Pete was sitting near the stage of a strip joint when the girl came out and began dancing. Suddenly, as she began unzipping her dress, a man sitting behind Pete shouted, "Take it off, Baby!" causing Pete's ears to ring from the volume. Pete turned to the guy and scowled at him. "Sorry," the man apologized. Later as she began unhooking her bra the guy behind Pete again loudly yelled, "Take it off, Baby!" and again earned a scowl. "Sorry," the man apologized again. And yet once more when she began to slip down her panties the air erupted with a bellowing, "Take it off, Baby!" Which, when met with the customary scowl resulted in another, "Sorry." The act ended when the dancer ripped off her g-string, this time accompanied only by silence. "Hey, pal," Pete said sarcastically, "where's your great enthusiam now, huh?" "All over the back of your head." A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous fart. "Exuse me," she said, embarassed, to the clerk who was helping her. "Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price on that one, you'll shit." A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass." Q: Why do women have small feet? A: So they can get closer to their ovens. Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them. Q: Why do women have such difficulty learning to ski? A: Because there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen. A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed, whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside. "Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stole the $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest with the mailboy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whore mistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. And it was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me before I go?" "Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisoned you." A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were comparing relative woes one day. The cucumber said, "I have it really bad. I am allowed to grow big and fat. But then they pick me, drown me, slice me into little pieces, and finally eat me. It's all over then." "Well," said the pickle, "At least your suffering is brief. Mine is prolonged. Like you, I am allowed to grow big and fat. But then I am picked and bathed in foul smelling fluid for what seems an eternity, and then they eat me, too. Finis." "So what?" answered the penis. "At least there is an end to it for you two. My torture is daily and eternal. I also am allowed to grow big and fat. But then they always wrap a rubber bag over my head, put me in a dark, wet, cave that smells like fish, and make me do pushups until I puke." Q: What's the best thing about getting a handjob from a 7 year old girl? A: It makes your dick look bigger. Two adult men decided to go back to college, but hadn't a clue where to start, so one of them goes to a college counsellor. The counsellor suggests he take a course in logic. The man asked, "What do you mean?" The counsellor: "Do you have a weed whacker?" "Yes." The counsellor continued, "Then you probably have a lawn, and if you have a lawn, you probably own a house, and if you own your house, you are probably married, and if you are married, you are probably heterosexual, that is logic." The man saw the light and signed up for the class. He then saw his friend, and told him that he was taking logic. The friend asked what logic was, so he decided to demonstrate, "Do you have a weed whacker?" The friend said, "No." So the man asked, "What are you, a faggot?" Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years." A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart. She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?" "No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out." Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper colony? A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp. Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam. Q: What do you call 1,000 lesbians armed with rifles? A: Militia Etheridge. Q: What is the perfect gift to give a dead baby? A: A dead puppy. Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy? A: Cuntindicular. Q: What is the definition of a Jewish queer? A: That's a guy who prefers women over money. Q: What is the difference between karate and judo? A: Karate is a martial art, while judo is what bagels are made from. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. Q: Can you identify the functional difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty? A: Poverty sucks. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it. Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses wear bikinis? A: To separate the meat from the fish. Q: Did you know that the limbo was Jewish in origin, not Carribean? A: The Jews invented it trying to sneak into pay toilets. Q: Why won't Charlie the Tuna eat his old lady? A: She smells like people. A guy was having sex with a Jewish American Princess and suddenly stopped and asked, "Oh, did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved." A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer were travelling together when their car broke down. They walked to the inevitable nearby farmhouse and contacted the farmer. "I'm sorry, boys," the farmer apologized, "but I don't even have a daughter for you to sleep with tonight." "Well, that's OK," said the lawyer, who was used to fucking everyone in sight anyway. "Do you have a place we can sleep tonight?" "Well, sort of. Not only do I not have a daughter, but I don't have much room. Two of you can fit into the double bed in my spare bedroom, but one of y'all will have to sleep in my barn." "No problemo," answered the Jew, an obvious fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger and feeling heroic, "I'll be glad to be the one to sleep in the barn." So the trio divided up into their designated resting places. But only a few minutes later there was a knock on the door of the spare bedroom and the Jew came in and announced, "I am very sorry, but I am Jewish and there are pigs in that barn. My moral essence forbids me to spend the night in the presence of a pig, so I will have to use the double bed and one of you two will have to use the barn." "I am feeling in a sacrificial mood," piped in the Hindu. "I'll be glad to go." And he did. But a few minutes later there was a knock on the door of the spare bedroom. The Hindu entered and declared, "I am very sorry, but I am Hindu and there are cows in that barn. My moral essence forbids me to spend the night in the presence of a cow, so I will have to use this double bed and the lawyer, being the only one of you two still eligible, will have to use the barn." The lawyer grumbled loudly. But he went out to the barn anyway. A few minutes later there was a third knock on the door. It was the cows and the pigs. An Italian, a Jew, and a Polack were stranded for years on a remote desert island. One day, while walking along the beach, they discovered a lamp in the sand. The Jew rubbed the sand off it to determine its value, and a genie popped out, promising each of the trio one wish in repayment for freeing him. Immediately the Jew blurted out, "Oy, vey! I wish I were back in Israel among the holy places and all my people." And poof, he vanished. The Italian said, "I wisha I were back ina the land of grapesa and a big-breasted women." And poof, he was transported. The Polack began sobbing, "Oh! Its so lonely here on this island! I wish my two friends were back here with me!" The English as a Second Language teacher was doing a vocabulary lesson in her class of Mexican immigrants. "OK, children, who can tell me the difference between 'select' and 'choose'?" Little Jesus raised his hand and responded to her nod, "I know! 'Select' is when you pick something, and 'choose' is what you Anglos wear on your feet." Q: What are the only three occasions on which a Sicilian sees a Priest? A: At his baptism, at his marriage, and before his electrocution. A Jew, a Polack, and a black guy die at the same time and approach the Pearly Gates together. Saint Peter tells them that they will all have to pass an IQ test to get in, due to overcrowding in Heaven. He addresses the Jew first. But the Jew asks him a preliminary question: "St. Peter, I am a Jew and have suffered my whole life from religious persecution. Will there be any of that in Heaven?" "Absolutely not. Now spell 'God.'" "G - O - D." "That's correct, you may enter." Then he turned to the Polack next. But the Polack also asked a question before his IQ test: "St. Peter, I am a Polack and have suffered my whole life from cultural discrimination. Will there be any of that in Heaven?" "Absolutely not. Now spell 'God.'" "G - O - D." "That's correct, you may enter." St. Peter next looked at the black guy, who also asked a similar question: "St. Peter, Ah bees black," he began in perfectly correct standard Ebonics, "and all my lifes ah been hassled 'cause o mah race. Do there be any o dat racism shit in Heaven?" "Absolutely not. Now spell, 'Chrysanthemum.'" Q: What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar? A: "Your face, or mine?" Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant? A: Tartar sauce. Ten year old Stevie had been blind since birth. One night his mother came into his bedroom before he went to sleep and told him that he must pray very, very hard because tomorrow was a special day and he would get a wonderful surprise. So Stevie fell asleep praying with confidence that he would be able to see the next day. His mother awoke Stevie early and told him to open his eyes, as this was that special day she had promised him. Stevie tried, but then cried out, "Mommie, Mommie, I still can't see!" "I know dear," she said, "Today is April Fool's." Q: What is the difference between a hobo and a homo? A: A hobo doesn't have any friends, and a homo has friends up the ass. Q: Why shouldn't we make fun of handicapped people? A: Because if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to find such neat parking places. The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?" "Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?" Three young men applied to become priests at the local monastery. The wise old monk who ran the place told them that they each had to submit to a preliminary screening examination. They agreed. He told them to take all their clothes off in an isolated room and had each tie a small bell to the end of his penis. The old monk left the room and came back, escorting a beautiful young lady. This excited the candidate in the middle, and his bell predicatably began ringing. The other two candidates' bells remained unrung. "That's it. You, in the middle, you are not fit to lead the monastic life." "Oh, please!" he cried. "Just give me one more chance, I think I can control my reaction this time." "Hah! We'll see," said the wise old man. He instructed the girl to take off all of her clothes, revealing her voluptuous body heretofore shielded from sight. The bell on the candidate in the middle rang furiously, but still the other two's were silent. "OK, you, in the middle...you're outta here." The dejected young man bent over to pick up all of his clothes, and suddenly the other two bells began ringing. Q: What indication do we have that the lower part of a woman's body was designed by a Polack? A: Who else would have placed the shithole so close to the snack bar? And, speaking of Polish anatomy, three nations agreed to launch individual investigations into why a man has a head on the end of his penis. The French spent $10 million and ten months to come to the conclusion that the man has a head on his penis for the pleasure of the woman. The English $10 thousand and ten days to come to the conclusion that the man has a head on his penis for the pleasure of the woman. The Polacks spent ten cents and ten seconds to come to the conclusion that the man has a head on the end of his penis so that his hand won't slip off. A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do. "No Problemo," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference." The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy - in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink. Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last night gave you a good blow-job? A: The bedsheets are sucked up your ass. Q: Why do women have vaginas? A: So men will talk to them. Q: Why do women have faces? A: So men can tell the vaginas apart. There's a new radio station in town called KPMS. Its format includes three weeks of BLUES, followed by one week of RAGTIME. Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: "Ack, gag, ack!" Q: Why are there 2 X’s on Dos Equis beer? A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer. Q: Why is Thanksgiving the holiday that Slick Willie really celebrates? A: Because it is the only time he can grab a breast in public and not worry about getting sued for it. Q: What is the most frequent reason that midgets get slapped by girls? A: For telling them that their hair smells nice. Q: Why did God give black guys such big dicks? A: To compensate them for what He'd done to their hair. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Daffynition: A perfect 10 - a girl with no teeth who is waist high and has a flat head on which you can set your drink. Daffynition: A Cinderella perfect 10 - a girl who sucks and fucks until the stroke of midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack. TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER -------------------------------------------------------- 10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece. 9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky? 8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. 6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy! 5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special! Q: Why do women like to cross a rooster with an owl? A: Because they get a cock that stays up all night. Q: Why don't women like to cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich? A: Because they get a cock that sticks to the roof of their mouths. A couple took their young son to the zoo, and while the father was buying cotton candy, the boy and his mother waited by the elephant cage. The lad looked at the elephant and said, "Mommy, what is that long thing on the elephant?" "Why, that's the elephant's trunk, dear." "No, mommy, on the other end." "Oh, that's his tail." "No, mommy, underneath his tail." The woman saw her son was pointing at the elephant's penis, so, as she turned bright red, said, "Oh, that's nothing." When the father came back the boy asked him the same questions about the "long thing on the elephant," and got the same answers except for the last, to which his father replied, "Why, that's the elephant's penis, son." "But daddy, how come mommy told me that was nothing?" "It's because I have spoiled her for so long." Q: How can you tell your pet elephant is having her period? A: There are two quarters on your nightstand and your mattress is gone. Q: Speaking of elephants, what does an elephant use for a vibrator? A: An epileptic. Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: Because his wife died. The boss walked in on his voluptuous new secretary and asked her, "Buffy, do you know the difference between a blowjob and a Big Mac?" "No, I don't." "Great! Then let's have lunch!" Q: How can a teenager tell if case of acne is really bad? A: When a blind man tries to read his face. Q: On the rare occasions that Hillary decides to have sex with a male, why does she always get on top of Slick Willie? A: Because Slick Willie can only fuck up. Slick Willie has climbed out the bedroom window of the Whitehouse yet, again, and meets with three girls in the nearby Marriott. One was a blonde, one a redhead, and the third a brunette. He said to the redhead, "I am the President of the United States. How much would you charge to have sex with me?" "Six hundred dollars," she replied. "That's too much." Slick Willie turned to the blonde. "I am the President of the United States. How much would you charge to have sex with me?" "Three hundred dollars," she giggled. "That's still too much." So he addressed the brunette. "I am the President of the United States. How much would you charge to have sex with me?" The brunette pondered for a moment, then said, "Mr. President, if you can hike my skirt as much as you raised Americans' taxes, make your dick as hard as you have been on individual freedoms, and screw me the way you have been the whole country, then I will do it for free." Q: What is the most common pickup line used by black guys? A: "Scream, and I'll kill you." Q: What do you call a criminal lawyer? A: Redundant. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: All the rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: Did you hear about the new all-black western movie that just came out? A: It's called, "Ride, Motherfucker, Ride." A Southern sheriff drove up the scene of a freshly reported major accident, where he found a local farmer filling in a large trench. "What y'all doing, son?" He asked. Well, sheriff," he replied, "I am just doing the right thing." "And what might that be?" "Well this busload of blacks just got plowed into pieces by the passing train. Killed 'em all. I'm just given 'em a decent burial." "Whoa, son, that was fast! Y'all sure every one of 'em was dead?" "Well, two or three of 'em kept sayin' they weren't, but you know how them black folks lie all the time." A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax. "You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor. "Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!" An extremely elderly couple went before a judge and sought a divorce. The judge read the paperwork and said, "Let me get this straight. You have been married for 59 years and now you want a divorce? How do you explain that?" "Well, your honor," said the wife, "We knew the only decent thing to do was to wait until all the kids had died first." A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into an ice cream store and asked for a bananna split. The girl waiting on him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?" "Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?" Q: What is the most dangerous part of the San Francisco Marathon? A: Getting in the starting blocks. Daffynition: Psychopath - a teenager with a gold card in a whorehouse. Q: Why did the Polack staple his balls together? A: Someone told him, "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em." Q: When can it be lethal to have a wet dream? A: When you're using an electric blanket. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a blonde? A: A 200% chance of getting screwed. Q: What is the main difference between a new wife and a new job? A: After five years, the job still sucks. Q: What is the single most difficult phase of changing the sex of a man to that of a woman? A: Sewing in the anchovies. Q: How can you tell that the couple doing it doggie style are married? A: There is not as much licking and sniffing as usual. An eight year old boy walked into a bar and told the waitress to serve him a scotch and water. "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?" she asked. "Nope. Maybe later. Right now, I'll just settle for the drink." A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians." Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers? A: Burger Queen. Owner of parachute with stain jumped to a conclusion. A queer was brushing his teeth and flossing in front of the bathroom mirror, when he noticed that his gums had started bleeding. "Thank God!" he exclaimed. "Safe for another month!" Q: Did you hear about the new food item popular among queers? A: It's called semen helper. Q: Do you know why the Indians got here first? A: Because they had reservations. Q: How can a girl tell the Greek guy dating her is a real gentleman? A: He asks her out four times before he propositions her little brother. Q: Did you hear why the black guy had a heart attack on Halloween night? A: Someone came to his door dressed as a job. Q: Why don't women have brains? A: Because they don't have penises to carry them around in. Q: What do you get when you cross a Jew with a black? A: A kid who feels guilty about being on welfare. Q: Why can't Polish girls drown in the ocean? A: Because even the tide won't take them out. Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by the KKK? A: A fagpole. Q: What is the easiest way to determine if an Irishman has found a $20 bill? A: Smell his breath. Q: How much do Irishmen typically spend per day on alcohol? A: A staggering amount. Q: What is an Irisman's definition of arthritis? A: A new stiff joint every night. Q: What is an Irishman's concept of a balanced diet? A: A drink in each hand. Q: What is the only advantage to marrying a Polish girl? A: Twenty years later, she'll be just as pretty as the day you married her. Q: What is the only known way to get a Jewish American Princess hot? A: Cremation. Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: How can you tell if the Arkansas wedding is formal? A: The shotgun is painted white. Q: How can you tell that the first reader you are looking at is for Polacks? A: Jane is a dog, too. Q: What ethnic group has the shortest life expectancy? A: Jewish American Princesses. You'll never find one over forty. Q: How can you tell you are in a feminoid bookstore? A: There is no humor section. Q: What is the only time you could expect a Scotsman to pick up the check? A: When it is made out to him. Q: What is another name for an Italian with a war medal? A: Thief. Q: What do Hillary Clinton and J. Edgar Hoover have in common? A: They're both female impersonators. Two Polack friends met and one asked the other why he appeared so depressed. "Because I just got back from taking my dog to obedience school." "So what, Wolenski? Didn't your dog pass the course?" "Sure. But he learned to sit up and roll over three days faster than I did." Q: How can you tell if an Italian girl is old-fashioned? A: She has a handlebar moustache. Q: What is the busiest day at a Harlem brothel? A: Father and daughter night. Q: Why is it impossible to have a gathering of all the blondes in the world? A: Because no matter how many showup, they're still not all there. Q: How is an Italian hearse different from a regular one? A: In an Italian hearse, the body is always in the trunk. Q: Did you hear about the new car being built in Mexico especially for Mexicans? A: There are two models: the ten passenger coupe and the thirty passenger sedan. Q: What is the best way to seduce a black girl? A: Give her and Afro-disiac. Q: Did you hear about Mike Tyson's new perfume? A: He just slaps it on. Q: What is the best way to teach a dog to fetch? A: Tie a cat to a stick and then throw it. ARE YOU A REAL MAN? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your REAL MAN Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the President of the United States. b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the Pope. (But never on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. When is it okay to hug another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask for directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. Q: Why did the queer take a job ushering at a theater? A: They told him all guys who came in would have to show him their stubs. Q: What is the favorite spectator sport of transvestites? A: Drag racing. This guy in a toy store asks the saleslady: "Does Barbie come with Ken?" "No." she replies, "Barbie cums with G I Joe, she fakes it with Ken." Q: What is another name for faggots with AIDS? A: Tool and die workers. Q: Did you hear about the crook who stuck up a lawyer's office? A: He only lost $1500. Q: Why do cannibals refuse to eat missionaries? A: Every one knows you can't keep a good man down. Why Guitars Are Better Than Women 1. A guitar has a volume knob. 2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one. 3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to. 4. You can unplug a guitar. 5. You can finger for hours without it complaining it wants more. 6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset. 7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested. 8. You can have a guitar in any color you want and no one will care. 9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg. 10. If your guitar makes sounds you don't like, you can return it. 11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar. 12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can get a lighter set. 13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to YOUR liking. 14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required. 15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the quitars you want for free. 16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out. 17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed. 18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you. 19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective coating. 20. You can get rich playing a guitar. 21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it. 22. You can have a guitar all month long. 23. A guitar doesn't care how many other guitars you own. Why Women Are Better Than Guitars 1. Women are more fun when the power goes out. 2. You can't get your guitar wet. 3. Ever try to screw a guitar? 4. The input to a guitar in only 1/4" (ouch). 5. A guitar can't be begged to be played. 6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it. 7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue. 8. Guitars aren't very aggresive. 9. A guitar won't play you back. 10. You need TWO hands to make a guitar scream. 11. A guitar won't scratch YOUR back. 12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk. 13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it. 14. You can't play 2 guitars at once. 15. A guitar can't fall in love with you. 16. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun. 17. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings. 18. If you really DO want little guitars, you have to buy them. 19. You can't marry a rich guitar. 20. Guitars don't taste very good. 21. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime. 22. A guitar won't give you head. Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who tried a diet change by running a faggot through a food processor? A: He decided he wanted to try some fruit salad. Q: Did you hear what happened when the leper who ran into a screen door? A: He strained himself. A Cardinal was visiting the local parochial school. He examined each of the children on a different topic as the nun in charge secretly stood behind each kid with a pencil, ready to prod any slow responder into rapidly answering the Cardinal's question. The Cardinal asked nasty Billy what Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden. Nasty Billy rolled his eyes, stammered, and suddenly blurted out, "Hey! Don't stick that thing in me!" Q: What do they do in Arkansas to both a)fast women and b)fast cars? A: Put Governors on them. "Mommy, Mommy! Daddy took me to the zoo this afternoon!" the little boy exclaimed. His mother was shocked. She was more used to her husband sitting in front of the TV watching sports programs. "Really!" she replied. "Yeah, and one of the animals at the zoo paid off $30!" Q: Why do cannibal wives try to remain plain and frumpy? A: Because the last thing they ever want is for their husbands to approach them with relish. You know that you're in a redneck hotel when you call the front desk and tell them you've got a leak in your sink and they tell you to go ahead. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever. Q: What is the preferred food of cannibal boxers? A: Knuckle sandwiches. Q: Why did the Polish girl mistakenly think she was Jesus Christ? A: Because she just achieved her first "Good Friday": she got nailed 3 times. A minister was shaking hands of his congregation as they left after his sermon. One new visitor said, "That was one hell of a sermon, Pastor." "Thank you, son. However, I must admonish you against profanity." "Oh, right. Sorry! I was just so excited I put $1000 in the plate." "Holy shit!" said the minister. Q: How does an Italian get into an honest business? A: Usually through the skylight. A boy was making his confession to his priest. "I have this problem with spontaneous erection since I turned 13. I know it is a sin to play with myself. Can you help me with this problem?" "Ah, sure and begorrah, lad. I can lick your problem for you!" Q: Why is trying to have sex with an 80 year old like complaining to the IRS? A: In neither case do you get any response. Q: What do you call a Jew wearing a gas mask? A: A poor sport. Q: What is the definition of middle age? A: That's when a guy moves from hardball to softball. Two guys were sitting in a bar and one asked the other, "What would you do if you came home and found another man fucking your wife?" "Boy, would I get him!" the second one replied. "First I'd break his white cane, second I'd shoot his seeing-eye dog, and third I'd notify the lunatic asylum he escaped from." Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis, because even a thought can raise it. Q: In the Old West, what did they call two lesbians paddling a canoe? A: Fur traders. Q: What was the first recorded blow to the male ego? A: When Eve said to Adam, "You could get by with a smaller fig leaf." Q: How is a penis like a newborn baby? A: They both grow larger as a result of sucking. Q: Why are habitual masturbators less likely to panic than others? A: Because they usually have too firm a grip on themselves. Q: What was the last thing that went throught Kurt Cobain's mind when he shot himself? A: The roof of his mouth. Q: Why do women like having their nipples sucked on? A: Because it brings out their best points. Q: How is the Post Office like a sexually frustrated housewife? A: They are both always looking for ways to slow down the male. The Gay Olympics are in Minneapolis, MN. this week. We have been sitting around at work trying to come up with events. Some suggestions... Hamster Taping Condom Sucking Butt Vaulting Discus Blowing Synchronized Stroking (The audience can then participate in the Cookie Toss.) Q: What often tires a nymphomaniac? A: Working her fingers to your bone. Q: What is the definition of an X-rated movie? A: That's always a story about a boy who meats a girl. Q: What is a woman's idea of an ideal husband? A: A guy with a million dollar life insurance policy, who dies on her wedding day. Q: How is buying a used car like patronizing a whorehouse? A: You're 100 percent certain you're going to get screwed. Q: Why is chocolate better that sex? A: You can have chocolate on your desk at work and no one will care. Q: What is grey and can be found in little boys' pants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: What has Micheal Jackson asked for Christmas this year ? A: A Game Boy. Q: Why are women such enigmas? A: Most of them have to get tight before they're loose. A woman went into a furniture store and asked to buy a sexual sofa. The salesman chuckled and said, "I think you mean a sectional sofa." "No. I know what my boyfriend wants me to buy. He said he wants and occasional piece in the living room." Q: What do you call a woman who has no brain? A: Divorced. Q: What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof? A: Well, everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times. Q: What proof do we have that women are dynamite? A: Just try dropping one sometime. Q: What is the motto of the dyslexics' beastiality club? A: In dog we thrust. Q: How is a woman like a condum? A: If she's not on your dick, she's in your wallet. Q: How is a cassanova like a film critic? A: He spends every night at a new opening. Did you hear Ronald Reagan called O.J. to congratulate him on getting away with murder? Afterward he invited O.J. and Nicole over for dinner. Two girls are talking about their sex lives. SUE: "I can't believe what rotten luck I have with guys." MARY: "Give me an example." SUE: "Well, last night, for instance, I spent all night fighting this guy off." MARY: "So, what are you going to do about it?" SUE: "Why, date stronger guys, of course!" Q: Why did the banker take the blonde teller into the bank vault? A: For safe sex. Q: What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? A: It’s warmer, it’s tighter, and it’s degrading to the woman. Q: Why should you be especially nice to female executives? A: You never know when they might offer you an opening to fill. Q: What did the medieval damsel have against daylight? A: Nothing, really. It's just that she preferred a long, hard knight. Daffynition: Legal Secretary. A secretary who is over 18 years old. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: What shows that a girl is a nymphomaniac? A: The writing on her T-shirt is in braille. Q: What were the only two government things open in Washington during the shutdown? A1: Ted Kennedy's Bar bill. A2: Bill Clinton's fly. Q: How can you tell if a necrophiliac is both drunk and homosexual? A: When he walks into a morgue he shouts that he will lick any man in the house. Q: How did the necrophiliac contract AIDS? A: He made a grave mistake. Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? A: When she was learning to read lips. Q: What is the great tragedy of being a necrophiliac? A: No matter how hard or how often you try, your love will always decay. Q: What is your first clue that your vasectomy has gone terribly wrong? A: When you come to you discover that your "Playboy" has been replaced by "Woman's Day." Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret: =============================================================== #10 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! #9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing. #8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. #7 Mom will love this. #6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it? #5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. #4 Will you model this for me??? #3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! #2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret: #1 Does this come in children's sizes? Q: What clue do you have that the mosquitoes were bad at your son's summer camp? A: He comes home wearing a 36D bra. Q: Why did the recent widower mix his cremated wife's ashes with marijuana? A: Because he wanted her to make him feel good at least once in his life. Q: What is your first clue that your kid is going to be a pervert? A: He dresses up like a fire hydrant before he goes out to play with the dog. Q: Why'd the woman buy a watch? A: She didn't have to: there's a clock on the stove. Q: What do you get when you cross a necrophiliac with an Oedipal complex? A: A guy who only has sex with mummies. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare center? A1:He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole. A2:You have to play strip poker with him to get him into the bathtub. Q: How is chewing gum like fellatio for a girl? A: In both cases, she has to decide what to do with the wad when she's done. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1:Blow in her ear. A2:Buy her another beer. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: How can you tell if a Polack is truly upper class? A: There are caviar stains on his bowling shirt. Q: How can you tell if a woman's cooking is notoriously bad? A: Natives from the Amazon region come to dip their arrowheads in it. Q: What happens to an Irish woman after she has a baby? A: She has to prepare two bottles every night. Q: Why can't they cremate Irishmen? A: Because the last time they even tried, it took two weeks to put out the fire. A man teed off from the seventh hole of his favorite golf course and wound up in a sand trap. He went to retrieve his ball and found a leprechaun in the sand trap. "Well, you've found me, laddy," said the leprechaun. "I'll grant you one wish - either a year of great golf or a year of great sex." Without hesitation the man responded, "A year of great golf." And he enjoyed a whole year of professional grade golf. After the year ended, though, he went back to his terrible scores of before. Again on his favorite course, he again wound up in the same sand trap and again found the same leprechaun. The leprechaun promised to grant him one wish - with exactly the same choice as before, great golf or great sex. Without any hesitation the man asked for "A year of great golf." The leprechaun was astounded. "Laddie, you look like a red- blooded man. I don't understand why you don't ask for great sex for a year. Your sex life must be pretty good already. How often do you get it, anyway?" "About twice a month," he answered. "And you think that's great?" shouted the leprechaun. "Yep. Not bad for a small town priest without a car." Q: How can you tell when the wedding you are attending is Italian? A: The organist has a monkey and a tin cup. Q: Why do they call a pap smear a pap smear? A: Because if they called it a cunt scrape, no one would have it done! Q: What happens when you dial information in Red China? A: You'd better have some. Q: Why can't a blonde die in her sleep? A: Because blondes can't do two things at once. Q: Have you seen the new Polish porn flick? A: It's called "Deep Hand." Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their heads into the jar. Q: Why is it not considered a felony rape a JAP? A: Because, obviously, it is not a moving violation. Q: How do you make a black guy nervous? A: Take him to an auction. Q: Why was Micheal Jackson rushed to hospital? A: At the time, Lisa Marie thought he looked a little queer. Q: What's the difference between entering a black fraternity and a white one? A: With the black fraternity, black balls get you in. Q: How can you spot the JAP in the college cafeteria? A: She's the one who is eating her banana sideways. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant. Q: What is the ultimate insult one Jewish kid can give to another? A: "Your parents pay retail!" Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license? A: Because she got an "F" in sex. Q: How can you tell which guy inside a topless bar is Irish? A: He's the one who is sitting there and just drinking. Q: What is the definition of "gentlemanly?" A: That's the way an Italian treats a woman he hasn't fucked yet. A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?" Q: What test can you conduct to see if a guy is an Italian? A: Have him breathe on a vampire. If the vampire dies, the guy's Italian. Q: How many Sicilians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four. One to steal it, one to change it, one to keep lookout, and one to shoot any witnesses. Q: Why do black guys like football so much? A: It's the only time they get to chase a white guy, and 75,000 people will stand up an cheer them on. Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China? A: You never leave home. Q: Did you hear about the terrible accident on the L.A. freeway where 37 people were killed? A: Two cars carrying Mexicans collided. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" Q: What is the difference between a good comedian and Bill Clinton? A: A comedian can get laughs with his pants up. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: How many Presidents of the United States does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Clinton always operates in the dark. Q: How do we know Slick Willie doesn't have a dirty mind? A: It's because he changes it several times per day. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde. A2: All the other guys awaiting their turn. Q: Why is it so fitting that Congress should investigate the Clintons? A: Because it takes a thief to catch a thief. Q: What did Michael Jackson say when the paramedics were taking him to the ambulance after he collapsed? A: "You ARE taking me to Children's Hospital, right?" Q: Why are Mafia hitmen considered so efficient? A: Because they seem to have a concrete solution for every problem. Q: Why are there so many political assholes in Washington, D.C.? A: To entertain the members of Congress. Q: Did you hear the good news, about the death rate from AIDS dropping? A: It's because all the faggots are dead. Q: What's the difference between sushi and pussy? A: Rice. Q: What is a good clue that a boxer is queer? A: When he buys his gloves, he selects a purse and shoes to match. Q: What do cannibals play at parties? A: Swallow the leader. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: What is a queer's equivalent of a straight's mirrored ceiling? A: A rear-view mirror. Q: How did the gerbil cross the road? A: Inside Richard Gere. Q: Did you hear the Richard Gere is back in the hospital? A: He's having a mole removed. Daffynition: Asphyxiation. A faggot's fetish. Q: Did you hear the one about the queer bank robber? A: He tied up the safe and blew the bank guard. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A:"I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she had given her last blowjob. Q: What is the definition of a cannibal who is a real loser? A: That's a cannibal who eats his mother-in-law and discovers that she still disagrees with him. Q: Can you name the primary difference between a hunchback and a garden hose? A: You can easily straighten out a garden hose. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful thinking. Q: What do priest do to altar boys who misbehave? A: Take them into the vestry for a good licking. Q: How do you compliment a girl from Arkansas? A: "Nice tooth!" Q: Why did the Roman Catholics hire thousands of black people? A: To teach their parishoners the rythm method. Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a greyhound? A: At least the greyhound waits for the hare to come out of the box. Q: What is another term for Harlem? A: Scene of the crime. Q: What is the very best feature of reaching age 65? A: No more calls from life insurance salesmen. Q: What is the professional similarity between a dentist and a whore? A: They each charge $50 a cavity. Stick your tongue out. Move it up and down. Relax. Now move it left and right. Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video. Q: How are marriage and divorce similar? A: Each begins when a man finds a woman who genuinely understands him. Q: What is the first thing a guy notices about a girl? A: Well, that depends on which direction she is facing when he sees her. Q: Why don’t Polacks count sheep to fall asleep? A: Because they want to sleep, not have a wet dream. Q: What is your first clue that your marriage is doomed? A: When your on your honeymoon and she says you are seeing too much of each other. Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: One goes (Whack) "Shit!" and the other goes "Shit!" (Whack). Q: How can you tell if you're a loser? A: Your girlfriend wants to have sex in the back seat of your car and insists that you drive. Daffynition: Negligee - a perfect gift for the girl who has everything. Q: Why do all blondes have lipstick on their steering wheels? A: From blowing their horns. Q: What is a good clue that you have a small dick? A: When a girl puts it into her mouth then flosses rather than blows. Q: What did the blonde's dentist find? A: Teeth in the cavity. Q: Where do little Jewish kids with attention deficit disorder go for their summer vacations? A: Concentration camp. Q: Can you define the sexual difference between men and women? A: Women play hard to get, while men have to get hard to play. Q: What did the blind, deaf, dumb, black, quadraplegic spastic get for Christmas? A: Cancer. Bumpersnicker seen in Southern Florida: Why Do They Call It Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot Them? Q: What motto was inscribed over the nymphomaniac's bed? A: "No Deposit, No Return." Q: How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way? A: You'll feel her crack. Q: How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad. Q: What's wrong with a bird in the hand? A: Nothing. But a hand in the bush is definitely more fun. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." Q: What should you do if your girlfriend spills soup in her lap? A: Chew her out. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette? A: A brunette is looking for Mr. Right. A blonde is looking for Mr. Right Now. Q: Why are women like credit cards? A: Every time you slide it in you know eventually you going to be out money. Daffynition: Marriage. A ceremony that officially turns your dreamboat into a garbage scow. Q: What Does W.I.F.E. stand for? A: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc. A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring! That's my wristwatch." Q: Lovers have a special day. Valentine's day. A: What special day do losers celebrate? Palm Sunday. Q: Where was toothpaste invented? A: Arkansas. Otherwise it would be called teethpaste. Q: If you put a cheesecake with just one cherry on its top in the middle of a table at which five guys are sitting, which one will get the cherry? A: The one who gets the first piece. Q: What is a surefire clue that your infant is being abused at his daycare center? A: He won't use his pacifier unless there is hair around it. Q: What about the mortician who was also a necrophiliac? A: He just loved to bury himself in his work. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. Q: What is the most effective way to scare off a black mugger? A: Threaten to wipe a booger on his new tennis shoes. Q: Why did the Scotsman fire a shotgun on his roof on Christmas Eve? A: So he could inform his children that Santa Claus committed suicide. Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry. Q: How can you tell if you're staying over at the wrong girl's apartment? A: The towels in her bathroom are labelled "His" and "Herpes." Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". A lawyer walked into his client's cell on deathrow. To the client who was awaiting death by electocution that very night, he said, "I have some good news and some bad news about my efforts on your behalf. Which would you like first?" "The bad news." "The bad news is: I couldn't get your execution stayed. You are going to fry tonight." "Holy shit! What's the good news?" "The good news is: I got your voltage reduced!" Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: How can you tell when an outlaw biker's smile is genuine? A: When there are crabs in his moustache. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. Q: What is a bulimic's idea of an ideal birthday party? A: When the cake jumps out of the girl. Q: What is a Polack's definition of bi-sexuality? A: Masturbating with either hand. Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers? A: Desert. Q: What's grosser than having your girlfriend pass you her gum while you french kiss her? A: When she tells you it wasn't gum. Hillary and Bill were on their private plane and Bill said,"Hillary I want to throw a $100 dollar bill out the window and make one person happy." Hillary replies, "Why don't you throw 10 $10 dollar bills out and make 10 people happy?" Then their pilot says, "Why don't you both jump out the window and make everyone happy!" Q: Why do elephants vomit every time they take a shit? A: You'd vomit too, if you had to wipe your ass with your nose. One night, Bill Clinton is so worried about the Federal budget crisis that he can't get to sleep. So he gets up and goes for a jog in the moonlight. As he passes the Lincoln Memorial, he wonders, "What would Honest Abe have done in this situation?" So he kneels down in front of Lincoln's statue and says, "Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, I want to do what's best for the country,but I don't know what that is." And sure enough, Clinton hears a disembodied voice coming from within the monument, saying, "Go to the theater." Q: What do you call it when three lesbians are having sex? A: A menage-a-twat. A little girl was getting a haircut from a barber, who gave her a cookie to eat to help keep her mind occupied. As he was slinging hair around, he noticed some of it fall on her face while she was eating. "Oh, little girl, do you have hair on your cookie?" "Hell no, mister, I'm only ten years old!" Q: What is a woman's best defense against a rape attempt? A: Why, to beat off the attacker, naturally. Q: What is a nyphomaniac's worst nightmare? A: Meeting a handsome guy with a big dick and herpes. Q: How is having sex like banking? A: When she loses interest, you have to withdraw your assets. Q: What's the difference between a dick and a magic lamp? A: When you rub a dick three times, genes come out. Q: Did you hear about the "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes your blood type. Q: What did the Seven Dwarves do after Snow White awoke? A: They went back to masturbation. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: Once they're on their backs, they're fucked. Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the cleaning? A: Lifting his feet for the vacuum cleaner. Q: What is a man's idea of a seven course meal? A: A hot dog and a six pack of beer. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw in anything. Q: What's green and red and goes 200 miles per hour? A: A frog in a blender. Q: What do you get when you add an egg? A: Frog nog. Q: What happens when you drink frog nog? A: You croak. Q: What is the cruelest gift you can give a queer epileptic? A: A vibrator. Q: What is the cruelest gift you can give Helen Keller? A: A paint-by-numbers set. Q: What is the kindest gift you can give a deaf person? A: A Yoko Ono album. Q: Where do queers usually park? A: In the rear. Q: What is the favorite sandwich at a cannibal deli? A: Him on rye. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite ad for a bus line? A: Take the bus, and leave the driver to us. Q: Why should you always bury lawyers face down? A: Just in case they come to and start digging. Q: What do queers usually get for Christmas, nowadays? A: Buried. Q: Why do men prefer to marry lepers? A: Because they can only give you lip once. Q: What is the only difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? A: If you had to, you could pet a poisonous snake. Q: What was the official court-martial charge against the gay Sergeant? A: Playing with his privates. THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY 10.COULD OUR RELATIONSHIP BE MORE PHYSICAL? I'M TIRED OF JUST BEING FRIENDS. 9. GO AHEAD AND LEAVE THE SEAT UP. IT'S EASIER FOR ME TO DOUCHE THAT WAY. 8. I THINK HAIRY BACKS ARE REALLY SEXY. 7. HEY, GET A WHIFF OF THAT ONE. 6. WEAR THAT T-SHIRT WITH THE HOLES IN THE PITS. IT'S JUST TOO CUTE! 5. THIS DIAMOND IS WAY TOO BIG! 4. I WON'T EVEN PUT MY LIPS ON THAT UNLESS I GET TO SWALLOW. 3. WOW...IT REALLY IS 14 INCHES. 2. DOES THIS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK TOO SMALL? 1. I'M WRONG, YOU MUST BE RIGHT AGAIN. THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10.I THINK BARRY MANILOW IS ONE COOL MOTHERFUCKER. 9. WHILE I'M UP CAN I GET YOU A BEER. 8. I'M ABSOLUTELY WRONG YOU MUST BE RIGHT. 7. HER TITS ARE TOO BIG. 6. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO BE HELD. 5. THE CHICK ON "MURDER SHE WROTE" GIVES ME A WOODY. 4. SURE, I WOULD LOVE TO WEAR A CONDOM. 3. WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE MALL IN AGES, LET'S GO SHOPPING SO I CAN HOLD YOUR PURSE. 2. FORGET THE FOOTBALL GAME, LET'S WATCH "MURPHY BROWN". 1. I THINK WE'RE LOST. MAYBE I SHOULD ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. Q: Why are most black men single? A: Like father, like son. Q: How did the husband know his wife had died during sex? A: He noticed that she hadn't moved for three weeks. Q: What is the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a toilet seat? A: A toilet seat warms up when you touch it. Q: How can you tell when your wife has died? A: Well, the sex is about the same, but the dishes start piling up. Q: What is Michael Jackson's definition of a perfect "10?" A: Two five-year-old boys. Q: What is a Jewish American Princess's definition of a "10?" A: That's any guy who has four limbs and ten million dollars. Q: Why don't Indian women ever wear yellow? A: Because they don't want pedestrians to yell, "Taxi!" at them. Q: How can you tell if your wife is really ugly? A: Right after you move into a new house and your neighbors put curtains on their windows. Q: What is the difference between "The Joy of Cooking" and "The Joy of Sex?" A: One is about eating well, and the other is about eating out well. Q: Did you hear about the new religion that was being formed on the principles of Jeffrey Dahmer and David Koresch? A: It's call the Brunch Davidians. Q: What did the devil say when David Koresch showed up in hell? A: "Well done." Q: Did you know that, under the Truth in Labelling Act, Waco, Texas has officially had to change its name? A: From now on, it will be known as Corpses Crispy. The good news: Jesse Jackson became so successful financially, he was able to hire his own mother to clean house for him. The bad news: He had to fire her for stealing. Q: How is it so easy to tell when a witch is horny? A: Just look at which end of her broom she is riding. Q: Why did the teenager so look forward to getting a bilingual education? A: Because he thought that meant he was going to get Frenched by twins. Q: What do you do when she is reluctant to perform fellatio? A: Just keep pounding it into her head. Q: What proof do we have that Democrats give good head? A: They'll swallow anything. A guy walked into a bar and ordered his usual martini and also a tuna sandwich. The bartender asked, "What's the matter, Joe? Ya hungry?" "No. I just lonely - I miss my wife." Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. Q: How can you tell if a whore is genuinely elegant? A: She uses lipstick on all of her VD sores. Q: What is a hillbilly's definition of a nice, quiet evening at home? A: That's when he gags his sister before he ties her up and screws her. Q: What's the difference between pro baseball and the White House? A: In baseball, when you get caught stealing, you're out. Q: Why can't a whore sue if a john gives her AIDS? A: Because all whores have a 6" deductible. Q: What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a pitbull? A: Your last blowjob, ever. Q: What do Cher and the State of Oregon have in common? A: Neither one of them is fucking sunny. Q: What did the Jewish guy do when he found out his girlfriend had a heart of gold? A: He ripped it out and sold it. Q: What is the definition of a real loser? A: That's a guy that gets AIDS from a wet dream. Q: What is the ultimate in rejection? A: That's when you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep. A young woman just arrived for the first time in New York City. She was immediately accosted by a black guy who asked her if she knew where Central Park was located. "No, I don't," she replied. "OK, I'll just rape you right here." Two coeds, one white and one black, are walking along on the college campus when they are passed by a distinguished looking professor. The white girl later smiled and said, "Oh! I just love a man with a pipe, don't you?" "Nah, yo dumb bitch. Ah loves 'em with my pussy." Q: What is the most disheartening sign you can see on a whorehouse door? A: "Closed. Beat it." Q: Why do baseball players always try to have sex with their female fans? A: Because they are so used to getting thrown out at home. Q: Why is golf considered the most dangerous sport in Poland? A: Because Polacks don't know their asses from holes in the ground. Q: Did you hear about what happened to the two ex-cons? A: One became a lawyer, and the other one went straight. Q: So, did you hear how the alcoholic's technique for telling when he had had enough to drink? A: He kept a picture of his lawyer in his pocket and would look at it from time to time. When his lawyer started to appear human to him, he knew he had had too much to drink. So, did you hear about the guy who hijacked a planeload of lawyers yesterday? He threatened to release one every hour until he was given ten million dollars... Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What sign usually accompanies adult movies in Arkansas? A: "No children under 13 allowed unless accompanied by spouse." Q: What is the number one sexually transmitted disease among females? A: Headache. Q: Where did the Irishman go for his vacation? A: To a different bar. Q: What is the definition of an Irish queer? A: That's a man who prefers women to whiskey. Q: How is your penis like your paycheck? A: Neither one can come too often. Q: What is the single most important thing to remember when you are visting San Francisco? A: No matter what you drop, don't bend over to pick it up. Q: So, what should you do if you drop a $20 bill on the sidewalk in San Francisco? A: Kick it over to Oakland before you bend over to pick it up. Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a toilet seat? A: A toilet seat warms up when you touch it. Q: What is better than honor? A: In her. Q: How do female lepers often commit suicide? A: By "giving head." Q: Why don't lesbians wear yellow clothes? A: Because they don't want people to yell "Taxi!" at them. A horny guy got so drunk that he left the bar with one of the worst slezoids in history. His vision was quite blurred, so it didn't matter. Later, he began energetically pumping away, but quickly stopped and complained to her, "Hey, your vagina feels dry and a little scratchy! Isn't there anything you can do about it?" "Sure," she said, and went into the bathroom. A couple of minutes later she came out and he started in again. "Wow! That really made a difference, it's nice and slick now. What did you do, anyway?" "Same thing I always do - scrape the scabs off and let the pus flow all over." Q: What was the first sexual reference on TV? A: When June Cleaver said to Ward, "Weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" Q: How can you tell when an Arkansan is level-headed? A: When his tobacco juice drools out both corners of his mouth. Q: Did you hear why the gynecologist was unemployed? A: He couldn't find any openings. Q: Why do women prefer extremely old gynecologists? A: (Hold two fingers together and imitated oldage shaking movements.) The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." Q: "What is 'sympathy'?" A: "You'll find it in the dictionary somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphillis'." Two sperm are swimming and swimming and swimming. Finally one says to the other, "How much farther to the egg?" The other sperm says, "Pretty far - we just passed the tonsils." Q: What's the difference between "like" and "love"? A: The difference between a spit and a swallow. Q: What could women do best to help curb the population explosion? A: Use their heads. Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before. Q: What's the meanest present you could give to Helen Keller? A: A "paint-by-numbers" set. Q: How is a blowjob like eggs benedict? A: They are both something you will never get at home. Q: What do you call a dead cat? A: Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway. Q: What do you call a live cat? A: Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway. Q: How do you get a dead baby out of a tree? A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata! It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Q: What is the surefire way to make a bull sweat? A: Give him a tight jersey. A woman goes for her checkback at her doctor's office. When she came into his office, he said, "I'm sorry Miss Smith. You have an incurable disease and you will be dead in six months." "Oh! That's terrible! What should I do?" "I think that you should go right out and marry a lawyer." "What will my marrying a lawyer accomplish?" she asked. "Well, it will make it seem like the longest fucking six months of your life." Q: Why are faggots hesitant to sit on the end of an upright baseball bat? A: They're afraid that it might get serious. A Politically Correct Holiday Poem: 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Q: What surefire way can a guy use to get rid of crabs? A: Find a faggot who likes seafood. A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Q: Why couldn't the leper tie the shoestrings on his new Nikes? A: Because they had already cost him an arm and a leg. Q: What's the difference between true love & herpies ? A: Herpies lasts for ever. Q: What's infinitely worse than a male chauvinist? A: A woman who won't do what she's told. Q: Why doesn't the ABA condone sex between lawyers and clients? A: To avoid having clients billed twice for what is essentially the same service. Q: How can you tell if an Indian is homosexual? A: All of his scalps have handles on them. Q: What's red and white and spits? A: A dead baby in a frying pan. Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles. A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet. Daffynition: Skyjacking. Getting a handjob at 27,000 feet. Q. What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common? A. One prick and its all over. A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" Q: What's charred black and smells really bad? A: A baby playing with a blow torch. A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June day. The desk clerk and hotel manager gave each other the 'nudge-nudge', indicating that they would never see the two of them all week long, as they would be up in the room, consummating their marriage. But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fishing poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon. This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fishing, and be gone for most of the day. The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fishing. Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?" "Why do you ask", asked the husband. "Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fishing. I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her." "Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to make love to me, as she has Gonorrhea" Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral sex on you?" "Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much" "Sir, what about Anal sex?" "Nope. She has diarrhea" "But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?" "Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she has worms!" Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to suck my dick. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: What's red and white and sits in a highchair? A: A baby eating razor-blades. Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A: A baby playing in a plastic bag. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. I heard that Tom Hanks and Greg Luganis are working on a new movie. It is to be called "Sorest Rump." Q: Did you hear Susan Smith's statement after her sentencing? A: She was only taking her kids to see "Waterworld"! Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery. Q: What's the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers? A: Mark spits and Greg swallows. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a toilet seat? A1: Toilet seats warm up when you touch them. A2: Are easier to pick up. A3: Are always there when you need them. A4: Don't bitch. A5: Always go down for you. A6: Don't get headaches. A7: Take a lot of shit without complaining. A8: Won't let you down. A9: Won't stand you up. A10:You don't have to kiss a toilet seat to use it. A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy .... SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall.... Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and hollers "MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY?" The Nurse chuckles a little to herself "April Fools," she says,"He was ALREADY DEAD!" Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he is near the ground? A: The seeing dog's leash goes limp. Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson & acne? A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Q: Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A: They don't want to be mistaken for lesbians. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" Q: Did you hear that Buckwheat converted to the "Nation of Islam?" A: His new name is "Kareem O Wheat." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. Q: What do hillbillies do for Halloween? A: Pump-kin. Two men and a woman were on a business trip. On layover in Minnesota, their flights were cancelled. The three went to a nearby hotel, but found that there was only one room left. They agreed to go in on the cost of the room together. One of the men volunteered to sleep on the floor, and the other said he would sleep in the tub, allowing the woman to have the bed to herself. "Nonsense," said the woman. "We all paid 1/3 of the bill, we'll share the bed. Just one thing--I would like to sleep in the middle, so that if anyone breaks into the room, you will be on either side to protect me." The men agreed, and everyone hopped into the bed, to get some rest. The next morning, the two men woke up and began talking. "You know, last night I had the strangest dream -- a beautiful blond was jerking me off..." The other man said,"You know, that's funny I had the same dream, excepy mine was a brunette..." They decided to ask the woman what she had dreamt about. She replied, "I had this dream I was in Aspen, SKIING..." OREGON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS ********************************************************************** 163.11 GENERAL 1. Any person with a valid Oregon State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Forcer 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY 11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7 Q: How many OJ jurors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They voted it was "not dark." Did you know that the OJ trial went on for so long that Johnny Cockring shed his skin 4 times? Q: When did Washington D.C.'s collective I.Q. increase by 100? A: During the "Million" Man March of the mad muslims. Identify which of these three things has no place in OJ's scheme: 1.White women. 2.White Broncos. 3.White juries. Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: How many Indians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to drink until the room starts spinning. Q: What's the difference between Paula Barbieri and Nichole Brown? A1: About 50 slashes. A2: Paula's not dead yet. A3: Paula keeps her sunglasses glued to her neck. A4: Mezzaluni is off Paula's list. A5: When OJ has a golf tournament Paula goes to the police station two days beforehand. A6: Paula hates Broncos. A7: Paula ripped all the G's out the phone book and her address book.