Fantasy Life in America: A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "O, illegal alien," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in these United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have so good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- POOF! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Phoenix on the water with eight bedrooms for my anchor family and the rest of my relatives who still live in Mexico - I want to bring them all over here." -- and -- POOF! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the water. "One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans." and -- POOF! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and the same sombrero. He had all his bad or missing teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?" The fairy answered, "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a WHITE American, you have to fend for yourself, and pay horrible taxes, too." A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona chick are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to smithereens. He says, "In the Saudom Arabia we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same one twice, either." The Arizona gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her glass of beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the empty into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching the glass and setting it on the bar, she calls for a refill and says, "In Arizona we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." Things You Don't Want To Hear Or Say In Bed On second thought, let's turn off the lights. Got any penicillin? When is this supposed to feel good? You're good enough to do this for a living. But everybody looks funny naked. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'? Is that you I smell? Have you ever considered liposuction? Have you seen Fatal Attraction? Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper. This would be more fun with some more people, is your brother at home? Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Did I mention the video camera? My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer! And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober..... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? Retirement isn't the same for everyone. One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the nursing home administrator. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale." Two magazines, Country Living (95.99% white readership) and Ebony /Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on "WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?" The results were interesting, to say the least: Country Living magazine's top three answers were: 1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S. 2. Child/spouse dying 3. Terminal illness Ebony / Jet magazine's top three answers were: 1. Ghosts 2. Big dogs 3. Registered mail Two redneck boys are sitting in their redneck class one day when they realize they can see straight up their Pollack teacher's skirt and she wasn't wearing any underwear.. One says to the other, "What do you suppose those little brown things are? They look like raisins. She musta had raisins at lunch and dropped some in her lap." The other says "Naw - them's dung balls from the way women wipe their asses." "Nope - them's raisins." Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Johnny says them things around your snatch is raisins and I say they're dung balls from the way you wipe your ass. Which one's right?" "Neither, " replied the Pollack teacher kindly. "They're flies." So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the hooker, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that thing in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, "To Hell with you, lady, I can do that myself!" Rejected Ideas for Mother's Day Cards: I love you when you're happy. I love you when you're sad. I love you though you told me, The milkman is my dad. Roses are red, your childhood was blue. Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due. The cards in the store Were just too full of sex, But I thought, "What the hell." Love, Oedipus Rex You stood up to my father's kin, their many threats of extortion. Thanks for having me, Mother Dear, instead of an abortion. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card, Is a question that you may find hard: If Dad went astray, If he left, as you say, Who's that buried in the back yard? For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother: Congrats to you, my almost-Mom, You've nearly won the war... Unlike all the other tramps Dad picks up in the bar! I think of you, dear Mother, as I'm in my cell, alone, And miss the way you always made our crack house a crack home. You probably won't even listen, You may still think, "How *could* he?" But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un. Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody. Important Information For Chicks: 1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life. 2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories. 3) A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away. 4) Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill. 5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. 6) Intercourse prevents divorce. 7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells. 8) Sex eliminates headaches. 9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard," triples your chances of getting into heaven. 10) Inviting a hot chick friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday. Q: What do you call a lesbian that just broke up with her girlfriend? A: Homeless. INSULTS: "You must be the world's only living brain donor." "She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard." "Pull your lip over your head and swallow!" "As ugly as a hat full of assholes." "Couldn't organize a fuck in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties." "I've seen better heads in a piss trough." "She's as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp." "He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle." "I wish his dad had settled for a blow job." "If I had a head like yours, I'd circumcise it." Euphemisms for a Period: Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara Trolling for Vampires A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy Saddling Old Rusty Feelin' Menstru-riffic! Clean-Up in Aisle One Massacre at the Y T-Minus 9 Months and Holding Game Day for the Crimson Tide Panty Shields Up, Captain! Taking Carrie to the Prom Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band Ordering l'Omelette Rouge Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System Aunt Floe is visiting Q: What does a lesbian take to a second date? A: A moving truck. The young couple are on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for awhile." "We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?" "Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Now roll over." A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says,"Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?" The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will fuck *anything!* Cowboys will fuck sheep, they'll fuck cattle, they'll fuck dogs, they'll fuck lizards, they'll fuck chickens..." Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks, " *Chickens?* " Q: How are men and batteries different? A: Batteries have a positive side. Q: Who's the best date to bring on a picnic? A: One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained. There once was a young priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and after dining in the restaurant he invited the waitress named Julie up to his room for drinks. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's OK," he replied, "It's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the Bible it says it's OK. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser and opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil - "Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!" Two old women met for coffee downtown one afternoon. "Did you come on the bus?" asked the first. "Yes," said the second, "but I made it look like an asthma attack." "My boyfriend is going to die of syphilis," said the angry chick to her friend. "No," her friend replied, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." "They do when they give it to me!" Q: What is the only time a chick should fake an orgasm? A: When she has a Pitbull humping her leg. Q: What's blue and comes in Brownies? A: Cub Scouts. Q: Did you hear about the first certified death from an overdose of Viagra? A: A man took twelve pills and his wife died. Q: How do you get a 600 pound chick in your bed? A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed. I lost the tavern quiz last night by one question. The one I got wrong is: Where do most women have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer is Africa. A hot chick asked her boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday. "I want a watch." So that night she found another hot chick and let him. Q: Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers? A: Because men have two heads and women have four lips. Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust. If Rock Hudson ate pussy He'd still be with us. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one and go in the other. Q: Who was the first soft-drink maker? A: Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop. Q: Why are faggots such pricks? A: You are what you eat. Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas? Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair. Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone? Your Grandma, dear. Now get in the coffin. Daffynition - Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. Q: How do you keep a hard-on? A: Don't fuck with it. Q: What's the difference between a sheep and a door? A: You can't bang a door in the middle of a field. Q: Why does a man have a clear conscience? A: Because it never gets used. Q: What do UFO's and caring men have in common? A: You keep hearing about them but you never actually see one. Q: How are men like strawberries? A: Because they take such a long time to mature, and by the time they do most are rotten. Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men? A: A wife saying she wants to talk to him. It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than a hypersensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to wash the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider "telling people what they ought to do" to be one of my strong points. Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I've had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them. You know... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But, I did tell her I don't like to be awakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way, she can talk to me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Ron EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip left showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday, Feb 4. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire? A: Bernie. Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs? A: Dog food. Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free. Q: What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A: You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers? A: Burger Queen. Q: What do you get when you give a faggot Alzheimer's? A: A guy who spends all day wondering why his ass hurts. GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half Discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well Developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very Hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently Aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, With a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has Been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, Takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, With a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only Those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual Knowledge visit there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts. An old man looking for oral sex approached his wife with a horny invitation, "How would you like to wrap your teeth around my dick tonight?" The old lady nodded willingly, removed her dentures and said, "Do whatever you want with them, just don't wake me." Q: What is the definition of Gross? A1: When you're sitting on you grandfather's lap he pops a boner. A2: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're eating his corn flakes. Q: What is the definition of "gross"? A: When you ask your grandmother what's for dinner and she sits on your face and says tuna. Q: What's grosser than that? A: When you reply saying, I thought I said hold the mayo! Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Q: Why is a vagina better than an off-the-rack suit? A: One size fits all, and no guy complains if its a little tight. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: Why do women have foreheads? A: So men have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks. Q: What is the definition of suspicious? A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom A middle-aged man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely stone fox behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?" "What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your ass and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your glorious and by now wet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly. But what I came here to do is to buy a new tie." Q. What's the difference between revenge and sweet revenge? A. Fucking your enemy's wife and finding out she's a lousy lay. Q: What is every Amish chick's private fantasy? A: Two Mennonite. Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out. Q: How do you grant a woman freedom of speech? A: Take your dick out of her mouth. Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food? A: Old people's farts. SEXUAL DAFFYNITIONS: Seersucker ... A person who blows clairvoyants. Trampoline ... A sexual lubricant popular with sluts. Douche ... A female duke. Nymphomaniac ... A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot, 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me arsehole, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N." Q: What do red neck girls and bears have in common? A: They both lick their paws. Q: What's the definition of indefinitely? A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely. Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? A: Gladiator. Q: How can you tell if a pussy really stinks? A: A fly lands on it and throws up. Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling. Q: What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common? A: They are both looking for dead beaver. A Irishman, Englishman, and an African are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. "However," he says, "there has been a problem. We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies: "I'll take that one," he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on," says the Doctor, "that's obviously not your son, he's as black as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white." "I know," replies the Irishman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk." My friend set me up on a blind date after my first divorce. Well, he was a friend at the time. Anyway, I called her up and said, "I can't take you anywhere really expensive because I'm paying lawyers for a divorce right now." She was cool. She said, "We can eat at Hardees, eight pieces of chicken and four biscuits for $6.99." She was a husky girl (you know, Russian lady shot-putter). When we got to Hardees, she was moving! I only got two wings out of everything! She wouldn't even butter her biscuits, she would pop a biscuit and then do a butter chaser! I couldn't watch her eat the chicken. She kept getting crumbs in her moustache. She would have gotten it all if her teeth were in. Don't get me wrong, though...I still did her. Q. How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood? A. The church has a bouncer. Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a rabbit? A: A pussy hare. Q: Why do men have assholes?             A: So they won't be total pricks.   Q: What happens when a whore's house catches fire? A: Some come out running and some run out, coming. The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental. Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: She gagged. Q: What is the definition of a menstrual period? A: A bloody waste of fucking time. Q: Why are faggots always so generous? A: They don't know how to be tight-assed. Q: What do you call a female midget who gives excellent head? A: Short, sweet, and to the point. Brent was visiting his doctor complaining of a really painful ass. Upon inspection, the doctor was amazed at the width of the man's asshole and asked him how this had come about. "Well," replied Brent, "I was on safari in Africa and got raped by a huge elephant." The doctor was dumbfounded and said, "I'm no expert on zoology, but I was sure that elephants had long but rather thin penises." "That much may be true," replied Brent, "but the sod fingered me awhile first!" A nun walks out of church one winter day and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks "Billy, Jimmy, what are you doing?" Billy replies, "Oh, Father O'Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after each service." In Arkansas a man was arrested for having sex with a cow. When the man was asked what he was thinking at the time, he said he was thinking about a younger, hotter cow. A guy was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied, "I really miss mine." Q: How can you tell when you're really lonely? A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth. The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love. Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love." "Very good," said the teacher, "anyone else?" Little Johnny stood up and said, "I think love is 'fucking'." The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a apology note from his father. The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?" Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love IS fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cocksucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers." Paul stops by his friend Bill's house. Bill was recovering from an accident at work in which he broke his leg. "How's it going Bill?" He asks. "Oh it's pretty painful but mostly, because of the cast, my circulation is bad in my feet." Bill replied. "It'd be nice if I had my slippers here so I could put them on." "I'll run and get them for you." Paul offered. "Where are they?" "Up stairs, under my bed." Bill explained. Paul, being a loyal friend, runs to fetch the slippers. On the way, he passes a bedroom where Bill's sexy 16 year old identical twin daughters are lying half naked. "Your dad just sent me up here to fuck you two," Paul stated. "We don't believe you." They both replied in unison. Paul then proceeds to yell down the stairs. "Hey Bill! Which one?" "Well both of them," Bill hollers back. "Why waste your time with just one?" Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? A: Sperm is handmade. Husband says: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. Tonight I am going to wear a gold one." Wife says: "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a fucking change." A Redneck is hunting in Arkansas and shoots and kills a deer.  Upon closer examination he realizes that it was a cow.  Going up to the nearest farmhouse, he explains the mistake he has made to the farmer. "My God!" the farmer says, "You done kilt my favorite heifer.She had a pussy just like a woman's!" "Don't worry," the Redneck says, "I'll give you my wife.  She has a pussy like a cow's." Whether a chick fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question, in case they would discover she has been all along, and they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic loser with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, here is a checklist to help you. 1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it. 2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod. 3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Q: Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the    Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who    had practically nothing on? A: When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron. Q: Why did God give women nipples? A: To make suckers out of men. Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: The hot dogs taste like shit. Q: What do you call a pimple on an Italian? A: A grease fitting. Q: Why don't Italians have freckles? A: They all slide off. Q: How does an Italian get into an honest business? A: Usually through the skylight. Q: What works on a female like Viagra? A: Jewelry. Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."   "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. Last month, the Pope and Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive," the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The Speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT. That's about 550 miles from here." "Good grief, is that where the job is?" "No sir. That's where the end of the line of job applicants is right now." Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song? A: "And Then He Touched Me." Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? A: Throw him a buoy. Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new song? A: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles." Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds. Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael? A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom. Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small? A: Because they aren't his. Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster? A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white. Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision? A: Foreplay. Q: What's black and comes in little white cans? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common? A: They both play ball in the Minor League. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan? A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors. Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask... There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say, dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Football b - Baseball c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up. Questions usually along these lines   WOMAN:  Would you get married again? MAN:    Definitely not! WOMAN:  Why not-don't you like being married? MAN:    Of course I do. WOMAN:  Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN:    Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN:  You would?  (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN:  Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN:    Where else would we sleep? WOMAN:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?  MAN:  That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN:  And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN:    She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: ---- silence ----- MAN:     Shit. Q: What do a queer and an ambulance have in common? A: They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo! The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replied, "The stork brings them." The boy, puzzled, then asks, "Then who fucks all the storks?" Bobbitt Family Update In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband that her infamous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with... a Misdewiener! A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The hot nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger, and sucks it. The guy is so heated up he asks; "Do you think I could also get a urine test done?" One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally. I went to the address and requested Sally. Sally took me to a room, stripped down, and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is." After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but you're a bit loose." "Get off for a moment," she instructed. I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates. "Try it now," she said. I did and found it better but she was still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions, and when I tried it again it was perfect. When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?" "Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time, and have developed large venereal warts on one side and deep chancrous wormholes on the other. I just button together or unbutton them together until the fit is just right." Q: Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken? A: It's mother-fucking good! Q: Did you hear about the girl who was both a nymphomaniac and a cannibal? A: Every time she ate a guy, she made sure she got the bone. If girls are made of sugar & spice, how come they all smell like anchovies? Q: What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy? A: Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done. TEN THINGS A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT A WOMAN: 1.  Does she have a "mute" button? 2.  Does she cook? 3.  Does she clean? 4.  Does she wash? 5.  Does she iron? 6.  Does she fuck like a pro? 7.  Are her breasts big enough? 8.  Does she swallow? 9.  Does she swallow? 10. Does she gargle first, and then swallow? A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny, miserable baby who was howling at the top of his lungs and demanded, "Do something about this baby!" After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished.  "He's obviously not getting enough milk," the docor said sternly.  "Is he being breast fed?” "Yes," replied the woman. "Then the milk supply isn't adequate.   Please take your blouse and bra off." The wonderfully endowed woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length. Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could indeed see why there was a problem.  "You aren't producing any milk at all." "Of course not," she responded,"  he's my sister's kid." "Why on earth did you come?"  asked the doctor in amazement. "I didn't," she replied,  "until you started sucking on the second tit." Q: What's the worst thing you can hear from your bride on your wedding night? A: "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away." Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women? A: Because they just don't fucking listen! Q: What do vampires use as snack crackers? A: Scabs. Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle." Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the sensitive, and the vast majority. A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?" His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him." The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day." My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies. Q: What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A: I feel like a kid again! Q: What do blow jobs and flowers have in common? A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions. Snow White & The Seven dwarves - A new version! The seven dwarves always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarves had somehow survived. "Hello...Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing, "Vote Democrat to reduce deficit spending, vote Democrat..." Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive." Q: How can you tell when your getting old? A: When your dreams are dry and your farts are wet. Q: Why does a man always have a clear conscience? A: Because it is unused. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road and they hit it full on. The limo comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "Get the fuck out and check it out - you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving, asshole, so you go and inform the farmer who owns this property!" says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, "After I told him, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky for me, the wife gave me a home cooked meal, and the daughter gave me a blowjob." "What in the hell did you say?" asks Nancy . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow'." Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom? A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. Q: What do blowjobs and flowers have in common? A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions. Q: How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman? A: Because if it were written by a guy, the Prince would've fucked her until midnight and then she would have turned into a pizza. Q: Why were lesbians created? A: So feminoids couldn't reproduce. Q: What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? A: Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Q: Why do women exist? A: Because cows are too big, sheep can't cook, and chickens explode. A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters.. Daughter: I don't know... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair? Real World Child Support Responses When someone applies for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Memphis women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.  Or putting it another way ... Who's yo daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins... child A was fathered by Jim Munson.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he done with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time, well I don't have a clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her husband, what has he obviously done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: What is the hardest thing in the world? A: Putting it in soft. Q: What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A: A bush-hog. This morning, from a cave somewhere in Afghanistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Alibaba Achmed, warned the United States that, if military actions against them continues, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 Managers and Motel 6 Managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL, AT&T and AOL customer service representatives. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more successful candidates for President, either. It's gonna get ugly, people. Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark. SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS: 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor. 3. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. The older you get the better you realize you were. 6. I doubt, therefore I might be. 7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 8. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 9. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 10. Never try to date a psychic. She'll leave before you meet. 11. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 12. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? 13 Technology is a means of manipulating the world so that you don't have to experience it. 14 You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. 15 Never ditch bad friends. Their dysfunction serves to make us feel better about ourselves. A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh. He'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did. "Mommy, Mommy! There's something in Daddy's eye!" "Shut up and eat around it." "Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?" "Shut up and eat your hot dog!" "Mommy, Mommy! What's a lesbian?" "Go ask Daddy, she'll know." "Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?" "Shut up and get back in the oven!" "Mommy, mommy can I lick the bowl?" "No. Flush it!" "Mommy, mommy, why am I walking around in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!" "Mommy, mommy, can I have cookies?" "OK, but wash your hands first." "But mommy, I don't have hands!" "No hands, no cookies!" "Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?" "Shut up and kiss me!" "Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy moaning?" "Shut up and suck harder." "Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?" "Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!" "Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!" "Well throw some more gasoline on him then." "Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?" "Shut up son, you'll wake your father." "Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!" "Shut up or I'll grind your other hand." "Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?" "Shut up and eat your soup before it clots." "Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!" "Shut up, we only have it once a month." "Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?" "Shut up, you know that grandma's leg isn't infected anymore." "Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?" "Shut up and get back in the sack!" "Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?" "Shut up and take your feet out of your pockets." "Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?" "Shut up and unhook my bra." Out Of The Mouths Of Men..... "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no way to reason with an emotion-based being, so I am not even going to waste my time trying." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response that becomes habit after years of nagging. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: See "It's a Guy Thing" above. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had huge boobs." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." The Manliness Test 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. No big concern of yours. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time. C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Scoring Guide: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really have a dick. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!" Q: Why did the leper go back into the shower? A: He forgot his Head and Shoulders. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer Rudolph the red nosed wino, Had a very shiny nose, And if you got too close to him, He would take off his clothes. All of the other winos, Used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any wino games. Then one chilly Christmas Eve, Rudolph froze to death in an alley. The end. White Christmas I'm waiting for a whore's business, But I'm three dollars short on dough. While her earrings glisten, Her pimp will listen, He's hiding close by in a Rolls. I'm waiting for a whore's business, Although I'm shriveled from the cold. She will warm my body, And act real naughty, As well as all the other things she's told. I'm waiting for a whore's business, She's got my money in her fly. Her large breasts are bobbing, Make my dick start throbbing, As I watch her pimp mouth the word "Goodbye." I'm waiting for a whore's business, She has a beautiful dark tan. As she peels off her clothing, I am filled with loathing, And discover that she's really just a man. Why Santa Can't Possibly Be A Man a. Men can't pack a bag. b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. c. Men would feel their masculinity were threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. d. Men don't answer their mail. e. Men would refuse to allow their physiques to be described in terms even remotely resembling "a bowl full of jelly". f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless some chick's wearing them g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. Alcohol warnings; Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gud. The Night Before XXXmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!" Christmas Carols for Psychos Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ... Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate A Redneck "Night Before Christmas" 'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap. The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys? I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!" "Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself. I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit. Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the wife and the kids came to offer their help, Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag. A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin' A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission, A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife, A nice leather strap just for beating the wife. A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice, A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice! An inflatable dollie for when the old hag Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag. When out of the bag I had pulled every bit I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit." Here was my chance to try out my new strap When they started their bawling and screaming and crap. I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew, I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew, With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer, I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!" Another Version A Redneck "Night Before Christmas" 'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back. The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care, With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds, While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads. And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake. Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake. When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard, I opened the winder to check muh T-bird. I ran to the door, like I's on a mission, But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission. The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'. Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'. When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep. With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick! More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name. Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS! On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS! From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins! I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack. Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack. He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog, I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog. He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front, And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt. A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm, And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam. His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey. From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky. A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops. The veins on his face looked ready to pop. The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips. He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly. I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly. He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me. A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head, From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed. He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic, Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics. His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price. He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size. When the presents were gone and he had no more, He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door. He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order "Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!" And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl, "MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!" YEE HAWWWW! Little Johnny to Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school! I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly across the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat sonofabitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even swish into his own house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT SONOFABITCH! Sincerely, Little Johnny Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter Johnny: I KNOW who you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it! If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here! Come blow on this! And the socks...well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those sox would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture! And... that little faggot across the street -- you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his wang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag -- always moanin' and whinin'. Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimney ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all the luck you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are going to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before New Year's. Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad! Good Riddance, Santa Did you know there are five penis sizes? 1. Small 2. Medium 3. Large 4. Holy Shit! and 5. Does that come in white? WORDS OF FATHERLY WISDOM: "I hate paying bills...Son, don't say, "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away." "Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." "You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better? Fine. Forget I said it." "A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face...My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching." "I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit." "Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise, tough shit." “The whole world is fueled by bullshit…What. The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.” "We're out of Grape Nuts...No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said, 'You're out of Grape Nuts.' " "I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more." Q: Why do people make snow men instead of snow women? A: Because it takes too long to hollow out the head. Q: How do we know God is a man? A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate. Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed constantly taking a piss? A: A kidney dialysis machine. KEN AND BARBIE'S LETTERS TO SANTA: (From Barbie) Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your ass? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite); 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring of his, anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct; 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct; 5. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker...for goodness sake! 6. A new, more 2009 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum; 7. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl; 8. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Up yours truly, Barbie Ken's Letter To Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken," "Green Lantern Ken," "Chippendale Ken," "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine. Really sincerely, Ken Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic. A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go. Harry's wife had died, and at the funeral Harry was in a terrible state. He kept crying, yelling, pulling his hair, and wailing. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?" The priest took pity on the poor man and went over to him. "My son," said the priest, "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away and you will find another woman, marry again, and forget about all this in the years to come." "Yeah, Yeah Father, I know all that," Harry sobbed, "But who's gonna cook my dinner and give me a blow job tonight?" Q: What's the difference between a woman who's had a child and a woman who hasn't? A: One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat. Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q: If a straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser, what is a faggot who can't get a date called? A: A poor sucker. Q: What do you call an Arkansan who doesn't fuck his sister? A: An only child. More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms:   The Fountain Of You While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed.) Fur Ball You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat. Gobstopper With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done if you want. Golden Shower Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports. Greek The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or, "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad." Ham And Cheese Sandwich Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite. Hershey Highway When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube. High Dive The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous. The Hindenburg When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool. Hogging While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends. Hotdog In A Hallway When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick. Hot Karl The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can. Hot Karl Candy Cane A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. Hot Lunch The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth. TIGER WOODS' "ACCIDENT" 1. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. 2. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards. 3. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par. 4. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing. 5. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. 6. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver? 7. This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards. 8. Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract. 9. Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife. 10. Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They will be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with." 11. Word that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now has been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the shit out of a Driver. 12. News travels fast. The Red Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger." 13. Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name? Cheetah. 14. Tiger takes no responsibility for his errant drive. Like most professional golfers, he blames his Caddy. 15. Do you know what Tiger has in common with a baby harp seal? They both get clubbed by Norwegians. 16. Did you hear about that course Tiger won't be playing? Intercourse. 17. David Letterman told him to get a woman that was a 10 but Tiger got a nineteen. That is a woman who is a ten plus a nine iron. 18. Tiger is the only golfer I know who can hit a fire hydrant and a tree and still land on the green. 19. What is the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger? Answer - Santa Clause stops after 3 "HOs." 20. Itis near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever correctly answers the questions I ask first can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth Susie says, "Aggressor Abe Lincoln in the Gettysburg Lie." Teacher: "That's right, Susie! You may go home." Johnny is angry that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'Ah Has a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth Mary says, "Mo'fu'n Lucifer Koon, as part of his 'Ah has a dream - white pussih and a Communist takeovah' speech." Teacher: "That's correct Mary, you may go home also." Johnny is even angrier than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth Nancy says, "It obviously couldn't have been the Marxist Obamanation, so probably it was John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is furious that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spins around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. MAY I GO NOW? 21.'Twas the night before Christmas and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin' being chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, 'Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry. He'd been cheatin' on Elin and the story progressed - Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika - the world had the story. From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants he was sending them texts. Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden. And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid." She's not pouting - she's of jolly good cheer; Her prenup made Christmas come early this year! 22. The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However" the clerk explains "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified." Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up," apologizes the Pope. "No problem," replied Tiger Woods. Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven!" Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary!" Tiger: "You're a day late." 23. An Open Letter To Jesse James You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive. But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were fucking that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is some little bastard's mommy. You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault State whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children? I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, stupid, cheating piece of shit that you are: Thank You! You really helped to take the heat off of me. Let's do lunch sometime and compare notes. --Tiger Woods Two Woodpeckers A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The Top 15 Christmastime Reindeer Games 15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter 14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass 13. Spin the Salt Lick 12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers 11. Moose or Dare 10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa fill his Depends 9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo 8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest 7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of an Airline Pilot 6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets" 5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass 4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen 3. Elf Tossing 2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey and the Number 1 Reindeer Game... 1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. TOP 10 VIAGRA SLOGANS: 10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!" 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper 8. Viagra, Like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman! 3. Viagra, Tastes great!...More filling! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra: 1. This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs.  Any questions? Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers? A: Dessert. Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House." America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you is forced to pay for it. Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. PREGNANCY FAQs Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, generally 35 children are enough. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. "Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice. Her mother paled. "And it's all your fault," continued the girl. "My fault!" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life." "Yeah, exactly! And you never taught me how to give a decent blowjob, did you?" A midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a horse at a ranch and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." He shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad as hell at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac? A: A hunting dog sics a duck.