were therefore about to be unleashed on the world as adults. "You are women now," she began, "So I must warn you about the ways of the men of the world. They will take you out dining and drinking, take you back to their abodes, take off all of your clothes, have sloppy sex with you, and then give you some money and send you away." One of the girls looked back at her wide-eyed and needed to confirm part of what she had just heard. "You mean men of the world will have sex with us and pay us with cash?" "Yes, my child. I am afraid it is true." "Well, Alright! All the cheap-assed priests ever paid us with was candy!" Q: What crime is common to all transvestites? A: Male fraud. Q: Did you hear what the interior decorator did after he turned black and blue from a car accident? A: He committed suicide because he now clashed with his own drapes. Q: When did Clinton first realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. Q: What was J. Edgar Hoover's private motto? A: "Eat, drink, and be Mary." A queer heard one of his boyfriends was in the hospital, so went to visit him. His friend looked terrible, so he asked him what all had happened. "Well, they cut out my tonsils, pulled out all of my teeth, and removed my hemorrhoids." "You don't say! A total hysterectomy!" Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex? A: They can’t stand to see a man having a good time. Q: What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a blonde's mouth? A: Albert Einstein’s dick. Q: What do Rabbis do with the skin left over from circumcisions? A: They sell it to faggots for chewing gum. Two weeks after they broke up, the one of the faggot pair who had left the apartment returned and rang the doorbell. "What do you want?" asked his ex-boyfriend. "I just came back to get my puce and lavender scarf." "Bullshit! You can kiss my ass!" was the reply. "No! I didn't come to make up, just to get my scarf." Two octegenarians were talking about their recently deceased friend. "I have to admire old Harry. He died for his principles." "I didn't know that old lech had any principles!" "He did, though. He believed he could live the life of a 20 year old in an 85 year old's body." Q: How are women like condoms? A: When they're not hanging off the end of your dick, they're in your wallet! Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a divorce? A: In a divorce you get rid of the whole prick! A blonde was walking down a dark alley one night when a mugger jumped out of a doorway and demanded all her money. "But I don't have any money," she said. "Don't lie to me! I know you must have some on you somewhere. Where is it, in your bra?" said the robber as he began frisking her all over. He paid particular attention to the very full looking and understandably therefore suspect bra. As a matter of fact, he groped her breasts for a prolonged period, finding nothing. Well, no money, anyway. "I told you I didn't have any money," the blonde smiled, "but if you promise to keep that up for another ten minutes, I'll write you a check for any amount you want." Q: Why did the Clintons have only one child? A: Because Hillary had a vasectomy. Daffynition - aging: When you are not as good as you once were, but you're as good as you were...once. A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty blonde took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch!" Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper. Q: Which doesn't fit the following group of items: a toaster, a dishwasher, a woman, and a washing machine? A: A toaster. The rest all leak when they're fucked. A middle-aged man decided to murder his wife. So he went to his doctor, who was also his personal friend, and asked him what kind of poison to use on her. The doc told him that, unfortunately, there was no poison that couldn't be detected in an autopsy. "Shit! What am I going to do then?" he worried. "Well, I have an better plan. One that I call the 'organic' approach. What you do is fuck your wife five times a day, every day. It will really tell on her. Eventually, you will have fucked her literally to death." This plan appealed to the man for several reasons, so he agreed to implement it. Five weeks passed, and the doctor hadn't heard a word from his friend. Curious about his fiendish plot, he went to the friend's house to check on its success. There in a rocking chair on the front porch sat a wizened old coot who was wrinkled, stooped, gray, balding, dehydrated, and his teeth were all falling out. The doctor was shocked when, upon closer examination, he realized that this old wreck was really his friend/patient. While the stunned look was still on the doctor's face, the wife walked out the front door and smiled at him in leaving the house. "My God! She looks flush, radiant, and vibrant!" "Yep," wheezed the husband, "she doesn't even realize she's about to die!" A man was selling strawberries door-to-door. He knocked on the front door of a house, and a beautiful young lady answered the door. He asked if she wanted any of his strawberries. "Yes, I think we can work something out," she said, "Come around to the back door." When he got to the back door she was now standing there totally naked and looking seductive. Immediately the man began sobbing loudly. "What's the matter?" she asked. "A month ago, I got fired from my steady job. A week ago my wife left me. Yesterday my house burned down. And now, today I am going to get fucked out of my strawberries!" Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? A: He sold his soul to Santa. Q: What is a target-rich singles bar? A: One where every girl has to display her I.U.D. to enter. On the morning after their wedding night, the groom called down to their hotel's room service to order breakfast. For himself he ordered one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice to restore his fluids. For his wife her ordered a plain head of lettuce. The clerk was surprised by the latter and said, "Won't your wife be wanting anything else?" "Not at this point," he replied, "I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit, too." A Polish girl's visa ran out in New York City at the same time as her money. She was desperate to get back to Poland, and utterly penniless. It was in this condition that she was confronted by a man in sailor's garb at the dock one day. After confiding in him, he proposed a solution to her problem. "I will smuggle you aboard my ship tonight and hide you. Twice a day I will bring you food to keep you alive during our passage. All you have to do in return is give me a blowjob each time I bring the food. You won't have to spend any money whatsoever." She agreed. And, true to his word, the sailor brought her a meal twice daily to her dark, quiet hiding place. She fulfilled her part of the bargain each visit. After three weeks, though, the captain noticed his sailor's odd routine, and followed him to the girl's hiding spot, where he watch the exchange of food and semen. After the sailor left, he confronted the stowaway, and she confessed everything to him. "Well, my dear," he smiled, "that was damn decent of my crewman to take you under his wing, but I am afraid you are being taken advantage of by him. You see, this is the Staten Island ferry." A barber was giving a shave and a haircut to an insufferable prick who kept complaining about absolutely everything. Bitch, moan, bitch, moan, bitch, moan. When the barber finished he began to put some aftershave on the customer and, sure enough, he complained again, "Don't put any of that putrid shit on me! My wife will think that I smell like a fucking whorehouse!" "OK," said the barber, as he quietly put the aftershave away. "But I sure am thankful that my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like." Firing guns as they entered, two robbers entered a bank and announced a stickup. They ordered everyone in the bank to disrobe completely and lie face down on the floor. One blonde teller was not only nervous, but traditionally made many mistakes. After taking off her clothes, she lay down on the floor face up. One of her fellow tellers next to her hissed, "Roll over, Buffy! This is a robbery, not the office party!" Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know - it's never happened. Q: Did you hear about the town nymphomaniac? A: She was so skinny that every time she swallowed an olive, five guys skipped town. Three sisters got married on the same day. All three couples decided to spend their first wedded night at the home of the sisters' mother before splitting up and going their separate ways along life's path. The girls' mother decided to stay up all night and be available just in case her daughters needed any critical last-minute advice. None of the girls came to her mother during the night, but she did overhear what noises came from their respective bedrooms. What amazed the woman the most was that, although she had trained all three of her daughters identically, the sound coming from the respective bedrooms was different in each case...laughing from one, crying from one, and total silence from the third. Overpowered by natural feminine curiousity, the lady interviewed her daughters the next day. One girl explained, "You heard me crying. You always taught us to cry when something hurt." "You heard me laughing," said the second daughter. "You always taught us to laugh when something tickled." "You didn't hear anything from me," added the third daughter. "You always taught us not to talk when we had a mouth full." A middle-aged guy who was stark bald bought a hairpiece to see if he could increase his attractiveness. That same night, he decided to try it out. He picked up a really cute young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. He turned off all the lights to get things started, and soon they were in to heavy petting. Lothario realized with horror that his wig had fallen off, and began groping frantically for it in the darkness, hoping to put it back on his head before the girl discovered his deception. In his searching zeal he inadvertently ran his hand up between his date's legs. "Oh! That's it!" she exclaimed. "No it isn't! I part mine on the side." Two gay guys are sitting around at the house. They're really bored, so the first one says, "I know. Let's play hide and seek! If you can find me, I'll blow you." The second says, "But what if I can't find you?" "I'll be behind the piano," says the first. An obviously wealthy businessman from out of town stopped in to the local whorehouse and asked for the rottenest lay in the place. The madam was amazed, and said, "Sir, you obviously could afford a highly skillful centerfold, you don't need some rank amateur." "No, no, you misunderstand," he answered. "I'm not horney, I'm just homesick." A teenage boy was beating off secretively in his bedroom. He jizzed into the palm of his left hand and looked down at the cum. "You know," he addressed the semen, "you could have turned out to be an astronaut. You could have turned out to be a great general. You might even have become President of the United States." He continued staring at his handful ruefully, then said, "Don't worry, I'll give you another chance," then licked his palm clean and swallowed it all. Q: What's the difference between Presidents Hoover and Clinton? A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot. The hotel manager found a beautiful blonde maid looking rather guilty. "What is the matter, my dear?" "Well, the man in room 1210 called down for room service, and I was sent up to his room. I walked in. He took one look at me, tore all my clothes off, and brutally horse fucked me right on the floor." "Oh," consoled the manager, "you must be feeling terrible." "I am. I never even found out what it was he wanted." A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch." A guy decided to hit on a beautiful babe at a party and asked her if she would like a drink. "I don't drink," she answered. "Oh. Well, how about if you come to my place and give me a blowjob?" "I don't have sex," she said. "Well, then, can I give you a bale of hay?" "Hay! What the hell for, I don't eat hay!" "I was just confirming I was right," said the guy, "You're not fit company for man or beast." Q: How can you tell if your doctor is queer? A: When you can feel both of his hands on your shoulders while you are getting a rectal exam. A salesman at a convention picked up a classy looking girl at the hotel bar and took her back to his room. After long, passionate, wet, sloppy lovemaking, his mood suddenly changed from joyous to morose. "I can't believe I did that," he lamented. "I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful family, and a picturesque home. I have never betrayed them before. I feel so terrible, so guilty." "Oh, buck up," the girl replied. "What you did wasn't so bad. People do much worse things all the time. I, for instance, before we started knew I had herpes." Q: When is the only time a blonde says anything intelligent? A: When she is talking about what her husband said. A whore walked up to the bar, put her just-earned $20 down, and ordered a whiskey. The bartender looked at the $20 bill and said, "I'm sorry, but that's counterfeit. You've been fucked." "Like hell!" she said. "I've been raped!" A carpenter had been hired to add a new partition in a whorehouse. After he completed his job, he naturally went to the madam and asked her for $100 in payment. "I'm sorry, pal," she said. "But I can't pay you in cash. However, I can let you take it out in trade." The carpenter scowled in disappointment, but nodded his head. The madam promptly took off all of her clothes and spreadeagled on the bed for him. He leaned over her and stuck his thumb in her asshole and next two fingers in her vagina. "Now pay me the $100, or I'll pull out the partition." Q: Why did Helen Keller have pock marks all over her face? A: From learning to eat with a fork. Q: Did you hear about the little-known morals arrest of Helen Keller when she was in high school? A: They caught her lip-reading in the girls' locker room. The mother of a girl out on a date stayed up late waiting for her to return. When she finally came in the door, the mother noticed that her daughter was covered with rice. "Susie! I didn't know it was a wedding that you were going to!" "It wasn't, Mom. I was blowing a Chinese guy and he barfed up all over me."