25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP: 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you. PRISON VS. WORK IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers. WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY: --- "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no way to translate my logical thinking into your hopeless morass of emotionalistic meaninglessness." --- "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" --- "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. --- "It would take too long to explain." Really means....[Same as #1.] --- "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive really, really fast." --- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." --- "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" --- "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got graphic violence, car chases, and gratuitously naked women." --- "That's women's work." Really means...."You should be doing that, not me." --- "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever fucked, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." --- "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner had a huge rack." --- "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." --- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... [Same as #1.] --- "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" --- "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." --- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you constantly nag me, and realize it could, theoretically, be worse." --- "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." --- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." --- "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up. This is called Division of Labor." --- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? A little kid comes running home and sprints straight to his father and says, "Pop, Pop! Mom just got run over by a bus and got killed!" "Now, son," his father answered, "you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile." A Living Will A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just to let you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. A grizzled, lonely, desperate miner walked into a whorehouse in Nome and announced, "I'm mean, tough, dirty, lonely, and desperate! I want two beers and the meanest, toughest, hardest whore in all the Yukon!" "She works right here!" cheerfully responded the pimp. "Second floor, first door on the right." The miner, carrying his two bottles of beer, eagerly bounded up the stairway, burst into the room indicated, and discovered an Amazon, chewing on a cigar. Immediately she stripped naked, bent over, and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know what position I wanted you in?" he queried. "Don't," she answered. "Just thought ya might like to open up them beers first." A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too." The English teacher had each pupil write then read an essay on how his summer went. One boy began, "Last week, my Daddy fell down our well." "WHAT?" the teacher interrupted. I trust he is alright!" "Must be," the boy replied. "Yesterday he stopped yelling for help." A young man was walking down the street when he observed a ladder reaching so high the top of it was out of sight. So, naturally, he climbed it. As he entered the first cloud layer, he saw an ugly woman who told him, "You have reached a fork in your path," she said. "You can fuck me or climb the ladder to success." That was an easy choice, he thought to himself as he ascended farther. On the next cloud layer he observed an average-looking woman. "You have reached a fork in your path," she said. "You can fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He smiled and ascended again. At the third cloud layer he observed a beautiful woman. "You have reached a fork in your path," she said. "You can fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He climbed higher in eager anticipation of what undoubtedly awaited him on the next cloud layer. But there he observed a huge, fat, ugly guy all covered with body hair. "Who in the flying fuck are you?" he asked. "Hi, there. Name's Cess." Three guys are discussing which part of the woman they most enjoy looking at while they are having sex. "I like looking at her tits," the first one volunteers. "I like looking at her ass," the second one chimes in. "Me?" said the third. "I like looking at the top of her head." "Hello," John said as he answered his phone. "This is Susan," the female voice responded. "We met at a party three months ago." "Hmmm...Susan?" John pondered. "Three months ago?" "Yes. It was at a party at Bill's house. After the party was over, you took me home. You parked and we both crawled into the backseat of your car. Afterwards, you told me I was a good sport." "Oh, Yes! Susan! How are you?" "I am pregnant, and I am going to kill myself." "Say, you really ARE a good sport." Little Kid says to his mother, "Do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?" She answers, "Not usually, but this year they're hanging Glitter." I'VE LEARNED: ...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. ...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. ...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. ...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. ...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. ...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. ...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. ...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. ...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. ...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. ...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. FIVE DRAWBACKS TO BEING A PENIS: 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an asshole. And lastly... 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up then faint. THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. ------------------------------------------------------------- STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------ (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Asshole. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Bitch. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Wanker. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Slut. --------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Get fucked. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Eat shit. -------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. ************************************************************* (Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one. 'Twas the night before Kwanzaa 'Twas the night before Kwanzaa And all through the 'hood, Maulana Karenga was up to no good. He'd tortured a 'hoe and spent time in jail. He needed a new scam that just wouldn't fail. ("So what if I stuck a bitch's toe in a vice? Nobody said revolution was nice!") The Sixties were over. Now what would he do? Why, he went back to school - now he's "Dr." to you! He once ordered shootouts at UCLA Now he teaches nigger studies just miles away. Then to top it all off, the good Doctor's new plan Was to get rid of Christmas and piss off The Man. Karenga invented a fake holiday. He called the thing Kwanzaa. "Hey, what's that you say? "You don't get what's 'black' about Maoist baloney? You say that my festival's totally phony? "Who cares if corn isn't an Africoon crop? Who cares if our harvest's a month or two off? Who cares if Swahili's not our mother tongue? A lie for The Cause never hurt anyone! "Umoja! Ujima! Kujichagulia, too! Collectivist crap never sounded so cool! Those guilty white liberals -- easy to fool. Your kids will now celebrate Kwanzaa in school!" And we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight: "Happy Kwanzaa to all, except if you're white!" DEMOCRATS' CHRISTMAS For Friends of Democrats: "Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect! for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions of deversity to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification, revision, or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting by our Federal Government, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher." REPUBLICANS' CHRISTMAS For Friends Of Republicans: "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" DATING VS. MARRIAGE: 1.When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. 2.When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" 3.When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. 4.When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. 5.When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" 6.When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" 7.When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. 8.When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first. 8.When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. 9.When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. 10.When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job." 11.When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away. 12.When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare. 13.When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (TOOKIE) T'was the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the Crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'. The cyanide hung by the chamber wth care, in hopes that the reaper soon would be there. The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead. And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel. I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion. It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today. When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter. When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer. The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; clutching his books. The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize. The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay. On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters. Then at 3:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle. When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE! I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight! Q: Where do you send Jewish kids who are having trouble in school? A: Concentration camp. YOU MIGHT BE A NIGGER IF: If you use mop and glow as lipstick If you live in a cardboard box but drive a bmw If nothing you own has a serial number If your wardrobe cost more than your house If you think mass confusion means Father's Day If the gold around your neck weighs more than you do If thanksgiving comes to your house at the first of every month If you are on a first name basis with welfare workers If your car sound system costs more that your car If your street clothes are made up of ski masks and knit caps If your uncle is on display at the zoo If you beat up your grandmother for stealing your crack pipe If you walk into your house and get mugged by a roach If you start your car with a screwdriver If your hobbies include spray painting trains If you can't spell the word "big" without the album cover If the only channel your TV gets is the BET If you have stock in coconut perfume If your favorite song is the watermelon crawl If you were the model for the chia head If a midget is taller than your car If you think a saltine cracker is a white man walking on the beach If your only white friend is your parole officer If your shoes have lights but your house doesn't If your shoes have blood on them because the pervious owner would not hold still If you play dodge ball with stray bullets If you refer to your girlfriend as "my hoe" If your first name even confuses hooked on phonics If you get high by licking the glue off of foodstamps If you tell your kids to be good or you'll call their fathers If you can only count to seven by throwing dice If you say you are Afro-American but have never been to Africa If your sex life ends when her 7:oop.m. Curfew begins If Don King is your hero If you think OJ is completely innocent If you refer to your street as the hood If everyone on your street is your cousin If you say Denny's is racist but still eat there If you have one pants leg up and one pants leg down If cell block b is your home away from home If your family started in mississippi around the 1800's If you have a VIP Card at KFC If you can't afford food but own a rolex If you have sex with your clothes on but call it dancing If your late night hangout is ATM machines If you can't fight without the help of your whole family If you love Malcolm X but can only spell his last name If your clothes blend with the jungle If you are not used to windows without bars If the police know your address by heart If your aunt is on a bottle of pancake syrup If your kids nightlight is a cross burning in the front yard If your car is so low that it gets stuck on railroad tracks If you have a beeper but no phone If you stay away from stores that prosecute shoplifters If you carry your comb in your hair If your winter coat was used for moon walks If you go to the zoo to visit your family If you got into college because you outran everyone else If KFC has your phone number If you quit school so you could play more basketall If you play hide and seek at night by not smiling and closing your eyes If you take baby steps because of the chains on your legs If you walk with a limp but your leg is not hurt If you can carry more groceries in your coat than you can in a shopping cart If you look like a sun burned Mr. Clean If the only check you ever see is on your shoes If you don't have a job but own a $200.00 pair of sneakers If you refer to cigars as blunts If you have never had a flat tire but know how to jack a car If you can't leave the house because your ankle will beep If every cop in the station knows your first name If you get greeting cards for the LAPD The Ant & The Grasshopper CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END THE CANADIAN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh? The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are re-assessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribiz company. The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community. THE END A woman accompanied her ailing husband to the doctor for a thorough exam. After, the doctor called her aside and said, "Your husband has terrible stress, and it is causing him cardio-vascular ramifications which will surely lead to his premature death unless you follow several careful steps." "What are they?" she asked. On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .357 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting ... is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?" Little Susie came home from public school and asked her mother, "Where did Little Billy next door come from?" "The stork brought him, dear." "Oh. Where did the twins on the corner come from?" "They were brought by the stork. Two storks, in their case." "Shit!" Little Susie said, "Doesn't anybody in this neighborhood fuck?" For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women get married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States. Daffynition - Fuck-Off: The tie breaker at an all-blonde beauty contest. Q: Why are so many blondes giving up bowling for fucking? A: The balls are lighter and they don't have to change their shoes. "I have some good news for you and some bad news for you. Which would you like first, Mr. Smith?" the doctor asked the male half of a young couple taking their pre-marital physicals from him. "Give me the good news first," the young man said. "Your betrothed has Hepatitis C," the doctor answered. "If that's the bad news, what is the good news?" "She didn't get it from you." Q: How is a blonde like an oven? A: They're both easy to heat up so you can put the meat in. A very young couple were having severe financial difficulties, so the husband told his wife she would have to prostitute herself in order to make ends meet. They proceeded to one of the busiest vice streets in town, and the husband told her to strut up and down and she would lure customers. Furthermore, he said, he would wait around the corner to answer any questions the utterly inexperience bride might have. Sure enough, only five minutes of strutting brought a black man driving up who asked her how much for sex. She quickly ran back to her husband, who told her, "Ask him for $100," which she did. The prospective customer said, "That's too much. How much for just a handjob?" She ran back to her husband for further negotiation. "Ask him for $40," which she did. The customer stripped. When she saw the size of the black guy's dick she excused herself for further feedback. She ran back to her husband and asked, "Can I borrow $60?" A young couple enroute to Vegas to get a quicky marriage are talking in the car. "I have a confession to make, dear," the prospective bride says. "I am extremely flat chested. If you don't want to marry me, I will understand." He ponders and decides that there is more to marriage than sex, and tells her that is fine. Appreciating her sudden outburst of honesty, the prospective groom replies in kind. "I, too, have a confession to make. Below the waist I am just like a baby." She ponders and tells him that there is more to marriage than sex, and tells him that is fine. So after getting married, they enter the bridal chamber to consummate the wedding and she disrobes first. Sure enough, she was telling the exact truth. But when he disrobes she takes one look at him and faints. Some time later he revives her and she says, "I thought you said that below the belt you were just like a baby!" "I am. Eight pounds, twenty-one inches." A stockbroker, on his way home from work, in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hitlery Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade, and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline, and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money, and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 400 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning." A man who has six children, and is exceedingly proud of same, starts calling his wife "Mother of Six," which she promptly informs him pisses her off. They go to a party that night. As it gets late he decides to leave and yells loudly, "Are you ready to go, Mother of Six?" despite her specific request he never say that in public. "Yes, Father of Four!" she answers. There are only eleven times in history where "fuck" has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the fuck do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer, 1876 8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the fuck are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 and a drum roll please... 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." -- Saddamy Hussein, 2003 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong. An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father. Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says, "Fill it with water." Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy? A: (Stick out your tongue.) A cowboy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible plane crash. They found themselves stranded on the prairie. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the mesa every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there atop the mesa, the sheep started looking better and better to the cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the cowboy took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another plane crash. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the cowboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" Sex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn: TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES With her agreement..............................12 cal Without her agreement..........................187 cal TAKING OFF THE BRA With both hands..................................8 cal With one hand...................................12 cal With one hand being slapped.....................37 cal With the mouth..................................85 cal PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection......................................6 cal Without erection.................................315 cal PRELIMINARIES Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal Without caring at all............................0 cal WHEN DOING IT Holding her up...................................12 cal Just on the floor.................................8 cal POSITIONS dad-mom.........................................12 cal 69 lying.........................................8 cal 69 standing up.................................112 cal Caboose........................................216 cal Italian chandelier.............................912 cal HAVING AN ORGASM Real...........................................112 cal Fake...........................................315 cal POST ORGASM Staying in bed....................................18 cal Jumping off the bed...............................36 cal Explaining why she jumped off the bed............816 cal GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION Between 16 and 19 years of age..................12 cal from 20 to 29...................................36 cal from 30 to 39..................................108 cal from 40 to 49..................................324 cal from 50 to 59..................................972 cal over 60.......................................2916 cal PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES Quietly..........................................32 cal Being in a hurry.................................98 cal With her husband opening the door..............1218 cal A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually, they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?" "NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he asks the blonde, "Well, why not?" "Because I want to stay up here with you!" How to Tell the Weather To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." Model Dental Patient The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Hammett turned to his wife. "Show him your tooth, Honey." Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker)confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Sun Flower State. She wanted to taste some real Texas beef, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have the best steaks that I've ever had, there is no steak in the world that could compare. The taste is unbelievable!! And I went to a real rodeo - talk about athletes - these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls - like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!" They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?" "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!" (For those of you who don't get it, she is referring to the round, flat can of chewing tobacco in his back pocket.) An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course, I went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time. We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, sometimes me on top, sometimes her on top." "Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?" "I don't know, I never found her head." Some days make you wonder if you've made bad choices in your life. Especially those days when the FBI shows up and digs in your back yard. A college student wrote a letter home, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But it was too late." A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business." Q: What's white and waltzes? A: Come dancing. Q: What color does a baby turn when you put it in then turn on a microwave oven? A: I don't know either, I was too busy masturbating. Q: How can you tell the difference between a blonde and a prostitute? A: Prostitutes don't drive Ferraris. Q: Why do dogs lick their dicks? A: Because they have no thumbs with which to make a fist. Q: How do you make a cat drink? A: Put it in the blender, then remove the fur. Q: What is the difference between a good blow job and your wife? A: Fifty bucks. Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? A: Wipe it off and tell him you're sorry. After learning that her very elderly grandfather had passed away, the young lady went to visit her 95 year old grandmother and learn what had happened. "He had a heart attack last Sunday morning while we were having sex," she answered. Surprised to hear such a cause, the woman told her grandmother that two near-centenarians should have known what they risked by having sex at that age. "Oh, no," Granny replied. "We realized our limitations years ago. We learned that pacing ourselves carefully to the rhythm of the Sunday churchbells - in on the ding, out on the dong - was not only safe but quite pleasant." "And," Granny continued, wiping a tear from her eye, "Grandpa would still be alive today if that fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along." A college guy met a cute chick who invited him back to her room for sex. He noticed that her room was rife with stuffed animals - on the bookshelves, bed, window sill, everywhere. After doing it, he asked her, "So, how was I?" She pointed to the zoo on her bookshelf and said, "You can take one item off the bottom shelf." A first grade teacher was teaching her kids multisyllabic words, and hit on the idea of letting them supply a few examples themselves. One little boy, Slick Willie, stood up an offered, "Masturbation" as an example. Stunned, and trying to maintain her composure, the teacher said, "Wow. That's four syllables. That's a mouthfull." "No," Slick Willie countered, "you're thinking of 'blow job' and that's only two syllables." Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers their knock on the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?" Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents. She says, "OK, that will have to do", as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home. About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I couldda stood 5 dollars worth of that." Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lighbulb? A: None. Their boyfriends always have to do it for them. A man driving along an Arkansas road was suprised by a strutting rooster, followed by a THWACK! as the rooster disappeared in a cloud of feathers. Feeling bad, he went to the nearby farmhouse and announced, "I think I just killed your rooster on the road. Please allow me to replace him." "Fine by me, sonny," the farmer answered. "The hens are all around back." A woman is driving her car through a small Arkansas town when she has to slam on her brakes as a coyote sprints in front of her car. Then a cowboy runs up, grabs the coyote, and starts fucking it right in the middle of the road. Highly offended, she drives along the main street looking for the town marshal to lodge a complaint. She is not suprised to find his marked car parked in front of the saloon, since drinking on duty would naturally be OK in a place like this. She enters the saloon and passes by a very ageg man jacking off in the corner. The marshal is sitting at the bar. "Marshal!" she begins, "What kind of town are you running? I just saw a cowboy catch and fuck a coyote in the middle of the street, and here, right over there in the corner, an old man jacking off in public!" "What do you expect, lady," came her answer. "Can't you see he's too old to be chasing and catching coyotes?" A researcher is studying the ways farmers have sex with their sheep. His first interviewee is from Illinois, and tells him, "I put their hind legs into my rubber boots then put their front legs over a fence and fuck the shit out them." His second interviewee is from Kansas, and tells him, "I put their hind legs into my rubber boots then put their front legs over a fence and fuck the shit out them." His third interviewee is from Arkansas, and tells him, "I put their hind legs into my rubber boots then put their front legs over my shoulders when I have sex with them." "What?" said the interviewer, "You don't put their hind legs into your rubber boots then put their front legs over a fence and fuck the shit out them just like everybody else does?" "What!" he answered, "And miss out on all the kissing!" The teacher announced to her third grade class that the topic of discussion for the day would be farm animals. "Can anyone tell me what sound a chicken makes?" she asked. "Cluck, cluck," answered Billy proudly. "That's right. Now can anyone tell me what sound a cow makes?" "Mooo, mooo," little Stevie answered. "That's right. Now can anyone tell me what sound a pig makes?" "Freeze, Muthafuckah!" Cleotius answered. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a car? A: A carpet. A hot young couple are making out heavily in the back seat of his car when she squeals, "Kiss me where it smells!" "Whatever lights your fire, Baby," and he drives her to New Jersey. An African lion is drinking at a pond when a gorilla spots him, runs up behind him, ass-fucks the lion, then takes off running. The lion pursues the gorilla, but the gorilla is so fast, the lion soon loses sight of him. Soon the lion reaches the camp of some great white hunters. Unbeknowndst to him the lion got there first, donned a safari suit, and picked up and began reading a newspaper. The lion approaches the gorilla and asks, "Did you see a gorilla come through here?" "You mean the one that just fucked a lion in the ass?" "Holy Shit!" the lion exclaimed, "You mean it's in the paper already?" "Adam came first," the minister proclaimed. "But men always do," yelled a woman in the congregation. Little Jason tells his mother, "I want to be a rock musician on MTV when I grow up." "Make up your mind," she answered, "You can't be both." Joe is looking for a new dog, and passes a house in his own neighborhood with a sign in front: Talking Dog for Sale. So he stops and rings the doorbell. "The dog's in the backyard," his neighbor informs him. Joe goes around back and sees a golden retriever in the yard and asks, "Can you really talk?" "Yep," the dog answers. "So, what's the story?" Joe continues. "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was just a puppy," the dog began. "I decided I wanted to help the government, so I went to the CIA and demonstrated my skills. Soon they had me jetting from nation to nation, sitting in rooms with politicians and military leaders, since they logically figured no one would suspect a dog of eavesdropping. For eight years I was their most valuable spy. "But I wasn't getting any younger, so decided I needed a settled job, and this time I went to the airport and volunteered to listen in on suspicious characters' conversations. I was spectacularly successful at this, too, and was awarded a bunch of medals. "More time passed and I retired, got married, had a bunch of litters of puppies, and here I am now." Amazed at this narrative, Joe runs up to the front door and asks his neighbor how much he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks." "Ten bucks!" Joe exclaimed. "Holy Shit! That dog is truly amazing! Why just ten bucks?" "Because that dog is a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit." Q: What is better than a coat check girl with really nice hangers? A: A cashier girl with open drawers. Q: What is the best thing about getting a blowjob from a starving Somali girl? A: You know ahead of time that she's going to swallow. A blonde went to her doctor and complained, "I've been seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen an opthamologist?" her doctor asked her. "No. Just spots." A ninety-three year old goes to a hooker. When he takes out his limp, old dick she says, "You've had it, mister!" "Thank you! How much do I owe you?" Q: What is a truly good friend? A: One who goes to town, gets two blowjobs, then comes back and give you one. Q: How do you know who gives good blowjobs? A: Word of mouth. Q: What is better than honor? A: In 'er! A married CEO took a business trip to the Bahamas. The weather was so nice, he decided to stay an extra week. He emailed his best friend this message: "Hop on the next flight out here. Bring my wife and your mistress." Shortly his friend replied, "Your wife and I are arriving there tomorrow afternoon. How long have you known about us?" A young guy and his girlfriend were making out in the total blackness of a forest when he stopped and said, "Man! I wish I had a flashlight!" "Me too," she said. "You've been eating grass for the last 15 minutes." The Reverend Jesse Suction was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Suction pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black." Q: How can you tell if you're a dyslexic schizophrenic? A: You always think you are following someone. A man walked into a luxury auto show room and was caressing the sports car of his dreams. Suddenly, he farted loudly. He glanced embarrassingly around to see if anyone overheard, and was startled by a salesman who was standing next to him. "So, what will it take to get you into this car today?" "How much is it?" the man replied. "I'm sorry sir, I'd rather not tell you," the salesman said. "Why not?" "If you farted from just touching it, you're gonna shit when I tell you the price." Two little boys are playing when one says, "My daddy's got a penis." "So?" says the other, "My daddy's got TWO penises." "No way!" "Yep. He's got a small one he uses to pee with and a huge one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth with!" Q: What do lobsters thermador and blowjobs have in common? A: He never get either one at home. Two Polacks got married, but on their wedding night, he was too dumb to know what to do, so his wife told him, "For God's sake, Voichek, you take that thing you play with a stick it where I pee." So he went and put his bowling ball in the sink. Q: Why do men have assholes? A: So they won't be total pricks. Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland? A: The check is in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail. Daffynition - Period: a bloody waste of fucking time. Q: Did you hear the one about the dislexic blonde? A: Her wires were so crossed she literally thought "intercourse" was a State highway. Q: How did the blonde lose her job at the spermbank? A: She was drinking up all of the profits. Q: What surefire clue do you have if a blonde is horny? A: If she's breathing, she's horny. The night clerk at a hotel checked in a young newlywed couple who were all smiles, and couldn't help but notice how sexy and beautiful the blonde bride was. In the morning the groom came down for breakfast all by himself and looking dejected. "What's the matter, dude? You should be the happiest man in the world, after last night!" "That's just it. Without thinking, I left three ten dollar bills by the nightstand," the groom answered. "Hey, don't sweat it. She probably didn't even notice." "Not only did she notice, but reflexively left me five dollars in change." Q: What is a blonde's only complaint about fellatio? A: The lousy view. Q: What two things do you have to know to be a plumber? A: Shit doesn't go uphill, and don't bite your fingernails. Q: What is the definition of a skeleton? A: A leper in a wind tunnel. A lion is fucking the shit out of a zebra when he notices his lioness suddenly approaching them. "Quick! Pretend I'm killing you!" Q: Did you hear the one about the leper who was playing poker? A: He threw in a rotten hand. Q: What do you call a leper in a swimming pool? A: String cheese. Q: What is red and silver and crawls into walls? A: A baby with forks in its eyes. Q: How do you get a leper out of bed? A: With a shovel. Daffynition: faux pair...a nanny with breast implants. The latest high-tech gadget to come out of Silicon Valley is sleek, seven inches long, made of white plastic, and makes women sing out happily. It is called the iProd. A woman was confessing to her psychiatrist that she had fallen in love with her vibrator. "It's not as bad as it sounds," she added. "It's more or less an on-again, off-again relationship." Q: What does a lonely faggot do when he gets horny? A: He shits on his hand and then uses it to jack off with. Q: What do you call a hooker who has her hands up her own skirt? A: Self-employed. Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They just ignore the problem until the whole house gets plunged forever into total darkness. Although Slick Willie doesn't drink quite as much as in his college days, he still enjoys playing bartender. He has invented his favorite a coctail that is two ounces of scotch with a dash of cocaine added. He calls it Evil Dewar's. Usually followed by his favorite game of Swallow the Leader. Q: What does a blonde call it when she is giving a blowjob in her Honda? A: Her Civic duty. Q: How do you recycle toilet paper? A: Hang it on the wall and smash the shit out of it. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals." "Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!" Q: How did the teenage Mexican student get pregnant? A: Her teacher told her to go do an "essay." The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." No more games. No more bombs. No more walking. No more fun. No more swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. --HUNTER S.THOMPSON'S SUICIDE NOTE TO HIS WIFE, TITLED "FOOTBALL SEASON IS OVER." The World's Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot. THE END Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: How do you embarass an archeologist? A: Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: How do Arkansans tell if a girl is old enough to marry? A: Stand her in a barrell. If her head is above the rim, she's old enough. If it isn't above the rim, cut the barrel down a little. Q: What's the difference between strange pussy and apple pie? A: You can eat strange apple pie without being afraid. Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: See you next month! Four old Jewish guys are playing poker when Mozel loses $50 in one hand, then grabs his chest and dies of a heart attack. The other three, to show their respect, finish the hand and then cut cards to determine who will inform his widow. Moshe loses, but leaves strongly admonished to be careful and sensitive when breaking the news. He says to the wife, "Your husband Mozel just lost $50,000 in a card game, and is now afraid to come home." "You go tellink him to go drop dead." "OK, I'll go talk to him." Q: What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down, and a dog do on three legs? A: Shake hands. Q: Why was the bluefish blue? A: Because the blowfish wouldn't blow. Q: What is the most important element of marriage? A: Complete honesty. Once you learn to fake that, you've got it made. DOCTOR: You have an incurable disease. You'll be dead in a week. MAN: Isn't there anything at all I can do? DOCTOR: Well...you could take three mud baths a day. MAN: Will that keep me alive longer? DOCTOR: No, but it will acclimatize your body to dirt. Q: Why do Arkansans go to family reunions? A: To pick up chicks. A: A cock robin. Q: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman? Q: How does a faggot stop a dog from humping his leg? A: Picks the dog up and starts sucking its dick. Q: What do a hurricane, a flood, and a redneck divorce have in common? A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer home. Q: What is do eating parsley and eating pussy have in common? A: In both cases, you push them out of the way, then start eating. Q: What is the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? A: During a blowjob, you'll never hear the guy say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!" Q: What can you put on five pounds of fat that makes it look beautiful? A: A nipple. Q: Why can't blondes water ski? A: Because every time their crotches get wet, they automatically lie down. Q: What has four legs and eight arms? A: A pitbull in a children's playground. Two old men were sitting on a park bench, reminiscing. Old Man #1: Ever sleep with a blonde? Old Man #2: Many a time, many a time. Old Man #1: Ever sleep with a brunette? Old Man #2: Many a time, many a time. Old Man #1: Ever sleep with a redhead? Old Man #2: Not a wink. Q: What is the difference between E.T. and a man? A: E.T. phoned home. Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head? A: A brunette with bad breath. A woman is pleading her divorce case before a judge, and explains, "I can't stand his hobosexuality." "Didn't you mean to say, 'homosexuality'?" "Nope. Hobosexuality. He's a bum fuck." A beautiful young blonde walked into the drugstore and asked the pharmacist if he sold extra-extra-large sized condums. "Yes, we do. Would you like to purchase some?" "No," she answered, "But if its alright with you, can I just wait here until some guy comes in and buys some?" A woman told her lawyer she wanted a divorce. "My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "By that do you mean," the lawyer asked, "he forces you to indulge in unusual sexual practices?" "No, he doesn't," she answered, "And neither does the little queer." Q: What do you call a blonde who has just lost 99% of her intelligence? A: Single. Q: What is the difference between driving fast in the fog and eating pussy in the 69 position? A: When you're eating pussy, you can always see the asshole in front of you. Q: How are men like parking spaces? A: The good ones are always taken, and the rest are handicapped. Q: How do you define the difference between a mugger and a peeping tom? A: A mugger snatches watches. Q: How is a necrophiliac like a grave digger? A: Because they both dig dead people's holes. Q: What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep heading for Montana? A: A pimp. Q: Why can't you tell blondes "knock-knock" jokes? A: Because they always go and answer the fucking door. Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. Q: What do you call an Arkansan who doesn't fuck his sister? A: An only child. Q: How are men like spray paint? A: One squeeze and they're all over you. Q: How do you circumcise an Arkansan? A: Kick his sister in the chin. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay. A: They don't have time. Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? A: Because he wanted to see her crack. Q: Why did God create women? A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers? A: Dessert. REASONS WHY COOKIE DOUGH IS BETTER THAN MEN: It's easier to get the kind you want. You can comparison shop. You can always put it away when you've had enough. You know yours has never been eaten before. It won't complain if you chew it. It comes chocolate flavored. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public. You won't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed. It won't wake you up because it's hard. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding as if you're bragging. You'll never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around. You'll know where the extra weight is from. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one. It never has insecurity problems about its size. A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around, and she asked him, "Honey, do you mind taking off that ring while you masturbate me? It is uncomfortable." "That's no ring...that's my watch." Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Micael J. Fox has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope doesn't use his anymore. What is it? A last name. Blonde secretary: "I'm staying home today. I don't feel that good." Boss: "What's the matter?" Blonde secretary: "I have a case of anal glaucoma." Boss: "What in the flying fuck is 'anal glaucoma'?" Blonde secretary: "I can't see coming to work today." Q: How do all union fairy tales begin? A: "Once upon a fuckin' time and a half..." Q: How can a guy tell he's had a great date? A: When he wakes up in the morning, his face feels like a glazed doughnut. Q: How is marriage like a bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Q: How are drunken men like paper bumper stickers? A: They're hard to get off. Sperm One: "I can hardly wait until we get to the fallopian tubes!" Sperm Two: "Forget it, moron. Look around you. We're in the stomach." A Polack is hunting in Arkansas and shoots at a deer. Upon closer examination he realizes that it was a cow. Going up to the nearest farmhouse, he explains the mistake he has made to the farmer. "My God!" the farmer says, "You done kilt my favorite heifer. She had a pussy just like a woman's!" "Don't worry," the Polack says, "I'll bring over my wife. She has a pussy like a cow's." A guy is walking down the boardwalk, sees a hooker and asks how much...she's pretty reasonable and not very good looking so she says $20. They proceed under the boardwalk, get it on and he finishes. Pulls up his pants and hands her the $20 bucks he owes her. Next week, same man, same hooker...asks her if her price is the same... she says sure as she is feeling kinda horny. They retreat to the privacy under the boardwalk, get it on even better than before, except this time, she farts really hard as he is at that point of no return. He pulls up his pants, reaches into his wallet and hands the prostitute $25.00. She looks at the money and reminds him that her price was the same as last week, $20. He looks at her and says, "Yeah. The extra $5 is for forced-air blowing the sand off of my balls." The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "Promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh fuck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more...then farted." Sean Connery is lunching with his business manager, and has to excuse himself to go urinate. When he comes back, the entire front of his pants is wet. "Sean," his manager says, "what's the story? Do you need some sort of an operation?" "Oh, no," Connery replies, "It's just that every time I piss in a public restroom, the guy next to me always turns and says, 'Holy shit! Aren't you Sean Connery?'" Two guys were out hiking when they came across a bunch of people bungee jumping. The first hiker said, "Want to try it?" "Not me," said the second. "I came into this world because of a broken rubber, and I don't plan on leaving it the same way." An innocent young lady walked into a strip club by herself. Not wanting to sit alone, she sat next to an older gentleman and struck up a conversation, "Come here often?" "Not really. I usually wait until I get back home." During an etiquette class for young men, the teacher asked, "You are on a first dinner date with a well-educated young lady, whose parents are quite wealthy. You have to go to the toilet. What do you say?" "I know!" Rotten Billy exclaimed, "I'd say 'I have to go to the toilet, please excuse me.'" "No, that is not correct," she answered. "You never mention the word 'toilet' in conversation with polite people at dinner." "OK," the quick-thinking Rotten Billy amended, "I'd say, 'My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend of mine whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'" A young hitchhiker gets picked up by a middle aged man in his new Cadillac. Pointing to some golf tees on the dashboard, he asks, "What are those?" "Oh," the man says, "I put my balls on those when I drive." "Damn! Those Cadillac people think of everything, don't they?" He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said: Well, you succeeded. After their wedding, the newlywed couple checked into a hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reserva- tions?" the desk clerk asked. "Only one," the groom replied, "she won't do anal." A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!" One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, except for me, to be female." For his first wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, except for me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and yelled, "I wish that the bear were gay!" DOCTORS ~ The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. ~ Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. ~ Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services) GUNS ~ The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that is 80 million) ~ Accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups), is 1,500. ~ The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188. ERGO Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. A woman answered a knock on her front door, and there stood a man who asked, "Do you have a vagina?" Shocked, she slammed the door in his face. After the same exact thing happened three days in a row, she told her husband all about it. "OK," he responded, "tomorrow I'll be hiding behind the door when he knocks. You answer him, 'Yes'." Sure enough, she opened the door to the knock and the man again said, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes." "Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife." Q: Why do surgeons always wear masks while operating? A: So if they make a fatal mistake, no one will know who did it. Q: Why should you put OJ Simpson feetfirst into the woodchipper? A: So you can watch that smile disappear. A young man walked up to a girl, and said, "Hi. How's it going?" "Listen," she said, "I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere. Front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it since I graduated from college. I just love it!" "No kidding?" he responded. "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" MUSLIM BUMPER STICKERS: My other car is a bomb I'd rather be Jihading If you don't like the way I drive, stay out of the World Trade Center Keep honking. I am rewiring. Visualize World Jihad My other car is in the abdomens of 50 Israeli women and children I blew up 500 friendly Iraqis and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker. 0 to KABOOM in .2 seconds. My 12-year-old can blow up your honor student In case of Jihad this car will be exploded What part of ULLULULULULULULU did you not understand? - Allah Martyrs do it like it's their last time My boss is a 1300 year old pedophile I'm Muslim but you're ugly and I can blow myself up Baby Terrorist On Board After I pray, I slay. Proud parent of Suicide Bomber! Fatwah you looking at? Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry Honk if you Beat your Wife Driver carries only $20 worth of C4 Q: What has 180 legs and no pubic hair? A: The entire front row of an Ashlee Simpson concert. Q: What's the clearest thing about a nudist wedding? A: It is quite obvious who the best man is. Now under production in Hollywood is the story of Amelia Earhart's fatal Pacific flight. It's called "Never Findingland." Mrs. Smith asked, "How's your love life?" Mrs. Johnson answered, "Infrequent." Mrs. Smith asked, "Is that one word, or two?" A man walked into a sex shop and asked for a blowup doll. "Christian or Muslim?" the clerk asked. "What's the difference?" "The Muslim one blows herself up." A mother was escorting her young daughter on a tour of an art gallery when they came across the statue of a naked man. "Mommy, what's that?" the girl asked, pointing to the statue's penis. "That's something boys have and girls don't," her mother answered. "Well, I want one," said the girl. Mortified by the course of the conversation, her mother tried to curtail it by saying, "If you're good, you'll get one when you grow up." "And what," countered the little girl, "if I'm bad?" "Then," injected an eavesdropping security guard, "you'll get lots of them." Q: What do you call a guy who goes to a porn theater and sits all by himself in the balcony? A: A tier jerker. A guy is driving 90 miles per hour late one night in his convertible with his amorous girlfriend when she reaches over from the passenger seat, unzips, and starts to masturbate him. He gets so excited, he loses control of the car, which flips 12 times and crashes. A policeman walks up to the guy, who is still buckled in and alive, and says, "Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky." "Lucky? Go look in her hand!" Q: Why do women live longer than men? A: They're not married to women. A drunk, while staggering down the road, notices a mechanic working on a car by the roadside. He asks, "What't the problem?" "Piston broke," the mechanic answered. "Me too." A woman gynecologist having her midlife crisis, took a college class in auto mechanics. When she got back her grade on her final exam it said, "150 percent." Proud, but perplexed, she asked the professor how she scored 150 percent on the practical exam. "Well, first you took apart the engine perfectly, and I gave you 50 percent for that. Then you reassembled it so perfectly that it even ran better than before the test, and I gave you 50 percent for that." "So how did I total 150 percent?" "I gave you extra credit of 50 percent for doing it all through the muffler." Q: What do you call a woman who no longer finds fault with her husband? A: Widow. A blonde took her first porno from the video store, took it home, lit some candles, took off all of her clothes, popped the tape in her VCR and sat back to enjoy it. All she got on her TV's screen was snow and static. So she called the clerk at the video store to complain about her experience. After describing the picture problem, the clerk asked her what the title of the video was. "It look really exciting. It is called 'Head Cleaner.'" Q: How can you tell you're in a church that accepts homosexuality? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling. A Polack man went to the eye doctor, who pointed out the top line, which read: CZEKXFPCK. The doctor asked, "Can you read that?" "Read that, Hell! I used to date her!" The doctor told his patient: I have some good news and some bad news First, the bad news. You have both terminal cancer and Alzheimer's. Now, the good news. You can forget about it. Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the pair survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women, stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men, keep reading. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a fatal car accident in the first place. **** Men, Keep reading. By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never do what they're told! Q: What happened when the blonde got locked inside her car? A: Her blond boyfriend had to get her out with a coathanger. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was getting screwed by a guy who told her that he loved her? A: She believed him. A blonde gives birth to a baby and is visited by the doctor. "I'm sorry to inform you that your baby is a hermaphrodite." "A 'hermaphrodite'? What's that?" "That means your baby has the physical characteristics of both sexes." "That's wonderful! Both a vagina AND a brain!" Two muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheefully. "He's a martyr now though," mom confides. "Oh, so sad dear," says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr, too," says mom quietly. "Oh gracious me..." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" Q: Why did the blonde with the huge pussy douche with Crest? A: She heard it would reduce cavities. Q: What did the South African blonde give her boyfriend? A: Apart-head. Three South Africans, two whites and a black, had just recieved their sentences and were enroute to prison. They rode in silence for a while until finaly one white addressed the other: "What did you do and what did you get?" The second white answered: "Killed a black man, got sentenced to 2 years, but considering the circumstances, I'll be out in a year. How about you?" The first white responded: "Killed a family of blacks, got sentenced to five years, but considering the circumstances, I'll be out in about 2 years." They rode in silence until finaly one white turned to the black and said, "What did you do and what did you get?" The black replied, "I rode my bycycle without a headlight, got sentenced to 30 years, but considering it was daylight, I hope to be out in 15 years." Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among JAPs? A: It's called MAIDS...if they don't get one, they die. What does this equation stand for? 1bm --- - c = 3 now 1bw (1 black man over 1 black woman minus a condom equals 3 niggers on welfare.) 10 reasons why niggers can't be in NASCAR: 10) You have to sit upright while driving. 9) The pistol won't stay under front seat. 8) Engines drown out the cRAP on the radio. 7) The pit crew can't work on the car while holding up pants at the same time. 6) They keep trying to carjack Dale, jr. 5) Police cars on track interfere with race. 4) No passenger seat for the ho. 3) There are no sponsors for Cadillac. 2) Can't wear helmet sideways. 1) When they crash their car they bail out and run. Q: What do you call eight straight days of oral sex? A: Hanukkah Lewinsky. Q: Why doesn't Chelsey Clinton have any brothers or sisters? A: Monica Lewinsky swallowed them all. Q: What's the name of Monica Lewinski's new book? A: It Takes a Spillage. Q: What was Slick Willie's code name with the FBI? A: The Unibanger. Q: What do OJ and Slick Willie have in common? A: Both are liars, bad golfers, and leave a trail of DNA behind. Q: What was Slick Willie's worst nightmare? A: An intern with braces. Q: What was Slick Willie's favorite card game? A: Poker. Q: What was Lewinsky's code name in the FBI? A: Deep Throat. Q: How many White House Interns did it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they were too busy screwing Slick Willie. Q: Did you hear Slick Willie declared a new National Bird? A: The Spread Eagle. Q: Why was Slick Willie so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thought the Gaza Strip was a topless bar. Q: What was the difference between the Secret Service and Janet "Clinton's Getaway Car" Reno? A: There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President. Q: When did Slick Willie realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Slick Willie's sexual appetite? A: It Takes A Village. Q: What is the difference between Slick Willie and the Titanic? A: Only 700 women went down on the Titanic. Q: What is Slick Willie's favorite slogan? A: Give me liberty or give me head! One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is." A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great- grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. A little boy is taking a bath with the help of his mother. He points to his penis and says, "Is my brain in there?" She answers, "Not yet." A teacher is reading her class the story of Chicken Little, and says, "Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'" She looks at the class and says, "What do you think the farmer said to that?" "I know!" says Rotten Willie. "I'll bet he said, 'Holy fucking shit! A talking chicken!'" Q: What is the ultimate pinnacle of conceit? A: A male flea floating down the river on his back with a hardon while whistling for the drawbridge to open. A woman is taking a shower and after she gets out her wet feet cause her to slip on the bathroom floor. She does the splits trying to remain upright and her open labia greet the tile and cause her to stick to the floor. After she fails at repeated attempts to stand, she realizes that the suction is too strong, so she screams for her husband who runs in and asks her what happened. She explains, and naturally he tries to right her. He cannot break the suction either. So he goes next door and gets his friend to come help lift her. The two grown men combined again fail. "Shit!" the husband exclaims. "You go back to your house and get a hammer and chisel to break tiles while I stay here and play with her tits." "I don't think this is the best time to be getting her in the mood for sex," the friend observed. "You're right. I'm just going to get her wet so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper to replace." An ant married a female elephant, who died the day after their marriage was consummated. "Shit!" the ant exclaimed. "Five minutes of passion, and now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life digging her grave!" A teenage girl came entered her house late on night and asked her mother, "Is it true that babies come out the same place that boys always put their penises?" "Yes, dear." "But won't the baby knock out all my teeth?" Voicheck comes home to his Polish wife and she greets him with: "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?" "I've had a terrible day. I can't take any more bad news." "OK, the good news is, the paperboy isn't sterile." A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!" "Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks. "Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does." A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this," he said "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie," he continued, and On the Road Again came from the speakers. The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classic music, and if she said, "Beatles," she'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled... The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Hanoi Jane Fonda and Michael Moron, backed up by Hanoi John Kerry on guitar, LiberAl Gore on drums, and Slick Willie on sax. Q: What is the hardest thing in the world? A: Putting it in soft. Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her husband, what has he obviously done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: What was the only famous blonde surgeon's claim? A: She performed the world's first hemorrhoid transplant. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a degree in psychology? A: She can blow your mind, too. Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2005 El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es... Q: Did you hear about Clairol's new slogan? A: Buy a blonde batch and get the snatch to match. Q: Why did the blonde always take two hits of LSD? A: Because she wanted to be sure it was a round trip. A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy." The little boy replied, "Dude, that ain't shit. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on my cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle." Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." A study in a Wisconsin medical school showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One Irishman even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." Q: Why did the blonde always blow her boyfriend after having sex? A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it, too. A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ? "Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years." Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My roommate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years." Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional woman wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde?" "Hell no," came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it three times." Q: Did you hear about the blonde from Chernobyl? A: She gives glow jobs. Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy-style? A: Makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.