Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.

	A pedophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. 
He says to them kindly, "Girls, I'll give you a sweet each if 
I can touch your hair."
	The two girls look at each other and they say fine. He 
gives them the sweets and strokes their hair.
	"I'll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your 
shoulders."
	The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and 
strokes their shoulders.
	Then he says, "I'll give you two more sweets if I can 
stroke your backs."
	The two girls look at each other and one says to 
the other, "By the time he fucks us, we'll be diabetic."

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.

Q: Why do some women pierce their bellybuttons?
A: A place to hang an air freshener.

		Simple Rules Women Don't Know
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question to which you don't want an answer, 
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just 
like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is an attempt at blackmail. Try it if you must, 
but don't expect it to work on us.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, 
and your Dad probably is too.
17. Just come out and ask for what you want. Subtle 
hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. 
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither your interest nor ours to take any quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ASK us to do something TELL us how you want it
done, never both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q: When do you know you're really ugly?
A: Dogs always hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.

	Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over 
heels in love with her.  But after a couple of weeks Ed of taking 
Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., 
he was convinced that it was true love.  And so....on the last night 
of his vacation the two of them went to dinner and had a serious 
talk about how the relationship would continue. 
	"It's only fair to warn you I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his 
new found lady friend.  "I eat, sleep, and breathe golf, so if that's 
going to be a problem you'd better say so  now!"
	Dorothy took a deep breath and responded:  "Since we're 
being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a 
hooker."
	"I see," Ed replied.  He looked down at the table and was 
quiet for a moment deep in thought then he added, "You know, 
it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when 
you tee off."

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: What does it mean when two lesbians have sex?
A: It don't mean dick.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to 
change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

	I wonder if the guy who invented the vibrator was moved 
to act by ghostly voices chanting . . . "If you build it, they 
will come." 

Q: What pickup line does a lesbian use?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
A: Put a nipple on it. 

Q: How do you find a fat girl’s cunt?
A: You flip through the folds until you smell shit, And then go 
back one.

	A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
	She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, 
I don't care."
	They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs 
when the doorbell rings.
	She says, "Answer the door."
	He says, "But my face is a mess."
	She says, "It's just the mailman. Answer the door, and if 
he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jelly sandwich."
	He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, 
I was eating a jelly sandwich."
	The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jelly on your 
mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Q: How did the john know how many times his favorite whore 
had gotten fucked that night?
A: He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went 
down.

	A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, 
"You've got to stop masturbating!"
	"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
	"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the 
other patients in the waiting room!"

Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
A: It only sleeps in snatches.

	This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he 
says, "This tastes like rice pudding!"
	"That's what all the guys say, but it's really just 
maggots."

Q: Why do men love blow jobs so much?
A: They love all jobs they can lie back and watch a woman do.

Q: Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obamanation?
A: He didn't want to be the worst president ever.

Q: Why does Obamanation believe in evolution?
A: His wife looks like a monkey.

Obamanation: Just what we need, another black man 
in Washington begging for change. 

	Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near 
the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I 
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're 
the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
	"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
	"Liberals, same as you," replied the small Croc.
	"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
	"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by 
the D.C. Capitol."
	"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
	"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for 
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the 
leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
	"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. 
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you 
finish shaking the shit out of a liberal, there's nothing left but 
an asshole and a briefcase."	

Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night 
just so he can fuck some pig.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? 
A: S&M&M. 

Q: What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
A Depends...

	The third grade teacher was teaching her English class. 
She repeated to her students, 
	"Mary had a little lamb, 
	whose fleece was white as snow. 
	And everywhere that Mary went, 
	The lamb was sure to go." 
	The teacher explained that this was an example of poetry, 
but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line 
from, "The lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." 
	A few days later, the teacher asked for an example of 
poetry or prose. 
	Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, 
 	"Mary had a little pig, 
 	An ornery little runt. 
 	He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, 
	And smelled her little..." 
	He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted 
poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. 
	So Johnny continued, "asshole." 

 	Young Johnny is smoking a cigarette, sitting, and 
 being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi 
 chomping on her piece of gum.
 	"Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
 	Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old
 fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your 
gum, I wanna play Slick Willie."
 
 	Little Johnny's father has to come to school to talk 
 to the teacher.
 	Teacher: "Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely 
 nothing at school, he fails in every subject!' 
 	Dad: "Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer." 
 	Teacher: "That's correct. Last week he drew a tiger 
 on the chalk board and the kids were so frightened I 
 couldn't get them to enter the classroom." 
 	Dad: "That's nothing, last month he drew a pussy 
on the stove, I fuckin' burned my dick three times!" 
 
 Things Not To Say To A Father When Dating His Daughter
"Now...show me how you used to spank her."
"Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
"I just got my driver's license today."
"Five bucks says she measures out to a D-cup."
"You taught her to swallow, didn't you?"
"I feel like we both have something in common: she calls 
ME daddy too!"
"Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
"I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me 
mature."
"Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
"So, does your wife just lie there during sex, too?"

	A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen 
and got angry. 
	Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice 
cream away and go play." 
	Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with." 
	Mom: "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" 
	Son: "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and 
lie down on the bed." 
	The mom said OK and went upstairs. The son put on his 
dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went 
upstairs and opened the door 
	Mom: "Now what do I do?" 
	Son: "Get your ass out of bed, you worthless whore, and 
fix our kid some fucking ice cream."

Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A: The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
 
Q: Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A: To be certain that the goat will push back.

Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? 
A: Goes-in-tight! 

	A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of 
chicken soup. "What's this!" he screams. "There's a pussy hair 
in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out.
	The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees 
him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and 
retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. 
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a cunt hair in 
your soup and then come over here and do THIS?"
	He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah! And if I find a 
noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!"

	Sixteen year old Johnny is walking down the street and 
enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices 
a super hot chick working alone behind the counter. He walks 
up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops 
his cock out, and places it on the counter right in front of her.
	"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a CLOCK 
shop!"
	Johnny replied, "I know it is, and I would like two hands 
and a face put on this!"

		BEER VS PUSSY
*A beer is always wet.
*A pussy needs encouragement.
	Advantage: Beer.
*A beer tastes horrible served hot.
*A pussy tastes better served hot.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
*Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
	Advantage: Beer.
*Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
*Pussy does not.
	Advantage: Draw.
*If you get a hair in your teeth from consuming pussy, you 
are not disgusted.
	Advantage: Pussy
*24 beers come in a box.
*A pussy is a box you can come in.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*Too much head makes you mad at the person giving 
you a beer.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
	Advantage: Beer.
*If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may 
get mad.
*If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely 
get mad.
	Advantage: Beer.
*6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
*6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving 
you need.
	Advantage: Pussy
*Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
*Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
	Advantage: Draw
*It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at 
a football game.
*You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a 
football game.
	Advantage: Pussy
*If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get 
a breathalyzer.
*If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to 
get a high five.
	Advantage: Pussy
*With beer, bigger is better.
	Advantage: Beer.
*Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less 
pleasurable.
	Advantage: Beer.
*Pussy can make you see God.
*Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
	Advantage: Pussy
*If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, 
you are normal.
*If you think all day about your next beer, you are an 
alcoholic.
	Advantage: Pussy
*Peeling labels off of beers is kinda fun.
*Peeling panties off of pussy is tremendous fun.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
*If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with 
sexual harassment.
	Advantage: Draw
*If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
*If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down 
like the dog you are.
	Advantage: Beer.
*If you change to another beer, your old brand will 
gladly have you back.
	Advantage: Beer.
*The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once 
you have enjoyed it.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once 
you have enjoyed it.
	Advantage: Beer.
*Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
*Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
	Advantage: Draw
*Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red.
*Good pussy: Almost all but the aforementioned.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*The government taxes beer.
	Advantage: Pussy.
*It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
	Net Advantage: Pussy.

	68 Things Not To Say To A Man Who Is Penis-Impared:
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a night crawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww! There's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27.. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right! A treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works, right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done..
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this problem run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat! I doubt it'll reach my tongue!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?

TOP 10 SIGNS FOR A MOTHER THAT HER SON HAS
GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING:
10. He opens your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on your areola.

Dear Abby,
	I am a thirteen year-old girl. I live in Arkansas, and 
I'm still a virgin. Does this mean that all six of my brothers 
are gay?

	During last night's high winds a Black family were 
killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham 
City Council said, "We didn't even know they were living 
up there." 	

		Sex Quiz For Real Men
1.  In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
	A.  Lovemaking.
	B.  Screwing.
	C.  Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after 
you've both shared:
	A.  Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
	B.  Your blood-test results.
	C.  Five tequila slammers.
3.  You time your orgasm so that:
	A.  Your partner climaxes first.
	B.  You both climax simultaneously.
	C.  You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
	A.  Healthy, creative love-play.
	B.  Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
	C.  Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever 
find out about.
5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had 
sex with is:
	A.  The best part of the experience.
	B.  The second best part of the experience.
	C.  $100 extra.
6.  Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
	A.  Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
	B.  Not a problem, she can join your gym.
	C.  A conservative estimate.
7.  You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
	A.  A myth.
	B.  An oxymoron.
	C.  A moron.
8.  Foreplay is to sex as:
	A.  An appetizer is to entree.
	B.  Primer is to paint.
	C.  A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
	A.  "I hope we can still be friends."
	B.  "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
	C.  "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
	A.  Probably needs a little more time before she can cope 
with that sort of intimacy.
	B.  Is uptight and a waste of time.
	C.  Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Q: What is a KKK guy's favorite car?
A: A Chrysler Crossfire.

Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by 
the KKK?
A: A fagpole.

		Top 10 Sex Positions:
1. The Teabagging:  The all-time classic maneuver of 
tapping your cock on the chick's forehead while she is 
sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase--
"Who's Your daddy?" 
2. The Houdini: Going at it doggy style until you are just 
about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so 
she thinks that you have. When she turns around you 
release the blast is into her face and she is left shocked 
and amazed, wondering how you managed it.  
3. The Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your 
load in the chick's mouth, smack the back of her head, 
and make it come out her nose. When she stands up, 
she'll look like an angry dragon. 
4. The Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch:  The once in a 
lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back 
of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large 
cold bottle of your favorite carbonated drink, making her 
guzzle it down. Then, shaking her head vigorously back 
and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping 
effect. A great way to impress your friends.
5. The Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while 
laying the pipe doggy style, you insert your finger into 
her asshole.You then pull it out and wipe it across her 
upper lip, leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her 
look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez. 
6. The Donkey Punch: Banging a girl doggy style and 
then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in 
her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. 
The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the chick's 
ass, which will constrict around your cock and give 
you a tremendous orgasmic experience as you ejaculate. 
7. The Flaming Amazon: This one's for all you pyromaniacs 
out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when 
you're about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest 
lighter and set her pubes on fire, then extinguish the 
flames with your jizz! Windfall advantage - teaches her 
she should completely shave her pussy.
8. The Flying Camel: My personal favorite. As she is 
lying on her back and you are pounding away at her 
on your knees, you very carefully move forward and 
prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick 
while it is still inserted in her hatchet wound. You then 
proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking 
howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
9. The Screwnicorn: When a dyke puts her strap-on 
dildo on her forehead and proceeds ram into her 
girlfriend like a crazed unicorn. Although this doesn't 
actually involve the guy, we all know how much 
fun it is to watch two lipstick lesbians doing it.
10. The Zombie Mask:  While getting head from your 
favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her 
you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty 
little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just 
when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of 
goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary 
state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as 
she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched 
while moaning like the walking dead.

	Little Susie was walking up the stairs in church one 
day. As the priest was walking by, he looked up and noticed 
that Little Susie was not wearing any panties. He called 
her over and gave her $20 and said, "Little Susie, take 
this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not good 
to walk around without any panties on."
	Little Susie then went home and gave the money 
to her mother and asked her mother to buy panties for 
her.
	When her mother asked where Little Susie got 
the money from, Little Susie explained what happened.
	Upon hearing how Little Susie got the money, her 
mother rushed to her room, whipped off her own panties, 
and put on one of her shortest dresses. Then she ran 
out to the church. As soon as she saw the priest 
coming, she began to walk up the stairs.
	The priest noticed her and called her down.
	Little Susie's mother did not want to show that 
she was expecting anything, so she walked back 
to the priest very calmly.
	The priest then gave her $1 and said, "Take this 
money and for God's sake, buy yourself a razor!"

	Eighteen months ago, my friend upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 
from Drinking Buddies 4.2 which he'd used for years without any 
trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these 
two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 
with the sound turned off.
	To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible 
with several other applications, such as Guys Night Out 3.1, 
Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
	Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware 
beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his 
system forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. 
Eventually, he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the 
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected 
each other, they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
	Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to 
discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He 
did this largely because, while Wife 1.0 uses up all available 
resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and 
Cleanhouse 2000.
	However, my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very 
unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he 
made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and 
could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later.
	Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and 
E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning launch Photostrop 
and Whingezip. These latter products have no help files and 
he has to try to guess the problem himself.
	Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, 
that came with the original system, needs updating regularly, 
requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and 
Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every other week.
	It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted 
to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 
1.0 attaches itself to his BMW M3 program, it often crashes 
or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying 
pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which cannot be turned off.
	Recently, he’s been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but 
there could be problems if Wife 1.0 detects the presence 
of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before 
un-installing itself.
	What can a man do?	

	One Monday morning the mailman is driving the neighborhood 
on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed 
that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by 
Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and 
liquor bottles.
	"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last 
night," the mailman comments.
	Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday 
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday 
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood 
over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so 
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
	The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play 
WHO AM I?"
	"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one 
at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing 
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
	The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
	"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name 
came up seven times."

	An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The 
family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
	After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor 
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he 
said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
	"Oh, Dear God!" cried his wife, her hands clasped 
against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat 
in the family before!"

	A man is sitting at the bar and drinks until he is totally 
hosed. He falls off the chair, crawls out of the bar, and somehow 
manages to reach out his hand and flag down a taxi.
	He crawls into the cab and arrives home. He falls out of 
the cab, crawls all the way to the front door, opens it, crawls 
up the stairs into his bed and falls asleep.
	When he finally wakes up his wife says to him: “Let me 
guess, you got drunk at the bar again, didn't you?”
	“How did you know?”
	“The bartender just called, and told me you forgot your 
wheelchair again.”

	A grandmother complained to her grandson, "The 
young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as 
they were when I was young."
	He responded, "That's because they aren't trying to 
fuck you now, Grandma."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

	Famous French fighter pilot Jean-Pierre Gaulloise was down 
by the river with a young admirer having a dinner. After the dinner 
and small talk she says "Jean-Pierre, kiss me." Jean-pierre opens 
a bottle of wine and splashes some on her face. 
	The woman is shocked and stunned, "why would you do that?"
	Jean-Pierre defiantly responds "I am famous fighter pilot Jean-Pierre
Gaulloise and when I have red meat I have it with red wine." 
	The woman accepts this and they begin kissing. After a few 
minutes the woman says "Jean-Pierre, kiss me lower," and opens her 
blouse. Jean-Pierre opens a different bottle of wine and pours it out 
on her chest. 
	The woman is again taken back by this and asks, "Why would 
you do that? It's not funny."
	Jean-Pierre defiantly responds, "I am famous fighter pilot Jean-Pierre
Gaulloise and when I have white meat I have it with white wine." 
	The woman is somewhat unhappy with this, but is glad to be 
with a celebrity so she let's him continue with her. After a few more, 
minutes she says again, "Jean-pierre, kiss me lower." Jean-Pierre 
then opens a bottle of cognac and pours it out on her lap. The woman 
was expecting this and does not move, but then Jean-Pierre throws 
a lit match on her. Her lap bursts into flames and she runs screaming 
into the river. 
	When she emerges she shouts "What the fuck is wrong with you, 
you sick piece of shit?" 
	Jean-Pierre stands up and defiantly shouts, "I am famous fighter 
pilot Jean-Pierre Gaulloise and when I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

	The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's 
office, asked whether people who live in California think illegal 
immigration is a serious problem:
	29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
	71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." 

	Thor mopes on Mt. Olympus. Zeus asks him why he looks so 
depressed. Thor says that he misses the companionship and love 
of a woman. Zeus tells Thor that he will fix the problem by sending 
Thor down to Earth.
	Thor lands in the backyard of a hot chick who is single. The 
two immediately start having sex and continue all weekend.
	After the weekend, Thor is back at Mt. Olympus with a big 
grin on his face.  Zeus asks Thor the hottie's name, but Thor 
admits that he never asked.
	Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to 
find out her name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls 
out to her, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor."
	She yells, "YOU'RE thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith or thpit!"

	A Pakistani dies and goes to heaven (for real?)
	He goes up to St. Peter.  St. Peter asks him "What do you want?"
	The Paki says he's there for Jesus.
	St. Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus! Your taxi's here!"
	
	I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who 
this morning, called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I were still around.
	We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times 
we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if 
I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old 
magic." 
	"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. 
	"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said. 
"I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last 
saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." 
	She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to 
the challenge." 
	"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline 
that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total 
lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit 
yellowed, and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" 
	She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She 
teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, 
and she was sure I would still be a great lover. 
	Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds 
myself!" 
	At that point I told her to fuck off.

Q: You know the best thing about having a sister who's a hooker?
A: The family discount. 

	Did you know the president's name is really an 
acronym?
	One Big Ass Mistake, America 

	In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a 
new breakfast meal called the Suleman: 
	You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you 
has to pay the bill.

	Doctors' Opinions of the Financial "Bailout"
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on Marxism.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in
Washington.

	My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last:
	1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, 
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
	2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine 
is in NY.
	3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way 
back.
	4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
	"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
	So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
	5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 

	Once Upon a Time...Shrek, Angelina Jolie, and Brad Pitt were 
all having lunch together. Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm 
the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"
	Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous woman 
of them all, but sometimes I wonder."
	Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've 
never had it confirmed."
	They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs 
were true was to ask the famed talking "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall" 
to confirm for them whether Shrek were the strongest, Angelina were 
the most gorgeous, and Brad were the sexiest. They agreed to meet 
again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
	The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The 
mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world." Angelina 
Jolie said she had lifted her face to the mirror and was told she was 
indeed the most  beautiful; a downcast Brad Pitt spoke up and said, 
" Who the hell is Twoey Clarke?"

	A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when 
the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk 
lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it were still alive.
	It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
	He says, "OK, get in the car with it."
	The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
	He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
	"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.
	He says, "Just hold its nose."

		Alternate Ending to The Empire Strikes Back
	**A furious light saber duel is under way. DARTH VADER 
is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. 
A quick move by Vader lops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning 
off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, 
but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.**
	Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened 
to your father."
	Luke: "He told me enough. He told me you killed him!"
	Darth Vader: "No. I AM your father!"
	Luke: "No, it's not true! That's impossible!"
	Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be 
true."
	Luke: "NO!"
	Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? 
You know that brass droid of yours?"
	Luke: "Threepio?"
	Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio. I built him when I was 
seven years old."
	Luke: "No."
	Darth Vader: "Seven years old. And what have you 
done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even 
levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
	Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
	Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I 
single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid 
Control ship!"
	Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."
	Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father 
never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, 
my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!'"
	Luke: "Shut up!"
	Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was 
your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"
	Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's 
Canyon!"
	Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 
years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human 
to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!
	**Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.**
	Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I 
don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
	**Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then 
throws himself down the shaft.**
	**Darth Vader looks after him.**
	Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"
	
		YO MAMA IS SO FAT ---
--when she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
 --when she dances she makes the band skip.
 --when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the 
 doctor gave her 13  years to live.
 --she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
 --her ass has its own congressman.
 --her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
 --when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
 --her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
 --her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
 --the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
 --Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
 --all the restaurants in town have signs that say:  "Maximum 
 Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
 --when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk
 carton.
 --when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
 --she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
 --she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her
 --she could sell shade.
 --when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
 --she gets runs in her jeans.
 --her blood type is Ragu.
 --when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she 
 gets an estimate.
 --if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
 --she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
 --her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

	Roses are red
	violets are blue
	i'm only sending this card
	for some easy sex and
	to get closer to your hot friend
P.S. I want to try anal

	A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to 
the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
	The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became 
impatient.
	"Sir," the usher said, "if you don’t get up from there, I"m going 
to have to call the manager."
	Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who 
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his 
manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager 
returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried 
repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they called 
the police. 
	The cop surveyed the situation briefly. "All right, buddy. 
What's your name?"
	"Sam," the man moaned.
	"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
	"The balcony."

	Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days. Try 
this out.  On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy 
and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal 
thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.  Be very sure you 
get this brand.  
	When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, 
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.  Change 
into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.  
Open the package and remove the thermometer.  Now carefully 
place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped 
or broken.  
	Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box 
and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a 
statement:  "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson 
is personally tested and then sanitized."  	
	Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,  "I am 
so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department 
at Johnson & Johnson."  
	Have a nice day; and remember, there is always someone 
else with a job that is more of a pain in the ass than yours!

	One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said 
to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 
'Slim Fast.' Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
	His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply 
couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning 
the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 
	"What the fuck is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" 
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
	"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put 
talcum powder in my underwear?"
	She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder; it's 
'Miracle Grow!'"
	Guys just never learn, do not tick off the chick.

		Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
1.    BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2.    FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3.    KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4.    AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5.    STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6.    TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.    IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8.    DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.    QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10.   DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
	WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, 
AND TEE OFF. 

	A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.  "What are you doing?" 
she asked.
	"Hunting Flies," he responded.
	"Oh..Killing any?" she asked.
	"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
	Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
	He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on 
the phone. 

Meet slut in a bar, doing shooters of tequila. $15.00
Picking her up off floor                                        $0.00
Promising to take her home                               $0.00
Getting to her place, and she's on the rag        $0.00
Finding out that she takes it in the ass, and loves to swallow?
Priceless! Fuck Mastercard!

	This week we celebrate a special birthday:  Monica 
Lewinsky turns 44.
	Can you believe it?  It seems like only yesterday that 
she was crawling around the Clinton White House on her 
hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
	They grow up so fast, don't they?

	A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in 
bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him 
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He 
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
	She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a 
sip of his coffee.
	"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down 
here at this time of night?"
	The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 
20 years ago when we first started having sex, and you were 
only 16?" he asks solemnly.
	"Yes, I do," she replies.
	"Do you remember when your father, the local policeman, 
caught us in the back seat of my car and I was fucking the shit 
out of you?"
	"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a 
chair beside him.
	The husband continues, "Do you remember when he 
shoved his gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my 
daughter, or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?'"
	"Gosh yes, I remember that too," she replies softly.
	He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would 
have gotten out today."

	My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she 
took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair 
in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
	The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted 
to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get 
some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a 
month.
	The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" 
hair remover. 
	At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to 
use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." 
	The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
	The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't 
shave for a couple of days." 
	The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you 
must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
	The druggist says: "Well, then stay off your stationary 
bicycle for a week."

	Ben and Jerry's is coming out with an new ice cream in 
honor of the Marxist messiah who was just sworn in as our 
44th President.
	It is being churned in Washington DC and appropriately 
named: Baracky Road - half chocolate and half vanilla 
surrounded by fruits and nuts.

	This is tooooooooo weird!
	Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal 
aliens" and add a few more letters,  it actually spells out:
	"Fuck off and go home all you benefit stealing, bastard breeding, 
non English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, 
sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly 
diaper headed bastards with you."
	How weird is that??

        HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "B Hussein Obamanation."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of
'B Hussein Obamanation'?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better? 

	A teacher is teaching a class of 10 year olds."Today 
we're going to have a farmyard quiz. John, what noise does 
a cow make?"
	"Mooo, Miss," comes the reply.
	"Very good. Now, Alison, what noise does a sheep 
make?"
	"Baaaa, Miss."
	"Excellent! Cleotius, what noise does a pig make?"
	"FREEZE, NIGGER!"

Years ago you had to open up a girl's panties to see her 
asshole. These days you have to open up her asshole to 
see her panties. 

	An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old 
tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon 
in town to clear his parched throat. 
	He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to 
the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the 
dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped 
out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other. 
	The young gunslinger looked at the old man and 
laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
	The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 
"No, I never did dance, and just never wanted to."
	A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger 
grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance 
now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old 
prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots
perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot 
skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. 
	When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, 
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go 
back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, 
pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both 
hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried 
clearly through the desert air. 
	The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young 
gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around 
very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd 
watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer 
and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He 
found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never 
wavered in the old man's hands. 
	The old man said, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule's 
ass?"
	The boy bully swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've 
always wanted to."
	There are two lessons for us all here: 
		1. Don't waste ammunition. 
		2. Don't mess with old men. 
	I just love a story with a happy ending, Don't you? 

	Two medical students were walking along the street when 
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.  He 
was stiff legged and walking slowly.
	One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor 
old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
	The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are 
apart just as we learned in class."
	Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
	They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way 
you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might 
have.  Could you tell us what it is?"
	The old man said:  "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me
what you two fine medical students think."
	One of the students said:  "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
	The old man said:  "You thought..But you are wrong."
	Then the other student said:  "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong.
	So they asked him:  "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
	The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...But I	was
wrong!"

	A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for 
his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, 
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
	His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club 
before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
	When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd 
like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
	His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and 
says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
	"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We 
share lanes with them."
	A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her 
arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey. Want your usual 
table dance, big boy?"
	Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms 
out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He 
tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have 
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none 
of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling 
him every name in the book. 
	The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you 
picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

	Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging 
A loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants 
pocket.
	Along comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This 
is a good opportunity to say something from the Bible to 
Little Johnny."
	He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see, Little 
Johnny, that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What 
do you have in the other?"
	Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread, Father."

Q: Why did the Chinese lesbian cut short her visit to 
these US and return home?
A: She missed her native tongue.

	There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on 
shutting off all the lights.
	Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She 
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one 
night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down 
and saw her husband was holding an inanimate pleasure 
device...a dildo! Semi-rigid, wonderful, and larger than the 
real thing.
	She went completely ballistic. "You impotent pig!" She 
screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these 
years? You'd better explain yourself!"
	The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly 
says, "I can explain the toy if you can explain the kids."

	A teenage boy was sitting on a park bench and 
ate one candy bar after another, until he had consumed 
a total of six.
	An old man, watching him from the bench across 
the sidewalk said, "Sonny, don't you know all that 
candy isn't good for you?  It will make you fat, rot your 
teeth, and give you acne."
	"I had a grandfather who lived to be 104 years 
old," replied the boy.
	"Did he get to be that old because he ate 6 
candy bars at one sitting?"
	"No.  Because he minded his own fucking 
business."

	There was a family gathering, with all generations around 
the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into 
Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself 
because he had to go to the bathroom.
	When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
	"What happened, Grandpa?" he was asked by his 
concerned children.
	"Well," he answered, "I don't really know.  I had to go to 
the bathroom.  So I took it out and started to pee, but then I 
saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!" 

	"I know this is just a formality," said the college 
student to the father of his girlfriend, "but I need to 
ask you for your daughter's hand."
	"Where did you get the idea that that is a 
mere formality?"
	"From our Lamaze instructor."

Daffynition: Inigguration - the act of swearing in a black 
man as president. 

A "HISTORICAL EVENT"...that's all I keep hearing. I don't 
see what the big deal is!  It happens every day...January 20, 2009, 
when just another black family moved into government housing.

	A priest was giving a class to a group of teenage 
boys, and said, "The Golden Rule is, Love thy neighbor 
as thyself."
	"Huh?" exclaimed one boy, "I'm supposed to 
jerk him off, too?"

Q: Where do you send a Jewish kid with Attention Deficit Disorder?
A: To a concentration camp.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that 
comes from bad judgment.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian 
because I hate plants.

	A guy who suffered from multiple personality disorder 
went to a shrink and said, "Hey, Doc, I think one of my 
personalities is gay."
	"Does this cause you some kind of discomfort?"
	"Hell, yes.  It's a pain in the ass!"

	A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one 
morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag 
tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had some 
not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked,
"Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?" 
	Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it 
means "To Our Teacher." 
	The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and
prettier apple than the day before. This time there is 
a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. 
	She asks for an explanation for this note and 
little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means 
'To Our Teacher With Love'."
	The next morning she arrives to find a great big 
watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying 
"F.U.C.K." 
	Her jaw drops and she screams, "Who can
explain this?"
	Little Cleotius in the back row raises his hand 
and says, "That means, 'From Us Colored Kids'." 

Q: What is the main difference between wives and husbands 
who are trying to have a baby?
A: Wives want to video tape the birth process.  Husbands 
want to video tape the conception process.

	From a county where drunk driving is considered a 
sport comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol 
parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the 
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated 
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the 
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. 
After what seemed an eternity, during which he tried his keys 
in five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own 
car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number 
of other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally he started 
the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine on 
the dry summer night-- flicked the turn signals on and off a 
couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the 
headlights.   He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, 
reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more 
minutes as some more of the other bar patrons left in their 
vehicles. At last when he was the only car remaining in the 
parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  
	The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, 
now started up his patrol car, turned on the flashing lights, 
promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer 
test.   To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no 
evidence that the driver had consumed any alcohol at all! 
	Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to 
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer 
equipment must be broken."  
	"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight 
I'm the designated decoy."

	A little old lady is walking down the street dragging 
two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the 
bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out 
onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, 
and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your 
bag."
	"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better 
go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me"
	"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you 
get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
	"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back 
yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On 
game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the
fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the 
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy 
sticks his dick through the fence, I say, "$20 or off 
it comes."
	"Hey, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. 
"Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
	"Well, you know," says the little old lady, "not 
everybody pays."

		A GUY FAIRY TALE:
	Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" 
	The girl said, "NO!" 
	And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles 
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot, watched porn, 
ate pork rinds, drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up 
and farted whenever he wanted to.
THE END 

	A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon 
a grandfather and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson 
at every turn.  It's obvious Gramps has his hands full 
with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, 
cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit cereal and soda. 
	Meanwhile Gramps is working his way around saying in 
a controlled voice, "Easy Albert. We won't be long -- easy 
boy."Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, 
"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be 
outta here -- hang in there." At the checkout the little terror 
is throwing items out of the cart and Gramps again, in a 
controlled voice, is saying, "Albert, Albert relax, buddy, 
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.  Stay cool,
Albert."
	Very impressed, the woman goes outside where 
Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 
"You know, sir,  it's none of my business, but you were 
amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.  That whole 
time you kept your composure and no matter how loud 
and disruptive he got you just calmly kept saying things 
would be okay.  Albert is very lucky to have you for his 
grandpa."
	"Thanks, lady," said Gramps. "But I'm Albert -- the 
little fucking bastard's name is Johnny."

	Two old guys one 80 and one 87 were sitting on their usual 
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his 
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
	The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and 
asked him what he did  to have so much energy.
	The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It 
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina 
with the ladies."
	So on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. 
As he was looking around, the sales chick asked if he needed 
any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
	She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like 
some?"
	He answered, "I want five loaves."
	"My goodness! Five loaves... by the time you get to the 
fifth loaf it'll be hard."
	He replied, "I can't believe it! Everybody in the world 
knows about this shit but me."

WHEN HALLMARK GREETING CARD WRITERS TAKE A 
BREAK FROM WRITING OBAMANATION'S SPEECHES:
	My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.  When I 
looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
	Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. 
But don't fret about her... she moved in with me.
	Looking back over the years that we've been 
together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was 
I thinking?"
	Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad 
no one likes your husband.
	How could two people as beautiful as you have 
such an ugly baby?
	I'd always wanted to have someone to hold, 
someone to love. After having met you... I've changed 
my mind.
	I must admit you brought Religion into my life. I 
never believed in Hell until I met you.
	As the days go by I think of how lucky I am... That 
you're not here to ruin it for me.
	Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go 
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll 
probably need it again.
	Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in 
Arkansas, Tennessee,  Kentucky, and West Virginia.)
	Happy birthday! You look great for your age. 
Almost Lifelike!
	When we were together you always said you'd 
die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time 
you kept your promise.
	We have been friends for a very long time... let's 
say we stop?
	Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Did 
you ever figure out who the father was?
	Your friends and I wanted to do something special 
for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
	So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day. 
Look on the bright side--it's really good pay!

Q: What do your doctor and your girlfriend have in common?
A: They're the two best people to call when you have an
erection that won't go away.

	Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude 
in their February issue. Michelle Obama got a similar offer...
from National Geographic.

	A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to 
see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
	"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? 
Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
	Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red 
suit's got lard and chili sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. 
His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he 
doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
	"Well," Santa says at last, "The business has gone 
belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the 
toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the 
elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our 
competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side 
and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The 
receivers came in, asset-stripped the business, and 
we went into liquidation."
	"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of 
takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
	"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan 
smile. "Well, enough of me and my woes. What can 
I get you?"
	The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

	A father and son are in the shower together.
	Son says, "Dad, why is your penis different from 
mine?"
	Father says, "Because yours isn't erect, son." 

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. 

Q: Did you hear about the new Obamanation Christmas drink?
A  It's a mixture of watermelon juice and vodka. It's called a nignog.

	Chicago Police today reported finding a John Doe 
male body in the Chicago River. The victim apparently 
drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption.
	He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter 
belt, a strap-on dildo, stiletto ankle-strap 5-inch heels, 
and an Obama T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed 
up his ass.
	The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt 
to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.

	"All right, lady," said the bill collector  "how about the next 
installment on that couch?"
	The hot chick shrugged, "Better than having to give you 
money, I guess."

Q: What's best about having sex with twenty nine year olds?
A: There's twenty of them!
 
	Any chick who believes that the way to a man's heart 
is through his stomach is aiming a little high.
 
 The three stages of life:
 	1. You believe in Santa Claus.
 	2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
	3. You are Santa Claus.
 
 		TRUE STORY:
 	 The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a
 Nativity Scene in the US Capital this Christmas season.
 This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not
 been able to find Three Wise Men in Washington, D.C.,
 nor could they find a virgin. There was no problem, 
 however, locating enough asses to fill the stable.

Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because he heard that the snowblower was coming down 
his street.

Q: What's the difference between a Christmas tree 
and a wife?
A: The Christmas tree looks good with the lights on.

	While shopping for vacation clothes my husband and I 
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten 
years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying 
a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 
	"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or 
an all-in-one?"
	"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all 
in one." 
	He's still in intensive care.  

	"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," 
the Divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give 
your wife $775 a week."
	"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. 
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks 
myself."

	I went to see a urologist the other day. Turned out to 
be a female. Best looking woman I ever saw...truly sexy.
She told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked why.
	She said, "Because I am trying to give you an 
examination!"

	 A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, 
where did my intelligence come from?" 
	The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it 
from your mother 'cause I still have mine."

	STUDENT ANSWERS TO TEACHER QUESTIONS:
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

	A 55 year old woman went to her doctor and asked 
him for a prescription for birth control pills.  "What for?" 
he asked. "A woman your age doesn't need birth control 
pills."
	"They help me sleep better," she answered.
	"I guarantee you that birth control pills have no 
tranquilizing agent in them whatsoever," the doctor 
answered.
	"Maybe they don't," she retorted, "but every night 
when my daughter goes out I give her birth control pills, 
and I sleep much, much better."

	Saturday morning I got up early dressed quietly made my 
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook 
the boat up to my pickup truck and proceeded to back out into 
a torrential down pour: The wind was blowing 50 mph.
	I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio and 
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 
I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back 
into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different 
anticipation and whispered "The weather out there is terrible." 
	My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid 
husband is out fishing in that crap?" 
	I still don't know to this day if she were joking, but I have 
quit fishing.

	The Arkansan is whipping and slapping his sheep when 
the local minister comes walking around the corner.
	The minister says, "My, fellow Arkansan, you're certainly 
giving that sheep a beating.  You wouldn't do that to your mother, 
would you?"
	The Arkansan says, "I would if she farted and jumped 
sideways every time I tried to fuck her in the ass!"

	Two English businessmen in London were sitting 
down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, 
the store wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.  
	One said to the other "I bet any minute now some 
idiot tourist is going to walk by. put his face to the 
window, and ask what we're selling."  
	No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, 
sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, 
had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What 
might  ye be sellin' here?"  
	One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're 
selling assholes."  
	Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 
"You are doing well...only two  left!"  
	Englishmen - God bless them - should not 
mess with the Irish. 

	A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of 
Viagra, but his request was denied.
	"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. 
	"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
	"But I need it really badly," the man explained. "My 
girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes 
will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home 
on Sunday."
	"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But 
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can 
check to see if there are any side effects."
	On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's 
office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 
"What happened to you?"
	The man said, "No one showed up."

	A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since 
he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private 
investigator he decided to go with a much cheaper one, a 
Chinese man named Chen Lee.
	The following day he received this report:  Most honorable 
sir: You leave house.  I watch house.  He come to house.  I 
watch. He and she leave house.  I follow.  He and she go in 
hotel.  I climb tree.  I look in window.  He kiss she. She kiss 
he. He strip she. She strip he.  He play with she. She play 
with he.  I play with me.  I fall off tree.  I not see.  No fee.  
Chen Lee.

	It's that time of year in America. The weather reports 
are filled with winter storm warnings and good winter driving 
tips. It's time for me to relate why driving on icy roads, and 
having sex doggie style, are closely related.
	It only takes one slip, and you can fuck up some chick's 
rear end.

		ONE FOR THE CHICKS:
Telling your husband you're going out for the night with the 'Girls'… $0.00
Red Leather Jacket for night out with the 'Girls'… $200.00
Car wash and Wax… $20.00
Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the 'Girls'… $150.00
Having your husband open the Mailed Radar Photo citation, and seeing you
with another man's dick in your mouth… PRICELESS!

	In response to B Hussein Obamanation's complaint 
that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic 
people on their network, FOX has announced that they 
will now air America's Most Wanted TWICE a  week.

	A guy is driving around the backwoods of Tennessee when 
he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 
"Talking Dog for Sale."
	He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the 
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and 
sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.  "You talk?" 
he asks.
	"Yep" the lab replies.
	After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog 
talk, he says, "So what's your story?"
	The Lab looks up and says, "Well I discovered that I 
could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the 
government, so I told the CIA, and they had me sworn into 
the toughest branch of the armed services...the United 
States Marines.  You know, one of their nicknames is, 
'The Devil Dogs.' In no time at all they had me jetting from 
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world 
leaders, because no one ever figured a dog would be 
eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies 
for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired 
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. 
	"So I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Corps 
(8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job 
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering 
near suspicious characters, and listening in.  I uncovered 
some incredible drug dealings and terrorist plots, and was 
awarded a batch of medals. 
	"I got married had a mess of puppies and now I'm 
just retired."
	The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the 
owner what he wants for the dog.	
	"Ten dollars," the guy says.
	"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth 
are you selling him so cheap?" 
	"Because he's such a bullshitter...He never did 
any of that stuff.  He was in the Air Force!"

	Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is going 
to show there is no animosity about losing the election. She's 
invited both B Hussein Obamanation and Plagiarist Joe Over- 
Biden on a moose hunting trip. She's already lined up Dick 
Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them 
to their cabins after the prehunt party.

Q: Why do Sicilians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Because Sicilians hate all witnesses.

	The husband had just finished reading a new book, 
entitled "You Can Be the MAN Of Your House." He stormed 
to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on you 
need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word 
is Law. 
	You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when 
I'm finished eating my meal you will serve me a sumptuous 
dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me 
and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you 
are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash 
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.  Then you 
will massage my feet and hands.  Then tomorrow, guess 
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
	The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would 
be my first guess."

	A recent study found that the average American walks 
about 900 miles a year.  Another study found that Americans 
drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means 
that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. 
	Makes you proud to be an American!

	A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, 
puts him in the freezer to cool off.
	Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot is 
sweating.
	"How come you are sweating?" he asks. 
	The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open 
the legs of a frozen chicken?"

			International Council Of Manhood
				Rules of Being a Man
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
	(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
	(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
	(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
	(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be 
legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail 
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is 
off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge 
is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature 
is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present 
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's 
birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate 
at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, 
not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when 
you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a 
topless model and then only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are 
you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. 
Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't 
see anything.
14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must 
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge 
of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other 
sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last 
slice of pizza, but not both.  That's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better 
be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man 
while lifting weights:
	a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
	b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
	c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you 
want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know 
what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating 
or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, 
but do you really know the difference between them? 
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each 
is listed below:
	"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out 
with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a 
broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
	"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out 
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick 
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"
	I hope this clears up any confusion,
		--The International Council of Manhood

		- SOME JOKES FOR THE CHICKS -
	"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he 
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what would the neighbors 
think if I mowed the lawn like this?" 
	"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. 
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, rich, and 
sensitive man? 
A: A rumor. 
	A man and his wife now in their 60"s were celebrating their 40th 
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy (not like the 
bad ones from San Francisco) came to them and said that because 
they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. 
	The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. 
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! 
Immediately he turned 90. Gotta love that fairy! 
	Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to 
forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray 
for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN 
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for 
breath and calling your name? 
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the email folder: "Instruction Manuals."


	NEW TV SERIES - "THE MALCOLM X FILES"
	FBI special agents Dwana Shamballa (Whoopie 
Goldberg) and Pit Bulldog (Spike Lee) get up to their 
necks each week in bizarre troubles investigating Pit 
Bulldog's belief that aliens are responsible for the 
mysterious assassination of Black Islamofascism 
icon Malcolm Little, that cat-burgling, commie pimp.
	Their trail keeps leading to evidence that one 
man, a former Calypso singer turned insane racist, 
Louis Farrakhan (Danny Glover) is not merely 
behind this mystery, but is in fact the leader of an 
extra-dimensional alien invasion plotting the overthrow 
of reality-based education and English language skills.
	In the pilot episode, Bulldog is almost successful 
in convincing Shamballa that there really were a million 
men at the Million Monkey Knuckledrag, but 800,000 
of them did not show up on the cameras (even when 
focusing on the trees). The plot takes a surprising turn 
when FBI Director Skinhead (Phil McGraw) teams 
up with Pit's arch rival Agent Dogbone (Terry Kiser) 
to throw a wet blanket on the remains of the mysterious 
"Smoking Man" (Richard Pryor).

-CHILDREN IMITATE "DEEP THOUGHTS" BY JACK HANDEY-
	I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, 
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come 
on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? 
--Age 15
	Give me the strength to change the things I can, the 
grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag 
of money. --Age 13
	It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's 
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would 
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or 
December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
	Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about 
letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
	Home is where the house is. --Age 6
	I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a 
singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember 
it's because he sucks.  --Age 15
	For centuries, people thought the moon was made of 
green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is 
really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when 
you leave it out. --Age 6
	My young brother asked me what happens after we die. 
I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat 
our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most 
of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. 
--Age 10
	I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to 
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, 
I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the 
national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the 
constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the 
country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him 
a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found 
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They 
gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting 
farts. --Age 15
	When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  
But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5
	I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. 
I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that 
is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. 
As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, 
and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a 
big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
	I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that 
I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because 
I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't 
have a sense of humor. --Age 14
	Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and 
thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an 
unlisted number. --Age 15
	It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile 
got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good 
because if anyone needed it, the blood would be 
right there. --Age 5
	The only stupid question is the one that is never 
asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about 
time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally 
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was 
speeding?"--Age 15
	Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came 
upon a man who had no feet.  So I took his shoes. 
I mean, its not like he really needed them, right? 
--Age 15
	If we could just get everyone to close their 
eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, 
imagine how serene and quiet it would be 
until the looting started. --Age 15

	A man was boarding his plane to return home 
for the Christmas holidays when he overheard another 
passenger say into his cellphone, "Goodbye.  And 
your wife was a great lay!"
	"Holy shit!"  said the first man after the second 
had hung up.  "Did I just overhear you correctly to 
tell another guy that his wife was a great lay?"
	"It wasn't really true," the second man shrugged, 
"but I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

	No matter what this husband did in bed, the Jew's 
wife never achieved an orgasm.
	Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual 
pleasure, they decide to consult with their Rabbi.
	The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, 
and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping 
young man. While the two of you are making love, 
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will 
help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
	They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. 
They hire a very handsome young man and he waves 
a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go 
back to the Rabbi.
	"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. 
Have the young man make love to your wife and you 
wave the towel over them."
	Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. 
They go home and hire the same strapping young 
man.
	The young man gets into bed with the wife and 
the husband waves the towel over them.
	The young man gets to work with great vigor, 
and soon she has an enormous, earth-shaking, 
ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
	The husband smiles, looks at the young man 
(who is also smiling), and says to him triumphantly,
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave 
a towel!"

	An older gentleman walked in to an upscale jewelry 
one store Friday evening with a hot young chick in tow.  
He told the jeweler that he was looking for a very nice 
Christmas present for her.
	The jeweler brought out a $40,000 diamond ring 
to show them.
	The girl's eyes lit up and he whole body literally 
trembled with anticipation.  Seeing this, the gent said, 
"I'll write you a check for it right now, and when the 
check clears the bank on Monday, I'll be back to 
pick it up."
	On Monday, the jeweler called the man and said, 
"Your check bounced!"
	"I know," he replied, "but let me tell you all 
about my weekend!"

	A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 
"Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 
'realistically'?"
	The father thought for a moment, then answered 
	"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad 
Pitt for a million dollars.Then ask your sister if she would 
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. then ask your 
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. 
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
	So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would 
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" 
	The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could 
really use that money to fix up the house and send you 
kids to a great University!"
	The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would 
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
	The girl replied "Oh my God! I  LOVE  Brad Pitt!  I 
would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?"
	The boy then went to his brother and asked, 
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a  million dollars?"
	"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know 
how much a million bucks would buy?"
	The boy pondered the answers for a few days 
then went back to his dad..His father asked him, "Did 
you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 
'realistically'?"
	The boy replied, "Yes...potentially, you and I are 
sitting on three million dollars...but realistically, we're 
living with two whores and a queer."

	A Swedish couple,  an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple 
are out playing golf. First the Swede's wife steps up to the tee, 
and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows 
her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
	"Good GOD woman!  Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" 
Olaf demanded.
	"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to 
afford any."
	The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and 
says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy 
yourself some underwear."
	Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on 
the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is 
wearing no undies.
	"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! 
Why not?"
	She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give 
me."
	Mick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the 
sake of decency - here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some 
underwear!"
	Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind 
also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, 
is naked under it.
	"Sweet mudder of Jaysus Aggie!  Where the frig are 
yer drawers?"
	She too explains, "You din na give me enough money 
ta be able ta affarrd any."
	The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, 
fer the love o' decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

	A mother had three virgin daughters and they were all 
getting married within a short time period. Because Mom 
was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, 
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
	The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the 
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was 
puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the 
Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
	Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
	The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week 
after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." 
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, 
and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. 
King Size."
	Mom was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for 
her daughter.
	The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. 
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and 
still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British 
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, 
flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally 
found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven 
days a week, both ways."
	Mom fainted.

 	When I was growing up, my father instilled in me 
 three basic values. I live by these values still today:
 	1) There is no free lunch. (It's never free. Someone 
 eventually pays for it, and it's probably going to be 
 you in the long run.)
 	2) If you don't work, you don't eat. (Learn to be 
 self-reliant. Work hard and diligently, and you will 
 reap the rewards eventually.)
 	3) Never ever marry a woman with large hands. 
(They make your dick look small by comparison.)
 
 	It seems that some patients needing blood 
 transfusions may benefit greatly from receiving 
 Chicken Blood rather than Human Blood. It tends 
 to make the Men Cocky and the Women Lay Better.

10 Ethiopians: 5 have diarrhea, 5 have spoons. 

	Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He 
didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," 
his friend replied, while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out 
a 12 inch Bic lighter.
	"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
	"I got it from my genie."
	"You have a genie?"
	"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
	"Could I see him?"
	He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks 
the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant 
me one wish?"
	"Yes I will," the genie replies.
	The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
	The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him 
standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky 
begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying 
overhead is heard.
	The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million 
bucks, not a million ducks!"
	He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of 
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

		Subject: Home Depot Scam
	Be Careful - A "heads up" for regular Home Depot 
customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a 
clever scam while shopping there. Simply going out to get 
supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be 
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your 
buddies.
	Here's how the scam works: Two very hot large-
breasted 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car 
as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They each 
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex 
as their breasts almost fall out of their skimpy halter 
tops. It is impossible not to stare.
	When you thank them and offer them a tip they 
say "No," and they ask you instead for a ride to Lowes. 
You agree, and they get in the backseat. On the way, 
they start stripping, slowly and sensuously. Then one 
of them climbs over into the front seat and starts giving 
you the blowjob of your life, while the other one steals 
your wallet from your now-removed pants.
	I had my wallet stolen: April 4th, 9th, 10th, and 
twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also in 
May: on the 1st and 4th; twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 
26th, 30th; three times last Saturday and very likely 
again this upcoming weekend.
	So tell your friends to be careful. Also, be advised 
that Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.

	An attorney arrived home late after a very tough 
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who 
was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His 
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had 
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 
	As soon as he walked through the door at home 
his wife started on him about, "What time of night to 
be getting home is this? Where have you been?'' 
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." and on and 
on and on. 
	Too shattered to play his usual role in this 
familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot 
of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in 
the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic 
remarks as he dragged  himself up the stairs.  
	While he was in the bath the phone rang. The 
wife answered and was told that her husband's 
client, James Wright, had been granted a stay 
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged 
tonight. 
	Finally realizing what a terrible day he must 
have had she decided to go upstairs and give him 
the good news.As she opened the bathroom door 
she was greeted by the sight of her husband bent 
over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not 
hanging Wright tonight," she said. 
	To which he whirled around and screamed, 
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN!  DON'T 
YOU EVER STOP!"

	This is why women should not take men shopping against 
their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired Mrs. Fenton insisted 
her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, 
Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he found shopping boring and 
preferred to get in, get it over with, and get out. Equally unfortunately,
Mrs. Fenton was like most women -- she loved to browse. 
	One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her 
local Wal-Mart: 
	Dear Mrs. Fenton
	Over the past six months your husband has been causing 
quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior 
and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints 
against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our 
video surveillance cameras.
		1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly 
put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
		2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go 
off at 5 minute intervals.
		3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading 
to the women's restroom.
		4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in 
an official-sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares! Get on it 
right away!"
		5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to 
put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
		6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" 
sign to a carpeted area.
	7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department 
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring 
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
	8. September 23: When a clerk asked if he could help 
him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people 
just leave me alone?"
	9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and 
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
		10. November 10: While handling guns in the 
hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-
depressants were.
		11. December 3: Darted around the store 
suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" 
theme song.
		12. December 6: In the auto department he practiced 
his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
		13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when 
people browsed through yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
		14. December 21: When an announcement came 
over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and 
screamed "OH NO!  IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
		And last but not least-
		15. December 23: Went into 
a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very 
loudly "Hey!There's no toilet paper in here!"
		Regards, Wal-Mart